In a relationship but she stays with someone else!!

[sumb26]

Okay guys,

Here's the story.

I was online once on a dating website when this girl out of no where messaged me. She is from USA while I am in a different country. We had a nice little chat about my & her interests & how much she loves my country & history etc.

After a few more small chats & emails She told me that she has been to my country a few times & she even has a few friends here. She even asked me if I would like to meet Shane (name changed) who happens to be in the same profession as I am. But I just didn't feel like meeting him.

One fine day, She informed me that she is coming here for a short business trip & asked my contact so we can meet.

And finally I got the opportunity to meet her. And boy I totally fell for her. She was soo gorgeous,innocent & friendly. A girl who I always wanted to date.

Let me be honest, I lack confidence, probably because my English is bad & so does my looks. I have a lot of facial scars caused by acne. So I always lacked the confidence to meet girls. In fact she was the first girl who I ever met as a date. But she made me feel so comfortable & never let me realize my shortcomings & we had a really nice evening. While I was with her, Shane kept calling her asking for her whereabouts & wanted to be in constant touch. She then told me that she is single currently & told me about her past relationship which lasted for 7 years that ended 4 years back. She also said that she's staying at Shane's apartment because of free accommodation & he is like an elder brother to him even though she admitted that Shane has feelings for her & they got in touch through dating website.

The following morning, She emailed me saying that was the best evening she ever had in the city & she said that I was very sweet & cute. That is when I got a bit of more confidence & called her again if we can meet to which she immediately agreed. This time when I met her, She said that she had to be back at the apartment within 4 hours as Shane was suppose to take her out for a movie, I was like totally pissed off with this Shane but I couldn't do or say much. But we still had a nice 4 hours enjoyed in a coffee shop & took a walk by the water. And that was it. I dropped her back to the apartment, She gave me a hug & flew back to states the next morning. That was our last meeting.

For the next few days we were completely out of touch as she had some interviews while I got busy with work. But then she emailed me 1 day thanking me for the nice time we had. and we got back in touch again. She even called me from the states a few times asking me about my health. I really liked how caring she was for me all this time.

I finally said it in our chat that I really liked her & if I had the chance I would've kissed her, But I was scared to do it as I was afraid to lose her even as a friend. But she said that she really liked me too and she would've let me do it if I wanted to. I got soo happy. Only thing which bothered me throughout was closeness with Shane & the fact the she stayed at his apartment. So I asked her if she really see Shane as her elder brother.

She admitted, That she too had feelings for Shane once & even though she knows that Shane cares for her a lot, She thinks that he still can't get over his previous relationship & is carrying it like a baggage which she doesn't like. She didn't feel like going into all these details on our first 2 meets so she just told me the bottom line that she only see him as a friend & elder brother.

Now she told me that she might be coming back here in about 2-3 months time, And because its free stay, She'll be staying at Shane's apartment. I am not sure how I should react to this? Can a person who once had feelings for someone, Can really see the same guy/girl as brother/sister?

Also I have seen a lot of her pics on FB where Shane is also tagged, And their togetherness is not something I see between a bro & sis. Not that they are getting any intimate or something, But still I am not really sure. She even showed me a lot & lot of Shane pics in her cell phone when we met. Plus their common friends sometimes reply on their pics as "There's nothing like young love" etc. Now I don't know any of Shane or this girl's common friends. I just know very less about this girl who I met her twice for few hours & I like her a lot. That's it.

I really feel jealous whenever she talks about Shane. I just don't know how to react. Neither I could sponsor her hotel stay nor I could invite her to stay at my apartment as I don't know how my family will react to this. Moreover she is still active every day on the dating website. What could be her intention? If she really likes me then why does she have to be on the dating site anymore?

Maybe whatever I am saying is coming across as a close-minded person. But that's the feeling which I am not liking. I really want to trust my partner completely. She is sweet enough to send me her pics whenever I ask her & doesn't even put on FB as I want them to be with me exclusively so she never shares them with anyone.

Please please tell me how should I react to this situation?

Extremely sorry for this long post & thanks in advance for all the help/comments.

Thanks

[Evo1114]

Wow. It sounds like she is obsessed with this 'Shane' person...why in the world would she show you all those pictures? I wonder if 'Shane' is actually her ex. Whatever the case, it really sounds like she is using you to make this dude jealous. And really I don't think you can pursue a healthy relationship with this girl with this guy in the picture.

[smackie9]

It's obvious she is actively dating so she can find more free accommodations wherever she goes. She uses her looks to take advantage of dudes like you. Don't fall for her or you will end up learning the hard way.

Here's a tip: If it seems too good to be true then it is.

[searock]

She isn't your "partner", you two aren't exclusive. She certainly isn't, at least. If you want to be in a serious relationship with her, you need to communicate it to her. Then set the ground rules.

[Saya]

Are you sure that you two are in a relationship?
Because sounds like you are not...


If you are in the relationship with her then she would take her profile off from the dating site.
Also she wouldn't stay with her male friend.

But yes if you liked someone once in the past, most likely you'll like that person again.

[basilandthyme]

sumb, does she know that she's in a relationship with you? Have the two of you agreed not to see anyone else? Has she listed you as her parter on Facebook? It's just that I think she'd be a little crazy to commit to someone who's in another country.

[Negan]

My brother, tell her to stay at YOUR place. Be a ****ing man

[smackie9]

My brother, tell her to stay at YOUR place. Be a ****ing man

The problem with that is he isn't thinking with his penis.

[sumb26]

^^ Thank you for all the replies.

Just one question, Even though Shane still has feelings for her & doesn't see her as his "Sister" she said that she see him (Shane) only as his elder brother now (though she admitted that she too once had feelings for him). She could've even said a "Friend" yet she chose to say "Brother". Yet I shouldn't believe her?

And I still can't understand why does she still have to be active every day on the dating site even if she's actually dating Shane & just playing me? Or is she playing both of us?

[smackie9]

What's your first clue.....she gets free accommodation. She is actively dating period. She is either not interested in something serious or she is looking for fresh meat so she has free accommodations. Shane probably buys her stuff, etc because he thinks it's serious with her....she has both of you sucked in.

[sumb26]

She looks so innocent. My heart fails to believe she could be playing me. She is a doctor & a bit of bulky (close to be called fat) & I thought only the most pretty girls usually play with someone's emotions. :-(

What should I do next? Should I ask her to stop being on dating site anymore? Stop meeting Shane? She could still make another ID and be active on the dating site, She could still be meeting Shane & I would never know about it as I can't keep an eye on her 24/7. I don't even want to do that. I don't want to be a possessive boyfriend. I want to have my full faith in whoever I would date. I always wanted a girl who I could love (not talking about only physical love here) with all honesty.

Please advise me what I should do from here?

[Saya]

You are not her boyfriend so you can't tell her not to see Shane or delete her profile off dating site.

[sumb26]

^^ True. I agree!

So I have no other option to either accept her & her relationship with Shane (which I am not sure if its only as bro-sis or BF-GF) as it is or end this relationship?

[searock]

I thought only the most pretty girls usually play with someone's emotions. :-(

Oh man.

You should tell her that you want to be in an exclusive relationship with her. You want to be her boyfriend and want her to be your girlfriend, which means that she can date no-one else, and she has to close her dating profile. If she agrees, then you'll be in a relationship with her. Until then, you're just another guy she's dating.

[reeba]

Some girls like to collect lots of male friends. Let me emphasize, these are straight male friends who are all in the 'friend zone'. Basically these guys have a fatal flaw which make them undateable in the girl's eyes, but at the same time if the girl ever gave them an opening for a fling, the guys would take it in a heartbeat. They are guys after all.

Why these girls like to collect male friends is a mystery in itself. I'm one of them. But I blame it on the fact I grew up the only girl in the neighborhood, have 6 brothers, and was in a profession that is male dominated. Guys are interesting, girls are boring. I switched careers to a female dominated career and I never go to lunch with my coworkers because I hate what they talk about. Personally I wish I wasn't this way, because guys who are interested in dating me find it confusing that my best friends are male.

With all the posts - 'Am I in the friend zone' and all the replies saying 'It is extrememly difficult to get out of the friend zone'. The first question is ..... are these two in the friend zone and you are jealous. The second question is ..... are you in the friend zone and too inexperienced to figure it out.