Trying hard to understand Indian culture in my relationship

[learning1]

I’m white and I live in California. I’m dating a guy who’s originally from India (4 months). His parents live near us, but he hasn’t introduced me. I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can’t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he’s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don’t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later?

I’ve also noticed he’s pretty private about us in general. Likes to take me out on proper dates instead of just hang out at my place late -- he says he doesn't want to disturb my sister by being over late at night. Seems reluctant to hang out with my family also at this point, even though he'd be welcome. I’m trying to understand the situation and the cultural differences here, and I was hoping someone might be able to help me. Thank you.

[reema]

I don't believe that this matter belongs to any culture ! when someone loves he must be proud of his lover and show that to everyone. His family's matter must make you think twice and be sure if he really loves you he'd tell them and there is no way to be a ''secret'' for him .

[learning1]

I don't know. I have a friend who's Indian and she's crazy about her BF of a year but says her family doesn't even know about him, because in Indian culture you have to be ready to get married before you ever say anything or you won't be taken seriously and risk upsetting family members who think they will be arranging a marriage for you.

[bcgirl]

I have lots of indian friends. It took my friend two years to introduce her also Indian bf to her parents!! My Indian friends tell me their parents would be pissed if they were to date a race other than their kind. Very close minded thinking.
Your bf probably will eventually marry an Indian girl, but is with you for the fun. When he is ready to settle he will eventually leave you, his values and belief system plus families approval is too important to him. That is why he doesn't want to meet your family. He doesn't understand why when its not going to be forever.

[learning1]

Well if it's only been 4 months and it really will cause him a lot of trouble to tell his family about me, then is it really reasonable to expect him to be willing to do so? After 4 months people don't necessarily show their true colors. I'd never commit to marrying someone after only 4 months, so isn't it contradictory for me to expect him to make this big declaration to his family this early on, too? I don't think this equates with him never being willing to do it down the road.

[Wakeup]

I’m white and I live in California. I’m dating a guy who’s originally from India (4 months). His parents live near us, but he hasn’t introduced me. I asked why. He said his parents think they get to arrange a marriage for him, & so he can’t tell them he has a girlfriend until right before he’s about to get married. Meaning, we have to keep our relationship secret in the meantime so they don’t find out. I've never heard of something like this, and if he wants to keep us secret from them now, why would I think he'd ever change that later?

If you knew how many threads I've read from women (not just white women) whose Indian boyfriend wanted to keep their relationship secret until they were ready to get married and then they got married to the woman the parents set up for him to marry, you'd be quite surprised. Have more respect for yourself and do not be anyone's secret. "Nobody puts Baby in the Corner" (scene from the movie Dirty Dancing) should be your motto and one of your personal boundaries that you'll not let down for anyone.

I’ve also noticed he’s pretty private about us in general. Likes to take me out on proper dates instead of just hang out at my place late -- he says he doesn't want to disturb my sister by being over late at night. Seems reluctant to hang out with my family also at this point, even though he'd be welcome. I’m trying to understand the situation and the cultural differences here, and I was hoping someone might be able to help me. Thank you.

Clearly, You are a temporary filler.

Well if it's only been 4 months and it really will cause him a lot of trouble to tell his family about me, then is it really reasonable to expect him to be willing to do so? After 4 months people don't necessarily show their true colors. I'd never commit to marrying someone after only 4 months, so isn't it contradictory for me to expect him to make this big declaration to his family this early on, too? I don't think this equates with him never being willing to do it down the road.

Denial aint just a river in Egypt.

Protect your emotional health and find a man that actually values you enough to be proud to show you off to his friends and family. At the very least, re-visit this situation in another couple of months and if he hasn't changed his position and continues to avoid introducing you or becoming a part of your family functions, then don't keep ignoring these very real red flags he's presenting to you. Don't be naive and blind.

[learning1]

I just think 4 months is NOT a long time. and if he wouldn't commit to marrying me right now (nor would I accept this soon!)..,. then why in the world should he "commit" to dramatically rocking the boat with his whole family?

[Wakeup]

This has nothing to do with committing to marrying you and EVERYTHING to do with hiding you. Don't let your hope of being with him and fear of losing him cloud the fact that he does not want to introduce you to his parents. At the very least you should periodically bring up wanting to be introduced and if he keeps refusing then you should high-tail it away from him because that will prove that indeed you are just filler until he marries his parents choice for him.

[surfhb]

Obviously you feel disrespected so you can continue to put up with this or move on.

Just imagine how you'll feel if a year or two goes on and youre VERY emotionally involved with this man and he suddenly breaks it off to marry some troll who's been prearranged?? That will be a rather sad day for you huh?

Just don't get attached girl....he's not yours and never will be....keep that in mind.

[learning1]

OK. so do I just tell him this hurts my feelings and if we can't be public about things (online, etc) then I am breaking up with him?
It sounds somewhat reasonable except it's only been 4 months - why is it fair to expect him to know for sure he wants a commitment with me (because otherwise it seems like a horrible idea for him to tell his family)?

[surfhb]

OK. so do I just tell him this hurts my feelings and if we can't be public about things (online, etc) then I am breaking up with him?
It sounds somewhat reasonable except it's only been 4 months - why is it fair to expect him to know for sure he wants a commitment with me (because otherwise it seems like a horrible idea for him to tell his family)?

Yes or no? Does it hurt your feelings?

[learning1]

Yes, it hurts my feelings. I'm also bothered by the thought of causing him horrible drama with his family -- saying "I've been dating this girl for 4 months against your wishes, obviously we aren't sure where it's going to go yet," seems much worse than "I'm engaged to this girl, we're very serious, the end."

[surfhb]

Then you need to tell him that and move on unless he's willing to man up.

Fucck what his he or his family thinks! It's YOU that's important....that's the point of dating. Finding that person who makes YOU happy....make sense?

[rimon]

you should better make some indian friends on facebook, talk to them, be a member on some active indian pages, and community, might help you, and of course search with the culture word, you can try the indian tv programs, watch them, as well as movies

[KingZ]

Middle-Eastern here. Same cultural expectations.

Nobody here has really said anything worthwhile because they don't understand.

It is possible for you to meet his parents, but you're going to have to be patient. I didn't introduce my girlfriend to my parents until we were together for a year, and I care very much for her. A couple things to keep in mind:

1. This expectation is more for daughters than sons. He could introduce you early if he wanted to, but he's purposely making the choice not to.

2. You have to keep in mind that it may not just be an issue with you, but also with his parents meeting you. In my case, I have very overbearing, embarrassing parents. He may just be concerned that his parents will scare you off.

Don't worry about it. Just be patient, go with the flow, and focus on the relationship itself; not this frivolous shit.