Can exes make a friendship work?

[Lisalost]

Hi guys! My boyfriend/best friend in the whole world broke up with me almost 2 months ago now, and I'm finally moving out of his house this weekend. He has said repeatedly that we'll still be friends. I'm just wondering if you guys think this is realistic... His reason for breaking up with me was basically that he "lost the spark" and didn't think I was "the one" but he continued that he loves me and loves being around me. I don't know if he just said that to soften the blow, or if he really means it. But is it feasible? Can a woman and the man she loves who is no longer in love with her continue to be friends?

[basilandthyme]

I guess he may hang around as a friend until he gets a new partner. But seriously, why would you keep unrequited love in your life? Seeing him and not being able to have him will only cause you pain.

I suggest you insist on 'no contact' until you are over him. And don't listen to him if he's upset about this - if he REALLY wanted you in his life, he wouldn't have ended things.

[smackie9]

No because one of you wishes you have never broken up. Also it messes up your relationship with someone new still having the exe still in the picture. Too much hassle....just frickin move on you don't need to be in each other's life anymore.

[HeartIsAching]

Hi guys! My boyfriend/best friend in the whole world broke up with me almost 2 months ago now, and I'm finally moving out of his house this weekend. He has said repeatedly that we'll still be friends. I'm just wondering if you guys think this is realistic... His reason for breaking up with me was basically that he "lost the spark" and didn't think I was "the one" but he continued that he loves me and loves being around me. I don't know if he just said that to soften the blow, or if he really means it. But is it feasible? Can a woman and the man she loves who is no longer in love with her continue to be friends?

It is feasible. My ex and I broke up ohhh lets see... 17 years ago, and we're still friends. Good friends, actually. Called up to congratulate us when my wife and I got married last year, sent us a wedding present. We talk on the phone every few months just to catch up.

When she and I split, we cohabited in the same house in different rooms for about 6 months. I think that was harder on our respective dating partners than it was on us. We thought it was funny, mostly.

But it does take work, and it is unusual I think.

Can't comment on what your former BF means. Only time and his behavior after you leave will tell.

[Fruitsss]

I think still being friends is what people often say cause they feel sorry cause of the break up and they think by saying that it
will hurt the other less,or cause
they want too keep hanging on u instead of moving on like adults do.

But if u r serious about yourself i would not think about being friends. But breaking up and stay cool with
each other like not having hard feelings is good!

Cause by staying friends , like keep hanging out a lot etc. will send the wrong massage and wrong signal too
other people that may be interested in u. or him.

So it will stand in both of you ways too find your soul mate or other dates.
Like who would like too be with a girl that still hang with her ex. No body
will take u serious.

[searock]

The question is - do you still have feelings for him? If you do, then you can't be friends. Being friends with a person you are unrequitedly in love with just cannot work.

Otherwise, if you both "lost the spark" for each other, I don't see why not.

[IndiReloaded]

If neither of you have feelings for the other, then yes. But why would you want to? There is a difference between being 'friends' and 'friendly'. I'm friendly with my ex and old BFs. But I wouldn't call any of them 'friend'.

[smackie9]

If neither of you have feelings for the other, then yes. But why would you want to? There is a difference between being 'friends' and 'friendly'. I'm friendly with my ex and old BFs. But I wouldn't call any of them 'friend'.

Ya that's like me. I was a friend with one for a couple of years but that's because he was a part of my social circle. Everyone else I broke up with or broke up with me I wanted them out of my life for good.

[Guybrush]

Hooray for everyone who has succeeded with remaining friends with their exes, but to be honest I have always believed in clean cuts if a general advice is needed.

Maintaining a relationship with an ex will make moving on more difficult, both emotionally (because you need to stop thinking about him/her) and practically (because exes are very effective repellants to new prospective partners).

[staticline]

As others have said, I think this will be hard on your mostly. If you still have feelings for him, which I'm sure you most likely do, remaining friends will only draw out the pain of the breakup. You'll have to watch him move on, and unfortunately you might find yourself (friend)dumped again further down the line when he meets someone else, because few women (or indeed men) will tolerate their partner's friendship with a recent ex. If he valued your friendship above his freedom to pursue another relationship, you would still be his girlfriend.

I'm actually lucky enough to be very good friends with an ex boyfriend, but I should think this is probably an exception to the rule. We dated for a couple of years from about 16/17, had a total break from contact and rekindled a friendship years down the line when we both much different people.

[Lisalost]

Thank you all for your responses. You are right, I do still have some romantic feelings for him. It is so hard to lose your boyfriend AND your best friend at the same time, I guess I just don't know where to turn. He was my everything, I could talk to him about anything at all and he never judged me.

I feel so let down and wronged by the breakup. He already had his mind made up the first time we talked about it and I never saw it coming. I feel like I didn't have a chance to work on the things that could have been improved upon. Isn't a relationship supposed to be about working together to continually improve things? I mentioned this to him recently, and he apologized and blamed his complete lack of relationship experience but said that we can't rewind or undo it.

He maintains that he wants to still be friends, but has suggested a period of no contact for maybe 3 or 6 months, to give us time to get over the breakup and move on, and then see what happens. I think he is right, but I am so scared to be so alone, no boyfriend and no best friend. I am trying so hard to get my life in order, and encountering so many obstacles that I just feel hopeless. I am in therapy for my depression now (I hadn't been for some time, I was so happy with him and enjoying life to the fullest each day) but I don't feel like I'm getting anywhere with it.

Any and all advice welcome... how do I get my life sorted out when he was such a big chunk of it? How do I not cry every time I think about the breakup?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Any and all advice welcome... how do I get my life sorted out when he was such a big chunk of it? How do I not cry every time I think about the breakup?

Do you have any personal goals? If so, work on them. If not, think of some, and then work on them. As far as not crying every time you think of the breakup, crying is okay and everyone is different, but at 2 months you need to start moving on. Working on goals will help keep your mind off it, and achieving goals will make you feel much better.

[Lisalost]

My goal is to go back to school and eventually have an occupation that I enjoy, in which I find fulfillment and happiness, that I don't want to roll over and go back to sleep instead. The problem is that I have no clue what field to even consider. My therapist is supposed to be helping me with this, but all she ever wants to do is try and boost my confidence. Damn it, let's get moving!! I am so frustrated. My other goal is to pay off debt, which I am working on by picking up a 2nd job. I just worry that I am spreading myself too thin. I feel like I don't have any friends who care about me and that I'm going to just lose it one day.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You shouldn't put it on your therapist to figure out your career path. You sound like a lazy, codependent person, and this is not the only evidence of that. You're too focused on everyone else. What jobs do you have now? Do you have any idea what kind of job would not make you "roll over and go back to bed"? What are your skills and aptitudes? How old are you? Picking up a second job is a good first step toward your second goal. If you find that you truly are spread too thin, then it's time to prioritize your goals and figure out which would be best to focus on first.

[basilandthyme]

I feel so let down and wronged by the breakup. He already had his mind made up the first time we talked about it and I never saw it coming. I feel like I didn't have a chance to work on the things that could have been improved upon. Isn't a relationship supposed to be about working together to continually improve things?

I'm just throwing this comment in so that you may gain a different perspective on relationships. The most important thing in a relationship isn't working or improvements - it's basic compatibility. If it was CLOSE to meeting his needs, he probably would have said something - but chances are that he couldn't see enough potential to bother trying. And him walking away when he couldn't see a future together was a very wise thing to do.

I hope you don't make the mistake of working on relationships which aren't suiting your own needs in future. It's just a waste of time.