My Boyfriend Gave Me an STD

[calibeauty]

First let me start off by saying I am not a perfect person. This is long and detailed. So bear with me.

I left my husband of 12 years in Nov11. We were married when I was 19 and have two children. I was very unhappy for most of the marriage. I didn't know who I was at 19 and I certainly had doubts about marriage from the very beginning. In fact, I was going to leave him when I found out I was pregnant with our first child after being married 3 years. He abused drugs and alcohol and had minor infidelities (online sex and chats). He was remorseful every time I caught him, so I stayed for the sake of our child. Into our 9th year I got into a long-distance online affair. I ended it in the hopes of saving my marriage, went through marriage counseling and everything. Things were okay for a while, but I still was not happy. We were completely different people, with different morals and values, sense of the world, beliefs, everything.

Fast forward to the summer of 2011. My husband was gone for a few months for work. He hardly called to check in on me. His son lived with us and was an out of control teenager. I lost all desire. I knew that I was done. I am not a big person to begin with, but I lost 20 lbs over that summer. I was sick with anxiety.

Then, an old friend that I had always had an attraction to hit me up. He was a player, but ohhhh so sexy! I fell into a very flirtatious relationship with him that ended up over the course of a couple months with us in bed. I had never done anything like it before, but I didn't feel regret. I felt remorse, but no regret. One week later, I left my husband. I didn't intend in getting into a relationship with my new partner, because I knew i wanted out of my marriage mostly because I wasn't happy, not because I wanted to be with someone else. But New Guy was so supportive, attentive, helpful. He made himself available to me. He wanted the world to know we were together! My close friends all advised me to cut it off, to take time for ME. I never intended to go directly from one relationship to another. But I fell in love.

In the beginning part of our relationship, I was torn though. He was text messaging other women, hiding his phone, screening his calls around me. I even drove by his house the day after Valentine's Day (he gave me diamond earrings) once and saw one of his ex's cars in his driveway when he told me he was making himself dinner while I went to my daughter's girl scouts meeting. I noticed condoms missing from his drawer. Women's hair on his bathroom floor. I even broke it off once and went on a date with a man that had been hinting interest for a long time. I tried messing around with him, but I couldn't follow through, it felt wrong. I went home and cried and took the longest shower. I was resentful that the man I was seeing put so much OWNERSHIP on me, but seemed to be playing the field himself. Whenever I confronted him, I was seeing things that weren't there. I was the only one for him. Our love was different than anything he's had before. Everyone close to him saw it too.

6 months after my separation, I threw caution into the wind. We became OFFICIAL BF/GF. Things seemed good for a while. One month into our relationship, I noticed condoms missing AGAIN!!
I felt guilt because he didn't know I knew. I was snooping. The secretive text messaging continued. Finally I confronted him. I was so angry because I let myself believe that if we went official it would end. He gave me some excuse, and I accepted it. I loved him! We had a great summer. We traveled. I went out of state and met his family and a large group of his childhood friends. He hinted marriage. Toward early Fall, we started talking about moving in together since we stayed with each other every night anyway. In October, he left his email open on my computer. I looked and found an email with naked pictures of his ex gf!! Sent recently! I confronted him again, more excuses. I confronted her. It was an accident, she's in a happy new relationship, wanted nothing to do with him, she wished us the best. Then I got curious. I started logging into dating applications and found a profile he made on Badoo with 3 out of 5 of his pics pictures I took of him. Since I had created the profile to investigate my BF, men started hitting me up, and I started having conversations with some of them. I figured if he was doing it, why couldn't I? Fast forward and I found a new set of condoms in a different drawer with two missing. I confronted him right away. He was mad I was snooping again (of course) and said those were old condoms, then when I said that was impossible based on the exp date, his story changed to "I put those there. I threw away two. I wanted to see if you were going through my s#@t again." Anyways, I don't know why I relented again. But I met two of the men that I had been talking to. I just wasn't attracted to them. I couldn't do anything. It was like, nice to meet you, but I can't step out on my bf.

On a side note, things in the bedroom have been different since early Fall. We just didn't have sex as much. Sometimes, I felt like it was monotonous and a burden for him. I wanted it more than he did. I withdrew and decided I wasn't going to put myself out there anymore because I got tired of being let down. We went from doing it almost daily to 2 or 3 times a week. For most people that is good, but for us, it wasn't normal. Something felt off. I tried to justify it in the normal course of a ltr. He had been gaining weight, and had been complaining about it, so maybe he felt self-conscious. I didn't know.

We found a house just before Christmas. With the holidays, we were delayed in our application process, and there was just one other we wanted to look at that wasn't avail until after the first, so we were waiting to make the final decision. We had a nice Christmas. My family came down, gifts were exchanged. It was nice. The weekend after Christmas I started feeling like maybe I was getting a bladder infection. I ignored it, until new years eve I made a mental note to go to my dr. The morning of Jan 2, I knew. I told my bf it burned when I peed. He insisted I go to the dr.
Later in the morning, he called and told me he said, "I might be having sympathy pain, but it burned a little when I peed this morning." RED FLAGS FLYING EVERYWHERE. I said it could be a bladder infection, but it sounds like and STD if you ask me. He says, "Well, there's no way it could be unless it's something that has been dormant for a long time."
He went to his clinic and they immediately treated him for an STD. My dr gave me antibiotics for a UTI and sent my sample in for culture.

Over the next couple of days, he was more intense. Hard to explain. Very sweet. Declarative of his love. Friday morning, while he was holding me in bed I felt him stir, and I responded. He acted resistant, asked me if I was sure it was okay, and he wouldn't get fully aroused. I'm thinking what the hell is his problem?! He took a position we rarely use and finished very quickly. He never became fully erect. Sorry if this is explicit, but I think it is very significant!!! My mind is racing. He is GUILTY of something. Or he is taking care of it himself. Or someone else is taking care of it for him.

Later in the morning I asked him how he was feeling and if he had heard from his doctor. He responded kind of defensively, saying something like "I told you I would tell you when I knew. It seems like you don't believe me or something." I told him I was still having symptoms after 3 days, something wasn't right. He blew it off like "Well, we can't have that!"

So Friday afternoon comes along, and I get the call. I have to leave work to get my shot and antibiotics. I am not even crying. I am LIVID. I WAS PROVEN RIGHT!!! I felt like I had no one to talk to. Walking in my dr's office after hours and the looks they all gave me. I was embarrassed, humiliated, violated, ashamed. I felt sorry for my children and myself because I couldn't stay with this man. I loved him harder than I loved my ex husband! I had never had a connection with someone like this before! And it all felt like lies!! I left the clinic. Drove to his house. rang his doorbell. Put his housekey and garage door opener in his hand and told him what I had contracted. Walked past him, got my stuff, and told him I had to go home and wash my sheets.

I cried all night Friday. All day Saturday. I tried to get out of my house, but I felt so lost. I sat in my car crying in the parking lot after I picked up my meds. I needed groceries so I drove to the grocery store, but I never got out of my car. Drove home. Cried a bunch more. Would sleep for 2 or 3 hours at night then was up in total despair. I couldn't eat. Sunday was a nice day, so I went for a run at the park. I had hardly eaten or slept since Friday, so it wasn't long, but I felt better. He was texting me how sorry he was, how much he missed me, etc. I actually felt better texting him because I could hammer him with everything without worrying about looking like a blubbering idiot or raging lunatic. We agreed to meet Sunday night at a local park. He told me it was an ex that had called him out of the blue, he agreed to meet her to 'hang out' and it just happened. He said he felt so bad he couldn't even finish. He said he took the longest shower (sound familiar?). I YELLED at him... WHAT MADE YOU EVER THINK IT WAS OK TO HANG OUT ALONE WITH AN EX? You knew it was wrong because you know I wouldn't trip about it. Then you came home and looked me in the eye and told me you loved me, and you slept in my bed, you talked about our future!! We were about to sign a lease together!! How can I believe ANYTHING you tell me?!?!

He cried then. The sick part is I was happy he was hurting like that. The one thing I could believe is that he was sorry. And I could believe his feelings after. Not being able to follow through. Taking the longest shower. I hugged him. I missed his touch, but a few seconds in I started thinking about that nasty b!#ches body on his. His arms around her. His lips on her. All of it. And I was repulsed. Will I always feel this way?

So here we are now. We have spent some time together. He is not around when my kids are awake. I have w/d outside activities with him. Wednesday morning he came over to talk before work (we both weren't sleeping). We talked and we argued. I told him that I want to work it out, but I don't know where to begin, or what to do. I told him it is going to be a LONG, HARD road ahead. He got resentful because I keep asking him WHY. He only says he messed up, it was a mistake. Maybe it was because we were moving in together and he knew he wouldn't do anything wrong then. I ask him what was missing? I felt like we had it all, I mean, truly, all! I cried. He hugged me. Then again, he was upset I asked more questions, and I snapped. I told him that if we are going to make it, he is going to have to deal with my questions! I am going to ask the same questions and he is just going to have to answer me the same every time until I believe him! It is still raw! He crushed me and everything we represented. He broke my heart.

He was quiet. Then I noticed tears running down his face. They didn't stop for 10 minutes. He wouldn't respond to my touch. Then he tried to leave. The angry, hurt part of me wanted to let him leave, but the part that loves him couldn't. He finally came back in and literally sobbed on my couch. Made a comment about wanting to hurt himself. And before anyone judges, this is not normal, annoying behavior from him. My ex-h was a major cry baby, and he is nothing like him.

The biggest question I have now is HOW CAN I BELIEVE YOU WILL NEVER HURT ME AGAIN LIKE THIS?

He says because he never again wants to hurt like his is hurting now. He never again wants to hurt me. He needs me in his life.

We are talking, but we aren't together-together. We are spending time together but it is weird for me. I have kissed him. But I lose it because I start thinking about the other woman. It's almost like she is there between us. I can't even imagine having sex with him right now, although I still desire him. I'm walking around like a zombie. I feel like i have a giant hole in my chest! I fear being hurt like this again by him. I don't know how to move past it!

My closest friends are advising me again to just do me. But I am afraid of losing him. What if we can work through this? Some relationships come out stronger after infidelities, don't they? What if I didn't give it just one more chance?

I'm not diving right back in, and he hates that. I think it's better that I not. But I don't want him to give up either. I think he needs to miss me and think about what we had a little.

Any advice? From someone with experience, anyone with successful experience? Feedback greatly appreciated.

[AdminOnline]

The fun is over. Now come the pain.

Action speak louder than words..

Your bf hurt you so deeply with the disease.
Words like "trust", "never do it again" etc might not be true.

Are you sure you gonna still be with your bf ? Continue to be with your bf might not give you a better future.

You need to be move yourself forward to a "new & fresh" environment to get a new breath of life.

[IndiReloaded]

Dump him. LA is right: pay attention to his actions--he doesn't love you. He is crying for *himself*, not you. Dumping him will be a good lesson not to treat people this way. And you can be free to find someone much nicer.

[bcgirl]

Shame on him he fooled you once, shame on you he fooled you twice. During the course of the relationship there has been so many lies that you told, and it's human nature to want to give a loved one the benefit of the doubt in order to protect yourself from being hurt. You fed into his lies that the condoms that were missing was "just your imagination". He feeds you the lies and you try so hard to fight away your intuition. You didn't trust him so you go snooping and this doesn't even get him to stop. He probably began having unprotected sex because he didn't want to be accused again of missing conforms and you had to pay the price in catching a disease. Now thee is no more excuses he can make, he is caught red handed. This is why you really should have taken the time off from any man after your marriage instead of going from one crappy relationship into another crappy relationship. You are so dependant on a man. Be strong and cut all ties from him. I used to be a cheater in my last relationship. The times he hasn't been wanting to have sex or wanting to do it with a condom means he is scared he may have caught something. When confronted, I was able to put on a damn good Oscar winning performance filled with Crying and begging etc. he will keep cheating if u take him back, and u would be very stupid if u did

[Wakeup]

You are so afraid of being alone that you jumped from one bad relationship/man right into another bad relationship/man. I highly recommend that you do not see this man at all, get yourself some education though books about "fear of being alone" "codependency" and "low self-worth" or see a personal therapist so that you break this habit of picking stinko men as your "life" partner(s). You're so afraid of being alone that you stuck your head in the sand, afraid of the answer to the clues that even Helen Keller could see.

Forget men for awhile and work on yourself. Learn how to live alone and be happy in your own skin before even venturing out there again. You're going to pick the same type of man or you're going stay with the same man (same type) and be angst ridden and without self-worth.

At the very least, do not take him back until he's had councelling. He's addicted to strange (think Tiger Woods) by all accounts and to take him back without any consequences (except some tears - pffft) isn't teaching this man one thing. You are known as an enabler. You enable him to be the shit-storm that he is by staying with him. Zero consequences for his piss-poor actions. Why should he change?

How can you think you'll be able to get the emotional connection you once had with him back after he's cheated on you multiply times and gave you an STI to boot? Thats an honest question, how do you suppose you'll ever be able to do that?

Does he know how you've been dallying with the opposite sex as well or have you kept your part of the deal from him?

Then, an old friend that I had always had an attraction to hit me up. He was a player, but ohhhh so sexy! I fell into a very flirtatious relationship with him that ended up over the course of a couple months with us in bed.

No. He IS a player.

[calibeauty]

How can you think you'll be able to get the emotional connection you once had with him back after he's cheated on you multiply times and gave you an STI to boot? Thats an honest question, how do you suppose you'll ever be able to do that?

Does he know how you've been dallying with the opposite sex as well or have you kept your part of the deal from him?[/QUOTE]

YES DEFINITELY AFRAID OF BEING ALONE. I will not try to deny it. I moved from my parents house, into my marital house, into my own house but with a man in my life. I am an educated woman. Strong. But I crave companionship. Yep.

And the emotional connection is my biggest concern. I will never forget. Can I get past it??

And no. Not really. He saw a text from a man around the 17th. He said his discrepancy was around the 19th.

I wonder if I should come completely clean. Friends tell me not to if I feel like salvaging this relationship. The one time I did physically mess around with a man was when we were on a break.
I kind of feel like he's got some stuff to get off his chest too. Quit using "it happened in the past" as an excuse to discredit my questions or concerns.

I think the only way we might be able to move on is if we both came completely clean.

[calibeauty]

And yes, I feel like I need to MOVE completely on with my life. I will lose a lot of friends. We met through work. I have to face these people every day! I'm seriously considering moving out of town!!!

[Wakeup]

Do you not think it would be a good idea to, at the very least, take a break from this man while you get your shit together?

You're willing to overlook this without him getting the cleanse he needs getting in order to give up strange pussy. That says a lot about you and your own lack of personal boundaries. Neither of you even know what a personal or relationship boundary consists of by the sounds of things... you both need education on what helps couples to remain monogamous. If you want a monogamous relationship with this man then he needs to be trained on how to maintain one.

Is there any particular reason why you wouldn't just leave him to his debauchery and get the help you need to learn how to be happy in your own skin so that you are confident enough to know when to give a royal douche the boot before you become addicted to him?

On edit: I just saw you're post above. If his friends know that he gave you an STI would they still side with him? If you say "yes" to that then you're not losing much if you give all them up too. Don't let fair-weather friends stop you from doing what is ultimately right for you.

[calibeauty]

We are on a break.
But we are talking. Spending some time together, not in intimate ways.
So not a complete break, b/c I guess this is the time to decide if we are going to make it or not. I cut off conversations with other men. Told them I need to give this a chance. Honestly, I can't even think about being with ANY man right now. I'm so disgusted with the whole thing.

He made a good point in how are we going to develop trust if we aren't around each other?
He said he will be changing his number. I will have access to his phone. I will see his text messages.

[calibeauty]

His friends and family all wish us the best. One has even told me she has never seen him love anyone like this before. I'm not sure if he disclosed the infection.

[Wakeup]

He made a good point in how are we going to develop trust if we aren't around each other?

A better question to you would why would you want to? Have you even broached the subject of marriage councelling or personal therapy for him? Anyway, you're obviously too frightened to leave and that is the best reason right there why you should seriously think about getting some personal therapy for yourself.

Maybe you'll get the self-worth to see that this is not the man you hope he will be. The odds are very, very slim that he'll change afterall, he's been a player since your highschool days... or that you'll be able to get past the broken trust without BOTH of you getting the help of a professional. You may stay together but you'll very likely be experiencing this yet again in the future.

You'll do what is easiest for you. I really, recommend that you bite the bullet this time and push yourself to be brave enough to leave someone who could disrespect you so much. He disrespected your marriage to your ex husband by being with you prior to being separated or divorced and now he's disrespected you by cheating on you, like he did with you. His way, by all accounts is engrained.

His friends and family all wish us the best. One has even told me she has never seen him love anyone like this before. I'm not sure if he disclosed the infection.

Well if he's "never loved someone like this" before and HE STILL WENT AND PUT HIS JUNK INTO AN INFECTED FLOOZY, then how can you not see that this man is addicted to sexual hookups and strange pussy. Wake Up, doll. He's not jsut going to stop cold turkey because you've made him cry.

[bcgirl]

No contact is the only way to go, but since you are already and still in contact with him by talking, texting, hanging out... In a week or two you guys will kiss and make-up and then you are back in that vicious cycle. You don't trust him, you will keep snooping, scared you might find something. You get anxiety that he may be fu(king whores because he didn't answer your phone call after the 3rd ring and was half an hour late in coming home.... These will stir up more fights..... He will retreat back to his old ways of cheating because he craves dirty pu$$y and variety.... You feel emotionally unsatisfied by him and you crave more love and attention from him so you seek out other men.

Don't you want to set good examples for your children? Have them see you as a strong, independent woman so that they don't fall vulnerable to destructive and miserable relationships of their own.?

The next time the STD can be HIV, be careful! Who knows who and what he sticks his pole into

[relationshiphq]

Have some self respect and move on

[Fruitss]

I dont know i cant get it. With which men did u end up?
Cause there was a lot of men in that u messed with in your story.

And its like u dont care about your kids.
Cause kids get a wrong idea of relationships and from woman/men by seeing their mom
and dad being messy.
Bringing this dude that dude.

When things r getting like this u need too take 10 steps back and take a look at your self
and what u want and what is right too do.
Instead of go out mess it more up.

[BoredGeorge]

Didn't read it. Too long. I probably have herpies. I'm pretty sure I gave it to a woman but I'm also sure she already had herpies. So no harm done. Many people have the herpies.

I should probably get an STD test done. I don't know what the probability of catching an STD from penis to vaginal sex are. I'm guessing aside from the herpies and gonorrhea, probably low.

Sorry to hear about your STD.