How should I plan on telling his girlfriend that we are having an affair with her bf?

[yoyobabe01]

I met my ex in my freshman year of college. i rejected him at first but then in March a few years ago i decided to go out with him. our relationship lasted over a year. we broke up because it was very unhealthy and there was no trust. after we broke up, we hooked up at random times but ended it because people found out or he did the same nasty things again so i couldn't deal with it.

Recently, this school year, he contacted me and we decided to get together. he had a girlfriend but we still had the subtle coffee conversation at starbucks. after that we hung out a few more times until he invited me over at his girlfriend's apartment (where he was staying). we ended up having sex... in her bed, and it was honestly 50% amazing, 50% WTF. We decided to keep doing it and we did it several other times in her bed again, at my apartment, and his apartment. At first, it was just casual by not kissing goodbye or holding hands. He was still with his girlfriend when he kept on lying and bailing on me for his friends or her. I told him I didn't mind him being with her but he didn't have to lie since we weren't together. Gradually after a few months, we started kissing each other goodbye, holding hands, cuddling, and hanging out longer after having our rendezvous. Also, we have hung out at bars a few times with him and his friends. he has texted me from every couple days to every day now. Now they are not just about sexual stuff or meeting up to hook up. Before I left for break, we had lunch before we did it again. When I was back on campus and we were both in town, he even invited me over to his apartment to swim. He has texted me nearly everyday over winter break, with 2 days being the longest without texting and he has surprisingly not been texting dirty or asking for sex.

The thing is that I realize this is wrong and I am planning on tell his girlfriend. They are at the stage of moving some of her stuff into his place and she STILL has no idea that half of her relationship has been a lie. The thing is that I want some of your suggestions on how I should tell her. Thanks

[basilandthyme]

Why are you telling the girlfriend? Is it to clear your conscience....or is it about tattling on the guy?

Either way, she'll hate you for it. And so will any mutual friends.

[searock]

Why are you telling the girlfriend? Is it to clear your conscience....or is it about tattling on the guy?

Either way, she'll hate you for it. And so will any mutual friends.

She definitely will. But whatever the reason, whether it's to clear your conscience and "do the right thing" or to tattle on the guy, I think you should do it, because it is the right thing. Poor girl, she's moving in with a guy she still trusts and has no idea of the lying cheater he really is. You should definitely tell her, no matter the negative consequences for you.

As to how you should tell her: I think you should do it face to face. She probably won't believe you, so you're going to have to provide proof (a couple of his dirty messages should do the trick). Tell her something like "Hello, I'm really sorry for what I'm going to tell you and I know it's probably the last thing you want to hear, but I think you should know the truth as soon as possible: you boyfriend has been cheating on you. I know because I am his mistress. Here is proof if you don't believe me" (show her the texts) "I'm really sorry, I know you hate me and I have no excuse. Goodbye." Maybe do it when the guy is there, too, so she'll be able to question him directly. Be prepared to be hated.

I feel so sorry for her... hopefully seeing her reaction will also serve you as a deterrent for the next time you'll be tempted to sleep with a guy who has a girlfriend.

[Lissy0404]

First, why you have an affair with him in the first place? If you broke up before means that you guys don't work together. Specially now you guys broke up more than once. If he has a girlfriend, and he is cheating on her, he will do the same to you eventually. He doesn't respect himself, and neither respects you. Leave him! You can do so much better. Do not tell her, you will destroyed this girl, and she doesn't deserved it. Just move on, and not with him...

[bcgirl]

So what do u want out of this fling with the ex? Do u want to continue seeing and sexing him?? Do u want to be gf and bf with him again? It seems like the reason why u want to tell the gf is to Sabatage the relationship so she will break up with him and u can have him all to yourself atlas. If this is not true and u want nothing to do with your ex again and genuinely feel bad for what you've done and want to now do the right thing, then you should tell her. Poor girl. What a sleezeball for fu(king u in his gf's bed!
If u know her via school or whatever than meet up somewhere and tell her face to face. Proof would be u knowing what her apartment looks like and u can tell her the details of how comfy her bed is. If u don't know her, send her a FB message apologizing and wanting to undo some wrongs

[yoyobabe01]

To everyone, here are some answers to your questions:

1. It is to clear my conscious and to have her realize that she doesn't know him like I do. I was once very involved with him and he lied to be continuously, so she doesn't deserve any of the treatment.
2. I understand that she and her friends will hate me which is why I am planning on telling her after I graduate in May so I am not on campus where anyone could kill me.
3. I had the affair only cuz of the sex. I am not attracted to him at all and I told him that because he lies to me all the time. I am ending this affair, not cuz he is still with her, but cuz he has lied to me constantly even when I am his mistress. Trust me I understand he will cheat on me again which is why I told him i ended it quite easily with him initially cuz i never had to give him any ultimatum.
4. In all honestly, the weekly sex is damn good and convenient versus a random one night stand. We have been friends for 3.5 years and we want to be in each other's lives and were best friends before we even dated. I feel horrible for her and how bad he is really is though and she doesn't deserve any of this, which is why he is getting the short end of the stick by graduation instead of having his cake (girlfriend) and eating it too (good sex).

[PradaChanel]

Why'd you do it in the first place? It seem like you got some sort of satisfaction out of doing in her bed, at her place and now that you see your only being denied at the end after knowinly playing second fiddle and he still is going to be with her and not you, your trying to hurt her even more.

He invited you over there and you didnt have no better since then to go. I had a guy do me like that. He invited me to his place a few times and then I Found out that it was he and his girlfriends place. I didnt even know he had a girl or they shared the same place. I would see female stuff over there but they was also roommating with his home boy and his home boys girl so that didnt surprise me or make me question it.

However when I found out, I was thoroughly disgusted. I was mad that for one he had a girl and had bought me into a unwanted threesome, and also the nerve of his triflin ass to bed me somewhere that they had already been sleeping in. I got more respect for myself and Pradachanel is too high maintenance to lay in anyone elses nasty bed. You did it and knew so evidently that shows lack of respect on your part and if I was his girlfriend and you came to me with that bullshit and you knew it was my place, my bed and you had the audacity to approach me...Girrrrrrrrrrrrrrllllllll.....thats all i can say.

Yes hes an asshole and thats another thing so yes she needs to be told but it seem like you getting a personal satisfaction and you are just as dirty because you knowingly did it at her place as if you had it like that.

[JerseyTerron]

As a man, I want to understand why you are telling her? It's not your position being as to how the whole affair went down.

You said you were okay being the mistress and your mad that he lied to you even as the mistress. As a man I can pick up on a womans weakness. Let me break down yours.

1. He lied to you when you all were dating and you gave in time and time until you got tired
2. Given all this history, once he got another girl - you thought he would be more honest since you stepped down from your position and decided to be ONE of the chicks he was cheating with.
3. He doesnt respect you as a mistress because a mistress is just some ass on the side, the girlfriend, the second, but mistress normally gets more out the relationship.

You, my darling was just ass on the side so he didnt feel the need to be honest to you. If he lied when you all were together, and then when he got another girlfriend and lied to her and then let you be in that low position. He didnt care about you...ever. He didnt even take you to a room or anything. Did he not have his own place?

This is so classic. A man sleeps with the Ex, total mistake and the Ex is always the one to put it out there because of her jealousy to the new girl. You dont feel bad for her. You feel bad for yourself because you got lied to in the beginning, when you were being second, and now. You were the low class during the whole relationship. Poor thing.

I swear, the most cheapest girls, in the end you end up paying the most for.

[JerseyTerron]

You seem young so for future references, if he lied to you during the relationship and you allowed him to a few times before ending it, and then he seen he could still sleep with you after that...he picked up on how easy it was with you. Men will only do to you what you allow and you allowed yourself to be put in this position. Of course he doesnt respect you because you dont respect you.

[searock]

yoyobabe, I think you should tell her now, not in May. Don't let her waste any more time with the lying cheating scum she calls a boyfriend. I don't think anyone will actually *kill* you.

[yoyobabe01]

I am wanting to tell her NOT because of the jealousy; I am thinking of telling her because she doesn't deserve to be in a relationship where half of it was a lie. I mean we would go sneak off and have sex while she is at work. I mean when i told him it was done, I could tell he was disappointed and thinks there is someone else I want to have sex with, but the thing is that I want to be respected and have the advantages of being in a relationship. I can admit that I can have sex from anyone but I chose him to be in a cheating scandal with. I am not emotionally attached to him. No one knows about this except my roommate and best friend. Recently, he has asked to hang out but I did say no. I do know his ways of getting me in the sack and he pretty much seduces me even if I do not want to.

[searock]

So are you going to tell the gf as soon as possible? I think you should. It would be very selfish and cowardly not to tell her until May.

[PradaChanel]

yoyobabe, I think you should tell her now, not in May. Don't let her waste any more time with the lying cheating scum she calls a boyfriend. I don't think anyone will actually *kill* you.

I dont think she will get killed either. However, i have seen people get hurt over BS like this..being at places where they had no business being in the first place. It may not happen where you at but I know someone personally who got hurt real bad in this same situation which Im not getting into.

Im not disputing that she should tell her. She should. As for ME if someone tells me that they been in my bed and knows it was my bed..I wouldnt kill them of course....but....

[surfhb2]

Another young and dumb collage aged girl creating needless BS

Just Carry on with your life....Jeesh. Can't say much since I was stupid once too

[PradaChanel]

Another young and dumb collage aged girl creating needless BS

Just Carry on with your life....Jeesh. Can't say much since I was stupid once too

Thats my point. You did it, move on. Your not a victim because you knew the deal. Move the hell on. As a female, your not fooling me. You doing this cause you mad. I have been there and have told because I was mad that things wasnt going my way and I was like well if he not with me then he not gone be with her either. Just young and silly. Im 25 so it wasnt that long ago. I got pleasure out of it. You are too.