Is it necessary to share a lot of the same interests to make a relationship work?

[rlcbec1984]

I have been with my partner for nearly 5 years. For the last 4 years I have suffered with depression and it has been hard and it has put strain on our relationship. My self esteem has dramatically decreased and as time went on I found myself increasingly dependent on my partner.

I relied on him for everything and I relied on him to make me happy. So then when I didn't get happier, I thought it was his fault. Over time I became more and more withdrawn and found talking to people just having general conversations difficult. I could never think of things to say. I was never like this before depression.

I then started worrying about my relationship. I lost myself and lost all ability to function on my own and to be independent. I used to think that if I didn't want to be with my partner all the time then that was a bad thing. I felt that if we couldn't talk non stop then that also meant something was wrong.

My point basically is do you think you have to share a lot of the same interests to have a successful relationship? Most relationships I know have share very few hobbies and they've lasted. Is it important to have alone time to enjoy separate hobbies? And how do you keep a sense of closeness in the relationship despite any differences.

My partner really is the most wonderful man. He has been incredibly supportive throughout my depression and we get on so well. Every felt perfect before my depression so I know depression will have had a major impact on my worries. I think I just fear it not working out because I want it to work so much.

[elphie]

I'm in a somewhat similar situation myself, in terms of determining if my boyfriend and I have enough in common. What I can tell you is it's definitely a good idea to have some of your own hobbies and interests outside of your boyfriend, and that having some alone time is good too. How much varies from couple to couple, and is more a reflection of the individual needs of each partner; i.e. some people are more introverted, and therefore need more alone time, while other people are more extroverted and need more human interaction and less alone time. Alone time is good for several reasons; it gives you a chance to reflect on your life/relationship and evaluate if everything is good or if there are issues that need to be addressed; it also enables you to stay an independent entity, which I think makes the relationship stronger (and I'm in no way saying you shouldn't depend on your partner for emotional support, love, advice, etc., just that it's ok for you to have your own life outside of the relationship and that the relationship doesn't have to be your whole life...girls night out = good for peace of mind); also, by spending some time apart, it gives you a chance to miss the person you're in a relationship with.

Having shared hobbies can help make your relationship stronger by giving you things to do together. It can also lead to less argument since you won't have to compromise; you can do something you both enjoy. I would guess that the people you know who have very few shared hobbies have lasted because they are able to communicate effectively, their personalities mesh well, and/or they've been able to compromise so that one day they might do what one person wants and another they do what the other person wants.

[VincenzoG91]

I think it's more important to share the same values than the same interests. And it's healthier for the relationship to share at least one hobby, and for each of you to have at least one hobby apiece that you don't share as a couple. That will mean that you are sometimes enjoying time together and sometimes enjoying time apart, and therefore not drifting apart and not getting bored together.

[IndiReloaded]

I think it's more important to share the same values than the same interests.

This^. Plus mutual respect and a willingness to boost the ego of each other. Partners that positively support each other stay together.

[haxan]

I think it's more important to share the same values than the same interests.

Plus mutual respect and a willingness to boost the ego of each other. Partners that positively support each other stay together.

Definitely agree with these 2 statements.

[lylufy]

I think "Yes". It's really necessary to have the same interests to make a relationship work, especially in love.
The same interests are the tool to both of you go on well, understand whether you are suitable or not, happy or not.
But, although there are same interests, you must keep your individual characteristics.
Depending in your own function is better than relying on each other. He make you happy and you make him so. You don't feel happy can because him or yourself.
Normally, 70% same interests and 30% private interests is balance to get on well along.
That 70% will make pleasure about each other. But the 30% will attract other.
I see that, the more you are lying on him, the more you are not willing to him. That come from your personalised.
You must find your individual interests, enjoy them and be free from your BF.

[lylufy]

I think "Yes". It's really necessary to have the same interests to make a relationship work, especially in love.
The same interests are the tool to both of you go on well, understand whether you are suitable or not, happy or not.
But, although there are same interests, you must keep your individual characteristics.
Depending in your own function is better than relying on each other. He make you happy and you make him so. You don't feel happy can because him or yourself.
Normally, 70% same interests and 30% private interests is balance to get on well along.
That 70% will make pleasure about each other. But the 30% will attract other.
I see that, the more you are lying on him, the more you are not willing to him. That come from your personalised.
You must find your individual interests, enjoy them and be free from your BF.

[bluesummer]

I relied on him for everything and I relied on him to make me happy. So then when I didn't get happier, I thought it was his fault. Over time I became more and more withdrawn and found talking to people just having general conversations difficult. I could never think of things to say. I was never like this before depression. I then started worrying about my relationship. I lost myself and lost all ability to function on my own and to be independent. I used to think that if I didn't want to be with my partner all the time then that was a bad thing. I felt that if we couldn't talk non stop then that also meant something was wrong.
.

I went through this exact situation with my first relationship that was about 5 years long. Unfortunately, my ex stopped being understanding about my depression and my inability to function without him propping me up emotionally. We broke up because I started to make him unhappy. I depended on him for friendship, for entertainment, for everything really........and if we didn't do things together or have brilliant conversations I started to panic thinking our relationship was ruined. It wasn't, but my behaviour made sure it got there over time. Too bad, he was a wonderful guy.

What I took from this is that you have to find ways to make yourself happy. You can't depend on your partner for this. You can have their support, but you absolutely cannot use them as your crutch because you're too afraid to stand on your own.

My husband now and I share very few of the same interests but have very similar values (like Vincenzo said) and THAT is what makes it work. We've been together over 5 years and it is the easiest, happiest relationship I've ever had. We've tried on each other's hobbies here and there so we do have some things we can do together.......he taught me to golf, I bring him to concerts with me. We may not LOVE the activities the other is sharing with us, but it creates a connection. For the most part, we have our own interests and even our own sets of friends. We do have some 'shared' friends too. However, sometimes the alone time helps me keep my sanity. For instance, he just let for a conference for three days and I looked forward to it as a time to go hang with my girlfriends and cook what I want for dinner. You have to learn to cherish your time apart, because it is totally healthy to NOT want to see your partner 24/7. Sometimes we will spend a couple of hours in the same room watching tv or reading and don't speak a word to each other.....it doesn't mean we don't love each other, just that we're comfortable!

Don't let your depression strangle your relationship. Don't worry too much about your lack of shared interests. You fell in love for a reason, and you have mentioned he is a great guy. Start there. If you have even a little common ground, that is enough.

[Peter_rocks]

My point basically is do you think you have to share a lot of the same interests to have a successful relationship? Most relationships I know have share very few hobbies and they've lasted. Is it important to have alone time to enjoy separate hobbies? And how do you keep a sense of closeness in the relationship despite any differences.

Sharing interests increases your happiness. Doing things together is really what makes day to day life entertaining and enjoyable. It can be playing sport, travelling, cooking, watching movies, but you two needs something that you actually share together. It helps creating a special conection between you two.

[freethinker31]

I think it is really necessary to have same interests for a relationship to work- actually it is a requirement for me. When you are with someone that has the same interests as you do, you guys don't even have to try hard enough to please each other. You guys just do what you love and the rest will follow. For example, you guys being musicians. You guys could write songs, record, go to gigs, meet bands, and etc. A lot you can do to build up your relationship with same interests.

[Bettyboo]

It is so easily done to get dependant on your partner. You must remember you've done nothing wrong at all. What I suggest is find something YOU enjoy, and you can enjoy as you. You said that you have relied on your partner for a long time. Imagine how you would feel coming home from having some you time once a week and having something different to talk about. Stay strong. It's a big thing to consider having something out of a relationship that you've grown dependant on during a bad period of your life. You'll do it xxx

[bcgirl]

Have you sought out help for your depression? Help other than your bf? You can not solely depend on your bf for happiness, this will put too much strain on the relationship. A good relationship is based on compatibility which is based on similar shared interests of views, hobbies, values, goals, lifestyle, emotional/sexual connection etc. the more things you have in common, the more you have to talk about and share and therefore adding enjoyment to the relationship. Just like friends. Your set of friends are chosen from a certain set of traits that are compatible with yours and that is why you call them your friends, you enjoy their company

[bcgirl]

Also I might add that no body is going to be 100% compatible in everything. I go to yoga regularly. My hubby wouldn't be caught dead doing yoga and although I would like for him to do this activity with me, I also am not attracted to guys who carry around a yoga mat and able to do the splits while chanting freedom, peace and love in Hindi.

[VincenzoG91]

I think it is really necessary to have same interests for a relationship to work- actually it is a requirement for me. When you are with someone that has the same interests as you do, you guys don't even have to try hard enough to please each other. You guys just do what you love and the rest will follow. For example, you guys being musicians. You guys could write songs, record, go to gigs, meet bands, and etc. A lot you can do to build up your relationship with same interests.

Keep living the dream, Justin Bieber.