Home or away?

[Scarlet_P]

Hi all,

I recently moved to Australia with my girlfriend, who's from Aus (I'm from the UK), and we met in London, where we moved in together. Originally, we were both posting on a chat forum, not unlike this one, and someone suggested us all meeting up, so we could take off our masks and have a few drinks. In other words, after posting for a while, everyone got curious

The lady in question and myself got on well, so we started going out and dating, which led to us moving in together, just over 3 years ago. 9 months of that have been spent in Australia, where we are currently.

Here's the thing. Since we moved in together for the first time, we haven't been intimate very often with each other (I get a peck on lips twice a day, that's it). That's over the whole time we've actually been sharing a house. Before that, things were great.

I've repeatedly asked her and encouraged her to be honest with me about it. I've got to the point where I suggested that she either wasn't interested any more, ie, she doesn't fancy me, or, she's having it off with someone else. I had no response to this, but the other night, after a few drinks, she told me that it was because I smoke, and she doesn't, which doesn't take a genius to work out why she doesn't like it. Thing is, she's never mentioned it before as a reason not to sleep with me, and always said it was fine (the smoking, that is). Now, after 3 years of living together, and with me moving to a different continent for her, she drops the bombshell on me.

You may be thinking: quit. But every time I've tried that in the past, it doesn't work. I need to quit smoking for me, not because someone is pressuring me into it. Also, I don't believe that's the reason. She tells me she loves me, and I think she does, but I'm thinking that 1) she shouldn't have gone out with me in the first place if it's a problem, and 2), that I definitely should NOT have gone to Australia with her with something like that on her mind. She's also aware of the outcome of previous relationships where then-girlfriends of mine have tried to force this issue, and it just goes pear-shaped.

I think the smoking is a scapegoat for something deeper. Meaning, she could have said, "become a vegan" or "get your hair cut like this", or something similar, knowing I wouldn't do that, thus making our intimacy problems my fault, and also getting me to break up with her. If we were both from the UK, and going to settle there, it might be different - but I'm missing my friends and family terribly, and I'm not sure this relationship is strong enough for me to forsake them, or rather, this country is right for me at all.

Scarlet

[basilandthyme]

Scarlet, there's no shame in calling this time in Oz a good holiday and heading back home. Better that you pull the plug now than waste more time on her.

[Boisdevie]

The smoking thing is an excuse. How cheap are flights to the uk - you might need one soon.

[Fruitss]

surprisee? itss nasty too be around people that smoke , let alone intimate.

they always stinks like hell. brown teeth and puck a lot and have some kind of no interest in hygiene.
so i dont blame her.

and if u know a lot of girls dont like u smoke and u think u can be like that and they need too accept it why dont u stay alone in your own world?
u r killing them 2 with that smoke.

[basilandthyme]

puck a lot

What on earth is pucking? To puck or not to puck, that is the question.

[Consistency]

3 years and no sex?

[Fruitss]

What on earth is pucking? To puck or not to puck, that is the question.

smart and funny is not your thing stick too faggation

[Scarlet_P]

First up, thanks to you all for taking interest and offering opinions and advice.

I do understand, Fruitss, what it's like for a non-smoker to go out with a smoker. I don't smoke in the car, in the house, or even anywhere near her, just as I wouldn't with anyone else who doesn't smoke. I also visit the dentist regularly, shower twice a day, floss and use mouth wash and wash my hands after every cigarette. Oh, and I work out, and cook healthy meals for us every night. The image of someone with yellow hands and teeth is very far from me; I take every precaution I can not to be a smelly skag. Take away the smokes, and I think I'd be fairly pristine. I did date a smoker once who lit one up in my bedroom, and she very quickly became an ex.

However, that's not the point here. My girlfriend met me as a smoker, so she knew what she was getting into. If I had to ask her to change something, if this is quid pro quo, it would be for her to actually get undressed in front of me, not just lie in the missionary position during sex, and for her to actually kiss me properly once in a while (like I said, I use floss, mouthwash and thoroughly clean my teeth and my hands before coming to bed). Since being in Aus, we've had sex 5 times in 9 months, which is a pretty terrible average. Also, she is a bit overweight but I don't deny her sex, or try to use it as a bargaining chip to make her do so. I buy her flowers once a week, and am always flattering her, but it does no good.

Her previous boyfriend cheated on her, but I'm wondering if she did the same to him, by denying him sex. I wouldn't cheat - I'm thinking of breaking up with her, as I don't see why I should move to Aus with my girlfriend, only to live like a chaste monk. Call me shallow, but no sex or kissing makes me just a good friend, not a boyfriend.

Thanks,
Scarlet

[Scarlet_P]

PS:
Basilandthyme - I think you're right. I'm not going to beg for sex, that's just humiliating and insulting. I paid for a nice trip to Bali for us, and things seemed to be OK for 6 days. Then it was back to life.
Boisdevie - I can afford to get back no problem, and will also be able to pay the rent up for her, so she's not completely stuck financially. I do care about her heaps, but can't go on like this.

[Boisdevie]

This sounds like a truly terrible relationship. Sex 5 times in 9 months is terrible. I'm sure there are 70 year olds out there doing it more often. Get back to the UK and don't worry about her paying her rent - she's a grown up and so should look after herself. Look after yourself.

[Scarlet_P]

This sounds like a truly terrible relationship. Sex 5 times in 9 months is terrible. I'm sure there are 70 year olds out there doing it more often. Get back to the UK and don't worry about her paying her rent - she's a grown up and so should look after herself. Look after yourself.

True. I should've seen it coming (no pun intended). We've been together 5 years, so 3 of those while we've been living together haven't been that great in the bedroom department. I think she has invented new ways of trying to make sex as mundane as possible for me. Every time it has gone over a month, I think, "next time she makes me wait that long, I'm going back home". But I haven't, as I just wanted to know the reason, even if the truth is that she doesn't like me any more. Thanks!

[basilandthyme]

smart and funny is not your thing stick too faggation

I can't be that smart if I don't know what pucking is