lack of attraction

[blimilim]

I'm in a relationship for almost a year and a half.
I love my GF and she loves me. However, from a very early stage I feel almost no attraction, and sex doesn’t come easily and isn't as fulfilling as it should.

My GF is 29 yo and I am 34 yo. I do want to get married and have a bit more than one or two kids (probably 4-5, if it works we cannot control what g-d upstairs have in store for us), so the age of me and my now or any future GF is a factor. I feel discouraged from both the possibility of hurting my GF, I cannot see her hurt, and whenever things didn’t work or the option of break up came, I fell apart with her. Also, the option of starting over at this relatively late stage is rather discouraging.

There are some things in which we are compatible and lots of warmth, understanding and taking the good with the bad. Some things are not perfect, not ideal and in some aspects we go on different directions or a bit stuck for some time, maybe because of the relationship and maybe because of the indecision. However, we see the family cell and its workings very similarly.
I had the problem of previously finding good girls which I am not very attracted to before, but not to the extent I'm experiencing now, or at least I broke those kind of relationships pretty early. It is possible for me to be very sexually driven. However, whether I unconsciously ruin it for myself when a potentially good spouses arrive or choosing from the beginning incompatible matches for serious relationships, I cannot honestly say for sure.

There are always interested third parties, but for several month now I have shut them down, although I flirted a little bit before, due to insecurity in the relationship and my wish to see if it is a physical issue or inside this relationship issue. Now I know I can still be very attracted to other women. I didn't however sleep with other women, though explicit offers were given. I do not want to cheat and even the flirting felt like cheating to me, for however good or bad reasons.

My GF is sexually interested, although I shut her down a bit, not intentionally.
She wants to get married and the offer was open for some time. I also want marriage, but am afraid of entering into an unsatisfying long term relationship and also hurting her continually.

Can it get much better after marriage if the pressure of deciding is already off the table and we are sexual to a normal extent?
Is there a chance for a good but not very sexual relationship?
Can there be a relationship without much attraction?

[smackie9]

Yes it's called an marriage of convenience. I suggest you both look into an open marriage, where you can seek out sexual satisfaction from other partners, like a swingers group. You will get the sexual satisfaction, but still uphold your loving relationship with your wife. Many people have successful marriages in this manner, as long as you have very good communication and are both on the same page.

BTW does she know how you feel about all this?

[smackie9]

If that isn't an option I for sure wouldn't get married. If you are not satisfied, all that is going to happen is bitterness, and resentment. That is no environment to raise children in. It will end up in divorce, or one of you cheating. Grow some balls buddy and end this relationship....it's a no brainer.

[bcgirl]

Men are generally more visual than women. Meaning they care more about attraction and want the whole package of sexy body, perky boobs and tight thighs and a cute face. Whereas from a evolutionary view, women care more about security. It boils down to how you and her are together on the attraction scale. R u guys both 8/10's? Or are u more of an 8 and she a 6? Relationships have a better chance of lasting if both partners are of the same attractiveness level. Or the woman is slightly more attractive. Same applies when U look at financial security. Relationships last longer if both partners are equally successful and make similar wages or the husband makes more.
Everyone eventually grows old and wrinkly, but right now you two are young and your sexual libido is high. You should save your gf the grief and break up with her now before you settle down with her and she pops out a few kids and she gains more weight, her boobs will sag, her belly is covered in stretch mark and she'll need a tummy tuck. She should go and search for a man she will one day call husband that finds her the most beautiful woman in the world.
It ain't you and that's fine. Break up with her now.

[angel31]

I would say I agree with the above posts and end it now. The longer it goes on, the worse it's going to hurt her in the end. And in my opinion, if there's no attraction, it's not going to work. While sex isn't the MOST important factor in a relationship it is AN important factor. You will not be happy long term if one or both of you isn't sexually satisfied. I also wonder if there is a difference of attraction levels...is she unattractive on any scale and you very attractive or is she just not what you personally are attracted to although she is attractive to others? Not every attractive girl is attractive to every man..get where I'm going? If you are not sexually satisfied with who you're supposed to be, eventually you will start looking elsewhere for that satisfaction. Is an open marriage an option? I personally couldn't do it, but for some, I'm sure it could work well.

[blimilim]

thanks, Smackie, Bcgirl & angel. Open marriage isn't an option. for either of us. i have a varied taste in women, from what could be considered to a very serious hottie to what can be specifically very attractice/ sexually appealing for me. in a way, a woman that had a couple of kids, isn't necessarily less attractive for me. however, i think that on scale of attracting the other gender, i am a higher on the scale, although i feel she has inner reserve and poise that makes her more impressive and deeper than other ladies even when they are technically better looking. it is what drew me to her at first. however, i feel that what you are saying is that if there is no high level of attraction before marriage, and for sure if it is so low, it never gonna get better, and the relationship is doomed even while considering my maybe emotional problems with serious relationships.

[bcgirl]

Why lead a life where you are constantly looking at hot women and going home to your wife for "good conversation". That's what friends are for. To have fun with, have stimulating conversation and good times without the sexual attraction. The difference with a marriage is you are sexually attracted to your spouse. Usually sex in a marriage becomes less frequent after years of marriage, not before you are even married! This is a recipe for disaster waiting to happen! Don't you want the full package before you settle down forever? Don't you want a girl you find the most beautiful and fun and compatible?? Why settle? You'll just be miserable in your marriage. And it's a lot of years of it! Life can bring up many surprises too over them years. How would u cope if a single hot, smart woman starts out as an employee at your work place and made advances for you? How would you take it? Would you fall to the temptation of adultery because of the lack of sexual attraction towards your wife and feel starved after many years of not getting that feeling? C'mon, life is filled with these sorts of things so you gotta be 100% sure she is the one you want to marry or we will see you back on this forum like the hundreds of others who post "I'm married but hot girl at work wants me, what to do?"

[bcgirl]

My neighbour is a young attractive 8/10 guy. His gf is a 4 yr older 6/10. Everyone says "wtf" when they see the two together. It doesn't look right.

[vashti]

WTF? Why don't you just quit wasting this girl's time? Her eggs have a shelf life, you know. It's not all about YOU and what can make your penis happy.

[blimilim]

vashti, do you think its only about sex? all the facts are on the table, nothing in hiding, she can leave me if she wants. i am trying therapy alone and together to see if its psychological or whatever. was considering the option that we wont have passion, which she doesnt want but still wants to get married+ i really love her, th attraction is another issue. +
by the way, do you know that male fertility is also declining dramatically with age, and genetic deffects chances grow every year, especially after 35? theoretically some men can have children when 70, but very few.

[vashti]

Oh, stop it. You and I both know very well that the one who is more immediately going to suffer fertility issues is HER, and you aren't anywhere near 70. This girl loves you and is willing to make a go of it. YOU are the one who is hesitating. You need to make a decision so SHE has time to make a life and family with someone else. Don't be one of those guys who can't commit to either keeping her or letting her go.

[bcgirl]

So she knows that you lack attraction for her? If its all on the table and she is willing to stay with you... Then this is another story.