Marriage versus Career Dilemma

[VincenzoG91]

We broke up a few times but he decided to later on be with me again because he said all the girls he dated were no better. Makes me wonder if he's with me just because there is no one else.

Sounds like he doesn't need or want you in particular. He just needs a wife and mother for his future kids, and your career is an obstacle to his plans. If the two of you stay together, one of you is going to need to sacrifice a lot. But each of you can achieve your own goals separately. It only makes sense to break up with him and pursue your goals. There is still time to find the right guy, who has goals that line up with yours and not against.

[BlueberryCookie]

This is a possibility too. But I doubt it. Sounds like he just wants his PhD-trophy wife. I'm betting this guy is very financially secure, so her working isn't even a need. This will make it even harder for her case, b/c she really is working to please herself (which is fine!), not support the family.

Exactly! His family is very well off so he does not need me to work hard to earn money to support our children in the future. He sees my ambition as unnecessary.

[BlueberryCookie]

It sounds like he's not comfortable with the idea of you progressing further in your career than he did.

Maybe he fears that I may find someone better than him when I do a postdoc at Stanford. He is established in his career at Penn State but compared to how he was at my age, I'm doing much better. Also, my academic qualifications are more reputable than his.

[BlueberryCookie]

For someone on your career trajectory, these opportunities are rare and important to take. Opportunities for love are actually far less rare, especially for someone like you. Your opportunities for finding a compatible mate go up as you grow yourself. Consider: if the situation was reversed, what would you be recommending to him? I bet you'd be telling him to go (especially if it is clearly what he wants) even if it meant losing your relationship.

He's being selfish. He knows his own needs, you must respect that. But he needs to respect your needs also. Seriously, go to Stanford. If your relationship can't survive that, then you were doomed anyway.

Thanks for your evaluation of the probability of getting a postdoc at Stanford and the probability of finding a compatible partner. Indeed, some career opportunities are more rare than a marriage opportunity. This gives me a better perspective on the choices I have and the value of the losses by deciding either way. Nevertheless, my bf is a great guy - caring, responsible, attentive and fun. The only drawback is his inability to move around due to his ill parents and sister. If he were able to move, I would invite him with me to Stanford.

I can't deny that the postdoc would open up more opportunities in the future, for my career as well as love life. If I go to Stanford, within a year, what are the chances of finding someone compatible at the age of 34 y.o.? Will there be promising candidates who are also intellectual and share the same values as I do? Do you think it's a good idea to still keep in touch with my bf if changes and decides to continue the relationship?

Are there no senior female faculty at your university you can discuss this with? I'd highly recommend it.

Most of the female faculty here are not ambitious as I am at a small university. They get married early, have many kids and are contented with this. I am hoping to hear from ambitious and talented women on this forum, particularly your stories on selecting career opportunities in face of a marriage proposal and how you work through the career-family balance. I am also eager to hear from men who have talented and ambitious wives / girlfriends and how you negotiate needs and decide on career opportunities, having children etc.

[IndiReloaded]

I think this is a great place to ask about your relationship issues as relates to your career. But check your PM. I really do think you should discuss with professional women who have been where you are.

[BlueberryCookie]

IndiReloaded, thanks for tips and support.

[IndiReloaded]

You're welcome. If you are so inclined, post when you have made your decision. This is an exciting time for you (or should be). The world is your oyster! Go collect your pearls.

[BlueberryCookie]

Some updates. Managed to discuss the PD position with my bf and discovered that he actually didn't mind me going. He just didn't like it that I was making such an important decision on my career/relocation/marriage (3 issues all at once) by discussing with friends. He felt I was not listening or respecting him and under the influence of my friends. He's also scared that he would lose me. Anyway, I'm happy now

Just wondering... is seeking the opinion of others on important issues inappropriate? I do ultimately make my own decision.

[IndiReloaded]

Some updates. Managed to discuss the PD position with my bf and discovered that he actually didn't mind me going. He just didn't like it that I was making such an important decision on my career/relocation/marriage (3 issues all at once) by discussing with friends. He felt I was not listening or respecting him and under the influence of my friends.

Just wondering... is seeking the opinion of others on important issues inappropriate?

Oh the irony of your question!

No, its not inappropriate if you are selective. The fact he is discouraging this is a red flag re: control in a relationship. My ex was like this. He didn't like my getting advice from family or friends either. Counselling was a no-go for the same reason. There is nothing wrong with discussion with others, most people are not comfortable being an isolated island and there is a lot of shared wisdom out there to be had. Yes, you should be making your own decisions of course, but not in a vacuum. You should be able to discuss important issues with trusted family or friends.

Now you have me worried about you. This kind of attitude is actually an abuse tactic, to emotionally isolate your spouse/partner so you become dependent on them. Don't tell him this. Just be careful. I'm glad he is supporting your decision. Sounds like he could stand some counselling, fwiw.

[BlueberryCookie]

Oh the irony of your question!

No, its not inappropriate if you are selective. The fact he is discouraging this is a red flag re: control in a relationship. My ex was like this. He didn't like my getting advice from family or friends either. Counselling was a no-go for the same reason. There is nothing wrong with discussion with others, most people are not comfortable being an isolated island and there is a lot of shared wisdom out there to be had. Yes, you should be making your own decisions of course, but not in a vacuum. You should be able to discuss important issues with trusted family or friends.

Now you have me worried about you. This kind of attitude is actually an abuse tactic, to emotionally isolate your spouse/partner so you become dependent on them. Don't tell him this. Just be careful. I'm glad he is supporting your decision. Sounds like he could stand some counselling, fwiw.

Glad you pointed this out. I wasn't aware that emotional isolation from friends is a form of control. No wonder I felt strange and not as happy as I used to be. Thanks for affirming this.

[IndiReloaded]

Doll, you are still so young in many ways. But you are smart (compliment). One thing about smart people: we tend to overthink things and question our emotional (gut) responses in case they might be 'illogical'. Sometimes, that's a good thing, but sometimes our gut really does know best.

I will share with you something that took me years to realize: when your brain and your gut are on the same page and arrive at a conclusion that your 'heart' doesn't want to hear: pay attention and, if it says to act, then act. Its normally something you will be very glad you did later.

Go to Stanford. Even my head and gut is telling me this about you.

[BlueberryCookie]

Doll, you are still so young in many ways. But you are smart (compliment). One thing about smart people: we tend to overthink things and question our emotional (gut) responses in case they might be 'illogical'. Sometimes, that's a good thing, but sometimes our gut really does know best.

I will share with you something that took me years to realize: when your brain and your gut are on the same page and arrive at a conclusion that your 'heart' doesn't want to hear: pay attention and, if it says to act, then act. Its normally something you will be very glad you did later.

Go to Stanford. Even my head and gut is telling me this about you.

Great philosophy! I guess the heart does have a way of revealing the truth. Hope to find Mr. Right at Stanford . Too bad my bf is not secure about himself. In my eyes, I think he has a great personality, responsible, accomplished and should have not worry that I'll dump him for someone better. Insecurity ruins a relationship. I need my guy to be strong and supportive of my career. I do not like having to face constant threats and pleas for reassurance. It's pathetic. I'll follow your advice and let my heart lead the way