A Very Very Very Long Story and I am Lost

[Perfectionist]

Hi guys/girls,

Nice to meet you guys here. First of all, this is a very long story of mine including two serious relationship. Sorry if you feel annoyed reading this and I won't mind if you don't continue with it as it's really long. I am just lost and don't know what to do.

I didn't want to bring up this but I know if I keep continue to be like this, I will lose my gf due to trust issue. I have no one to talk to because everyone has their own problems and I do not feel like disturbing my friends with relationship issues. The best place could be on internet. Besides, most of them won't fully understand my concern because I am a lesbian. My gf is a bisexual. I used to be in my 1st relationship without trust issue (although there was jealousy). My ex gf was a lesbian, so I don't really worry if she will fall for a guy and she seldom mix with guys. Somehow, I loved her, I do everything for her and she didn't have to worry a single thing. She relaxed and always watch dramas/series on her laptop. She was too comfortable with me and she didn't put effort in me when I reached a point in my life where I was totally down (not mentioning it due to personal reasons).

I couldn't sleep every night for almost 2 months. I had anxiety, pessimistic, scared of darkness, only able to sleep when the sky gets bright and always thought I have got heart disease, etc. My heart pumped so hard every day. In short, I supposed that was something related to depression. Due to the bad relationship among my parents and I, even my parents wouldn't help and of course I didn't even let them know this because my mum would just curse me (and she actually did when I told her I feel unwell with my heart). I seek companion from my ex gf (at that point we were still together), but she just didn't really care. She loved me a lot but just that she was too comfortable with me as I pampered her too much and thus she didn't care about many things. Every night I got insomnia, I texted her, she said she was watching movies/dramas online. I was totally helpless. I suffered from all these for more than 6 months still getting no support until one day I started to chat on MSN with one of my course-mate (which is now my gf).

We already knew each other for 4 years before we started to be couple. I used to dislike/hate her in college, because when she talks, she talks very directly and not many people (including me) can accept her "directness". I often feel offended when she said something sensitive. She is okay to be a friend of mine, but not too close. Thus, even I added her in MSN, I didn't really talk much to her. One midnight (during my depression period), I saw she was still online, so I have a chat with her. She asked why am I still awake and I told her my stories. At that point, I didn't know she is bisexual, I thought she was a single who will fall for a guy. So almost every night I saw her online (she shouldn't be there because I knew she is a person who sleeps very early and healthily), I asked her why and she told me she is waiting for someone (her partner - at that point I didn't know she was waiting for partner and didn't even know it's a she and didn't know she has been dumped "indirectly" by her partner) to online. So we chat and I felt comfortable to go to bed after that. I started to put more attention on this girl and found she is a great person. I guessed it's because I need someone and she was there. I started to ignore my gf a lot at that point, I tend to go out with this girl. At the beginning, this girl flirted me a little bit but she claimed she has no feelings for me. I know it's bad because I was still in a relationship and she was still in "half" relationship. But I guessed we both need someone to heal ourselves.

We tend to go out more and more frequent. The feelings was sweet. My gf noticed I ignored her, she started to feel worry and always contact me and wanna make bonds with me. I frankly told her I was a bit in love with this girl (well, I was being honest but I knew I was stupid enough to hurt a girl who has been with me for almost 4 years). I told her to give me 2 weeks time and let me sort out my feelings but she didn't allow me to. And I started to feel forcefulness from her. I told her we should separate. I knew it was such a heartbreaking news to her. I have no excuse for myself. I hate people who have affairs but I myself did it! I blamed myself and I hated myself for loving two at once. My heart went after this girl and ditch my gf. I just wanted to see this girl so much. I confessed to her, she said that I already have a gf why would I confess to her. I was so struggled, my love for her is building. My gf was suffered and she seek help from this girl (because we are all course-mate, we know each other) until she knew I was in love with this girl, then this girl was blamed and being unfriended by my gf. At one point, this girl confessed to me actually she started to fall for me. She went to travel, and we both were missing each other so much. Until when she was back, we had a good night sleep at her house and we were very close with each other like about to "eat" up each other although we didn't declare to be couple (because of all the issues at her side and mine). As usual, we hanged out. She hinted me she was with a girl who doesn't want her anymore but yet to say break up.

A month later, they broke up and this girl and I became a real couple. We together study at oversea, we stay together. The problems arise when I started to think too much. I started to feel insecure because she told me she is a bisexual, she used to be with a guy for puppy love, then her female partner for 5 years, then the last one before me was a guy which only lasted for 1 or 2 weeks (they knew each other for about 10 years). She decided to break up because the guy shown rude attitude and disrespect her as a woman. Now this girl is my gf since 1.5 years ago. We had no problems until I found out lots of guys out there like my gf (but no one go after her, just flirt her - maybe because my gf is kinda fierce or has her strong attitude). My gf is a sports person, she knew a bunch of friends (mostly guys - guys play sports rather than girls). So, she is seen as a unique girl among the guys, at least 3 of them have feelings for my gf. I started to feel jealousy and getting more and more serious until recently we always argue about it because I throw my temper and I am always showing unhappy faces when she speaks to guys and I always ask her lots of questions. She said I doubted her and not trusting her and she feels hurtful. She still keep contact with these guys who like her and of course one of them still flirt my gf because he thinks my gf is still single (we barely announce we are couple to others because of homosexual sensitivity in my country). One thing I want is that my gf feel comfortable to tell people that I am her partner. Obviously I know if she is willing to tell people "this is my partner" that means she thinks I am a right person for her. I treated her well (I treat my friends good, I treat my gf even better). All of my time is usually spent on gf and friends but not really myself because I feel happy doing so. My gf honestly told me that she used to think that she will still flirt with others even she already is my gf but now she no longer think that way because she wants to respect and appreciate me as I treated her very well and she doesn't wanna hurt me. I trust her when she said this. But the problems come when I started to get very jealousy when she chat/talks to guys (especially the way she talks to people is too friendly - not to say flirt but rather good in wordings). It's a cycle. I started to feel jealousy > we argued > i promised not anymore > we okay > i jealous again > and it keeps going on and on.

I afraid of losing her because she has so many admirers. She flirted me at the first place, and I am afraid she will flirt with others. But she told me she only flirt me at that point because she has feelings for me. I dumped my ex gf in the past, and I worried if I will get the karma that my current gf will dump me in near future. She said she won't leave me, she said I treated her well makes her never wanted to leave me at all. She seldom show her love for me verbally but rather by actions (she claimed that she shows the loves via kisses, hugs and intimacy). She has high sex drive, and at times I was thinking does she love me for the sake of sex? And I knew I am really really bad for thinking such thing! In a good way, she seek for sex from me just because she trusted me and in love with me. I don't know why all these rubbish come into my mind ;( Things changed, she started to hide certain things from me especially the content she chat with a few male friends because I will question her a lot which will make her feel very stressful and uncomfortable.

Recently, she asked me if she can contact the ex bf (the bf which lasted only 1 or 2 weeks), i said it's fine because she said she felt guilty by cutting off that guy for 1.5 years already (they are friends for about 10 years). But the thing is, I couldn't handle it even though I said yes to her. I want to know what they are chatting about and I am like wanting to know everything about my gf. I know the more I "force" her, the more she step away from me. We are both sweet but when it comes to her talking on MSN/Skype/Whatsapp/SMS, i get worried. Sometimes, she even hide her stuff very obviously (but unintentionally) and I noticed about that. I hate the feelings being hide from something. She said if she let me know what she is doing, I will always get mad at her and I will stop her from talking to those male friends. She also told me why she chose to make friends with guys instead of girls. It's because guys are more open-minded but girls have more dramas/hatred/etc which she doesn't like it.

Today, she kept holding her phone and texting with someone (the ex bf which only last for 1 week) on bed, when I hop onto the bed, she quickly put her phone down (screen facing downwards). I hate it so much when she hides things from me. I know her main intention is not to hide from me, but to avoid me from getting mad at her since I did it quite frequently previously. I caused all these problems. I made her feel uncomfortable to chat with her male friends. I made her feel like she is being unfaithful to me. I made her miserable. I made myself miserable too. I knew she is in love with me and I knew she treated these guys as friends but I just couldn't let go. We are still good, but somehow there's something in between us. There's a barrier that I have created a year ago. She trusted me a lot, she doesn't even doubt a single thing of mine even if I talk to my ex gf or other girls. Why can't I be like her trusting her? Is it because I have low self-esteem, lack confidence? She is beautiful and many people wanted her. I am not so good looking and kinda overweight. I am now eagerly going to the gym hoping to reshape myself in order to gain confidence. I should feel proud because I have gotten a gf which everyone wants her. I know trust is the key in a relationship. I knew everything, but I just couldn't get rid of this jealousy and trust problems. I trusted her but now I don't even know if I trusted her. It's easy to say but it's very tough to get rid of these out of my mind.

I talked to her a few times, I promised her I will change but I hope she gives me time. I shouldn't force her to adapt with my needs, instead I want to know more about her life and her attitude in being friends with others. She mixed with guys even when she was in primary and high school. Why do I still need to worry? I couldn't understand myself. I always think that she might leave me one day. Worse thing is, we are going to have a LDR 6 months later due to our studies and different working places. I want to sort out the trust problem before LDR, otherwise I know we will end just like that when it comes to LDR + issue. I know if I want to change, we will get better, but how long will it takes? Because even now she is still trying to hide from me (even after we both agree we won't feel offended or one kind when these situations happen). She is just too afraid to see me getting mad. But I told her i wanna change and I will prove it. If she keeps hiding from me, how am I going to change? This is now the 3rd time I didn't want to angry at her or ask her why hide from me since it's so obvious to me. I really don't know how many times more my heart can take it when she hides from me again. I don't want another argument. Each argument brings our relationship to a worse step.... I am really lost ;(

[zaccarus]

wow, that is a long post...... and this is a short answer.

In my opinion you two need to separate. Your issues over jealousy and mis-trust will destroy the relationship, you should be single and sort your head out. If you are feeling like this now having a LDR will make you crazy and drive you insane.

Sorry to be so blunt after you have poured your heart out but I think it needed to be said.

[Perfectionist]

Hi zaccarus,

Thanks for making a reply here in my thread. I appreciate it a lot. I am willing to take any advice no matter harsh or polite or blunt etc. This is the reason I want to be here.

I clearly understand what will the consequences be if I continue to be like this. I am trying hard to stop myself from doing all these thinking. I knew she never and will not betray me. Just don't understand why am I feeling insecure..