I'd appreciate a woman's point of view on my situation

[Manager32]

Hi everyone. This is my first post here.

So here's my situation. About four months ago, I got involved with a woman. She was having issues with a longish-term bf and I had just begun the divorce process with my wife. She and I bonded initially over the relationship issues, but we quickly realized we had a lot in common and enjoyed each other's company, so we started hanging out a good bit: going to lunch every day and occasionally doing drinks or dinner after work. Things evolved and we ended up becoming more than friends. We agreed that because of our situations, there would be no sex, but we spent almost all of our free time together: Continued doing lunch every day, hung out all night immediately after work, slept in the same bed together, etc. We had a ton of fun together, were very physically attracted to each other, had a great connection, and could talk for hours about almost anything. We talked about where we saw things going and felt like a relationship might be the next logical step for us, but acknowledged that our situations might keep that from ever happening.

We had a falling out after about a month and didn't speak for several weeks. Gradually, we started talking again and by the end of the year, things were in a fairly good place. Recently, she was let go from her job. She didn't make much there and had been unemployed for several months before getting that job, so she was in bad financial shape and terrified. She leaned on me a lot for emotional support and I tried to keep her cheered up and positive. I loaned her a small amount of money (less than $100) to help with a bill. She expressed a great deal of appreciation for all the help and support I was giving her. As a pick-me-up, I offered to take her out, and she happily agreed.

While we were out, her bf tried to get ahold of her, and came looking for her when he couldn't. He let himself into her place, found her phone (which she'd forgotten when we left her place), went through it, found all of our texts and a bunch of calls back and forth, and dumped her. She'd not been happy with him for quite awhile, but still wasn't quite ready to let the r/s go when this happened, so she was pretty upset. She called the next day in hysterics because he'd told her he never wanted to see her or speak to her again, and her friends and family were on his side because of how awful she'd been to him, lying and cheating on him. She asked me if I'd come over and be there with her and I agreed. I ended up spending the night holding her in her bed.

Since then, we've hung out a few times. I know she still has a level of interest in me (when expressing frustration about the now ex-bf's behavior, she mentioned that this was the first time she'd looked at someone else - meaning me), but she's also still holding out some hope that she and the ex-bf might reconcile (particularly since family and friends are pressuring her to fix things with him). When we do hang out, things are very much on the friend level, but the chemistry is still there. We have a great time, have great conversations, and regularly find more things that we have in common that we weren't previously aware of. She still expresses gratitude for the things I've done for her, and that she'll never forget it.

I know that we didn't get involved with each other under the best of circumstances, but things don't always happen on the timetable you'd like them to. She's not prone to cheating, and I'd definitely not have gotten involved with her in the middle of a divorce under normal circumstances, but there's something special about the connection we have and we've both acknowledged that. I know she's been through a lot of BIG life changes recently, so I'm trying not to push her, since I know she's not ready and she's still in denial about the end of her r/s. I want to be supportive, but I want to avoid being "friend zoned" and for her to know that I'm still interested in pursuing something more when she's ready. I just don't think she's in a place right now where my verbalizing that would have a good outcome, so I don't quite know how to proceed. Any advice that y'all have would be greatly appreciated.

[Boisdevie]

This woman sounds really flaky. She was not prepared to dump the boyfriend that she was unhappy with but happy to seemingly begin some kind of serious relationship with you. And then she gets dumped and goes all hysterical - but she was unhappy with the relationship wasn't she? So why you loony when it ends - you'd imagine she'd be happy. I'd leave her well alone until she knows what she wants.

[Manager32]

When we initially got involved, we both thought it was going to be just a bit of fun and that was it. We connected so well that it was a bit more than either of us bargained for. I think that's where some of the waffling on her part came from and I agree that she needs to make up her mind. Assuming her ex is being honest about being done with her (and I get the feeling he is), that won't be a problem soon. I just want to make sure she knows that I'd be open to exploring our side of things more at that time, if that's what she wants.

And she was fairly ok after the dumping ... sad, but otherwise fine. It wasn't until the family and friends lit into her that I got the hysterical phone call. From what I've been able to pick up, they're really giving her a hard time about how she treated him and putting a LOT of pressure on her to reconcile with him.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Next time you hang out with her, kiss her. If it doesn't lead to sex or at least a blowjob, tell her not to talk to you anymore. She'll be all over you.

[SassyD]

That is a really hard one.

I think you should have that conversation with her, tell her how you feel, what you want BUT that you are aware of her not being ready and you will wait. You can only go from there when you have her response.

[Manager32]

I'd definitely like to have that conversation, I just don't think now is the right time. She's depressed and under a lot of stress due to her job/money situation and the treatment she's received from her family and friends over the ex-bf. I don't want to give her something else to stress out over. The ex-bf situation is working itself out (she returned all of his stuff a couple of days ago and he's adamant that he will never forgive her, much less take her back, so she's finally starting to accept that they are done). She had a good interview this week and is expecting an offer of employment, so things are starting to normalize a bit. Once she has some real stability in her life and can start thinking about where she wants to go from here, I'll talk to her.

I thought I'd say that I know we have a great relationship and that I'd like to have the opportunity to take things to the next level when she's ready, but that what I want above all is for her to be happy, no matter how things work out with us. I'll let her know I understand that she's been through a lot recently and that I'm happy to let her decide what she wants in her own time.

Hopefully, that communicates my wants well enough without sounding like I'm trying to pressure her.