22 years - nothing left?

[fluffyskull]

Hi
We've been together 22 years and it seems like over the last year particularly and somewhat before that things having been slowing to a halt. My Husband has always been somewhat aloof but this year we had sex 3 times. All 3 times I instigated. The first time he looked like I'd asked him to clean up dog mess and to be honest I nearly didn't bother but he seemed enthused when we got to it. That's not so much my issue because my sex drive has waned quite an amount too and so I'm not worried so much about the physical act but what it means for the relationship. I still fancy him I just don't have much of a sex drive. To be fair he has never seemed that much into sex but he did always instigate although it was very routine and always the same place and time of week. He made it clear he didn't want to at other times.
I feel he is someone who likes to be in control of himself and others and his pushing me away makes him feel powerful but I may be wrong. Nowadays when I hug him he closes his eyes and his head is turned like he isn't even there....he seems to be off somehwere else. The last time I went to hug him he told me he wasn't in the mood so I didn't. I haven't since and he seems okay with that so now we never hug or kiss. That's been a week. He rarely looks at me.
The last year has been particularly hard. I left a job I hated and he has had to pick up the ball and start working.....in a job he hates, I'm still looking for work. He constantly blames me but we never knew what would happen after I left....we had other plans and neither of us realised what the situation would be and that our plans would fall through. I did ask him about leaving my job and he was encouraging and told me to do it - if he had been in any way doubtful I wouldn't have. We have slept separately for a few years because we like the covers differently, I don't really have a problem with that but it would be nice to still have intimacy, cuddles, warmth etc. I have never received a compliment in 22 years.
He seems jealous of our child without going into too much detail. Around this time of year I think he gets slightly depressed which doesn't help. Every so often he says he wants to leave me (like once a year) and then changes his mind. Recently he couldn't find his socks in the morning and left pissed off (they weren't where he expected), he still left on time and that day I had a job interview..I was already stressed from the interview and he came home (knowing I'd had an interview) and told me that he was leaving me. I think partially because of the socks. Then a day later he changed his mind. I don't threaten to leave him (not for a long time....like 10 years) but I occasionally think about it.
Yes I'm overweight but I don't think that's a major issue here...I have been throughout the marriage and I have been considerably heavier than currently and things were really good. I am trying to lose weight for the record.
I feel very alone. We do sometimes talk and make each other laugh and it's like we get on really well and he lights up but sometimes I think maybe he just enjoys showing off his character and it's not really me he is interested in. He shows no interest in my hobbies whatsoever. He likes to be right and show off his knowledge. We haven't hadan easy life together....money has been tight, we rarely go out and have holidayed together once. I wondered if anyone has been through this and could give me insights or anyone else their opinion.
I still love him but I don't know if I can keep going on like this. I'm giving it until after Christmas and hoping things brighten up. I'm not playing silly games I try to live straight with no games...I say what I mean and don't manipulate and am very straightforward....I will attempt resuming hugging and behaving normally...I usually do if he pushes me away but this time I thought I'd give him what maybe he actually wants which is not doing which is unusual for me and I feel like I'm acting unnaturaly.....I don't know really how to proceed, confused.

[Wakeup]

Have you ever told him all that ^^^, how unhappy YOU are? If so, does he care that you're unhappy? 22 Years is a long time to be imprisoned without having had your day in court.

[wilf]

I hate to sound harsh but it sounds like you are living in both a sexless and a loveless marriage. Or, at least, you are receiving no love from him. Your weight
shouldn't be a factor. It sounds like your confidence is shot and, if the marriage continues along these lines, your confidence will dip even lower. I can't imagine myself continuing in such a marriage. Breaking up might be painful but at least you can devote your time and energy to enjoying yourself and rebuilding your
self-esteem. There's every chance that you will find another relationship and get the happiness you deserve.

[fluffyskull]

Thanks for replying.....not so much this time I haven't told him. I am sure he knows though. I have over the years told him I like and enjoy and need physical contact (not sex) but emotional stlye like hugging etc. He thinks I use him as a teddy bear is how he put it once. I explained it was a mutual thing and that it's something everyone needs...or so I thought. The last time I went to hug him was for him....he was complaining about his job so I wanted to make him feel better. He's not big on talking and is extremely sensitive and with a great tendency to take things the wrong way or really personally.

[Wakeup]

You're not "sure" he knows until you actually tell him. Don't assume anything. People don't know what you're thinking ~ Particularily when you "pretend" like you say you've done. Don't be one of those people who do the "pass the potatoes dear, oh by the way, I'm leaving you." Talk to him and see if he's willing to put some effort into being intimate again (and by "intimate" I'm not just talking about sex).

Not to make light of your situation but your story remined me of an old joke:

Hot and Cold Sex

After an examination, the doctor said to his patient: 'You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?'
'In fact, I do.' said the old man. "After my wife and I have sex, I'm usually cold and chilly; and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually hot and sweaty."

When the doctor examined his wife a short time later he said, 'Everything appears to be fine. Are there any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?' The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: 'Your husband mentioned an unusual problem. He claimed that he was usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time; and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you have any idea about why?'
"Oh, that crazy old coot'' she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January, and the second time is in August."

Talk to him Fluffy..