Major Trust issues - Need some support/advice...

[niceguyinct]

Hi, I am new here and figured it would be a good place to come as I am driving myself crazy. I have been dating (now living with) my GF for about 11 months. She is 12 years younger than myself with two kids (and I also have 2 kids). Our relationship started off great and eventually this summer she started living with me but not officially. At this time, i had a lot of personal stuff going on and I tended to be grumpy and in a bad mood often. I would not yell at her or anything like that but she is pretty happy go lucky and I was certainly not being like that. She started to become very standoffish during the summer and there was a point that we hardly spoke. Certainly no sex. after about a month or two I had a problem with our internet and I called support. They told me to log into our router and look at the log file to see if there was a virus or unknown attack on our internet.

When i did that I noticed a bunch of Pof.com hits from our wifi network. I certainly don't use the site (although that is how we met). I saved our original email from POF and when I clicked on the link I discovered that she had updated her profile (it was not visible to the world) but only to people she contacted. The photos were ones I took of her just a month prior. I confronted her and she told me that she was miserable because I was always unhappy. She said she was looking for people to talk to. Also I need to mention that she has not worked the entire time we have been together. She helps out a lot around the house and with the kids, etc. I asked her if she wanted to break up and she said she did not know what she wanted. I knew how I was acting and I understood how it was affecting her and I was upset with myself that I did not see that I making her so miserable.

she has since closed her account and we have been working on things. Sex is still sparse - very... But she does say she loves me

I often try to talk about sex and she gets mad because I harp on it. I mean it has been a couple months. She tells me I have to stop pestering her and start acting happy and things will improve. However I am happy with everything but that part of our relationship.

I keep wondering if she has someone else - she is home all day and I am out at work.


Maybe she is telling me the truth. This is killing me. She broke my trust this summer and I am not sure how to get it back. I second guess everything now. Every time she is on her phone or PC I keep thinking she is up to something. Many times I find out I am wrong. If I confront her or make comments, then she gets mad and tells me I have issues. So I dont say anything and I am trying to believe her. I think if we had a better intimate relationship i would feel much better.

Everytime I talk to her about any of this, she gets upset because I am overthinking and just cant let things go.

I am going nuts ...

[basilandthyme]

niceguyinct, her actions tell me that she's fallen out of love with you. However, she has not yet gotten to the stage where she can admit it out loud.

I suspect it's only a matter of time before she admits it to herself and to you and moves on.

[luvcoq]

Yeah b&t is right. You should put a password on the internet before you go to work, and set a trace up on her cell phone. That way you will know for sure if she's at it.

[Fruitsss]

u aint her dad so tracing her phone and shit it stupidity.
when u need to do that its a sign that u need to break up.
cause its not normal and its not good and there is no trust

maybe she is in a period that she needs someone of her own age.

[luvcoq]

So its ok for a father to trace a phone, but not a bf? Strange logic.

[bcgirl]

I did the same thing as your gf. I looked for men on pof and pretended to be single when I wasn't. It's the easiest and most convenient way to cheat. What she is doing is looking for someone so she can just leave you once she finds a suitable other man to replace your position. She will continue to be looking unless you two get therapy to help the relationship ASAP

[luvcoq]

Therapy lol. This bitch needs a boot in the hole, not a therapist.

[niceguyinct]

She tells me she loves me all the time. She is amazing with my kids and they love her. I come home to a clean house and dinner every night. She will cuddle with me at night and will kiss me, etc. I wish she was more forthcoming with showing me love - like a text or random email, etc. If she is falling out of love with me, then she is only staying with me because I pay for everything. The problem is that I am not sure I am willing to go much longer without sex. That is usually a tell tail sign that something is wrong. Although she has a lot of "woman" issues. and is currently on medication for it. Whenever I say that I want to have sex and she turns me down I get upset (hurt). I hate that feeling. The sex was never bad. But I cant see myself staying for another couple months without any. not in a relationship that is this new. I am not even sure how to talk about it with her anymore. Everytime I try she tells me I am bitching and she hates that. She says no one will get in the mood if they are being bitched at or hounded. No matter how I try, the conversation comes out like I am harping her. I am pretty sure she is not physically with anyone else, but I really dont know what to do anymore.... I am so sad over this.

The worse part is that if she is not doing anything wrong I am going to push her away. She tells me I just need to let things happen naturally and stop bitching... I can try and let it go a week or two and see if anything changes.

[Cerby]

Therapy lol. This bitch needs a boot in the hole, not a therapist.

Sadly, I agree with this, and it pains me to agree with anything luvcoq says.

[bcgirl]

Maybe she is withholding sex from you because she had unprotected sex with someone else and is waiting to get back the test results which can sometimes take a while or maybe she caught something and doesn't want to pass it along to you unless she got treated. Best is if you dump her ASAP, you don't need this drama

[luvcoq]

Maybe she is withholding sex from you because she had unprotected sex with someone else and is waiting to get back the test results which can sometimes take a while or maybe she caught something and doesn't want to pass it along to you unless she got treated. Best is if you dump her ASAP, you don't need this drama

haahha, stop drinking in the daytime bc.

[bcgirl]

^ why is it so funny? This is the way cheaters think

[Fruitsss]

u aint her dad so tracing her phone and shit it stupidity.
when u need to do that its a sign that u need to break up.
cause its not normal and its not good and there is no trust

maybe she is in a period that she needs someone of her own age.

dude u have strange ways of thinking. a dad is way different from a bf.
he ant trace u just like that but he can if he feels like that is needed to protect u.

a bf cant do that cause his role is not the same as a dad. and u r a adult so
u dont need somebody to look after u.

[bmatts]

Maybe she is withholding sex from you because she had unprotected sex with someone else and is waiting to get back the test results which can sometimes take a while or maybe she caught something and doesn't want to pass it along to you unless she got treated. Best is if you dump her ASAP, you don't need this drama

haahha, stop drinking in the daytime bc.

Hi everybody, just entered this forum and wanted to say "hi" this way

I also think that it is not funny, it is definitely a serious issue.
I think bc's thoughts are absolutely right, but we don't know of course if it is really the case here.
I was with a woman about 10 years ago (it was a 2 year relationship and she in her case was 15 years older), when the process of separation took about 4 month. The thing was that we saw each other and acted like a couple, just the sex was missing ( I need to add that we lived in two different cities about 1 1/2 hours away). I wanted of course, hell, every man wants to have sex, but she rejected me and did it also with similar reasons like here. The subject "sex" was really important to me and I also was "hurt", "angry" when rejected, so that gave her the perfect basis to spread her arguments telling me that I am bitching and stuff...
The end of the story was, that I met in that time another woman and got interested in her. It took a while, because I am no cheater and I always made clear that I am in a relationship and cannot do anything stupid. But when I realized that the sexual issue and conflicts with my at that time gf did not go away and there where no real reasons for it (one could have been her history in which she was abused by her father but that was never an issue when things worked "fine") and my feelings started to drift away to the other girl I talked with her about it, because I was pretty ready to leave her.
So when we finally talked about it she opens up to me she tells me that she has an affair since a couple of month and she did not use protection and that is why she did not want to have sex with me, because she was indeed afraid she could pass something over to me.
Things were pretty clear then I could leave easily, for her it was a bigger deal..but again, bc's thoughts are absolutely real and realistic....no need to drink though

[fecalfeliac]

In my experience sadly, once trust is broken its done...but I was dumb enough to keep letting it happen over and over with many opportunities to prove it. If you're with someone that says you have issues about being insecure about trusting them and they're also unwilling to talk of out IMO that's not a good sign, especially when you find their actions questionable It sounds like maybe she was bored and you addressed that by saying you were working a lot and maybe you were not being or putting as much into the relationship as you felt you could. That's understandable to an extent..and her reaction however I'd consider inappropriate. If I.had to worry about my SO getting on website to fulfill something I couldn't or wasnt,I'd be a little more than upset. Seems immature, not to mention if she is doing this now so early...whats next?Sounds to me like she's doing just enough to get by so she can.get a free ride. I suggest you lay out your feelings in a calm collected manner, gauge her reaction and go from there before you become any further invested in something that could be a real problem.