Breaking Bad Habits: Stalking Your Ex on Social Networking Sites

[love&otherdrugs]

I've heard it said that it takes 21 days to break a habit/compulsive pattern. I did some research and found ways to reverse negative patterns, and one of the biggest was to remind yourself of a list of words/ideas/phrases that go against the bad action you are about to perform. By memorizing and repeating this list over and over before you do the bad action, the idea is to mentally dissuade yourself from doing it in the end.

I haven't spoken with my ex in 3 weeks, but I have a bad tendency to "cyber-stalk" him... which is pretty ridiculous given that I'M the one who went out of my way to delete/block him in order to have time to heal, not the other way around. But, I digress. It's a problem, and I KNOW I need to consciously try to stop. So, as of 12PM (noon) tomorrow, I will have completed my "first day" of my "breaking bad" detox.

Please feel free to share advice, experiences, or things to add to my detox list! Any advice is welcome :-)

Breaking Bad Detox List: DON'T CHECK UP ON HIM
1. NOTHING he tweets, posts, or takes a picture of will bring you closure or satisfaction.
2. Whatever he does post, tweet, or take a picture of will only bring you anger and/or sadness in one way or another.
3. He is moving on and not thinking twice about you, therefore you should proceed in the same manner.
4. AKA, he does not deserve your attention/extended thoughts.
5. Staying connected to him through social networking sites is still staying attached to him. Without cutting the chord and having a clean break, you'll never move on completely, and you'll never start healing.
6. Staying connected by allowing yourself to experience negative emotions through his postings is purposely giving yourself misery in order to feel attached.
7. What's in the past is in the past. Forget the past, live in the present, and don't worry about the future.
8. No contact means NO CONTACT, completely. This includes any contact he has with the public on social media.

[love&otherdrugs]

Ok, I'm completed with day 1!

20 more days to go. (Well, I really hope to not check up on him AT ALL, but I mean 20 more days of making a conscious effort to stop.) Ah, that seems like such a long time!

What do some of you do when you're tempted to check up on your ex or contact them? I've tried to go cold turkey and shut my laptop or go do something, but lately it's hard, as I am at home with my family for the holidays, meaning that I don't have a car to use, and am working on my laptop from home, so I can't shut it :-(

I'm feeling a bit weaker today in my persistence to not check up on him. I think mainly because I know that he is flying to Chicago today and will be posting random tidbits and pictures of his trip while he's in Chicago and Michigan for the holidays. My "weak" part of my brain wants to know how he's doing and if he's having a good time, but the other part of me is trying my best to fight it and realize that if he honestly hasn't tried to contact me thus far to see how I'm doing or simply catch up about me and my family's situation (my stepmom is in recovery after a stroke), then it really doesn't matter what he's doing or saying, because he blatantly doesn't care for me.

Is that harsh to think that?

[Wakeup]

Ok, I'm completed with day 1!

20 more days to go. (Well, I really hope to not check up on him AT ALL, but I mean 20 more days of making a conscious effort to stop.) Ah, that seems like such a long time!

Like any addiction rehab/recovery process, LOD.. Just take it one day at a time. You can do this and stop focusing so much on you NOT contacting for x number of days. This is a lifestyle now so just let it be a lifestyle and not a means to an end.

Be strong

What do some of you do when you're tempted to check up on your ex or contact them? I've tried to go cold turkey and shut my laptop or go do something, but lately it's hard, as I am at home with my family for the holidays, meaning that I don't have a car to use, and am working on my laptop from home, so I can't shut it :-(

Do the mental exercises you've stated in post No. 1 while you go for a walk around the block or something.

I'm feeling a bit weaker today in my persistence to not check up on him. I think mainly because I know that he is flying to Chicago today and will be posting random tidbits and pictures of his trip while he's in Chicago and Michigan for the holidays. My "weak" part of my brain wants to know how he's doing and if he's having a good time, but the other part of me is trying my best to fight it and realize that if he honestly hasn't tried to contact me thus far to see how I'm doing or simply catch up about me and my family's situation (my stepmom is in recovery after a stroke), then it really doesn't matter what he's doing or saying, because he blatantly doesn't care for me.

You'd do well to block and delete him.. out of sight, out of mind ~ eventually.

You're still hoping he contacts you so you're leaving everything open. That's okay, it's human nature to hope that he reaches out to you.. that's your ego wanting to be stroked. Once you accept that you really don't want to hear from him anymore because this relationship would never have worked, you'll get the inner strength to block and delete.

[love&otherdrugs]

You know what's so weird? Just after I posted that last reply, he emailed me. Go figure.
His email:

Subject: Hi

Hey S***,

I just wanted to say happy holidays and I hope you're doing we'll. Your stepmom has my prayers, I hope she's okay.

Don't feel obligated to respond to this. I hope this doesn't upset you but I just wanted to wish you a merry Christmas. Take care of yourself.

J****

Ugh! Well, I guess my "ego was stroked," like you said. I haven't responded, and I'm still trying to keep myself from checking on his stuff today, as now my curiosity is peaked.

Your advice has helped me a lot, thank you so much!

[Axis]

If you still have him on facebook then better to DELETE him! Im having the same problem as you, I dont have him on my facebook anymore now and I feel fine

[CoolStoryBro]

In the old days when you wanted to stalk a bird, you actually had to get off your ass and get a decent set of binoculars. The internet took all the fun out of stalking. It's a lost art.

[love&otherdrugs]

I feel weak today. I caved for a millisecond :-/ I was going great during day 2, and then I received that email from him, and my mind started spinning and overanalyzing things, and I checked one of his networking sites. DARN IT! Ugh. I feel like I'm NEVER going to get passed 21 days at this rate :-( BLAH.

[Wakeup]

yet another good reason to hurry up and get the gurl ballzzz to delete him and block so you don't cave.

[love&otherdrugs]

yet another good reason to hurry up and get the gurl ballzzz to delete him and block so you don't cave.

I deleted him... I just found ways around it. Mainly, his profile is public on any given site, so if i just type in his URL or username without being logged into my account, I can see it. I had "gurl ballz" ALL yesterday and today, but man that email hit me harder than I thought! Funny how the written word can make you flop over, isn't it? Normally I hate and don't care for email.

[Wakeup]

Yes it is. It brings emotions flooding back. That's why No Contact is the easiest way to get to the true stage of indifference. I think it's fairly common place to creep an ex for a while after a breakup. You know it's not helping you to get over him so you'll give it up soon enough. Most smokers fall off the wagon a couple of times before they realize that they can't keep having a drag off a cigarette if they actually want to quit smoking.

[5Gone]

Great advice. And I'd add that if your ex has kids, don't be checking their social media feeds either. It's just another knife in the heart.

[5Gone]

..... he blatantly doesn't care for me.

Is that harsh to think that?

Yes it is, a bit. He probably does care, but sometimes caring means making no contact because it is the kinder thing to do. It is the caring thing to do.

[love&otherdrugs]

Great advice. And I'd add that if your ex has kids, don't be checking their social media feeds either. It's just another knife in the heart.

He doesn't have kids, but I did make sure to block his brother (who he was always attached at the hip to, it was like I was dating the both of them at times haha), and deleted his coworkers/coworkers' wives off from my friends list to try and ease the temptation. I didn't realize at first how even seeing something from one of them could give my stomach a flop.

[love&otherdrugs]

Yes it is, a bit. He probably does care, but sometimes caring means making no contact because it is the kinder thing to do. It is the caring thing to do.

You're right. I go back and forth with feeling angry and loving toward him, and I wrote that out of anger and frustration (better on here than directly to him, right?), but I know deep down that he does care. I don't think he faked his tears and the year+ time we had together. I believe he was genuine, but feelings changed, situations changed.

We haven't talked since that email, and although it racks my brain from time to time, I'm starting to be more "Ok" with it. Not talking means I won't have the opportunity to say something I'll regret or hurt more from the situation, but instead allow myself the opportunity to heal.

[smackie9]

I'm so glad when I was dating there was no such technology. He was gone, he was gone...nothing to look at...life was so much easier then. I feel sorry for you kids.