After 3 weeks of "No Contact", my ex emailed me today... Advice?

[emma85]

Just out of interest how old are you, and have you been through this before? Its my first time experienceing this with a break up which is why I think I'm struggling

[love&otherdrugs]

Just out of interest how old are you, and have you been through this before? Its my first time experienceing this with a break up which is why I think I'm struggling

I'm soon-to-be 22. He's 26. This is the first time I've gone through this. Before him, my last relationship was about 7 months long, and he cheated on me/left me for an older woman. That was easy to stop contacting him, because I was pissed.

However, in THIS relationship, we were together for over a year (a little over 13 months), and he kept wanting to "be friends" after the breakup. I'm the one who finally told him my heart couldn't handle just being his friend. I'm the one who has blocked him on every given social networking site. Yet he's the one who's seemingly moved on and enjoying his life, while I'm sitting here miserable, overanalyzing everything.

[emma85]

I can so relate. Lierally everything you have just said is what has happened to me

During the relationship it was always him that seemed to be really in to me. But as soon as I removed him from my life its as if it didn't affect him at all.

I think a lot of it is to do with ego, I thought he loved me more and that he would fight for it but he moved on

[emma85]

How was he towards you in your relationship?

[searock]

He was OK with being "friends" with you after the break up because he wasn't in love with you... it wasn't the same for you: you still had feelings for him, which is why it was so painful to keep in contact and why you finally told him it was best to go no contact. You both still love each other, but you are in love with him and he isn't with you. So even though he wants to keep you in his life, he doesn't want you as his life partner... this can't work, and going no contact was definitely the right decision.

I had a feeling you would reply after all. You still have hopes of him coming back to you, and by contacting you even in neutral, "normal" ways, he is unknowingly feeding that hope.

I think you should send him one last e-mail, telling him that you'd rather he didn't contact you ever again, if not to possibly work things out between you as a couple. It will make you feel more in control.

You need to accept the fact that he will not come back to you. You can't do it as long as he's still in your life, even if only as a casual message from time to time.

[emma85]

Searock, can you please give me some advice?

[Guybrush]

I would love for us to grow individually, separately, work out our own issues, and then reconnect and get back together in the long run.

Really?? I'm sorry but this sounds naive. Why did you break up in the first place?

[love&otherdrugs]

I can so relate. Lierally everything you have just said is what has happened to me

During the relationship it was always him that seemed to be really in to me. But as soon as I removed him from my life its as if it didn't affect him at all.

I think a lot of it is to do with ego, I thought he loved me more and that he would fight for it but he moved on

I know what you mean. I fought for the relationship the week after he ended things, because he was crying as he ended it, and kept saying how amazing I was and what a great girlfriend I was. I assumed he was just scared to try long distance, and scared of how close/serious we were becoming to be considering working out long distance for 1.5 years.

BUT, when he wouldn't budge as I tried to communicate and work out a compromise, I finally gave up. I don't want to have to beg someone to be with me. They should WANT to be there.

How was he towards you in your relationship?

He was seemingly interested. He took me to two separate friends' weddings as his date (one when we first started dating, one in the middle of our relationship), always wanted me to meet his friends, asked me to fly to Michigan with him to meet his family in the end of August, flew with me to meet my family in California in the beginning of August.

The ONLY fault I could find in our relationship as far as his actions was the fact that I drove to his place (about 40 mins away) more often than he drove to mine, but I attributed that to the fact that he lived in the big city, while i lived in a small college town (there was much more to do in his area, and many more friends there). Also, he wouldn't make grand efforts to do activities that he wanted to do if he, himself wasn't interested in doing them. IE: I had wanted to go ice skating with him since we met, but he NEVER in over a year made it happen, though I'd suggest it and even try to find coupons.

[love&otherdrugs]

Really?? I'm sorry but this sounds naive. Why did you break up in the first place?

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to sound naive. In the large picture, we broke up because I'm still finishing my bachelor degree, and after visiting my advisor, I found out that because of prerequisites, I have 2 more years left in order to complete my degree, though I'll only be taking 2-3 courses each semester. I assumed that I would've been able to have kept a 15-18 credit load each semester and be done with my degree in 1 year or less.

THIS added with his wanting to move to Colorado. He's already been looking into transferring jobs, and has a few friends who live out there. He's tired of Texas, and has been wanting to move for some time now. He thought he could wait for possibly 1 year, or move in a half a year and do long distance for a few months before I could join him, but he says he "knows" he can't do 2 years of long distance.

However, when we spoke after the breakup (the above being the reason he gave me over our initial breakup), he admitted to falling out of love with me and wanting the freedom to be single and do what he wants to do without the responsibility of having to answer to a partner.

BUT, just a few weeks before that, we celebrated his birthday, and he thanked me and told me how much he loved me and appreciated me for everything. Just a couple weeks before that we celebrated our anniversary, where gave me a hand-written letter telling me how much he loves me and is so glad I came into his life, and that he's happy we work so well together.

How does someone flip so abruptly? What I meant by growing individually is that he obviously has some commitment issues to work out (both in a relationship and in constantly wanting to move and "needing" change of scenery in his life), and I need to focus on my education and career and building a life for myself.

But who's to say we wouldn't work out better down the road when we've ironed out those kinks, you know? I would NEVER say this about any of my other exes, because they either cheated on me or lied to me over and over again. But really, the only fault he has against him in the breakup is being confusing and falling out of love. He even said when breaking up with me, "Maybe when you're done with college 1.5 years from now we can reconnect and see where it goes from there."

Now, I'm making sure I don't hold on to this fictitious hope, because it's just that: fictional. I know life is long and crazy, and things/people change.

[IndiReloaded]

Time to move on. If he wanted it to work, he would try harder.

[love&otherdrugs]

Time to move on. If he wanted it to work, he would try harder.

Yeah it's as if he's giving it even less than a half-assed effort. Today I started to feel like the email he sent me literally was a small way to make himself feel better for everything that has happened. Maybe my response gave that to him, who knows. But if he wanted to be with me, he wouldn't have settled for a lame email. I need to move on. I'm back at square one, but I'm determined to make it through this time. It's not worth it to myself to sit here wallowing and hoping over a guy who doesn't feel half as much love as I do in the relationship. I deserve better.

[vashti]

Man, I wish I read this all before this morning. I had nightmares last night about this whole ordeal. MULTIPLE nightmares, where I woke up sweaty and out of breath. I had typed a drafted email reply, but promised myself not to send it last night until I could sleep on it.

I dreamt of so many different scenarios and situations, it was downright exhausting. So, I woke up this morning, confused and unsure, and read a few texts from my friend, then sent the email.

I messed up :-( I felt OK for about an hour after, and then I started to realize why everyone was saying this would bring me right back to square one with the breakup. I started refreshing my email, wondering if he'd respond. I realized I broke the "no contact" rule, and that pissed me off even more. I broke my no contact not only by emailing him, but then by seeing if he posted any new photos to Instagram between when I sent the email and now (he did), and that enraged me... the fact that he didn't respond or want to continue to talk through email... I guess subconsciously a part of me had that same hope that searock was mentioning of your boyfriend's ex: I kind of hoped that he wanted to talk.

I didn't even REALIZE I hoped this until now. My email was so bland and short. I simply said:

Hey J***,

My stepmom is slowly but surely on the road to recovery, thank you.

Merry Christmas to you, too. I hope you enjoy your time with family/friends in Michigan.

S***

I didn't ask him not to contact me, and I didn't ignore him. For some reason I got it in my brain that answering his email in a short, non-emotional response was the way to go... after ALL the advice I've been given! What is wrong with me?

So now, I sit here wondering what the heck to do. I literally am reverted back to step one. I want to call him, I want to text him and thank him for the email but explain why we can't talk unless it's to work things out. I want to tell him he's not obligated to contact me on every special occasion. I even want to talk to him just about his travels to Michigan and his life in the past month.

:-( I don't know why I didn't listen. I don't know why I did what I did, but I KNOW I messed up, and I don't know how to fix it. Dammit.

Try not to beat yourself up. At least you didn't say anything that would harm your dignity.

[searock]

He does love and care for you, but he isn't in love with you. He wishes he could keep you in his life so as not to go through the pain of erasing you from it, but he wants a type of relationship (a "distant-friendly" one) that is completely different from the one you want (a loving-couple one). This is why any type of contact with him will only bring you pain, and it cannot work.

If you are 100% sure that you will be strong enough to not reply the next time he contacts you with small talk (because he will, you basically told him it's OK to chit-chat every now and then, by replying to him this time), then OK, just set your mind to it and start forgetting about him. If you doubt you'll be able to do that even just a bit... send him that e-mail, tell him to not contact you anymore. It will make you feel strong and in control, and it will be a deterrent for every time you will be tempted to contact him, because you would hurt your own dignity if you did after telling him to not contact you.

[love&otherdrugs]

He does love and care for you, but he isn't in love with you. He wishes he could keep you in his life so as not to go through the pain of erasing you from it, but he wants a type of relationship (a "distant-friendly" one) that is completely different from the one you want (a loving-couple one). This is why any type of contact with him will only bring you pain, and it cannot work.

If you are 100% sure that you will be strong enough to not reply the next time he contacts you with small talk (because he will, you basically told him it's OK to chit-chat every now and then, by replying to him this time), then OK, just set your mind to it and start forgetting about him. If you doubt you'll be able to do that even just a bit... send him that e-mail, tell him to not contact you anymore. It will make you feel strong and in control, and it will be a deterrent for every time you will be tempted to contact him, because you would hurt your own dignity if you did after telling him to not contact you.

Being that I still check my email partially hoping he's responded or emailed me again, I don't think I'm strong enough. What exactly do I say, though? I don't want to be mean, and I also don't want to seem out there since it's been over a day since my response.

Would something like "It was kind of you to email me in order to wish me a Merry Christmas, but I need to ask that you not contact me anymore, unless it's to work things out between us."

^^ Would that work? Or do I need to explain why?

[vashti]

JUST STOP CONTACTING HIM.

You already said you were sorry you did it; you aren't going to feel any better by doing it again.

Just.

Stop.