My girlfriend (and now fiance) of well over 10 years cheated on me 5 years ago

[MrMcBobski]

I have been with my girlfriend for well over 10 years now, we have been engaged for a while but neither of us have ever been in a rush to formalize anything with actual marriage. We have had long and very detailed talks about this so I know she definitely feels this way too.

My home network is configured to log all chat traffic (for my own chats rather than anything else) and over the Christmas break I was reviewing the logs to check on a discussion I had recently and noticed that there were some chats logged between my fiancé and another man that we both know that sounded a little suspicious. Not normally the jealous type I tried not to read anything into it.

Just before the new year she "went out shopping". On her return she showed me what she had "bought" (some clothes, nothing fancy) and left it at that. Later that evening when tidying i noticed the receipt for the item, and it was paid for using an Amex card. I deal with all our finances so checking receipts is not unusual. We only have visa and mastercard in the house so I questioned her about it, and after some denials, she finally admitted that it was a gift from this man. I then pushed her about the fact she had met up with him without telling me, and her exact relationship with him, and this is when the revelation came.

It turns out that 5 years ago, during a period where she wasn't feeling great about herself and following a rather argumentative Christmas she had read an article that suggested that long term relationships had a high probability of failure at the point we had reached at the time. At this point the man mentioned earlier (a colleague from a previous work place who she had kept in touch with, but nothing significant) started talking to her more often and asked if they could meet up for a drink. They met at his place, he made a move, and she claims she was so confused about us, and what was happening that she just went along with it and they ended up having sex. Apparently he took some pictures of the events too. Afterwards she figured that was it. Shed screwed it all up and assumed that i would find out and end everything.

This happened a total of 4 times over the course of a year (basically every few months), and hasn't happened since. She has spoken to him, and met up a couple of times after this happened, and he has tried it on again too, but not pushed it. She claims she has tried to refuse his advances, and end it, but that she didn't want to deny him out-right in case he used the photos as blackmail or something. They have met up a few times since then, only to talk, although he apparently tried it on a bit every time, but didn't push it.

We have talked in detail about what happened, but as it was over 5 years ago now, its difficult to remember everything exactly. I think i understand how it all happened, but she is still struggling with why it happened and more importantly why she let it go as far as sex.

She claims she had some feelings for him at the time, but there is nothing there now. I want to believe that but its hard when she has basically lied to me for 5 years (over a 3rd of our relationship).

What should I do?

[ashley89]

dump her. she cheated on you numerous times and kept it from you all these years! what kind of a decent person can sleep at night knowing they did something like that? and she only admitted to it when you caught her red-handed, showing that she has no signs of guilt or remorse. since she lied to you about this, how can you believe anything she says from this point on? or anything she has said in the past? you deserve better. do you really want to make as big of a commitment as marriage to someone like this?

[ashley89]

and why did he take pictures and keep them all these years? ****ing weird

[Cerby]

You're dwelling on this 5 years later. It means you'll probably never be over it. The relationship will need to end as this scar will never go away.

[MrMcBobski]

Im not dwelling on this 5 years later. I only found out about it a couple of weeks ago. The sex happened 5 years ago.

[phantom694u]

She can't be trusted. What if some other guy came along and she got confused again? Sex again? You'll never know because she can hide it for years at a time. It's not too late... Break it off. It will only hurt more later if you don't.

[MrMcBobski]

She didnt hide it for years at a time though. Well she did, but not that well.

Over the years, and even at the time when it happened, there were some tell-tale signs that made me wonder. I chose not to persue them as I didnt want to end up in a big fight about nothing. Mountains out of mole hills etc. I also didnt believe that she was even slightly capable of doing something like that, so I dismissed it as paranoia.

Looking back over what happened and the "clues", if anything like it happened again now, that would be it... I would know exactly what was happening immediately.

[ashley89]

I know you are hurt and shocked and upset, and you still love her, but this is a really bad thing. she took your trust and violated it. she had sex with someone else when she was in a relationship with you and kept it from you. why would you want to be with somebody like that? don't you want to marry someone you can trust and depend on? now anytime she goes out or isn't with you you're going to be wondering if she's cheating or what she's really doing as opposed to what she says she is. I just don't see how you could go on with your relationship knowing this information, unless you wanted to try to work it out through counseling or something. but since it happened more than once, it seems like something she wanted to do and didn't feel bad doing. and this guy is still buying her gifts... how do you know she's not still banging him now?

[MrMcBobski]

It is a valid point. I dont know if shes still banging him.

That said, we have had some very in-depth discussions about what happened, and the feelings surrounding it, and she claims to feel none of that anymore. From the level of detail, and how accurately things tie up to things i know are true, I believe she is telling the truth about everything she said. So equally I want to believe her claims of what she feels.

She is completely aware of what she has done, and how its affected our relationship. To the point that she is willing to give up her right to privacy on anything in order to get my trust back (emails, phone calls, text messages, etc). She is willing to check in at set times, and always have her phone on her (and answer if i call it), and limit her exposure to "other men". Ultimately she wants to do *anything* to save the relationship. If she really wasnt happy with us, and wanted someone else, I dont think that would be the case.

I am fully aware that a truly devious person could circumvent everything I listed here... and that is a risk, but despite whats happened I dont believe she is that person. She wasnt really going out of her way to hide anything, so much as just didnt tell me about it.

But as you say, there is no way to 100% know what she is up to, or how she is really feeling, that requires trust which she has obliterated, and i guess that is the crux of the problem. I dont know if I want to build that back up. If i *can* build it back up. Or if I will spend the rest of our time together thinking "is she looking elsewhere...".

I know I dont want to lose what we have.... had... over 10 years of it.... but equally... this isnt an insignificant problem to get over.

[ashley89]

it is really up to you, I know these kind of things are hard but if it were me, I don't think I would ever be able to 100% fully trust the other person. I would also feel so hurt that instead of coming to me and talking about why she felt confused or lost, she decided to go have sex with another man numerous times. it definitely isn't a little insignificant problem to get over. you just need to think about what has happened and whether you can live with what she did to you

[ashley89]

She wasnt really going out of her way to hide anything, so much as just didnt tell me about it.

that is still hiding something... a very big something. in fact, I don't understand how someone can do something like that and just not tell the other person or even feel bad about it. I'm just a different type of person, I guess. I couldn't bring myself to cheat, but if for some crazy reason I did, I don't know how I would be able to sleep next to my boyfriend or even look him in the eyes without feeling an insane amount of guilt. that says a lot about her character in my opinion.

[MrMcBobski]

I would also feel so hurt that instead of coming to me and talking about why she felt confused or lost, she decided to go have sex with another man numerous times.

This is very true, and I do feel this is probably the biggest thing that I have a problem with. We have talked very openly about this though, and I think we are getting down to "why" everything happened, although we aren't there yet.

I think I may have been responsible for her feelings at the time, even though she says that wasn't the case, I know I wasn't the greatest BF back then. Things have changed significantly since then though.

[bcgirl]

So u weren't the best bf then and that made her seek out sex from someone else. Now you hear this news, what the hell kinda bf do u think you will be after this emotional trauma? Roses and chocolates everyday? Sweet romantic nothing's in her ear type of bf? No. It's probably going to make u a "worse kinda bf" due to human nature of knowing about her betrayal. Then who's to say she won't cheat again because you've emotionally neglected her again and there's no roses and chocolates and wine every night.

[HeartIsAching]

"Why" it happened is irrelevant. What you need to look at now, is how it's going to affect the rest of your lives together. Are you ever going to be able to trust her again? Is she ever again going to be able to walk out the door on an errand without you getting suspicious? Are you ever going to be able to let go of that anger and resentment?

Frankly, I think your relationship is over, whether you know it yet or not.

[HeartIsAching]

Oh yeah, and if 4 years later he's meeting her and buying her clothes... I'd put money on the fact that he's still ****ing her.