Financial Disparity and Other Problems

[hgfirehazard]

My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 3 years now, and lately we are fighting a lot. I'm 26 and she is 23. I graduated from college with a BA and currently have a job where I make a great income, but it came at the expense of subjecting our relationship to long distance. I work 12 hour days for weeks at a time and then get a handful of days off and do it again.

She is still in college after having a rough start of not applying herself well for her first couple years. She has approximately one more year of school to complete before she'll get her degree. She doesn't work because her father told her to quit a part time job because she wasn't making very much money almost a year ago. She lives at home and her parents pay for everything for her.

Over the past year (the length of the long distance portion of our relationship) I have paid for everything. Her travel to come and stay with me over summer break, our food, activities, etc. In addition to all of this, I agreed that I would put away a large sum of money for a down payment on a house for us for when she graduates so we can move forward with our lives. I live very modestly and hardly spend a dime on myself, but I do it so we can have a better future.

When on my long drive to work tonight we started talking about money and I mentioned how I would like it if once in a great while she would take just a little bit of money and instead of spending it on herself she spent it on me. This turned into a huge ordeal. She in this past year has spent money on her friends (most recently she bought a bottle of wine for her and her friend on their weekly TV night), so why am I not worthy of the same treatment? At the end of the day it isn't the money I'm looking for, I don't need it, it's the thought. I don't see this thought and lately I'm starting to feel she is unappreciative of how hard I'm working for us.

I understand it has to be difficult to not have any income of her own. When the quitting of her job situation came about I urged her not to. I worked my way through school from start to finish and although it's difficult, I think it's character building and it allows her some freedom to make a few of her own financial choices.

At the end of the day I don't want to feel taken advantage of, and when I get this nasty reaction to me asking for a small token, I feel it even more.

Am I going about this the wrong way? I'm a huge communicator and I want to talk out problems and we have done that our entire relationship and done it well, but this financial problem isn't going away for at least another year. Help!

[reeba]

So she is 23 years old and living at home, and her parents are paying for everything - college, books, food, insurance, car, clothes, hair, and apparently giving her an allowance so she can buy a bottle of wine to enjoy with her friends.

First - Despite what her parents say, she needs to go out and get a part time job. They are POTENTIALLY creating a monster who knows little about work eithics, finances, and sharing responsibilities.

Should she be spending money on you? Even if she had a part time job, at the end of the year you probably earn 4 to 6 times what she would make. Granted you have bills and she doesn't, so your disposable income would probably dwindle down to 2 to 3 times of what her disposible income is.

In all relationships someone is going to make more money than the other person. Different people handle it different ways. Finances is a huge issue that break many marriages, and this girl's parents are molding their daughter into expectations that will lead into relationship/partner disaster. I foresee several divorces in this girls future.

[basilandthyme]

I agree that her parents are encouraging an entitled attitude in her. However, this is her choice and something which you have no say over.

As far as feeling appreciated, I can see where you're coming from. But one can show appreciation without buying gifts. When she comes to visit you, does she ever suggest staying in so that she can cook for you? Has she ever sincerely thanked you for all you are doing to keep the relationship alive? Does she ever bring you a cup of coffee in bed?

If she does thoughtful things like this, then that's her way of showing appreciation. But if she sits around like an entitled princess, I'd advise you start reconsidering having her as a life partner.

[hgfirehazard]

Thanks to both of you for taking the time to reply. A few years ago she dropped out of college temporarily and she had a full time job. During that time she moved out into a modest apartment with another person. She was responsible for her portion of the rent, food, and a lot of the things she wanted. Her parents still paid for things like her car insurance and maintenance to the vehicle. Once she returned to school and returned home things reverted to the way they were.

At the end of the day I think what my request of her spending just a TINY bit of money on me is my way of saying I'm feeling second place to her friends and herself. I've said this directly lately as well and I'm just trying to find a way to relay that to her without bringing out the defensive side I constantly have to battle. She has a set time every week she goes and hangs out with one of her friends. We don't have that for a phone call, or Skype date. We tend to text or Facebook message off and on throughout the day but to me that's impersonal and really doesn't do enough to fill the distance gap. I need to hear her voice, or something. I've conveyed this as well.

When she came to visit over this summer she cooked a meal for me for when I walked into the door. This was awesome and I GREATLY appreciated it. However, on the last return from work of the summer I requested a meal that she didn't want and it turned into an ordeal. She wanted to make something else that she would want to eat. I can see how me arguing with someone cooking me a meal sounds petty, but I was under the impression that this was one of the only things I was getting from her in return for all I do and I felt I deserved to get ONE meal that I wanted.

Anything else in the relationship she seems to want eye for an eye. It's a huge struggle to get a back rub without having to give her one back. She doesn't like to just sit around the apartment and cuddle and watch tv. She gets bored. I express how tired I am after a long couple weeks of working and a 4 or so hour drive at the time really made we want a day of rest. A lot of the times I feel like I give and give for her and I'm not getting it back enough, and whenever I try and express that I'm the bad guy.

[Boisdevie]

So why not break up with her if she's not making you happy?

[hgfirehazard]

Well that's why I'm branching out looking for help. I'm looking for a way to work through this before giving up. 3 years isn't a really short amount of time invested and in any relationship things will get hard at some point. I'm willing to listen to others who may have better experience than I and try and make it through. Although I am getting close to the end of my rope, I'm not there yet.

[basilandthyme]

>>However, on the last return from work of the summer I requested a meal that she didn't want and it turned into an ordeal. She wanted to make something else that she would want to eat. I can see how me arguing with someone cooking me a meal sounds petty, but I was under the impression that this was one of the only things I was getting from her in return for all I do and I felt I deserved to get ONE meal that I wanted.<<

Sorry mate, I just lost my sympathy for you. Yes, it was very petty of you to cause a fuss about what YOU wanted to eat. Your behaviour was that which I would expect to see from a toddler.

In a family, dinner is usually cook's choice (unless of course, cook is married to a control freak) And the cook gets to choose meals which both people are happy to eat. As long as she doesn't serve food which she knows you hate, you should just sit down, shut up and be grateful. Personally, I don't care what's put in front of me - I'm just so grateful that someone makes the effort to give me a night off.

I wouldn't be surprised if your girlfriend hasn't offered to cook for you since then.

[IndiReloaded]

2-3 years is the 'make or break' time, actually. She sounds selfish and you can't fix selfish. I think there are many ways, even without spending money, to make a partner feel appreciated and, frankly, she's not making the effort for you. You sound very giving, so I think you should consider finding someone who will reciprocate your efforts.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3200_love.html

[hgfirehazard]

I'm not sure where the impression came from that we're married. We aren't. We aren't engaged either. We have discussed this as something we thought we would be doing at some point in the future.

In any case, I thank everyone for taking the time to voice their opinion. I haven't just visited the internet as the first resort, in our relationship I hear from time to time that I talk about problems TOO MUCH. I have tried to discuss and improve and fix problems over and over and over again.

I have a lot to consider, thank you.

[elphie]

I think it's difficult for people to understand what it's like to have little to no income unless they've experienced it themselves for an extended amount of time. For some people, tt sucks being dependent on someone else for financial support or being independent but not being able to go out and do traditional things because you want to be careful with how you spend money. It sounds like your girlfriend is going back to school and applying herself so she can finish her education, which should lead to a job. You said she had a full-time job before that and was paying for rent and whatnot, so it doesn't sound like she is spoiled. It also sounds like she is trying to do things without going out, like cooking. And yes, I think you are being very petty complaining about how upset you were that she wanted to cook something you would both like and not something only you would like. If spending money on things is bothering you, offer to do things that cost little to no money, like playing a board game, cooking something together, etc. It sounds like she was trying to do something nice and be thoughtful without having to spend a lot. As far as buying a bottle of wine for her friends for girls' night, I don't think that is being selfish. I don't know what circumstances her friends are in, but if they are working and making money, and she isn't, it gets difficult being the one without money. Was the bottle of wine really expensive? or was it an inexpensive bottle? I know friends who go out drinking with friends and drop $100 plus a night. So I think if your girlfriend buys an inexpensive bottle of wine (so she doesn't have to spend a ton of money on a night out or go out and not be able to spend anything because she doesn't have the money while everyone around her is spending money), that's ok. Even people with little to no income need to spend time with friends and be social.

[lylufy]

As I know, the financial disparity is never simple in relationship, especially in love.
Although you and your lover are very close and you're possible to pay for her, but that is not like parent feed up their children as responsibility.
You maybe must pay all for your child but not all for your wife. Therefor financial problem should be equal with both.
By this way, your love and your future married will be stable development.
From your story, I realise that:
Despite your modestly and hardly spending money, your GF still does not understand or sympathise to you.
Inspite of your saving a dime to pay for house - a stable future for both, she can not help or support you even by mental.
She is seem not to focus much her money to you though you treat her best.
Therefor, you should stop be wrong that way.
You must talk to her directly and clearly about your feeling, thought and future plan of finances, otherwise no longer your love will be destroyed.
Try talking polite and true and soft !
Wish you are easier to solve this !

[mrFrog]

We're hearing only one side of the story. And I don't think that your girlfriend is spoiled. The reason is she did the right things with financial issue in the past when she had a job. But I think now it's the problem of lifestyle. You have a job and she's still a student. She lives like a typical student. Hang out with friend, drink wines... anything makes fun and don't care much about money... While you think about future life, about a house and even a family. We call this the gap of lifestyle or the age gap. Although many of us face to this kind of problem but with different results. They depend on the adtitude of the partners.
With your case, does she feel you money is easy money? Do you feel take advantage of? I sympathy with you because of noone want to invest time and money into a relationship that goes nowhere. Therefore, you should strike up a discussion about this as soon as possible. Besides, you need to talk about the "second place" of you, too. She's still a little bit a child. But she musts learn to grow up.