I'm Have Bad Taste in Men. How Can I Change my Preferences?

[Gargul]

After doing a bit of self-examination and noticing certain patterns in the men I've chosen to date, I've realized that I have bad taste in men. I seem to not be able to date or be attracted to any guy who hasn't been in prison, or at least jail, for something. Other patterns I've noticed in ALL (not most, but literally ALL) of the men I choose to date include:

- Problems with authority (especially police...they've all hated the police, for obvious reasons...one of my boyfriends ended up assaulting a cop)
- Drug use (everything from weed to LSD)
- Enjoys getting into fights and will do so for no good reason
- Lives in or has lived in a trailer park at some point (not to be offensive to trailer people, but it is a pattern I've noticed)
- Heavy drinking or smoking
- Have served time in a juvenile facility, jail, prison, or a combination of those places.

...I'm sure this plays into it somehow, so I'll also say that ALL of the men I've chosen have also had abusive childhoods. One was abusive toward me, but the rest seemed to find their release through one of the vices mentioned above. I know this isn't their fault and that is not something I consider myself having bad taste for, but it is another factor that ALL of the guys I've been with have in common.

As you can see, I always manage to choose the best, most well-adjusted men...not.

I'm still pretty down right now because my last boyfriend went to jail AGAIN and he'll be in for a while...but I don't want to date people like that anymore. I literally have never dated a guy who's managed to stay out of jail yet and I'd like to try.

The thing is, whenever I meet a good guy (or 'nice guy', as people typically call them), I'm just never attracted to them. I just feel like they're boring or something, compared to the people I've been with. I guess I'm just not accustomed to them...whenever they take me out to dinner or something I feel weird, because none of my previous boyfriends ever did it. And then I end up saying I don't think it'll work out because it feels so weird being with them...it's a shame. Yet I don't want to continue what I've been doing.

I just don't know what to do, can it even be helped? I really would like to date a nice, well-adjusted man - I really would - yet they're just not my type...as I've said, my "type" apparently tend to have various problems (including but not limited to alcoholism, drug use, and anger management problems) that lead to jail or such unsafe situations that I simply must leave (for the sake of my own life, in one case). I realize I'm not perfect, but I've at least managed to avoid having all of those problems myself, miraculously...I'm just attracted to people who do for some bizarre reason.

I've been trying to change my dating preferences, but it's just not working so far.

[bcgirl]

The types of men you pick is definitely a reflection of yourself. Perhaps therapy would help you unwrap the layers of the onion to reveal why is it that you tend to keep picking these types of men. People tend to be attracted to ppl that tend to remind them of their parents or ppl tend to find themselves in relationships that are similar to their own parents marriage. Is your father a "bad boy" type? You may also crave drama due to your childhood and not even know it, thus subconsciously picking men that have issues because of your own past that you've never been able to address and heal from. Before jumping into yet another bad relationship, you need to look deeply into your own self and realize why it is that you always seem to find yourself into the arms of the same types of men. This is not just a coincidence. Once you figure out why, hopefully you'd be able to break that cycle of choosing wrong guys and giving your future daughter more hope in the way she picks her men

[Fruitsss]

yOU KNOW i dont know u but im proud of u for step up and say u dont want that anymore and realize that its wrong.
Cause i see a lot of girls dating ang hanging with those guys on the street also , girls that are young and innocent and also
became part of that world cause they dated guys like that and often they end up as drop outs and quitting jobs.

I really thin its a good idea for u to visit a therapist. so they can help u see what is the real reason u go with those guys.

U r right , they did not choose for the bad childhood they had. But once u are a adult its u that choose your own way.
So they choose their own way to deal with their issues.
Even thou its hard especially if there was things like sexual abuse etc. But its not imposible.
But u need to have the courage and great people that care to tell you to get help etc.

I think wh you choose to be freinds with and date, says something about you!
So maybe u choose them cause u feel sorry for them and wants to be some kind of hero.
Or maybe u had no dad while growing up, or a good dad and u think they play tough so they may be the type of guy who
can give u that protection u missed.

Anyways its shore cause u have a low self esteem.
So u pick the lowest u can get.
Those guys are children that have been hurt very bad often by adults. So they
grow up with a lot of anger and pain. (often unseen by the adults that raise them up).
So know that they are grown they seek a way to deal with it and to protect theselfs.
With they find it in the wrong way, and thats the drugs and guns and street life.

You cant help them, they need to get help themselfs.

I think u can better think more about what kind of parents and home you grew up in, and
ask yourself why u look for such a guys, and what do u see in them that u dont see in others.
And a therapist can help , also some self help books if u see what your real deep down issue is.
And stop dating for a while to find yourself and to work on yourself.
Cause now its u . But later on if u bring kids into that kind of relationships u will make one more criminal kid.
Cause history repeats, and u give your kid the wrong role-model as father etc.
And often kids will look at their parents to see how far they can make it in life.

And for shore they will have to deal with all the drugs and jail and anger and problems that will take place around them.
Also when u date a different type of guy, try to focus on the great things they have and what kind of feeling that gives u.
So u can feel more comfortable with them.

[Wakeup]

Yes, there's a reason why you find "normal" boring. What was your own childhood like, gargul? They say we are either attracted to the same personalilty of either our mother or father (no matter what sex we happen to be) so.. who of your parents was the alcoholic/trouble maker/rebel without a cause?

There's a reason why you don't think you deserve to be treated well and find that when you are, you're bored. I agree with BC. Therapy will help you find out why you dont' have the self-worth to pick a good man. I'll add that it's a good thing that you realize your pattern and are seeking out answers to change up the status quo.

[Fruitsss]

Also pray to God to guide u. Cause a cycle is not always easy to break . especially if its a generations thing

[Gargul]

Hmm...a lot of answers mention something about it being because of my parents, but part of what makes this so crazy is that neither of my parents are like that. Both of my parents have medical degrees and rarely drink, and neither of them have a criminal record. My uncle is a police officer. And I'd never even seen a trailer (except on TV) until I started dating. I come from a very normal upper middle class family.

I have a theory as to how this whole thing started...my parents were very strict about dating when I lived with them, and I was never even allowed to date until I got to college. Even then, they always tried to tell me I should date a specific type of person (he must be this religion, this race, must have this amount of education, etc.)...so when I got to college, I ended up dating the polar opposite of the type of person they wanted me to. I'm not sure if I did it on purpose or not, but I know I was deliberately trying NOT to date someone my parents would like. To a certain extent they really were ridiculous about it (for example, they said they'd be mad if I dated a White person since we're Indian...haha), but I see now that some things they said were reasonable.

At first, I think it was at least partially to piss them off or something (and it did), but then I fell in love with the guy. And when it ended, I just kept dating guys like him...so I guess I kind of shot my own self in the foot being angsty, in a way. Now I have to either continue doing that or find a way to change what I've become attracted to...however I do that.

[Wakeup]

This is a first. An Indian woman dating hoods and hooligans as a habit? lmao. Why haven't they set you up with a proper husband?

[Gargul]

... an Indian from India?

I am Indian, yes, but I wasn't born there. I was born here (United States. I know the flag I chose for my thing was wrong...I just randomly chose it).

[Gargul]

This is a first. An Indian woman dating hoods and hooligans as a habit? lmao. Why haven't they set you up with a proper husband?

...because I would've thrown a fit and done everything possible to prevent it. Haha, what did you think I was? I guess I'm kind of "unique" in that way...unfortunately that's not in a good way.

[Wakeup]

I didn't even look at your country flag or profile and by your M.O. you certainly didn't ring a bell as being Indian. Have you thought about getting some kind of councelling to get over your addiction to asswipes and menances to society? You don't say how old you are but non-the-less it's time to grow up and quit being an obstinant little child. You're drinking poison and you're expecting your parents to get sick.

[Fruitsss]

This is a first. An Indian woman dating hoods and hooligans as a habit? lmao. Why haven't they set you up with a proper husband?

i think this is one of the comments yours that i find kind of stupid /racist

it doesnt matter where she is from cause i see most people with your flag posting ****ed up storys here.AND
not every Indian lives that way, and that they choose a husband for them doesn't mean its automatically a good one.

bad boys comes also in nice suits. so its a matter of starting with going to the right place and take time to know him.
and leave it as soon as u see red flag's. just saying

[Gargul]

Well, all the race stuff aside, it's not about my parents anymore. I think it was, but not anymore. I just seems that the nicer type of guys are outside my comfort zone now because I've only dated the opposite kind of person.
Really, every time I think of all the decent/normal men I've met, I'm tempted to just go back to my former boyfriend and wait for him to get out of jail. It just seems like otherwise my life would be nightmarishly boring and unfulfilled...I don't know why that is.

I think I'm going to do the 5-times thing...try dating "normal" men, and if it doesn't work out by the fifth time, just go back to the way things were...I guess that's as good of a plan as any.

[Fruitsss]

well its your life. but if u want something to change u need to change.

cause its u and something inside of u that feels the need to date wrong people.
so not going to a therapist or making a big change in your thinking and life and self esteem, will be the same
as not showering and keep changing your underwear for 5 days and thinking that will clean your body.

and those wrong guys are often a ticking time bom. and u dont know when things can get so out of control that u may lose your life.

U really need to work on your self esteem. cause i think thats a big part of your problem 2. cause when u love yourself u only wants the best .

[bcgirl]

Race has nothing to do with anything. Where I come from there are tons of Indians and I see lots of Indian girls dating Indian gang members who think they are so rich and gangster with their Louis Vuitton and blue contact lenses etc. women can easily fall into the lifestyle these type of men provide. I'm glad the op realizes her mistakes and want to change her habits. Do u find that your other girlfriends date these losers as well?

[HeartIsAching]

I'd be willing to bet that whether or not your parents have been convicted of crimes, drink or were physically abusive is irrelevant - they're probably controlling, which is a personality trait that is shared with abusive people and usually with people with a history of an abusive childhood. You might want to consider that carefully.