Reuniting with a lost love...

[GFunkAllstar]

I've never posted in a 'relationship forum' before but I'm at a loss with what to do with my situation. Hoping to get some insight or advice...

I met a beautiful, intelligent, nurturing girl and we were madly in love for 10 months before she told me, for family reasons, she had to move back to her home town of Vancouver (I'm in the opposite side of Canada in Toronto). Now normally 10 months isn't too long a time, but I'm 37, with a lot of relationship experience, and can tell you I've never felt like this about anyone, and vice versa. We discussed marriage and family before realizing her move was ahead of us.

We originally decided that I'd move to Vancouver once she was settled, and I'd find work, etc. I've invested 13 years into my career and have climbed to a great position that makes living comfortable. The problem was, that over time I found it very difficult to find a job in my field in Vancouver. A couple months passed and I began to have cold feet. We both decided it was best to split and cut our losses.

Fast forward a few months after that, and she was begging and pleading for me to join her in Vancouver again. I was terrified at the prospect of committing career suicide. We spent most of last summer going back and forth on the potential of me moving to Vancouver, and despite knowing that deep down I loved her, I looked for cracks in our relationship out of fear of losing everything I've built in Toronto.

During all this, we've both dated other people, but have both admitted that we cannot stop comparing these dates to each other. I've gone out with some real knock-outs but I still can't help but compare them to my ex.

Anyways during these Christmas holidays, I did a lot of reflecting on my life and realized that I feel unfulfilled. My job, my home, my material things are merely shallow objects that I hang onto to make myself feel good. For me, starting a family with someone I really love far exceeds all of these things, even if it means starting new.

Now here is my question.... Should I drop my life in Toronto to be with the woman I love? Is it worth the "career suicide" I mentioned? Am I simply experiencing loneliness and some sort of early, "mid life crisis?". I like to think that my age and experience has taught me to be wiser about big, life-altering decisions. My brain tells me to "Stay put. What happens if you give up everything in your life to be with this girl, and it dissolves down the road"?
And yet my heart says.. "Go. Hurry! Be with her!".

I'm in a tough spot here. Thoughts of her have been weighing heavily on me. I would appreciate any input from you all. Thank you and happy new year everyone.

[Fruitsss]

I dont really understand her reason exactly to go back..........?

I agree with u material is not the most important. u can have it anywhere.

But on your question i think u dont know her well for shore.
So u r now just in love like any person that fall in love/
In that periode people wants too do what ever without thinking.

Till those heavy feelings cool down they start regretting it all.etc.

Looking at the distance and the short u know her i would say keep it long distance with
as much as possible meeting each other in person a year.

And see how that go's/
Cause it can be that like people almost always react in the beginning, she is just missing u cause
she need to adjust too the break up.
And maybe after a while u 2 rr not even in love anymore.
Or u or she falls inlove with someone u guys do see everyday in person.

And u cant talk about love and knowing her in months.
Cause love and knowing someone takes years to grow.

[GFunkAllstar]

Thank you for your thoughts. I appreciate it. I should add.... She moved to Vancouver 8 months ago now, and these feelings continue to linger. Sometimes wish I could just get over her.

[Maple1714]

Have you gone to visit her there during these 8 months?

You know, I'm a romantic. I think you should move to be with her. If you love this woman and want to start a family you better get to it bc you're not getting any younger. You have been successful and built a career so far, what makes you think you can't build something even better by moving? I believe if you are intelligent hard worker you can go anywhere and make a good living. You have to take chances in life to move froward...if you love her and want to start a family with this woman then go. Just make sure you have money saved and leave your current job on good terms. You could probably always move back to Toronto no? You will always wonder what if, if you don't make any moves.

[Fruitsss]

If u want to jump into it. make shore u have a job there before going!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont go too sit at home all day long on her lips.

[Maple1714]

It's hard to secure a good job in another city before you actually live there, generally speaking. You should save up at least 6 months or more living expenses and then go....if this is truly want you want to do. You already know what you want to do, you're just scared. Be honest with yourself and then make a decision. Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you if you do it with honest intention.

[HeartIsAching]

How's the overall health of the economy up there? If it's alright, then you should be able to find a good job, even if it's not exactly on the same career path.

Think about this - which is more important to you, your career or her?

Your job isn't who or what you are, it isn't your life - it's what you do to pay for your life. Your partner IMNHSO is much more important.

[GFunkAllstar]

Have you gone to visit her there during these 8 months?
You will always wonder what if, if you don't make any moves.

She came back to Toronto to visit me a few months after she moved. It's now been 5 months since I've laid eyes on her. And yes you're right. I often wonder if this will be my greatest regret in life. Not chasing a dream to play it "safe". I've played it safe my entire life and here I am feeling unfulfilled.

If u want to jump into it. make shore u have a job there before going!!!!!!!!!!!
Dont go too sit at home all day long on her lips.

Like Maple said, it is really difficult to find work in another city! Especially when that city is on the opposite side of the continent. I've tried with no success. If I were willing to take a few steps down the corporate ladder I imagine i'd get work quickly.

You should save up at least 6 months or more living expenses and then go....if this sis truly want you want to do. You already know what up you want to do, your just scared. Be honest with yourself and then make a decision. Whatever you decide, it will be the right thing for you if you do it with honest intention.

My intentions are definitely honest. Living expenses aren't a big issue fortunately. I could stay with her, worry free, until I'm on my feet with a job. Her and her family are more than prepared to take care of me if I went. It's just... for me, letting go of the life I worked so hard to obtain. I also feel guilty not holding up my own in terms of living expenses, etc. It is not my nature to live off someone else.

[GFunkAllstar]

Your job isn't who or what you are, it isn't your life - it's what you do to pay for your life. Your partner IMNHSO is much more important.

THIS really strikes a chord with me. Thank you.

[Maple1714]

Take a risk man!! What type of work do you do? I'm sure you will find a job eventually! Vancouver is a big city...I know it's very expensive tho too.

[Wakeup]

The real estate market in Toronto is booming right now, so you should be able to make a tidy profit from the sale of your home right now if you bought long enough ago for the equity to have built. If that's the case, then you would be able to live on the proceeds of your sale for a good while, while you search for work in your field.

You say she moved back 'for family reasons.' Have you discussed that she and her family move to Toronto instead of you moving to Vancouver?
What does your ex do for a living?
Is there any reason why her moving back with them to Toronto couldn't work?

I like romance too but I'm a little more practicle while looking at this unbiasedly. Your career is important to you for your own furtue and your future family (whether it be with her or a new girl.)

In any event, you need to make a decision and if it's to stay in Toronto, then do the right thing and stop communication with her so that it will give you BOTH a chance to get over one another. if you're not going to relocate to be with her or, she can't/won't move back to Toronto, then there is no point in keeping in contact and stagnating the healing process,

Is there no compromise to be made here?

[GFunkAllstar]

You say she moved back 'for family reasons.' Have you discussed that she and her family move to Toronto instead of you moving to Vancouver? What does your ex do for a living?

Her decision to move was based on a few factors. She was working as a medical consultant here in the Toronto but hated her job. She had previously quit every job she had in this city in fact! Helen (her name) is Korean, and her parents are both retired with the intent to move back to Korea some day soon. This put pressure on Helen to move back close to her parents before they ship off forever. She really missed her parents and brother, and on several occasions I'd have to console her tears (especially on family events like Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc). I understand her reasons for moving back. Essentially, the only thing she had going for her in Toronto was me. She was as hurt as I was when she told me she was moving home, and it wasn't easy for her.

[Wakeup]

OMG... Do not give up everything for someone who left you because she was homesick. Surely she can visit her family regularily until they eventually leave to return to their homeland. Her parents are retired. Does she have a job since moving back? How does she expect to "look after you" until you find work?

What family/friends/associates will you be leaving to be with her until her parents move back? When will they move back?

[GFunkAllstar]

Take a risk man!! What type of work do you do? I'm sure you will find a job eventually! Vancouver is a big city...I know it's very expensive tho too.

I work in Television Broadcasting as a producer for a big show here in Toronto.

I like romance too but I'm a little more practicle while looking at this unbiasedly. Your career is important to you for your own furtue and your future family (whether it be with her or a new girl.)

It's thoughts like this that prevented me from moving there last summer. I'm generally a very analytical, logical thinker. All this "feelings" stuff is new to me. haha But I need to tap into what I'm feeling inside if I am to make myself happy.

In any event, you need to make a decision and if it's to stay in Toronto, then do the right thing and stop communication with her so that it will give you BOTH a chance to get over one another. if you're not going to relocate to be with her or, she can't/won't move back to Toronto, then there is no point in keeping in contact and stagnating the healing process,

Is there no compromise to be made here?

Well that's what I'm trying to figure out. Do I, or Don't I? I agree with you that this time, once the decision's been made... If I decide not to move with her, it's time I cut her completely out of my life. This has dragged on for months and I'm not sure if I could handle the bouts with depression, and attempts to distract myself any more. I'd have to clean the slate before getting on with my life.

[GFunkAllstar]

OMG... Do not give up everything for someone who left you because she was homesick. Surely she can visit her family regularily until they eventually leave to return to their homeland. Her parents are retired. Does she have a job since moving back? How does she expect to "look after you" until you find work?

What family/friends/associates will you be leaving to be with her until her parents move back? When will they move back?

I was trying to avoid saying this, but she doesn't even have to work. She comes from a wealthy family. As for my friends, etc. I do have some very close friends, but as I've gotten older, we find ourselves busy in our lives and don't see eachother as often as we'd like Many are married and starting families themselves. My family lives hours away driving, so I see them every few months. Being separated from them for periods of time doesn't bother me as much, but I've never been super close with them.