Unemployed Boyfriend

[beyou2013]

Hi all,

I'm seeking some advice...

Let's begin with my story. I'm 24 yrs old. This August I will have been dating this guy for 3 yrs and he is also the same age as me. I moved into my boyfriend's house living with him and his family. I have been living there for almost 2 years.

Before this I had my own apartment. I'm a beautiful independent girl who can take care of herself and handle her bills.

The reason why I had moved in was so my boyfriend and I can save money to move out together.

In December of 2011 my boyfriend quit his job because he was being under paid and lunch hours were not being given. I agreed with him to quit his job since he was being treated unfairly.

Somehow he was able to get unemployment checks. He was receiving unemployment checks for 6 months. During the 6 months he didn't apply to one single job. After the 6 months he didn't extend his unemployment because he felt like receving the checks were keeping him from getting a job.

At this time I made it clear to him that he needs to get a job. He did not go out looking for a job. He would only apply to jobs online when I would sit down with him on the computer. We did get one response from all the online apps we filled out but he has no transportation.

I'm constantly on the look out for jobs in our area. Last week a company was hiring in our area and I gave him the info for it. He read it but had no comment.

Right now he's been unemployed for a little over a year. Whenever I have a conversation about getting a job he says "Well how do you think I feel? I want to be able to pay for food and take you out". I feel like if he cares then he would go out and get a job.

Also he and his family blames me for agreeing to have him quit his previous job. They say it's my fault for having him quit his job in the first place. It's so immature. He's the one that didn't get a job first before quitting which is what I recommended in the first place.

He is currently helping out with his dad's business but is not getting paid since he's working to pay rent. His family doesn't motivate him or have any faith on him getting a job. Not only that but his family buys him food and cigarettes. So in a way he's relying on his family and I to support him.

He's honestly not trying to get a job. I feel like he's not motivated and this is making me really depressed.

How do I motivate him to get a job?

I can't take this anymore but yet I love him and I want us to someday start our lives together.

Should I give him an ultimatum?

[Cerby]

Well, it sounds like you're in a tough spot here. You're with an unmotivated individual who has things working well for him the way they are. Ultimatums are a bad idea, they come across as threats, but here is what I woud do...

Tell him you're feeling smothered and need to find your own place. You aren't breaking up with him, but until he is able to support his 50%, he can't come with you. Find something you can afford on your own fairly easily, and could move with short notice if he does get his sh*t together and you could find a place together. After you leave and move into your own place, keep silent track of how long it takes him to figure his life out. If 6 months down the road he is still unemployed and doing nothing, then it might be time to consider ending the relationship.

[Woods]

Is he depressed maybe? Or lacking the confidence? It's easy to fall into that rut when you're out of work, and especially when you're used to working and suddenly start feeling useless. Maybe see if he will have a chat with a GP or someone.

However, if it's not that then I would think twice before spending the best years of my life trying to motivate a grown man to be self sufficient. I once lived with a bloke who was happy to rely on me and his family for everything and it was like living with a sullen teenager, not a partner. It wasn't fun. It could help to set a time frame and if he is still not making an effort then move out and concentrate on getting your own independence without him. Don't let him slow you down.



eta typos

[basilandthyme]

Beyou, you can't motivate him to get a job. Motivation is something we give ourselves.

What you're seeing now is a window to the future. A lazy partner, blaming parents and you acting like his mother. Is this really what you wanted for your future?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Dump this loser.

[Love'sReject]

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a job now? My credentials are considered unworthy and I was laid off, unable to find anything but dishonest, exploitative work which is akin to that which your boyfriend held but left for the sake of being treated in a humane manner. Of course, that's not to dismiss his lack of effort but it is extremely hard right now and not being able to get a job is a real ballcrusher; it's every bit as shameful and perceived as dishonorable as having a small penis or other penis-related issues (using the penis to illustrate how woeful it really is).

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I have an idea of how easy it is to get a job, and I don't have any credentials other than a high school diploma. I'm lucky to be in an industry that's hurting for skilled professionals, but that doesn't mean you can't find a job. I have plenty of friends who work in restaurants, hospitality and other service industries that don't have trouble finding jobs. What kinds of jobs are you looking for and what qualifications do you have? Surely your prior work experience is worth something to someone.

[Love'sReject]

I used to work at the premier corporation in the industry but then had to settle a year later for a much lesser rival and finally in something else altogether. To relate the OP's BF and not myself, the influx of degrees is watered down the intrigue and prestige of them since even idiots are getting degrees in high numbers. And in an increasingly specialized world, one can't even do anything on the job without certifications nor likely get hired without degrees and those things don't even prove one is able to do the work. It's an exceedingly complicated time in the job market. A lot of certified graduates work in restaurants and other menial jobs for years, hoping to land an internship providing free slave labor and then not getting hired since corporations and schools like an endless revolving door of free labor.

I myself am back in school so perhaps the BF in question could as well? It's been a confidence booster IRL (and not reflected on the forums in my posts).

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Agree about the degrees. The dumbest girl I know, has a master's in education. I don't have one and I hired two developers without them over candidates with master's degrees. They were able to solve the real life problems I threw at them in the interview whereas those with a lot of formal "education" had trouble coming up with any answer, let alone the correct one. I suggest you focus on tech, healthcare, or engineering rather than something intangible. I know people who work in restaurants that make very good money also. I just feel like there is plenty of opportunity and people are just picky.

[VincenzoG91]

My career hit a rough spot many years ago, during a recession. Back then at least, they didn't pay unemployment unless the applicant did two job interviews per week. I applied for jobs. Got a few interviews, but no offers. Then I signed up with temp agencies. No temp jobs were available. Then I took a part-time minimum wage job, just to keep busy, feel useful, and get some money coming in.

After three weeks, I was named employee of the month at that job and got a small raise. A week later, the temp agency got me a full-time temp job that paid twice as much, so I took that. Because I was unable to convert the temp job into a permanent position, I kept applying for regular jobs and finally got a decent offer six weeks after starting the temp job. I took that job, and when it turned into a part-time job several months later, I resumed my job search. I also supplemented those part-time hours by going back to that temp job and going to work for them again as an independent contractor for a specific project. By the time that project wrapped up, I had another decent full-time job offer, despite the ongoing recession.

Life is full of challenges, but a resourceful person will continue to overcome those challenges. As Winston Churchill said, "If you find yourself going through Hell, keep going."

OP, you're not married to this guy, so you don't have an obligation to stay with him. It took a while, but you finally realized that he doesn't share your values, at least when it comes to work, and that is a dealbreaker. Even if you somehow motivated him this time around, it will be a lifelong struggle to keep this guy working, because he's a loser. Dump him and get on with your life.

[Love'sReject]

They're picky because here in the Western hemisphere and civilization, we're more fond of life fulfillment, rather than toiling at a profession that bores us (unfortunately, the West tends to overdo it and become hedonistic).

To relate this back to the topic, the BF in question isn't so bad. He works to pay his rent which is better than most his age who just freeload. He still relies on them for food but that's hardly an expense to a caring family (assuming his family is one). It's just a matter of getting him to find something productive to do. School, another job...at the least, work on his confidence?

[VincenzoG91]

No, he's a loser. If he can't come up with his own motivation to do something with his life, he is a parasite and not suitable for any sort of long-term relationship except with his indulgent parents.

[Cerby]

Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a job now? My credentials are considered unworthy and I was laid off, unable to find anything but dishonest, exploitative work which is akin to that which your boyfriend held but left for the sake of being treated in a humane manner. Of course, that's not to dismiss his lack of effort but it is extremely hard right now and not being able to get a job is a real ballcrusher; it's every bit as shameful and perceived as dishonorable as having a small penis or other penis-related issues (using the penis to illustrate how woeful it really is).

This is the problem with today's over-entitled generation, they feel that they deserve a certain level of employment, and anything else isn't "humane". Guess what, when you go to work, expect to work. I have people on my team with degrees all over, 22 years old, expect they should be allowed to sit on Facebook and chat on MSN 4 hours a day, and anything less and I'm being an arsehole for making them work like slaves.

If you want to make it in this world and your degree isn't getting it done, then you do as Vincenzo has and you find a way, you don't sit at home and cry about it, look for a job once in a while, and say you're trying your best. Whether you have a degree or not, you still need to make a living. If I was up sh*t creek I'd clean outhouses if I had no other way to pay my bills. I have no degree, I have highschool diploma and and partial university education that I probably won't finish because I didn't like the field. That didn't stop me, I have a mortgage, a nice truck, a great relationship, and I'm only 28. I worked my ass off to get all of these things, so when someone tells me they'd rather sit at home than take some ill treatment from someone who is paying you to be there, it makes me sick.

You have to do shitty work to get somewhere, I started my current job unloading trailers on a temporary contract because it was all I could find, I didn't care that I thought I was too smart to be a labourer, I did what I could to get by and now, 8 years later, I work in management. What is your excuse?

[Love'sReject]

I agree with the "over-entitled generation": frankly, I'm not one of them. I don't have a sense of entitlement.

By the way, breaking the law is not "ill treatment": it's unethical. You can use your platitudes to defend it all you want, but we in America don't believe that labor laws should be broken.

[Love'sReject]

No, he's a loser. If he can't come up with his own motivation to do something with his life, he is a parasite and not suitable for any sort of long-term relationship except with his indulgent parents.

Parents have to be willing to pay whatever price for having children. Parents' obligation doesn't end anywhere: if they can't handle having a child, they shouldn't have them.