What should I do?

[Elsa]

I have a boyfriend – I really love him! He is caring and sensitive, but he is not willing to reveal almost anything about his past. Actually, he told me that if I'd like to be with him I should not ask anything. He says: I love you and that should be enough. I feel a little funny about it. Some of my friends say that I am crazy to not ask him about his past, but I don't want to lose him. What should I do? I really need some advice.

[Wakeup]

I think if you ask, then he should be forthcoming and you should be prepared to hear it. Although it is the present and how he is treating you now that is important... it is also important to know whether or not he's the type of man who is capable of murder, child molestation, illegal activities, wrought with STD's (or not) and if he and I are of the same personal type boundaries.

What have you specifically asked him about his past that he's refused to answer about?

[Elsa]

Where he came from. Where he grew up.

[Wakeup]

WTF? Those are very innocuous questions that no one should be afraid to answer. Just where did you meet this man of mystery and how long has he been your "boyfriend?"

[Elsa]

He is new... But I just find it hard to imagine such a man involved in criminal activity. He is special.

[Wakeup]

He is new... But I just find it hard to imagine such a man involved in criminal activity. He is special.

You didn't answer the questions.

Here's a couple more: How "new" is he and if he's "new" how could you possibly be able to ascertain that he's "special" Particularily when he won't tell you anything about his past that led up to him being the man he is today and who you've yet to learn he's become?

Just for your inof. Not telling you about himself is a red flag that you want to ignore. Do so at your own emotional peril.

[smackie9]

How old are you? If you are an adult you are an idiot. If a person doesn't reveal anything about who they are and where they are from, you shouldn't be dating them.

[bcgirl]

There are some ppl who are very private. What kinda questions do u want out of him? I mean if they are common questions to try to get to know him and see if he can have potential for something serious.... You'll need to know such things as has he any children, has he been married, etc. these can be deal breakers for many and you don't want to find out later down the road he has a son he pays child support to.
If they are questions such as sex questions on detail, it's never good to reveal too much. We all have skeletons in our closet that wouldn't harm the relationship if the other person never knew about it. Maybe he lost his virginity to Mrs. Robinson when he was 18 and doesn't want to disclose that. So it really depends what kinda questions u r asking him about his past

[basilandthyme]

I understand that many don't want to discuss how many people they've slept with. But I see a huge red flag in the behaviour of someone who won't even tell you where they grew up.

No, love is not enough. I also need to be able to trust - and I could not trust a person who is deliberately hiding their past from me.

Edited to add: do you know for sure that he's not married? That he hasn't got an ex and kids somewhere? I would not continue with him if I were you.

[smackie9]

Elsa just look through his wallet while he is sleeping. Get his full name and any other info you can get like his SIN number would be primo. Go onto the internet and just google his full name and see what comes up. If nothing search for a background check web site (usually will cost you anywhere from 20 to 35 bucks) and run his name, birth date (hopefully his SIN number). You can also go to your local library and look up his name in the business directory in your area, and you might find out where he is working and it should show his home address. If you find it in there you can back track in the previous years to see where else he worked and lived, that's providing he has stayed in the area. You will also be able to look up possible relatives and maybe a spouse too.

[hillde]

If you start checking him, you loose him. How do you feel about him, do you trust him?

[basilandthyme]

Elsa just look through his wallet while he is sleeping. Get his full name and any other info you can get like his SIN number would be primo. Go onto the internet and just google his full name and see what comes up. If nothing search for a background check web site (usually will cost you anywhere from 20 to 35 bucks) and run his name, birth date (hopefully his SIN number). You can also go to your local library and look up his name in the business directory in your area, and you might find out where he is working and it should show his home address. If you find it in there you can back track in the previous years to see where else he worked and lived, that's providing he has stayed in the area. You will also be able to look up possible relatives and maybe a spouse too.

Of course, if you feel the need to go to this extreme, you'd be better off just walking away

[smackie9]

Of course, if you feel the need to go to this extreme, you'd be better off just walking away

Exactly! ..................

[Elsa]

I trust him. It is strange – but I really do. He was there for me when I needed help and asked for nothing in return. Our love is pure and powerful. I don't want to ruin it. Can't we experience love, here and now, without asking questions or making investigations? Can't anyone believe that if you feel something pure and honest in your heart you can just follow it? Why do I have to take the risk of losing my man?

[smackie9]

That is what a woman said on the TV show Dateline when she found out the guy she was dating had 2 wives that suspiciously died, or the women that discovered she was dating a man that was married to several women, or like the woman that found out the man she was dating was on the run for murder........