Should I be worried that my BF keeps checking out his ex?

[janexxx]

Ok so my boyfriend is 48 and I'm 41 we have been together for 4 years and living together for 1 year. However, I found him looking at photos of his ex on facebook when I looked at his search history he is doing this 2/3 times a week. They are no longer friends on fb so all he can see is a few photos of her - infact their relationship ended badly so they no longer see or talk to one another. She blocked him on FB but he set up a dummy account just so he can check out her profile. I've tried speaking to him about how he feels about her and does he miss her but he just keeps saying no and he loves me. Should I be worried about this?

THanks x

[smackie9]

You have been together for 4 years and he is still hung up on his ex? Tell him there is only room for two not three people in your relationship. Maybe suggest some counseling, because it's obvious he hasn't had closure so he is having trouble letting go.

[janexxx]

Thanks for quick reply - smackie9 - yes thats pretty much what I thought only trouble is he doesnt know that I check his history so having a chat would would mean me owning up to that - supose it serves me right for spying!!

[reeba]

What are you doing spying on your boyfriend's FB accounts? What prompted you to do that? Something must be going on that caused you to start spying.

It is normal for someone to occassionally think about someone they once knew - friends, classmates, exes - and wonder what they are up to. But two or three times a week is NOT normal.

You need to talk to your boyfriend, and unfortunately be prepared to leave. Basically anyone still pining after an ex after being with you for 4 years, isn't really into you.

When you have this talk, you better figure out a way to do it without letting him know about your FB spying. Because there is a HUGE POTENTIAL that he will just turn the talk into a fight, turn you into the evil untrusting one, and make it as an excuse to blame all your relationship problems on you.

[smackie9]

Read her other post...he is also emailing other women on swinger sites...


Tisk tisk on you janexxx for not revealing that information here. What's wrong with you? You just looking for us to tell you what you want to hear? It's a hard cold reality sister...you need to leave this asshole.

[Illusional]

he can't let go of the past....


raverboy

[Wakeup]

Why are you so freaking worried at this point that he'll think you're the bad guy for spying? Who gives a flying fk what he thinks. He's going to definately put it back on you because that's what disingenuious asswipes do to take the heat off of themeselves. You're naive enough (by the sounds of things) that you'd let him carry the conversation away from the topic at hand and make your spying the focus. He's doing something wrong, why are you so afraid to put a stop to this through either communication or outright ending the relationship. If he's still creeping her page and he's emailing woman on swinger sites then you are a convenience that he's too set in his ways to leave. Seems you're in the same predicament.. set in your ways and willing to put up with his horseshit and just whine here about it instead of actually taking some gurl ball action and trying to put a stop to it.

Stay with him and accept his "habits" or leave him and find someone who doesn't need the attention of multiple women in order to feel whole.

*To add: You've been whining about this guy here for almost a year now. Shit or get off the pot because if you continue your whine but do nothing about it then why TF do you keep asking us what you should do only to not do it? Learn to live with it because it's quite obvious that you're too afraid to live without him.

[janexxx]

Wakeup - although I appreciate your advice life really is not that black and white. Firstly after the swinger thing we did split up and he moved out, however, he was totally floored. I had him crying on my doorstep, he wrote me letters, sent me emails...... anyway after a lot of talking I decided to give him another chance - yes maybe I was stupid but at the end of the day I do love him and he was so sorry. I dont care what he thinks about me spying in fact when I owned up to him that I had been he never once held that against me or brought it up. Also there are children involved so not always that easy - I am not afraid to live on my own I just want to be certain I am making the right decision.

[blue102]

Nah don't be worried. I've been happily married 10 years and I still regularly check out my ex's Facebook, just out of curiosity.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup - although I appreciate your advice life really is not that black and white. Firstly after the swinger thing we did split up and he moved out, however, he was totally floored. I had him crying on my doorstep, he wrote me letters, sent me emails...... anyway after a lot of talking I decided to give him another chance - yes maybe I was stupid but at the end of the day I do love him and he was so sorry. I dont care what he thinks about me spying in fact when I owned up to him that I had been he never once held that against me or brought it up. Also there are children involved so not always that easy - I am not afraid to live on my own I just want to be certain I am making the right decision.

In this instance your history of being with a man that you are not happy with makes your particular situation VERY black and white, janexxxx. Your man is a liar who after already being confronted by you, chose to continue to do exactly the same thing once again. You enable him to be this man who is addicted to staring at an ex (which means he still cares about her) and chatting with other women because he now knows that all he has to do is cry and you'll cave and take him back without him having to clean up his act. He suffered no consequences for his actions except a few crocodile tears that quickly dried up only for him to go right back to who he is.

As for you worrying about how he'll feel about you spying. It is YOU that said you were worried about him thinking less of you for being the snoop that he's turned you into... you only revealed (bs?) that he didn't throw your snooping back at you after you were challenged about actually worrying about it. So when you asked him why he felt the need to keep looking at his exes page, what did he tell you?

At the end of the day, "love" is not nearly enough to make a relationship a happy and healthy one as you've personally discovered. Now, do you think your children don't see how unhappy you are with having to cope with his emotional infidelity and addiction to chatting with women other than you? No need to answer here but do think about it.

If you give him yet another chance before he's gotten the therapy he needs to understand why he keeps doing this shit, then you can expect to live this life and no matter what advice we here give you, if you don't do anything with it then nothing will change for you. That is the true black and white of it.

[Wakeup]

Nah don't be worried. I've been happily married 10 years and I still regularly check out my ex's Facebook, just out of curiosity.

Just because you do it too, (which means you're no where near the state of indifference to him) doesn't mean she shouldn't worry about it. Did you read her history with this man?

Happily married? That's NOT what you said in your own thread:

I'm quasi-happily married with kids.

When you're still looking to see what an ex is doing after 10 years and your addicted to chatting to another man (thus taking your focus from your union) then you have an obsession that you should probably wean yourself off from.

[LostInVegas]

Great detective work officer Wakeup.

[Wakeup]

... Thanks, Capt'n! Just like the terminator... it's good to see you're bock!

[bcgirl]

Facebook has become the number one way ppl cheat. Statistically ppl creep onto their ex's Facebook page a lot just out of curiosity or whatever. From the fact that he does this 3 times a week and chatting to swingers etc. seems like he is a real catch *sarcasm*. Do u perhaps think maybe he hooked up with u at his most emotionally low time? U either need to get over it and move on or dump him. If u ask him he will tell u of course he is not hung up on his ex. Who would admit the truth?

[michelle23]

Wakeup - although I appreciate your advice life really is not that black and white. Firstly after the swinger thing we did split up and he moved out, however, he was totally floored. I had him crying on my doorstep, he wrote me letters, sent me emails...... anyway after a lot of talking I decided to give him another chance - yes maybe I was stupid but at the end of the day I do love him and he was so sorry. I dont care what he thinks about me spying in fact when I owned up to him that I had been he never once held that against me or brought it up. Also there are children involved so not always that easy - I am not afraid to live on my own I just want to be certain I am making the right decision.

crocodile tears wouldn't work on me. I would have kicked him off my doorstep and told him he has ten seconds to get off my property before I hire a hitman to shoot his dishonest, disloyal ass. Kids or no kids-who the f needs a man like that? Not me anyway

btw hes still in love with his ex and he settled for you.. kick him out