Unrequited Love

[Mister Gumby]

Ok here goes.

I'm a 50 year old white male, married, my wife is 56.

About a year ago, I became attracted to a girl at work. She's 30. Initially, the attraction was purely physical. But soon, things changed.

Changes in our jobs brought us closer together. We got to talk about nothing in particular most of the time. As you can imagine, I developed a crush on her. But I never hit on her, maybe some very mild flirting, but never thought she would be interested in me.

At one point, last April, she showed me a funny picture on her phone that a friend had sent her. I asked if she could text it to me, and she did. We started texting each other funny pics and such (ok it was mostly me sending her pics, but she would reply and occasionally send me some too). Eventually we were texting each other in the evenings and on weekends. Still all very innocent, just texting about the weather, commiserating about work, yardwork, housework, etc. I asked her a few times if I was bugging her too much with all the funny pics and stuff. She would always reply with an lol or a smiley and say no, the pics were entertaining, or "It's ok, I'd tell ya ;)".

Then one day at work she seemed depressed, not as vibrant and laughing as she normally was. I couldn't ask her about it right there, since there were others nearby. So I texted her about it a little later, saying essentially "you seem pretty bummed today. Everything ok?" Well, that opened up a whole conversation about how she's suffered from depression most of her life, was clinically diagnosed when she was 15, and, up until the last year and a half, was on medication. We exchanged about 50 texts that evening, the most ever. I tried to be a good listener, just letting her get it all out. It was at that moment I fell in love with her.

As the days went by, she didn't really talk much more about it. I apologized for prying into her personal life, but she said it was ok, that it felt good to talk about it. Yet she didn't talk about it any more.

My love was sealed, though. Nothing she or I could do would change that. Even if she walked up, screamed at me to go away, and kicked me in the balls repeatedly, I would still love her.

After a couple more weeks, she slowly stopped replying to my texts, even the silly frivolous stuff. It became apparent that she regretted revealing her darker moments with me.

I knew she would probably never love me (I forgot to mention, she's married too), I wasn't even sure if she really liked me, or just tolerated my existence. By now it was too late for me. There was no way I could stop loving her. I had never felt this way about anyone before, not even my wife, and I didn't, don't, know how to deal with it.

So, in July, since she was rarely responding to my texts any more, I sent her a long text.

I apologized for barging into her life, and bombarding her with texts. I told her I had "very deep feelings" for her, and because of those feelings I acted like a fool. I didn't say "love", because I didn't want to completely ruin our working relationship. I still wanted to be her friend. So I let her know that I'm always here if she feels like talking, but that I wouldn't text her any more unless she wanted to talk, even about nothing in particular. I told her I wished her, her husband, and her stepdaughter a long and happy life together, hopefully making it clear that I didn't want to cause her any grief in her marriage. I asked that she respond to let me know she received my message, since it was a pretty long text. She did, with no other response.

With that, the pit surrounding my heart grew larger. I was in deep. I realized that I had never been in love before. That I didn't love my wife. I didn't hate her, just didn't love her.

I've shed many tears since that July day.

However, things did turn around somewhat, for a time, anyway. One day about a month later, she said she was going to text me a funny picture, but it was late at night, and she didn't want to bother me. Well, that started a little bit of texting again. But, where I used to text her funny pics every work day, I kept that to (mostly) only Monday and Friday, just to let her know I was thinking about her and to try and put a smile on her face. She rarely replied to any of them. In person, however, she was talkative as always. Even engaging me in conversation when she didn't have to. I was confused. Couldn't figure out why she didn't want to text me any more.

As work got busier, I didn't get to see her as much, sometimes only two or three times a week. But every time she would smile and wave and say hi. Her smile meant, means, the world to me. I only want her to be happy, even if that doesn't involve me.

Today I found out she might be quitting and getting a job elsewhere. If that happens, I'll probably never see her again. I've gone over this scenario in my mind many times. What will I say to her on that last day? Will I be able to tell her I love her? Should I?

The gaping hole in my heart is growing. I really don't know what to do.

Thanks for listening to this silly old man.

[basilandthyme]

Mister Gumby, you're only a couple of years older than me...so I don't think you're an old man. Silly perhaps, but not old ;-)

To be perfectly honest, I think you're risking making a fool of yourself if you confess your love. There's no point in confessing love if it's not mutual. And you have no business confessing love if you're still with your wife.

Making a decision about the future of your marriage is your #1 priority at this point. After that, the answers will become more obvious.

[Mister Gumby]

Thanks BasilandThyme.

Making a fool of myself is what I do best

Perhaps if this girl leaves for another job, I can begin to try and rehabilitate my marriage, though I fear that won't happen. That won't be because of the girl I'll always love, the situation had deteriorated well before that. Right now we're more like roommates who kiss each other. But I don't know if I can just throw it away.

[DerekDrake]

Sir,

Don't you think the decision of her going away is for a good cause? It's very thoughtful when you decided to send her that long text but you gotta mean it. You might put her family and yours at risk by telling her you love her. She had shown you what it feels like to be in love. You have to think about hers.

[Mister Gumby]

Sir,

Don't you think the decision of her going away is for a good cause? It's very thoughtful when you decided to send her that long text but you gotta mean it. You might put her family and yours at risk by telling her you love her. She had shown you what it feels like to be in love. You have to think about hers.

Yes, Derek, she needs to do what's best for her, not for me. I never denied that. But there's no way I would WANT her to leave, there's also no way I would try to prevent it either. I'm pretty sure she knows I love her, "very deep feelings" can't mean much else. I suspect that's why she stopped texting me, yet remains friendly in person, that's just her personality. I never expected her to love me, I just hoped, knowing it would never happen.

I've never felt this way about any woman before, and I doubt I will again. I hope you can understand why I would not want her to leave my life, and I can understand why she has to. But I don't have to like it.

[Wakeup]

How does one "love" someone they've never spent any meaningful amount of time with? Love is a verb. What loving actions has she shown you that makes you think you love her?

Infatuation is what you're in deep about. Once she's out of your field of vision and you stop texting her, your infatuation for her will dwindle until you're total free of the limerence you feel.

I think you should avoid anymore texting and conversations outside of work. Put the energy you've been putting into being infatuated with the married woman from work back into your own marriage. You'll be glad you did that rather than confessing (possibly) unwanted feelings to your crush.

[IndiReloaded]

Hi Derek - You've got a decade on me, but I've been around this block before. I have a lot of sympathy for your situation.

Consider the feelings you have for this other woman are really a sign of the emotional connection you are missing with your wife. You had it once, you can get it back if you want.

Speak to your wife. Tell her you miss your old connection. Tell her of your lonliness. Ask her if there are things you could be doing to make you two feel close again. Then listen to her. Also, don't expect immediate change, it takes a while for new patterns to establish.

Best,
- Indi

[Guybrush]

Derek, I can relate to your situation more than I am prepared to admit at the moment...

Let's just say that IndieReloaded and WakeUp's advice is something that I recomment you should read and consider. I suspect that your are more infatuated than in love with your coworker, and that what you crave is that rush that being in love gives you. If you succeed at channeling some of that towards your wife, then something good will actually come out of this. Going any further towards your coworker will probably only lead to embarassement and frustration.

I'm not proud of the element of emotional infidelity involved, but somehow it worked out for me. Please give it a try!

[Mister Gumby]

How does one "love" someone they've never spent any meaningful amount of time with? Love is a verb. What loving actions has she shown you that makes you think you love her?

Infatuation is what you're in deep about. Once she's out of your field of vision and you stop texting her, your infatuation for her will dwindle until you're total free of the limerence you feel.

I think you should avoid anymore texting and conversations outside of work. Put the energy you've been putting into being infatuated with the married woman from work back into your own marriage. You'll be glad you did that rather than confessing (possibly) unwanted feelings to your crush.

Thanks for the reply.

You may be right, but I don't think this is simply infatuation or a crush. Certainly it started out that way, but has gone WAY beyond that. The feeling may fade, but I fear it will take years, if at all. Again, I've never felt this way before, in my 50 years of life, not even with high school crushes/infatuations. This is different.

I can't explain why I've fallen in love with her much more than I have already.

As for my marriage, my wife seems more interested in being my mother than my wife. Since my mother died over 20 years ago, that's a non-starter.

[Mister Gumby]

Hi Derek - You've got a decade on me, but I've been around this block before. I have a lot of sympathy for your situation.

Consider the feelings you have for this other woman are really a sign of the emotional connection you are missing with your wife. You had it once, you can get it back if you want.

Speak to your wife. Tell her you miss your old connection. Tell her of your lonliness. Ask her if there are things you could be doing to make you two feel close again. Then listen to her. Also, don't expect immediate change, it takes a while for new patterns to establish.

Best,
- Indi

I'm guessing you meant this for me, not for Derek?

I never had this connection with my wife. I was never in the place where I felt I couldn't be without her, not like this woman at work.

I will take the advice not to tell the girl at work that I love her.

[Mister Gumby]

Derek, I can relate to your situation more than I am prepared to admit at the moment...

Let's just say that IndieReloaded and WakeUp's advice is something that I recomment you should read and consider. I suspect that your are more infatuated than in love with your coworker, and that what you crave is that rush that being in love gives you. If you succeed at channeling some of that towards your wife, then something good will actually come out of this. Going any further towards your coworker will probably only lead to embarassement and frustration.

I'm not proud of the element of emotional infidelity involved, but somehow it worked out for me. Please give it a try!

Thanks Guybrush, guessing this was meant for me, not Derek.

Again I don't think it's infatuation, I've been there before a couple times. This is different.

I will endeavor not to make a fool of myself or to make her uncomfortable. I'll try to take the high road. In the meantime, I'll continue to be an emotional wreck, lol.

[CoolStoryBro]

Who the **** is Derek then?

[Mister Gumby]

Who the **** is Derek then?

Comment #4

[Guybrush]

Sorry, was a bit quick there

[KingZ]

Well, that opened up a whole conversation about how she's suffered from depression most of her life, was clinically diagnosed when she was 15, and, up until the last year and a half, was on medication. [...] It was at that moment I fell in love with her.

This made me cringe. White Knight Syndrome if I've ever seen it.

You sound like a tipsy romantic; what you really need is a swift kick in the ass.