Is my ex still in love with me?

[JadeFox]

Hello everybody, I was hoping that you could give me some good advice concerning a rather tentative matter I’m very confused about. You see, I have a slight suspicion that my ex still has feelings for me, and I’m quite confused about what to do about it. It is a rather long story, but I hope you will sacrifice a few minutes and give me your honest opinion.

From the beginning – we were not in a relationship for very long, we had been in love with each other for quite a while, but our time together only lasted about four months and then we agreed upon ending it all without any particular reason. Or – that being said – I had my reasons and I suppose he had his as well but he has been ever so reluctant to talk to me about that time and as of today he claims that he doesn’t even remember why he wanted to end it.

We remained friends after the break-up, we were rather young, it hadn’t been that serious and we were the best of friends before with a lot of things in common so we wanted to preserve what was left. I have never told him this, but even today, many years after, I cannot help but think that we missed out on a once in a lifetime opportunity, even though we have both moved on and I have had several other boyfriends since, (I also have one at present whom I would never dream of leaving!) I really think we would have been a great couple if we had been older and less immature. I have accepted that I find him attractive, I cannot change that, but I have kept his friendship because I really enjoy his company as a friend and I would never dream of hurting my boyfriend so I actually torture myself a little bit in secret but I think it is worth it.

The problem started to get a bit confusing after we began studying at the same place this summer. Whenever he sees me he walks over to me and begins a conversation but he seems terribly shy and I just blabber like hell to avoid any awkward silence. He has done this several times and it is sort of weird, because I’m primarily the one who is doing all the talking while he is just standing there without any intention of leaving. We then attended a party together a few weeks ago and we had a really good time, we laughed and talked about funny memories (not related to any romantic themes) and then out of a sudden he tells me that he has found a new girlfriend which was quite shocking since it was the first time he has talked to me about something like that since before we ever became lovers.

Apparently, they have been dating for quite some time but are reluctant to tell people about it, they don’t want to go public and I cannot understand why, but hey – I guess some people are like that. The funny thing is that I have never heard of him having another girl since our break-up even though we share a lot of the same friends, so it was also a little surprising for all of us to learn that he was actually serious about someone again. He was very reluctant to talk about her, but I found out from my sister (yes, I was a bit curious), that we share the same name, the same interests – in fact there are a lot of striking similarities, let’s just leave it at that! This being what it is – and I swear – even though I find him attractive and such, I did not become jealous, I was actually sort of relieved in a way.

To make things even weirder, HE started to act a little jealous that particular night. We were watching a movie and I pointed out that a certain male character was rather good looking and then he started mentioning a lot of female actresses who were “to die for” to quote his exact words. He has never said anything like that before! And at some point I was alone with him and another male friend and I made a rather cruel joke concerning the other friend and I hugged him as an apology. My ex hurried out of the room and when we got back into the living room I began a conversation with him. Then he actually cuddled himself up against one of my best friends – a girl he has always said that he finds very unattractive because of her audacious behavior! She was quite shocked, actually, because she is recovering from a harsh break-up and even though she attempted to push him away he kept on leaning up against her very intimately. He has done this before, he has touched some of my close, female friends – I am the only one he never touches – by playing with their hair or stroking them briefly, and perhaps he just doesn’t know the boundaries of a person’s private sphere, but I thought he went a liiiitle overboard with it this time, especially when you put into consideration that he had just told us about his new girlfriend?!

As if that wasn’t enough he then became very rude towards the friend I had hugged in the other room (this friend has a thing for me, it is quite obvious, but everybody knows I have turned him down like a million times) and he even glared at him with a very vicious look the rest of the evening. When we hugged goodbye (we always hug each other in our group of friends) he felt very reserved and I felt sad about it, as if something had drastically changed between us that night even though I thought it was going so well.

My question to you guys is, do you think he has feelings for me? If you do, do you think they are strong feelings or perhaps just a mutual attraction we both share? Or, do you think I’m reading this all wrong and putting the wrong idea into it. I have to be honest, I usually think that I’m quite good at reading people, but he makes me very confused I really don’t know how to feel about this.

[Wakeup]

I'm not sure where you're seeing that he has feelings for you other than friendship. He's doing and acting like he always has, as you said.. he always hugs you goodbye and forgets to respect other peoples personal space. Just based on what you've revealed, I don't see anything that would indicate that his platonic feelings for you have changed or that he'd want to get back with you.

Anyway.. you're ex has a new girlfriend and you, have a new boyfriend who you wouldn't "leave for the world" so all this speculation is moot so why even wonder about the ex and what he is currently "feeling?"

[basilandthyme]

I agree with Wakeup. If you wouldn't leave your boyfriend, why does it matter how your ex feels? Taking it further, if you found out that he does have a thing for you, what would this knowledge achieve?

Lastly, I think this is all a bit disrespectful to your boyfriend. Imagine how you'd feel if he was harbouring some secret feelings for an ex. I think a bit of self examination is in order.

[JadeFox]

Thank you for your honesty. I disagree about the "acting like he always has" part though, I thought his behavior was rather capricious and abnormal at certain times and there was absolutely no reason for him to act dejected and rude towards my other friend but I guess that didn’t come across as clearly as I had hoped to show you guys.

It could be that I'm just making these signs up, hoping that I'm not the only one who suffers a little. And yes, you caught me as to why I should speculate about it, if I didn't care I wouldn't want to find out now would I. So, I guess I care, but it is not as you might think, I was quite serious about the part where I stated that I do not wish to hurt or leave my current boyfriend, he means a hell of a lot to me.

But no matter who I'm with there will always be something about this damn ex, it would surprise me if I'm the only one in the world who has felt this, and it is not because I want to get back together with him, I got burned and I try to never repeat past mistakes, but it is what it is. I thought that I was the only one to feel this sort of attraction and I have felt terribly embarrassed about it for a long time until I accepted that I cannot change that, and I had to make a choice – keep him as a friend and learn how to deal with it or throw him in the garbage can. I chose the friendship.

Depending on what he feels I would know how to respond, that is why it is important to me. If he only sees me as a friend, I will have to stop pretending to see signs that aren’t there and just accept that he behaves a little weird at times without reason. If he feels mutually attracted to me, then I would know that I am not alone when it comes to that, and then I would be able to make sense of some of his behavior but still be able to just move past it as well. On the other hand, should he have stronger feelings for me, I would have to rethink this friendship and decide whether a friendship with him is just too “dangerous” and comes at a too high cost.

I can understand why it seems irrelevant to you but it really matters to me and I thank you for taking the time to read this "almost-a-script-for-a-soap-opera" and the time to give me an honest answer

[Boisdevie]

I have a few exes. I really don't give a stuff if they still have feelings for me because IT'S THE PAST. Get over it. But you're not over it are you? Stop obsessing and get a grip.

[JadeFox]

Are you friends with your exes Boisdevie? Do you see them on a regular basis? If you happened to be friends with an ex who is a part of your social life and still means something to you in a different way, perhaps that would influence your statement. The problem is not the fact that he is an EX, he just happens to be that, it could have been just a friend. Yes, I find him attractive, and immoral as that might be, that happens in life, you do not control that and people who claim that they only feel such emotions towards their current lovers are lying big time. All I wanted was an objective perspective on the matter but as soon as you type in the word "ex" it seems that people immediately take a negative stance towards the subject. :/ Interesting actually...

[Wakeup]

I thought that I was the only one to feel this sort of attraction and I have felt terribly embarrassed about it for a long time until I accepted that I cannot change that, and I had to make a choice – keep him as a friend and learn how to deal with it or throw him in the garbage can. I chose the friendship.

and people who claim that they only feel such emotions towards their current lovers are lying big time.

... and this right here ^^^ is yet another example why I say that nothing ever good comes out of a partner who still is active "friends" with their ex.

I caution other posters who keep past lovers around as platonic friends, Jade. Just for the very reason you state. Its not fair to the next partner when their gf/bf has unresolved romantic feelings floating around in their head for another. You're only half in the new relationship when that's going on and you're cheating the both of you out of being with someone who is all in to you and you to them in an emotional sense.

You sound like you have a grip on the situation but you're hardly over your ex. If you were, you wouldn't care about what he was or wasn't feeling for You...You would simply think it was his problem to deal with and keep yourself neutral to his shinanigans.

Question: Where was your new boyfriend when all this was going on at this party and during you watching this movie where you think he got jealous that you liked a certain character?

[JadeFox]

He was at a friend's place, he dislikes parties in general and I respect that. I can understand your reasoning when it comes to keeping an ex for a friend, nothing good has actually come out of this. It took a long time and a lot of strength before we were able to speak to each other in a neutral way and it will never be the same again anyway. I haven't kept any other exes in my life because it is absolutely no picnic transforming love into friendship, it is extremely hard work. That is why it would grieve me quite a bit if all of that should go to waste.

About the attraction part, I think you misunderstood me a little. It is not because he is an ex that I find him attractive, he just appeals to me on every level, and that should have been reason enough for me to deny a friendship with him those many years ago, but at that time I didn't really think about the consequences it would have when I would eventually find a new boyfriend. Everyone meets attractive people once in a while, it must have happened to you too, and sometimes you happen to meet them when you are involved with someone else, which does not mean that you want to throw your love, life and future away by cheating on your current lover either physically or mentally.

This person just happens to be a very old friend who has also been an ex-lover when we were very young teenagers. I think he is good looking and I like his personality, but I could say the same for Brad Pitt or Michael Fassbender for that matter.

The point of all this havoc and aggravation is just that I don't want to lose a friend, but I don't want to continue an unhealthy friendship either. At this point I just cannot figure out if it is so unhealthy that it will have to be put to sleep or if it can prevail. I mean, I have suffered and I have dealt with it, but if he is just getting started with all the suffering.. It might not be worth it, despite of all the effort. That is why I wanted some guidance. I just think there is a lot of prejudice hidden within people's hearts when it comes to the infamous "exes", everybody who has answered this thread immediately thought, "girl, you are obviously not over him", but this is actually about the fear of losing a friend who happened to be an ex, and I felt I had to emphasize the ex-part to illustrate the hard work that we have had to put into this friendship in order for it to function, but it obviously didn't come across the way I wanted it to, and I apologize for that.

[Wakeup]

But no matter who I'm with there will always be something about this damn ex,

There's another indication to add to the other two quotes in my previous post. I don't believe we're "predjudice" about exes and keeping them as friends.. I think we immediately thought you were'nt over him because of what you've said. You can obviously articulate quite well, jade but nevermind all that. This is your life so I suggest you stop stressing about HIM and just keep your own nose clean while you enjoy your current relationship. If he's not over you then that is his cross to bear and his decision to make as to whether or not he should keep You as a friend.

[Guybrush]

Honestly, do you want him to be over you? Or do you (perhaps subconsciously) wish you had both your current and your ex-boyfriend's affection? I mean, affection is flattering after all.

I am not making any accusations, I just think it is relevant in order to understand your concern.

[JadeFox]

You are absolutely right Wakeup, it is just so hard for me to stand by and do nothing, I want to make everything right for everybody, but I just end up disappointing myself instead....

[JadeFox]

Thank you for not accusing me of anything, Guybrush. I agree with you that it can be flattering to receive attention from more than one attractive person at a time, but why would you want that kind of ambivalent, precarious attention when you are seriously involved with someone? (Unless they neglect you, of course). I guess my answer to your question is no, that is rather unlikely, even on a subconscious level. However, it did hurt my pride quite a lot when I first realised just how attracted I am to him. You really shouldn’t be friends with someone like that, it always ends badly, but I became stubborn and it wanted it to function and I wanted to overcome it. Maybe I still find it sort of degrading, on an unconscious level, that I cannot overcome such primitive emotions? Maybe it would have been easier for me to accept it if someone else felt the same way and was going through the same... :/ I don't know...

[Wakeup]

You are absolutely right Wakeup, it is just so hard for me to stand by and do nothing, I want to make everything right for everybody, but I just end up disappointing myself instead....

Well, I'm not quite clear on what you're trying to "make right" for everyone. "Stand by and do nothing" about what? How are you "disappointing yourself?"

[Guybrush]

However, it did hurt my pride quite a lot when I first realised just how attracted I am to him. You really shouldn’t be friends with someone like that, it always ends badly, but I became stubborn and it wanted it to function and I wanted to overcome it. Maybe I still find it sort of degrading, on an unconscious level, that I cannot overcome such primitive emotions? Maybe it would have been easier for me to accept it if someone else felt the same way and was going through the same... :/ I don't know...

I think you just resolved your own problem. And yes, many people have felt the same way. To be honest, I have always been in favour of clean cuts when it comes to ex's. Maintaining a relationship with your ex will be challenging for everyone involved.

[IndiReloaded]

Your ex's feelings are his responsibility. You don't owe him anything. If you are truly happy with your current BF, then ignore whatever your ex may or may not be feeling. If it is interfering with your current relationship, break contact.

If you can't do this, then you are quite possibly harbouring feelings for him you need to face. Honesty in all relationships starts with honesty to yourself.