She wants to be friends because there are no "love feelings"

[tomasll]

Hello, I really need your help.

The title states the problem and yes, I know there are only two options but I want to be perfectly sure.

Here is the story:
I know this girl for five years now, she was my classmate for 4 years.
On the last year of school, we were practicing for the last school year dance and during that time (3 months) I started to fall in love with here, but she was already in a relationship, so I couldn't confess or say anything because that would just be weird. Everyone was asking if we were a couple, but, unfortunately, we were not, I was in the friend zone. Then after a month from the dance I decided I don't want to hurt myself anymore being in the friend zone and all, I started ignoring her. But she wrote to me and insisted on spending time together (there were rarely other people with us). And we kept doing this for 2 months, then she said something about leaving the country to live and study with her boyfriend (it was a distant relationship), I just crashed, but said nothing. Then after knowing that she will leave, she was so kind and invited me to a theatre, I was excited... until I heard about the part of sitting next to her and boyfriend. Then I gave the tickets away a day before the show, she knew why I did it, didn't even need to say. But after a week or so, she insisted on meeting me again, then I told her what's up. I told her I like her more than a friend and I do not want to be with her because it hurts me to know that she is leaving and all. Well, time pasted and the summer of '12 started and her 18th birthday came to date. Ignored all the invitations, but still came to see a dear friend of mine, gave her a luxurious present, she thanked me after she unwrapped it and we only met the day she had to go. Also came with a present, a more expensive one, though and said goodbye. Well she wrote me the day she came to UK but I did what I knew would hurt me less - ignored her. Then 3 weeks (or it might be 4) later a mutual friend told me that she wants to talk to me and asked me to stop ignoring her. Well I wrote back and a week of chatting later I told her EVERYTHING i felt, told her things like "if you only want me as a friend don't even come back" and similar, she cried, but after a miserable 2-3 weeks of arguing she decided to come back and 2 months later we met again. Well there are lots of details, but I will only tell you the main ones. The day we met, I asked her if she wants me more as a friend but she kept saying she wanted to wait, this kept on going for 2+ weeks then we stared holding hands, kissed and finally called ourself a couple. For 3 weeks... Yeah, that much. The last week was mostly arguing how she doesn't feel the things she should feel when in a couple and decided to be friends. And what is worse, she said that she did not feel the way one is supposed to feel when she kissed me or did the things couples do (I really hated this line). I told her that I did not want to be her friend, but then she kept saying "this brake up is not like the others, I love you, AS A FRIEND, but don't want to lose you or forget the 5 years of fun we had". Note that we would have been a couple, she likes me, wants no other (unless she feels those magical feelings again), said I have all she would ever want, but - there are no feelings. She is super busy with her education, and being friends would be much better she said.


She said that I was the main reason why she came back..
I stopped by her house a week ago, tried to hold her hand, hold her, but she didn't let me (well I could have done that, but you just can't).

Everything said, What do you think about this situation?

[searock]

She only agreed to go out with you because she didn't want to lose you as a friend. She tried, but it didn't work out - she can't force herself into having feelings for you, and she realized that soon enough.

You need to ignore her and any further attempt from her part to get you to be her "friend". Tell her that you cannot be friends, because you have feelings for her and it would only hurt you to be around her. Tell her that if she really does love you as a friend, as she says, then she'll respect your decision.

[tomasll]

Thanks, that "she agreed to go out with you to not lose you as a friend", makes a lot of sense!
And I have already told her that, she respects it, but sends me a message every few days and I keep answering like nothings wrong, but I really would like to see her on christmas. Also, I always keep thinking that it might work out in some time, or is that just stupid? I did everything as every book says, but I'm in this situation. So what should I do about the messages and everything else? ... i smell the "move on" part not far from here...
We actually did a lot together, even as friends, but stopped at the 2nd base. Of course it's not all about that, but, some details might help.

[tomasll]

.. her parents even knew that we were dating, she talked about me with her mom. This is a terrible situation.

[somethinglol]

Why you couldn't just be a friend with her?

[tomasll]

I don't really want to be just a friend. I have feelings for her, I can never have a good time with her because of this fact. Searock seems to have mentioned that in his post. Well if I'd had another person who could fill that space, of course I could be, but now the idea of being just friends is not what I need or want or even feel like doing.

[searock]

I have already told her that, she respects it, but sends me a message every few days

Then she doesn't respect it, and you allow her to do so every time you answer her. She is young and probably never went through something like this, so she doesn't know how much it hurts for you to be in touch with her when she doesn't reciprocate your feelings. This is why she keeps contacting you even though you've told her several times that she's only making it worse for you. You are unable to move on with your life, as long as she is in it. She needs to understand this and to let you free.

I think you should tell her what I told you in my previous post, and also to contact you only if she changes her mind about the two of you, and would like to give it another try as a couple. Otherwise, to please stay out of your life so that you can forget her, move on and be happy.

After you tell her, if she contacts you again ask her "So have you changed your mind?" and if the answer is no, don't reply anymore and keep ignoring her. It may take a while, but eventually she'll get the message.

[tomasll]

She, herself, was never in such a position, but she had done so to her ex-boyfriend (the first) (2 year relationship, it wasn't going well, but she dedicated herself in saving the relationship, but it wasn't going well and if not me she wouldn't have ended it). I always keep saying that she is doing the same to me, but she says it is very different, "we know each other for so long, why would you risk everything to forget this?".

I wanted to do it - say the "only text me if you reconsider" thing, but I thought it might be too harsh.. but it can't go worse than it is now.
Actually if I wasn't so in love with her 2 weeks ago, I would have done it without humiliating myself, but I thought it is an unique situation with her and I should treat her with respect.

Well if the last post is still valid, though I do not want to, but I will use the suggestion.
And if I'd say such a thing to her, it means no christmas then?

[searock]

No Christmas meet-up, unless she decides to date you again. There's no point in keeping in touch with her otherwise - you know that you can't be friends with her, given that you have romantic feelings for her and she does not for you.

[lylufy]

Dear friend !
Despite sad feeling from hearing your story, It's so lucky because I can read your thread. I was exact in your story but in your GF's situation.
7 years ago, I have a male friend- my best male friend at that time. We beside many time in day : at school, at house, in hometown, on the fields...
Every day he rode me to everywhere. Therefor, we felt understandable all about each other. We was closer than brothers, more than lover.
He was my soulmate. I thought that no one or anything can break up us.
From my case, I think that I can understand your GF feeling when she came back for you (may be she don't like you). Although she is unsure her love to you like a couple, she really try to keep the friendship between you. That mean your friendship was built in 5 years is truly significant with her.
You can wonder why she don't love you, she still received your luxury present ? why inspite of knowing your miserable feeling when she don't love you, she still insisted on you to meet again, asking you be friend? Why did't she ignore you like you can? Let think about this, do you ever ask yourself "If she is the person love you - your best friend love you when both of you was beside 4 years and you did not have the same feeling?". It would be very very miserable feeling, some disappointed because she can't feel the same, some blue and worried because losing best friend, some angry because her best friend-who know her clearest did make her confuse... That was not easy for your GF when you love her but she doesn't have same love.
She must insisted on you, otherwise she would lose a true friend.
Finally, I hope that you can put yourself in her position to understand you're important to her much ! And she really doesn't want to separate from you.

[tomasll]

Well, what has happend between you, are you still friends?
And from my position, I have tried to put myself in her shoes a few times, and I would like to be in that position, it is much better than the one I'm in. She said she liked me, she even said that she had those feelings when the couples are in love back when we were dancing and hanging out. But now she feels nothing, nothing for anyone. If you were in the same position, could you explain why she came back and left her boyfriend? The free scholarship was one, but why does she say she came back for me to just be friends? I do not understand this logic. Of course I could be her friend, that is not a problem, but what I do not want to have these feelings or memories of the past year. If it can be fixed, I'll try to fix it with searock's advice. Either way I can't lose anything I haven't lost already, the friendship part - sure it WAS fun, memories will never go away, the dreams will stay, but NOW I want to forget about all of it and move on like it never happened UNLESS she will decide otherwise.

I believe that this is the smartest move, I know she'll hates me for such decisions, but unless I do them, she will not take me seriously.

[searock]

I've actually been in the friend's position too, but since I had previously been in tomasll's position with another friend of mine, I knew that the best thing to do was to cut contact and allow my friend to forget about me and move on. There can be no real friendship if one of the two persons involved is in love with the other, and the other does not reciprocate. So, tomasll, I really think you're doing the right thing. Keep us updated :-)!

[Fruitsss]

If its over, move on, stop hanging around like a idiot.

She dont want to be no freind. she just think that she need to make the break up less painful for u by saying "lets be friends".
I THINK u better break any contact with her and move on. Cause she dont want what u are looking for.

[tomasll]

Well thanks for the help everyone, I got the message, it is nothing that I haven't expect though.
But it always good to know what others think!

If anyone else wants to participate, please do so
I'll keep you updated

[smackie9]

Girls can be emotionally attached without feelings of sexual attraction. Sometimes the attachment is so strong, their behavor is mistaken as sexual attraction, and the dude doesn't even know he is in the friends zone. She gave you a chance to see if there was any sexual attraction, but there wasn't. She will want to keep contacting you, but it's time you weened her off this emotional attachment by going no contact. It is the best for the both of you.