Marriage versus Career Dilemma

[BlueberryCookie]

If you'so incredibly intelligent, postdoc and all, can't you see how bad this is?

You're saying I wouldn't live up to my full potential if I decide to marry now?

[surfhb]

We broke up a few times but he decided to later on be with me again because he said all the girls he dated were no better. Makes me wonder if he's with me just because there is no one else.

LOL. What a dickhead thing to say to someone you supposedly love. Seriously Girl? Why are you even questioning your future here?

[BlueberryCookie]

LOL. What a dickhead thing to say to someone you supposedly love. Seriously Girl? Why are you even questioning your future here?

Sorry, could you explain further?

[basilandthyme]

Thanks for pointing this out. It makes me more aware of how career-centered I am. I think I should make some room for marriage and motherhood soon - and unfortunately, this would require some sacrifice. I think I need to mentally prepare myself to make more sacrifices later too. I guess modern women can't have it all

Thing is, even if we think we've got it all sorted out so it fits in nicely, life can still throw a curve ball at us.

My hubby had a deadline for kids. He was such a great guy that I decided to put some of my plans on hold and have kids while we were still young. I was 29 and he was 35 when our first was born. Turns out that first born has autism and I've never gone back to work and all our fabulous travel plans for when the kids are grown may never happen. I don't regret any of my decisions, but it just goes to show that even the best laid plans can go wrong.

[surfhb]

Sorry, could you explain further?

Explain further how? The guy sounds like a dick the way you explain it. Ask yourself what you want in life. You have a PhD from John Hopkins...use it for fucck sakes. Whats mind boggling to me is your asking strangers on a forum what direction is best for you in life.....i mean youre supposed to be the smart one here right? Yes.... he is asking you to forgo your ambitions.....so what do you want?

BTW....you can freeze eggs....also my friend just had a kid and shes 41

[BlueberryCookie]

Thing is, even if we think we've got it all sorted out so it fits in nicely, life can still throw a curve ball at us.

My hubby had a deadline for kids. He was such a great guy that I decided to put some of my plans on hold and have kids while we were still young. I was 29 and he was 35 when our first was born. Turns out that first born has autism and I've never gone back to work and all our fabulous travel plans for when the kids are grown may never happen. I don't regret any of my decisions, but it just goes to show that even the best laid plans can go wrong.

Thanks for sharing your story and how you dealt with the juncture. I guess we have to be prepared to plan only the immediate next step and let that step lead us to the next step.... It is exhausting to have to line up all our plans all at once.... I guess this is what I'm trying to do......

[BlueberryCookie]

Explain further how? The guy sounds like a dick the way you explain it. Ask yourself what you want in life. You have a PhD from John Hopkins...use it for fucck sakes. Whats mind boggling to me is your asking strangers on a forum what direction is best for you in life.....i mean youre supposed to be the smart one here right? Yes.... he is asking you to forgo your ambitions.....so what do you want?

BTW....you can freeze eggs....also my friend just had a kid and shes 41

Sometimes being in a web does not allow me to see things clearly. I really appreciate all the comments here. I guess it boils down to how much I really want the prestigious scholarship for postdoc and whether he can respect that ambitious streak in me...... It is after all a part of me too.... I would like my Mr. Right to accept me for who I am........

[steviej]

Wait wait wait!!

There is a lot of info that should really be in your opening post which is spread throughout this thread.

Let me get this right - if you choose to abandon your ambition, you will go off to live with a guy you haven't lived with before and despite being in a relationship with him for 4 years, 3 of those have been LDR.
He has health issues, you would be moving in with him AND his elderly parents who he cares for and that's the environment he wants you to have a kid in.
This guy has tried dating others but thinks you're his best chance at having kids.

Honestly, can you see yourself happy looking after a baby, him with his health issues and two elderly people all under one roof?!

The shock to your system going from high flying, independent uni prof to a stay at home carer will send you mental!

You've clearly got a talent, why waste it? Persue it and see where it goes, there is every chance you will meet someone far more compatible and with a similar outlook to yourself.

Do not stay with this guy out of guilt, the sooner you cut him loose the sooner he can find someone who wants what he wants - a stay at home nursemaid wife to the family.

[IndiReloaded]

I am a 33 years old female. Having completed my PhD from John Hopkins about 3 years ago, I am currently a lecturer at a small university. There are no facilities for research at the university I'm currently at, so I am keen on moving to another university to allow me to conduct my research and for career advancement.

I have two competing offers:
(1) A postdoctoral researcher at Stanford for a period of 6 months starting in 6 months (May).
(2) A visiting professor at Penn State for period of 1 year starting in 3 months (March / April).

I can only choose EITHER Stanford OR Penn State due to the overlapping start time and duration

If I choose offer (1), I have the support of my parents but may lose my boyfriend of 4 years.

If I choose offer (2), I may lose the support of my parents but still have my boyfriend of 4 years. My boyfriend stays in Penn State and promises he will marry me when I've settled down in Penn State for 3-4 months.

Is the prestige gained from doing a postdoc at Stanford worth anything?

I have visited Penn State and they have suitable equipment required for my research. The research at Stanford is not really related to my area of interest but I believe I can explore other research groups at Stanford during my postdoc. Moreover, there is a certain prestige that comes with doing a postdoc at Stanford (is this true or just a myth? )

I am a little concerned about pregnancy complications / infertility issues if I decide to postpone marriage. I may also have to find another boyfriend if he still insists that I forgo the postdoctoral position at Stanford.

However, if I agree to my boyfriend's request to forgo my postdoc this time, I fear he may ask me to forgo any ideas of advancing my career in the future.

Which offer is better for my career and marriage for long-term? Any suggestions on achieving career-marriage balance? Any advice is much appreciated. Thanks

Sorry, I just saw this.

Yes - the prestige of a PDF at Stanford is worth it. I did this for an opportunity in Boston. Faculty positions are very competitive these days, and every bit counts. If the opportunity at Penn State was a longterm position, I would have said go for that but its not.

The other very important thing are your references, you must know this. If there is a researcher at Stanford whose work you resonate with, then start contacting him/her for a visit. Those letters and contacts are key for your first grants and job talks.

Personal bias, but do *not* sacrifice your hard-won career for your BF. Any man who pressures you to do this (direct or indirectly) is issued and selfish. My ex threatened me with divorce if I chose a career that required a difficult schedule (like an ER physician). I chose the research route instead, like you, but it was a telling moment for us. Real men don't make their women choose b/t them and a career.

Wishing you all the best in your future opportunities.

[BlueberryCookie]

Wait wait wait!!

There is a lot of info that should really be in your opening post which is spread throughout this thread.

Let me get this right - if you choose to abandon your ambition, you will go off to live with a guy you haven't lived with before and despite being in a relationship with him for 4 years, 3 of those have been LDR.
He has health issues, you would be moving in with him AND his elderly parents who he cares for and that's the environment he wants you to have a kid in.
This guy has tried dating others but thinks you're his best chance at having kids.

Honestly, can you see yourself happy looking after a baby, him with his health issues and two elderly people all under one roof?!

The shock to your system going from high flying, independent uni prof to a stay at home carer will send you mental!

You've clearly got a talent, why waste it? Persue it and see where it goes, there is every chance you will meet someone far more compatible and with a similar outlook to yourself.

Do not stay with this guy out of guilt, the sooner you cut him loose the sooner he can find someone who wants what he wants - a stay at home nursemaid wife to the family.

Thanks for your opinion, steviej. You broke it down so clearly.

I am a talented, healthy and gorgeous scientist. He's a wonderful guy and loves me a lot. He has also achieved far more than me in terms of his career as he is older than me. I was hoping that he would give me an opportunity to do the same, instead of suppressing my ambitions for the sake of marriage. As much as he loves me, there are issues that I need to consider if I marry him - he has some heart disease, an ill sister and ill parents to look after. This requires me to relocate to Penn State where he is staying so that he can look after his parents and sister. He already has a maid to help him full-time but feels he needs to be around to attend to the medical needs of his parents. He has a lot on his plate. So, in case I go to Stanford, I will have to leave him behind. He is using guilt to make me forgo Stanford in order get married soon. This is difficult as we have been in a long-distance relationship for 3 years and have been together together in Chicago for only 1 year before that. I feel that in order to get married, we would have to first progress slowly into some kind of routine in Penn State with his parents and sister to see how we all fit. I would say the best time to do this is after I return from Stanford - but now he doesn't even allow me to consider going to Stanford

[IndiReloaded]

For someone on your career trajectory, these opportunities are rare and important to take. Opportunities for love are actually far less rare, especially for someone like you. Your opportunities for finding a compatible mate go up as you grow yourself. Consider: if the situation was reversed, what would you be recommending to him? I bet you'd be telling him to go (especially if it is clearly what he wants) even if it meant losing your relationship.

He's being selfish. He knows his own needs, you must respect that. But he needs to respect your needs also. Seriously, go to Stanford. If your relationship can't survive that, then you were doomed anyway.

I feel that in order to get married, we would have to first progress slowly into some kind of routine in Penn State with his parents and sister to see how we all fit. I would say the best time to do this is after I return from Stanford.(

This is completely sensible.

Are there no senior female faculty at your university you can discuss this with? I'd highly recommend it.

[BlueberryCookie]

Sorry, I just saw this.

Yes - the prestige of a PDF at Stanford is worth it. I did this for an opportunity in Boston. Faculty positions are very competitive these days, and every bit counts. If the opportunity at Penn State was a longterm position, I would have said go for that but its not.

The other very important thing are your references, you must know this. If there is a researcher at Stanford whose work you resonate with, then start contacting him/her for a visit. Those letters and contacts are key for your first grants and job talks.

Personal bias, but do *not* sacrifice your hard-won career for your BF. Any man who pressures you to do this (direct or indirectly) is issued and selfish. My ex threatened me with divorce if I chose a career that required a difficult schedule (like an ER physician). I chose the research route instead, like you, but it was a telling moment for us. Real men don't make their women choose b/t them and a career.

Wishing you all the best in your future opportunities.

IndiReloaded, thanks for your insight. Really helps knowing that a postdoc at Stanford would be valuable for a faculty position in the future. My BF, who is 7 years older, has already established his career at Penn State and conveniently dismisses how much he had to struggle to secure a faculty position when he was younger. For me, it is unfair that he does not give me the same opportunity.

Sounds like your ex was quite adamant that you switched to a career with a more flexible schedule. How did you negotiate with him? Did you give in eventually? If so, did you regret this?

[KingZ]

It sounds like he's not comfortable with the idea of you progressing further in your career than he did.

[IndiReloaded]

IndiReloaded, thanks for your insight. Really helps knowing that a postdoc at Stanford would be valuable for a faculty position in the future. My BF, who is 7 years older, has already established his career at Penn State and conveniently dismisses how much he had to struggle to secure a faculty position when he was younger. For me, it is unfair that he does not give me the same opportunity.

Its not even about unfair, its just unrealistic. He really is asking you to potentially give up your career. Like I said, if the Penn position was a tenure-track faculty one, then jump on it. But its not. For him, even a decade ago, the competition for faculty positions was much less. PhDs are a ponzi scheme, with far more graduates than positions. You need to work harder to achieve the same position. There are far fewer faculty retirements and the financial situation of universities is undergoing a huge shift. Your post-doc could be very important for you to get a position in *industry*. The point is to keep yourself current and your options open.

Sounds like your ex was quite adamant that you switched to a career with a more flexible schedule. How did you negotiate with him? Did you give in eventually? If so, did you regret this?

In my case there was little negotiation. My ex was very controlling like your BF, and also ahead of me in his career. I did give in, but I don't regret it. It was challenging at the time, but I worked in industry and then university admin. A woman who completely gave up her career would not have the opportunities I do. Especially these days with the economy being what it is. Never close doors. Make decisions with your head, not your heart. What you decide now will impact you 20 years from now.

[IndiReloaded]

It sounds like he's not comfortable with the idea of you progressing further in your career than he did.

This is a possibility too. But I doubt it. Sounds like he just wants his PhD-trophy wife. I'm betting this guy is very financially secure, so her working isn't even a need. This will make it even harder for her case, b/c she really is working to please herself (which is fine!), not support the family.