Trying hard to understand Indian culture in my relationship

[surfhb]

Middle-Eastern here. Same cultural expectations.

Nobody here has really said anything worthwhile because they don't understand.

It is possible for you to meet his parents, but you're going to have to be patient. I didn't introduce my girlfriend to my parents until we were together for a year, and I care very much for her. A couple things to keep in mind:

1. This expectation is more for daughters than sons. He could introduce you early if he wanted to, but he's purposely making the choice not to.

2. You have to keep in mind that it may not just be an issue with you, but also with his parents meeting you. In my case, I have very overbearing, embarrassing parents. He may just be concerned that his parents will scare you off.

Don't worry about it. Just be patient, go with the flow, and focus on the relationship itself; not this frivolous shit.

Bullshit! She feels disrespected and it hurts her feelings. Her well being is her ultimate obligation

[Wakeup]

Nobody here has really said anything worthwhile because they don't understand.

I don't pretend to understand.. I'm just telling her about scenerios I've read all too often where the one outside the culture gets burned. One Indian man wanted to keep the girl he was dating and hiding from his family as his mistress while he married the chosen woman because he would not go against his parents. Therefore, she should be wary if he continues to hide her (common sense) and she would do well to pay heed to his ability to be his own man ~ strong enough to go against them if need be.

[Fruitsss]

how old are u guys?

what ever race u date u need to find out what they culture are before dating.
cause they will not change it for u.

and i dont thinks things will change in what u have witht hat guy . or u will have to choose for his culture
in somethings.
cause loyalty to parents is very important. and one a child rebels against the culture they often move out and far away.

in their believe u r not allowed to act like a slut like whit people often do. like
sex and kiss and stuff righ away. u can kiss till the honeymoon, not before that.

u can google and find more information.

anyway many culture dont take white people serious cause of the way u guys carry yourselfs.(no morals etc.(
so i dont think he will do a lot to choose for u.

[surfhb]

how old are u guys?

what ever race u date u need to find out what they culture are before dating.
cause they will not change it for u.

and i dont thinks things will change in what u have witht hat guy . or u will have to choose for his culture
in somethings.
cause loyalty to parents is very important. and one a child rebels against the culture they often move out and far away.

in their believe u r not allowed to act like a slut like whit people often do. like
sex and kiss and stuff righ away. u can kiss till the honeymoon, not before that.

u can google and find more information.

anyway many culture dont take white people serious cause of the way u guys carry yourselfs.(no morals etc.(
so i dont think he will do a lot to choose for u.

Yeah.....immoral things like have sex and kiss. Lol. ** hand slapping forehead **

[learning1]

Bullshit! She feels disrespected and it hurts her feelings. Her well being is her ultimate obligation

True, but the way I see it, in a relationship you should care about the other person too. I care about needlessly causing him family drama and trouble. It's been 4 months, he can't be expected to want to marry me at this point, and telling his family he has a random girlfriend when we aren't even "serious" yet seems like it'd just cause more harm than good. It's just that, having grown up in a different culture without arranged marriages where you meet each other's families early on, I have a knee-jerk reaction to feel terrible about being "hidden."

[Wakeup]

True, but the way I see it, in a relationship you should care about the other person too. I care about needlessly causing him family drama and trouble. It's been 4 months, he can't be expected to want to marry me at this point, and telling his family he has a random girlfriend when we aren't even "serious" yet seems like it'd just cause more harm than good. It's just that, having grown up in a different culture without arranged marriages where you meet each other's families early on, I have a knee-jerk reaction to feel terrible about being "hidden."

It's not only that he's hidden you from HIS family... he's also being very unco-operative in hanging our with you in the presence of your sister. What's your excuse for him doing that?

You're not listening to anyone, you're making excuses for every post that isn't what you want to hear... as such, why not just do what you want and let the chips fall where they may. There is a Broken Hearts Sub-forum here that you can vent to if/when you need to.

[surfhb]

True, but the way I see it, in a relationship you should care about the other person too. I care about needlessly causing him family drama and trouble. It's been 4 months, he can't be expected to want to marry me at this point, and telling his family he has a random girlfriend when we aren't even "serious" yet seems like it'd just cause more harm than good. It's just that, having grown up in a different culture without arranged marriages where you meet each other's families early on, I have a knee-jerk reaction to feel terrible about being "hidden."

Caring for his feelings when it's clearly causing you pain and making you uneasy? Really girl?

[learning1]

Yes. I am making excuses. He just seemed like such a nice, honest guy who genuinely cared for me. I probably should at least explain that I want to break up because I don't appreciate being hidden from his family right now and I want things to move faster where we spend time with each other's families, or something?

[surfhb]

Yes. I am making excuses. He just seemed like such a nice, honest guy who genuinely cared for me. I probably should at least explain that I want to break up because I don't appreciate being hidden from his family right now and I want things to move faster where we spend time with each other's families, or something?

I'm sure he is nice, honest and cares for you. But unfortunately the cultural differences seem to be getting in the way. Maybe someone on this thread can explain and make sense of why his culture doesn't allow him to move in a paticular direction when you've made it clear you're not happy?

Is it because it's a strict patriarchal culture? Family over relationships? I have no clue. Just makes common sense that if your lady's not happy then you find a way to fix the issue. If that's impossible then you move on to someone who can fulfill those basic needs.

Those needs may be made in the future but the whole point of a commitment is in the promise .....he needs to bring something to the table.....He hasn't done this yet. How long are you willing to be patient for something may or may not happen?

[Wakeup]

Yes. I am making excuses. He just seemed like such a nice, honest guy who genuinely cared for me. I probably should at least explain that I want to break up because I don't appreciate being hidden from his family right now and I want things to move faster where we spend time with each other's families, or something?

you could do that or you could give him a chance to remedy the problem then if he doesn't after you've told him what you want.. then break up with him because there really is no intelligent reason to stay with someone that does not give you what you need. Particularily when they are not giving you any indication that they will be giving you what you want anytime soon.

It's always disappointing when things don't pan out the way we want but keep in mind, if he doesn't remedy this situation, then it's best to know that now before you're putting all of yourself into and you're simply disappointed rather than continuing on for a whole lot longer and you end up crushed.. Crushed is so much harder to overcome then disappointed don't you think?

[KingZ]

Bullshit! She feels disrespected and it hurts her feelings. Her well being is her ultimate obligation

The latter may be true. The former is insane.

She could feel disrespected and hurt because he enjoys sunny walks by the beach, but it doesn't make her feelings any more or less valid. Taking something completely at face value and then getting offended about it is fu​cking stupid.

They've only been together for 4 months. Where do you draw the line? What if she was feeling disrespected because he wouldn't introduce her after 4 weeks?

Four hours? Four minutes?

[Fruitsss]

Yeah.....immoral things like have sex and kiss. Lol. ** hand slapping forehead **

r u retard? or u just did not understand? or u just not clear

[MrHV]

I�m white and I live in California. I�m dating a guy who�s originally from India (4 months). His parents live near us, but he hasn�t introduced me. I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can�t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he�s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don�t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later?

I�ve also noticed he�s pretty private about us in general. Likes to take me out on proper dates instead of just hang out at my place late -- he says he doesn't want to disturb my sister by being over late at night. Seems reluctant to hang out with my family also at this point, even though he'd be welcome. I�m trying to understand the situation and the cultural differences here, and I was hoping someone might be able to help me. Thank you.

It seems to me that the solution to this is very simple, but it might not be easy. Even though the relationship is "only" 4 months long, is still plenty of time to be able to decide if someone has any true love towards you regardless of the time. It's called transparency.

1) Let him know, subtly, that even though your family would like to meet and hang out with them, if they didn't approve, you'd still date him.
2) In regular conversation ask him if he would ever go against his parents for someone he loved or watching a movie about it. (not if he'd ever go against his parents for you, this puts the response towards love (maybe not in his mind right now) and not towards you (therefor making the time of 4 months irrelevant)

Then based on his response and your observation of it, you can make the decision whether he'll follow suite with what the others have mentioned, or if he will fight for true love (If that's where you expect/would like it to go - Love , by the way, has no time restrictions - only disposition)

Hope this helps you out somehow. Much love and Peace.

T.L.R.

[learning1]

Thanks! I'll probably just ask, "when do you anticipate the whole secrecy thing ever changing?". I don't know if I'm missing something here, but I don't see why it makes sense to wait until right before you're about to get married to tell your parents about your partner.

[learning1]

OK, update. You all were right! This guy broke up with me after his dad confirmed that he would be devastated by a non-Indian marriage. He made multiple comments about how he might "live to regret it," but he can't hurt his parents especially because his mom is very sick now. He cried a ton and sat awake with me that whole night after dropping the news. Then, just a few days after breaking up with me, he sent more texts saying how he will always still take care of me, needs me to be his best friend, etc... I completely ignored all those.. Now today, he's texting me again to say he hopes I have a very merry Christmas.

He broke up with me because he chose his parents over me. Yet now he doesn't seem to want to be without me in his life. So why is he doing this? Why not just cut me out of his life... Which is what I'm displaying towards him with my no-contact?