How do I handle this fight?

[Oodleboboodle]

My boyfriend and I had a fight today that is really troubling. Normally, Tuesdays are our date days because neither of us work, and one of our friends works at a fancy local restaurant that our boss owns and can give us great discounts. Naturally, we go almost every Tuesday. Anyways, I had to work this tuesday morning when I usually don't, so I kissed him goodbye and left for work at about 10:15 am without having plans made with him for later. I get done with work at about 2pm, which is usually when my boyfriend has been awake for long enough to be a functioning and social person. I hadn't heard from him yet, so I decided to go home and workout. When I finished, I texted him to tell him I did a really hard workout and asked him what he had accomplished today. All he said was "nothing". I didn't think anything of it and figured that his short response and lack of an invite to do anything meant that he was probably still sleeping. (He's a bar manager and works late night, so this is normal). I needed and wanted to do a couple things at my place since I spend most nights at his house and never get much accomplished at my house, so I didn't attempt to make plans with him yet. I took a long shower and then decided that I wanted to go to a 4:25 movie with some girls that I work with. They had been talking about seeing it, but I wasn't sure if I was going to go with them or not, but if my boyfriend was still asleep or at least not in a rush to hang out and if I had enough time to get ready for dinner, then I didn't see the harm in going. It was close to 4pm and I still needed to get dressed and pick up my friend, so I was a little rushed and distracted and didn't have time to tell my boyfriend what my plans were. I guess I just thought that he wouldn't care if I went to see kind of a girly movie with two of my girlfriends at 4pm.

Well I was very, VERY wrong.

He texted me at about 5pm wanting to know what I was up to, so I told him that I was in a movie and invited him to dinner later. He was really pissed that I didn't tell him that I was going to see a movie because it happened to be a movie that he wanted to see. I apologized to him and told him that I didn't know that he wanted to see it. He has a really bad habit where he'll just totally ignore me when I upset him, so I wasn't surprised when the movie let out one and a half hours later and he wasn't responding to my calls or texts. I loitered in Macy's for about fifteen minutes with my two friends while I waited to see if he was going to respond to me so I would know my next move for the night. My two friends were meeting other people for dinner and invited me to go along, but I declined because its date night and I wanted to be with my boyfriend. He still wasn't getting back to me, so I decided to run an errand in the direction of his house to give him time to respond to me, because after all, I didn't actually know at this point if he was still angry at me or if he was just in he shower or something and missed my texts and calls since it had only been about 25 minutes since my first attempt. I was driving myself crazy with the anticipation of hearing back from him, so I stashed my phone while I drove to do my errand. In that ten minute period, he called me back and I missed it.

The fighting begins immediately.

He accuses me of neglecting him all day to hang out with other people and that he's been waiting for me since 11 am and that I should just have fun shopping at Macy's and doing everything without him. I'm basically blindsided by this. It went from him being upset that I saw a movie that he wanted to see without him to me "neglecting" him all day. He was so angry that he couldn't even speak to me on the phone and told me that he didn't want to go to dinner anymore. So I just go home and am trying to be reasonable via text, but he just refuses to accept that I wasn't intentionally trying to leave him out or tell him to **** off. My boyfriend is so unreasonable in fights because he wants to punish you if you mess up, which makes me angry because it makes me feel like a little kid, which is condescending, and it's just not constructive. It doesn't help us resolve anything! But he begins punishing me by refusing to talk to me. He knows it makes me crazy to be ignored, so I'm struggling HARD to not text him, but I have so much to say about how unfair it is hat I just can't really help myself because I'm of the school of thought where you never leave a fight unresolved and I like to resolve fights ASAP. My boyfriend, on the other hand, will just walk away from you when he's angry, and may not come back until the next day. Our fighting styles are so incompatible that almost every fight we have turns into absolute blow-out, and this fight was no different. I'm going wild at home and I'm so consumed by the injustice of this situation and how cruel and unnecessary it is to just ignore a person, but he just won't communicate, so I finally had to just calm myself down. Then my friend from earlier in the day texts me to ask if we had resolved our fight because she saw in foursquare that he had checked in at our date night restaurant. She assumed that we had resolved it and gone out to dinner together. Unfortunately, that is not what happened. I sat in bed alone, eating easy mac while my pissed-off boyfriend went to our date night dinner to hang out with our friend who works there. That's totally bogus, right? He was mad at me for "neglecting" him and seeing a movie without him, so he had to punish me by ignoring me, then one-up me by going to dinner without me. Now I'm not talking to him. I'm really upset because it seems so unfair and I don't know why he has to be so mean. The worst part is that I still want to text him and to make things better, but he hasn't even attempted to talk to me after I confronted him about going to dinner without me. He doesn't feel bad at all. Is this even worth fixing? He makes me feel like garbage.

Any thoughts on what I should do?

[surfhb2]

My boyfriend and I had a fight today that is really troubling. Normally, Tuesdays are our date days because neither of us work, and one of our friends works at a fancy local restaurant that our boss owns and can give us great discounts. Naturally, we go almost every Tuesday. Anyways, I had to work this tuesday morning when I usually don't, so I kissed him goodbye and left for work at about 10:15 am without having plans made with him for later. I get done with work at about 2pm, which is usually when my boyfriend has been awake for long enough to be a functioning and social person. I hadn't heard from him yet, so I decided to go home and workout. When I finished, I texted him to tell him I did a really hard workout and asked him what he had accomplished today. All he said was "nothing". I didn't think anything of it and figured that his short response and lack of an invite to do anything meant that he was probably still sleeping. (He's a bar manager and works late night, so this is normal). I needed and wanted to do a couple things at my place since I spend most nights at his house and never get much accomplished at my house, so I didn't attempt to make plans with him yet. I took a long shower and then decided that I wanted to go to a 4:25 movie with some girls that I work with. They had been talking about seeing it, but I wasn't sure if I was going to go with them or not, but if my boyfriend was still asleep or at least not in a rush to hang out and if I had enough time to get ready for dinner, then I didn't see the harm in going. It was close to 4pm and I still needed to get dressed and pick up my friend, so I was a little rushed and distracted and didn't have time to tell my boyfriend what my plans were. I guess I just thought that he wouldn't care if I went to see kind of a girly movie with two of my girlfriends at 4pm.

Well I was very, VERY wrong.

He texted me at about 5pm wanting to know what I was up to, so I told him that I was in a movie and invited him to dinner later. He was really pissed that I didn't tell him that I was going to see a movie because it happened to be a movie that he wanted to see. I apologized to him and told him that I didn't know that he wanted to see it. He has a really bad habit where he'll just totally ignore me when I upset him, so I wasn't surprised when the movie let out one and a half hours later and he wasn't responding to my calls or texts. I loitered in Macy's for about fifteen minutes with my two friends while I waited to see if he was going to respond to me so I would know my next move for the night. My two friends were meeting other people for dinner and invited me to go along, but I declined because its date night and I wanted to be with my boyfriend. He still wasn't getting back to me, so I decided to run an errand in the direction of his house to give him time to respond to me, because after all, I didn't actually know at this point if he was still angry at me or if he was just in he shower or something and missed my texts and calls since it had only been about 25 minutes since my first attempt. I was driving myself crazy with the anticipation of hearing back from him, so I stashed my phone while I drove to do my errand. In that ten minute period, he called me back and I missed it.

The fighting begins immediately.

He accuses me of neglecting him all day to hang out with other people and that he's been waiting for me since 11 am and that I should just have fun shopping at Macy's and doing everything without him. I'm basically blindsided by this. It went from him being upset that I saw a movie that he wanted to see without him to me "neglecting" him all day. He was so angry that he couldn't even speak to me on the phone and told me that he didn't want to go to dinner anymore. So I just go home and am trying to be reasonable via text, but he just refuses to accept that I wasn't intentionally trying to leave him out or tell him to **** off. My boyfriend is so unreasonable in fights because he wants to punish you if you mess up, which makes me angry because it makes me feel like a little kid, which is condescending, and it's just not constructive. It doesn't help us resolve anything! But he begins punishing me by refusing to talk to me. He knows it makes me crazy to be ignored, so I'm struggling HARD to not text him, but I have so much to say about how unfair it is hat I just can't really help myself because I'm of the school of thought where you never leave a fight unresolved and I like to resolve fights ASAP. My boyfriend, on the other hand, will just walk away from you when he's angry, and may not come back until the next day. Our fighting styles are so incompatible that almost every fight we have turns into absolute blow-out, and this fight was no different. I'm going wild at home and I'm so consumed by the injustice of this situation and how cruel and unnecessary it is to just ignore a person, but he just won't communicate, so I finally had to just calm myself down. Then my friend from earlier in the day texts me to ask if we had resolved our fight because she saw in foursquare that he had checked in at our date night restaurant. She assumed that we had resolved it and gone out to dinner together. Unfortunately, that is not what happened. I sat in bed alone, eating easy mac while my pissed-off boyfriend went to our date night dinner to hang out with our friend who works there. That's totally bogus, right? He was mad at me for "neglecting" him and seeing a movie without him, so he had to punish me by ignoring me, then one-up me by going to dinner without me. Now I'm not talking to him. I'm really upset because it seems so unfair and I don't know why he has to be so mean. The worst part is that I still want to text him and to make things better, but he hasn't even attempted to talk to me after I confronted him about going to dinner without me. He doesn't feel bad at all. Is this even worth fixing? He makes me feel like garbage.

Any thoughts on what I should do?

What was the movie?

[searock]

He has communication issues... if it happens often for him to blow up like this, making you feel like garbage, then yes, I think you should consider ending things. I think you should be the adult here, and go over to his house to talk. I think he just doesn't know how to handle his own emotions, so he resorts to silent treatment because he has no idea how else to communicate his emotions when he's upset. If he is willing to try and change, it's worth another chance. Otherwise, just leave.

[jennifer.c]

He has communication issues... if it happens often for him to blow up like this, making you feel like garbage, then yes, I think you should consider ending things. I think you should be the adult here, and go over to his house to talk. I think he just doesn't know how to handle his own emotions, so he resorts to silent treatment because he has no idea how else to communicate his emotions when he's upset. If he is willing to try and change, it's worth another chance. Otherwise, just leave.

This.

A lot of what you said about your argument styles clashing reminds me of my old relationship that ended a year and a half ago (thank god.) My ex used to do the same silent treatment thing and it drove me INSANE, as well as going out with his friends without me and ignore me like it was his right of passage wheras if I did it it was horrible betrayal. Turned out he was, overall, ridiculously emotionally immature and selfish and all that good stuff. Maybe your boyfriend is like this, maybe he isn't. How often do these bad fights happen? Every few months? Or daily/weekly? If it's occasional and you are otherwise extremely happy and respectful toward each other, I think this sort of thing is okay, it'll blow over, and you should just talk to him about communicating better in the future. If it's frequent and you find yourself often upset like this, consider ending it.

As of now, just wait until tomorrow or something for him to cool down. If he's anything like my ex, trying to talk while he's still mad will either lead to a) horribly frustrating silent treatment or b) fighting and a general lack of cooperation on his part. Call him like midday tomorrow if he hasn't contacted you yet (or whenever works with your schedule) and talk it over then. Tortuous to wait, I know, but he'll probably be more willing to have a rational conversation once he's cooled down a bit. Texting him nonstop now will probably just make him more inclined to "punish" you because he sees it's working.

[vashti]

If you had an established pattern of spending the day together, I think you should have checked in with him before running off to do your errands.

Do you want to be right? Or do you want to have peace? If you want to have peace, apologize and work out some system to avoid having this happen again. If you want to be right, tell him he has communication issues and it's all his fault.

[Fruitss]

u talk so much shit that we dont want too know that it gets boring.
like we dont give a shit about what time it was ,what u was doing in the morning. get too the point next time

and i feeel like u want too invole the whole world in such a stupid fight.

u where wrong if u know its th day u both hang out, u cant go do
whatever without talking about first.

but what ever soon u will be focking him , and not even thinking abut the fight

[Scarlet_P]

In some ways, Fruitss, you're very right. Make up sex, if the fight wasn't too bad, can be a very good therapy. But this guy sounds a bit unhinged.

If he makes you feel like this over normal, every day stuff, trying to disconnect you from the things you loved before you were together, isolate you, interogate you, control you, or generally emotionally bully you, you have nothing to resolve on your side. It should be him apologising for being a prune. I know how it is though. What he's experiencing is obsessive love, and of that it can be scary to be on the receiving end. Did you arrange to do anything with him at 11am, though? Had he been waiting all day for you? I doubt it from the sounds of it.

My gf, before we were living together, used to see each other quite a bit, but would IM each other in the evening. When I said I had to work out/eat/practice guitar etc, she used to get a bit annoyed. I thought this was cute at first, but then when we moved in, guess what. I stopped playing guitar or working out for a while, and I had to pretty much demand the time back to do this.

What was the movie? If it was The Hobbit, I'd be really cross too