Did I hurt him or does he just not care?

[clueless_girl]

Hi,

I've had a kind of fwb relation with a guy for around 4 months. When we first met it was for a one night only. Or that is what I had expected. He called me though and we kept seeing each others occasionally and after 2 months I had a raul with him after finding out he had a family. It turned out they had splitted up a month before we met, while the girl was still pregnant. Anyway, we continued seeing each others and he moved in with me for a couple of weeks while looking for a place of his own. During those weeks we had some weird time. It was nice and we were together most of the time but I also had the feeling he spend time with me only when his friends were not available. I told him I had developed some feelings and he understood that and said he liked me a lot even though he couldn't say he was in love with me. When he left it was in the middle of the night to new year. He had visited a friend and came back 10 minutes to gather his stuff running for a flight. I felt the farewell was very cold. After all he had been sleeping in my bed for the whole time and we had had sex too. He was in a hurry, but it was just a brief kiss on the cheek and a thanks for all, see ya. Then he ran off.
A few hours later I got a text where he told me he hadn't gone on the flight. I replied asking why and he told me he had met a friend on the way, started talking and just missed the flight. Then I got a text asking if I was home that I did not reply to and then he called after another two hours and I did not pick up. I felt scared, hurt and sad and didn't know what to say to him. I didn't want him to stay with me anymore but was afraid I would be weak. I too wanted to get back a bit on him. This was on New year's eve and I didn't hear from him any more after that. I send a text on the 2nd saying I hadn't been home, asking how he was and if he had gotten on a later flight. He has not replied. I now feel very sad about having not answered his call on new year. I don't want to be mean and hurt him. But I also didn't want to be used more by him. Even the fwb was always only on his conditions. Why did he not reply on my text? Did I hurt him or is it that he really doesn't care about me? If he had cared about me he would have tried and asked me why I didn't pick up, or what do you think? I would so much want to clear this, that there are no hard feelings. I know he has used me but I don't want to be mean just because he was. Can I call him and ask how he is or should I just leave it? He left some things here too. I don't want to continue a sexual relation with him but I want us to be good with each others. Not end it in silent treatment.

[basilandthyme]

you were right on the second count: he doesn't care.

[Guybrush]

Why do you feel that you owe this guy anything at all? I cannot find anything in your story to suggest that he is worth any further attention.

[Wakeup]

It turned out they had splitted up a month before we met, while the girl was still pregnant. Anyway, we continued seeing each others

Ask yourself why you would continue to see a man that lied to you? That is all you really need to learn so that you don't repeat mistakes with other men who lie to you and treat you poorly.

I don't want to continue a sexual relation with him but I want us to be good with each others. Not end it in silent treatment.

Just how truthful are you being to yourself about that?

You can do better than the likes of him but first you have to realize you deserve better.

[clueless_girl]

But if he didn't care I did not answer his call, why did he not reply to me 2 days later? After all we spent 4 months.

[clueless_girl]

He didn't lie, he just didn't tell until I asked. I don't think he lied about anything. But I need to ask.

I am truthful to myself about it. I know it is bad for me. I just feel so bad for ending it in such a bad manner. No need to be a jerk just because he is? I want us to be good with each others. If he hadn't felt bad about me not answering, then he would have gotten back with me when I texted two days later, don't you think?

[Wakeup]

No, I don't think. Frankly, I think he's just with someone else right now and he's keeping you on a hook so that you'll be ready, willing and able to fk him again when he deems it. You were'nt exclusive with him so he likely has someone else he's "entertaining" right now and he knows you have developed feelings for him so he's done the fade so you'll get the hint that he doesn't feel for you, like you feel for him.

Quit feeling guilty for not answer his quest to use you for accomodations. You owe him NOTHING and if you take him back into your bed after him treating you like you don't exist then you are not respecting yourself very much.

Sorry to be blunt but you seem incapable of grasping the fact that this mans actions towards you are telling you that he doesn't value you the way you'd like to be valued by him.

Try your best to stop thinking he left you without word because you "hurt his feelings" If he loved you or even just respected you, he'd not want you mad at him and he'd be calling you to make it right with you. He's not doing that, so let him go and don't answer his call for booty because you are now incapable of doing him for just sex. Now you want more then just that and he doesn't. Obviously or you'd be the first person he called when he landed.

I'm sorry you're feeling shitty.. time to get over this now and learn the lesson about casual sex not something that's good for Your emotional health.

He didn't lie, he just didn't tell until I asked.

Please do yourself a favor and stop making excuses for his shitty behaviour towards you.

[clueless_girl]

Try your best to stop thinking he left you without word because you "hurt his feelings" If he loved you or even just respected you, he'd not want you mad at him and he'd be calling you to make it right with you. He's not doing that, so let him go and don't answer his call for booty because you are now incapable of doing him for just sex. Now you want more then just that and he doesn't. Obviously or you'd be the first person he called when he landed.

I was the first person he contacted when back from missed flight. And he did call me when I did not answer his texts, but I didn't pick up....

[rayna]

I was the first person he contacted when back from missed flight. And he did call me when I did not answer his texts, but I didn't pick up....

Isn't it obvious why? Where else was he suppose to go (if he didn't want to spend money on a hotel or HIS OWN place to live)? I don't like how this guy sounds at all!! You're so much better than this...I think it's good riddance that's he's gone. Do NOT try to contact him again...ever!

[Guybrush]

Again, you really don't have any reason to feel bad about anything. Its not like you have an obligation to run a 24h/7d bed and breakfast service for this guy. In my opinion, you should just forget him altogether.

But if it matters so much to you, I don't see much harm in you sending him a text to explain if you really feel that this will help your conscience, and - more importantly (!) - achieve some form of closure. Just make sure that you don't imply that the door is open for him. But before you do that you have to know that you are capable of resisting any urge of letting this guy back into your life, because I dont think he belongs there.

It seems that you have had different views on this relationship from the beginning, and there is an imbalance in the level of emotional involvement from each of you. Investing any more feelings into this will only make it worse.

[geminimoongal]

I really feel for you. You want to believe he likes you cause it is so painful to feel used. He sounds like a real user and whats worse is he knew you liked him so took avantage of that.
It is important that you tell yourself he only contacted you for a place to stay. Think about the four months you say you were together and ask yourself how loving was he towards you?

[gia01]

He's a gamer and I don't see eve a slight spec of love in this.Trust me hon, I've seen such guys who use girls when they have no-one much to rely on because they know we are sensitive emotional beings who can be trapped with loving gestures. Besides, the fact that you told him you developed feelings for him in turn made you vulnerable and that was a bonus for him. From your post, to me it sounds like he needed a time off from his family scandal (I feel terrible for that girl whose pregnant!!) and needed a shelter to plan his next move. I would just suggest that you stay far away from this guy. Even if by any chance he contacts you, I'd say that you just remain courteous and don't entertain him much. Just let go of this past ASAP!!

[clueless_girl]

But if it matters so much to you, I don't see much harm in you sending him a text to explain if you really feel that this will help your conscience, and - more importantly (!) - achieve some form of closure.

That is what I tried doing with my text a couple of days after New Year. He didn't reply. So how can I now do anything? Only thing is to ask what to do with his left behind stuff. But I am also afraid. Both for him answering that and we meet again, and for him not answering and I will feel bad again for him being so angry with me he doesn't even want his things back

[clueless_girl]

Do NOT try to contact him again...ever!

Probably best thing after all. What to do if I run into him? We work not far away from each others.

[basilandthyme]

I will feel bad again for him being so angry with me he doesn't even want his things back

Do you know for sure that he's angry? Or are you just assuming it? It could equally be that he just doesn't care.

What is the value of the stuff he's left at your place? Unless he's left expensive electronic equipement behind, it's probably just easier for him to replace the stuff.