Codependency, yay!

**searock** · 18-11-12, 07:19 PM

I agree with dickriculous, sadly most of the guys who do that mean it in a "you deserve so much better, I don't even know you/am your doormat but you are so special, I have pictures I took of you when I follow you home every day plastered all over my room and I masturbate to them every time I can, please go out with me and smile at me or even just breathe the air I'm breathing, you are my life", which is creepy and desperately sad. So yeah, the actual nice guys get overshadowed by those sad guys in the end.

If a guy came up to me and told me "hey don't date that guy, he's an asshole", I would instinctively think two things: a) he's implicitly saying "don't date him, date me"; b) he's implicitly saying "your judgement sucks and you're a silly girl and I need to "save" you with my manly superior judgement". Both of which make me want to stay away from him. If I'm the one asking him for advice, then it's ok.

**vashti** · 18-11-12, 09:20 PM

On the other hand, if a woman told me to avoid dating a man, I would probably be more cautious.

**IndiReloaded** · 19-11-12, 12:48 AM

Originally Posted by searock

I agree with dickriculous, sadly most of the guys who do that mean it in a "you deserve so much better, I don't even know you/am your doormat but you are so special, I have pictures I took of you when I follow you home every day plastered all over my room and I masturbate to them every time I can, please go out with me and smile at me or even just breathe the air I'm breathing, you are my life", which is creepy and desperately sad. So yeah, the actual nice guys get overshadowed by those sad guys in the end.

If a guy came up to me and told me "hey don't date that guy, he's an asshole", I would instinctively think two things: a) he's implicitly saying "don't date him, date me"; b) he's implicitly saying "your judgement sucks and you're a silly girl and I need to "save" you with my manly superior judgement". Both of which make me want to stay away from him. If I'm the one asking him for advice, then it's ok.

That's interesting. If a guy I knew told me this, I'd at least consider it. I'd also consider that *he* was an asshole too but it really depends on how he told me.

Well, it was just an idea for you guys who were maybe casual friends with a girl who seemed to be going for an ass. We are all responsible for our own choices in dating.

**Love'sReject** · 19-11-12, 02:45 AM

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

We are all responsible for our own choices in dating.

Not necessarily; not all of us have free will in dating (or not). Some are just predestined to fail, like myself for example.

**dickriculous** · 19-11-12, 05:33 AM

Originally Posted by IndiReloaded

That's interesting. If a guy I knew told me this, I'd at least consider it. I'd also consider that *he* was an asshole too but it really depends on how he told me.

Well, it was just an idea for you guys who were maybe casual friends with a girl who seemed to be going for an ass. We are all responsible for our own choices in dating.

Here's my thing, when I'm in the situation of "that guy" I will listen and show interest and ask her about him, what she sees in him, what she wishes she could change (only if I know her well otherwise this question just makes most women uncomfortable from my experience), if she sees herself staying with him longterm/forever or what she sees in their future, etc. The most direct I will ever get is asking "do you feel like he treats you or appreciates you the way you deserve?" And that can branch out into a new series of questions and conversation. Again, only if I know her well as this is another question that, from my experience, women can be uncomfortable about answering truthfully unless they know you well.

But I won't say anything judgmental about him, mostly for reasons I mentioned in my last post.

In other words, I approach the situation by listening more than I talk. Sometimes you do get her to talk her way into realizing or admitting what a dick he is and that's more effective than trying to tell her outright, sometimes you don't but then I don't see how telling her would've been any more effective anyway as she most likely had her mind made up before you spoke to her in the first place.

**Love'sReject** · 19-11-12, 05:37 AM

Frankly, I think a girl too stupid to leave a clear asshole is too stupid to do anything with. I don't even think such stupid girls are worth having as friends.

**HeartIsAching** · 19-11-12, 05:41 AM

It often isn't that they're stupid. More often it's because they've been reared to believe that they're supposed to fix everything, and if they can't fix it, it's their fault.

Add on top of that, abusive assholes are very good at blaming others.

**Love'sReject** · 19-11-12, 05:45 AM

Hm, I hadn't considered that...Good point.

**searock** · 19-11-12, 05:47 AM

A stranger once hit on me by asking questions and listening to my answers (bet he read that in a PUA forum or something). When I told him I have a boyfriend, instead of backing off he started asking questions about him, insinuating things like "why isn't he here with you right now? Why does he leave you alone like this? Do you know where he is? Are you sure?" and so on. He was trying to make me say that I am not happy in the relationship and that I don't trust my bf. I found that irritating and offensive, and he made me uncomfortable.

Also, I once witnessed a friend of mine getting hit on by another guy, a friend of her friend. His "technique" was basically to make her feel really insecure. He would say stuff like "Oh I know you very well, you are indecisive when it comes to guys, you are afraid of getting hurt, that's why you inevitably end up alone, you are hopeless". He acted like a perfect asshole. My friend just couldn't wait to get the hell away from him.

What's up with these guys? Do they really think acting like assholes will get them laid?

**HeartIsAching** · 19-11-12, 05:52 AM

Dunno... but I used to use the opposite approach - Tell them how attractive they were and such... and it only worked on women that were secure. Insecure women would just assume I was lying to get into their pants.

I could see how the opposite could be effective on insecure women.

**searock** · 19-11-12, 05:53 AM

Well the guy who hit on me did start off by giving me compliments, that's when I told him I have a boyfriend and he started being a jerk by insinuating stuff about him.

As for my friend, she was almost brought to tears by that ass. I was like, what the hell is he doing?!

**Love'sReject** · 19-11-12, 05:53 AM

Yes, it does work for them. Guys don't do what doesn't work, ya know.

**HeartIsAching** · 19-11-12, 05:55 AM

Originally Posted by Love'sReject

Yes, it does work for them. Guys don't do what doesn't work, ya know.

How the **** would you know?

**searock** · 19-11-12, 05:56 AM

Originally Posted by Love'sReject

Yes, it does work for them. Guys don't do what doesn't work, ya know.

What HIA said... also, it did not work, in both the cases I mentioned, obviously.

**Love'sReject** · 19-11-12, 06:28 AM

Oh, please, siding with the womanbeater?

Thread: Codependency, yay!

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