I have a lot to say:
I am still in high school and have yet to date before. I am into philosophy. I used to be kinda weighty and somewhat uncaring in my hygiene. I typically wore dress shoes, dress pants and button-downs: the school has a dress code. But I still wasn't doing much with my looks.
I have been asked out before but I have never done it myself and I have never seriously talked to anyone about some "momentary" affection. However, recently, I got into a conversation with a petite girl who is in the same grade as myself. Her boyfriend had recently broken up with her and she wanted to know if anyone knew anything about psychology. I said I might and started answering her questions and looking at her purposefully. Her and everyone else seated at a table in study hall were impressed. It was a small table with a group of about 4 friends and her.
I really liked talking to her. I cannot describe my immense love for philosophy and having no one to talk to save: "reason is naive" or "love does not have a definition." I cannot talk to anyone save professors from colleges through pod casts and etc. I did not think much of the conversation really. I just new I liked it and was angry when the bell rang. I went to a costume party the following weekend and I saw her there. That's when I explicitly noticed her petite-ness and my affection towards her.
There are a lot of girls in my school with big butts, bosoms, etc. But her short height and womanly features seemed to be romantically exaggerated in my mind. They seemed to be stressed everywhere. She is friendly to me and she is friendly to everyone.
When I left the party I new I had feelings for her. I mean this honestly, without the bromide: I was thinking about her all night. I could not sleep. I am a philosophically-honest man. I do not hide gaps in my thinking and she became my thinking. I decided to talk to her the following Monday. I had thought about everything I wanted to say to her. I had researched and read all over the internet.
On the Monday I sat by her on the bleachers. We were in the gym for study hall that day. She was sitting by our usual group. I sat by her and offered her and my friends some gum. I made sure I was clean and wore a nice jacket. I started to talk to her about her feelings. She had a 6 month relationship with her previous boyfriend and it was very serious. They even got sexual. He broke up with her and continued to flirt and grab her in school. And every time she asked him why he broke it off it, he would say: "You wouldn't understand" or "I could not stand the arguing." The arguing was a result of his lying to her so he could hang with friends.
I later formed my own conclusion of why he broke up with her but I don't think that's relevant. Anyway I talked to her about her future career and she showed me pictures of her ex and I tried to help her. She complimented me by saying I am good with "psychology" and "philosophy." Etc. It was about 30-38 minutes of talking. I decided to tell her how I felt at the last 5 minutes of study hall. What I said was:
"I want to tell you something."
She said: "Alright" then arched her back and her countenance shifted neutrally from the smiles and direct eye contact she was giving me for half and hour.
"I like talking to you and being around you-"
"I just want to go bowling." She explains how she was going bowling that day and how she just wanted to do it with her friend. She already mentioned it before. I proceeded with:
"Well, maybe, just me and you can hang out and talk about anything you want, sometime."
"That's fine." Then she listed days when she was not working and I have since forgot those days and am angry for it.
"I hope I did not make you uncomfortable."
"No, it's fine."
I did not feel rejected or anything. I felt respect and I started to rationalize in-congruently. I was thinking about how it went wrong so-to-speak. She was a somewhat frequent victim of being asked out by what she called "manwhores" and etc which she thought were trying to take advantage of her. I thought so too since I was familiar with the men. I thought that, to her, I might have come off as someone who was trying to "understand her" then to "take advantage of that trust."
The following weeks and days I had class with her were obstructed by some school closing or half-day or something. I am not kidding. For about a month. I have been thinking about it and what-not. My friend respected me for what I did. He, being an existentialist, he thought I was incapable of anything. On the Monday I asked her out, I started "P90X" which I had tried this summer but quit. I was going to do it no matter what she said to me. I have since (about 25 days) went from 165 pounds to 142 pounds at 5' 7". And I have improved my athleticism and style-fashion.
The changes in my physical appearance have been an ostentatious silence to everyone. I am about to head into month two of P90X. Friends, classmates and teachers have complimented on my style and I think my closer friends who would jokingly mock me before have stopped. People are quiet around me or are welcoming.
The girl who I told my feelings to has been a little shy or quiet in her conversations to me. Especially lately. I have tried to avoid looking at her/talking to her because I felt I should give her space. She was not very talkative to me in the same manner. I told my friend quietly once that I would eventually get her and my striving for her affection has not changed. But I do not look in her direction and I try not to start conversations with her though I really want to.
Today, in gym, I was wearing very short running shorts and a v-neck. My friend who used to make fun of me in every way did not say much of it. Some people looked at it and laughed then said they liked it and nothing changed in our foot-ball game in the gym. During the class she tried to stray away from me and I caught her looking at me when I turned a lot. I was able to even throw the ball to her in the game. I also caught her applying lip-balm or lipstick and she was looking at me from a-far. The whole time she was avoiding me. But it was very obvious today. She has even started going up the same stairs as I do and walks past me really fast when we get to the hall and does not look at me.
Then after 5th period I walked down the stairs on my way to lunch. I started for the last stairs to the cafeteria and she ran in front of me with a *cough* grumble noise that sounds like something out of a movie. I was behind her and continued to walk to my table and she was trying to turn around and trying to look forward moving really fast. I didn't say anything to her but now I wonder if I should have said "hi."
What I want to know is if she might like me and might be shy or if she is trying to avoid me and thinks I am a weirdo. I looked on the internet and a lot of articles say most likely the woman is shy but none of them included the man telling the woman directly how he "liked to be around her."
It is then I decided to join this forum to get feedback from women. What should I do? Am I exaggerating? Should I wait? Should I talk to her on Monday? If I don't will I lose her interest? Anything. Please. Any comments.
If there are any specific details I left out that need to be answered please tell me. I know completely what I like about this girl. My judgment could be wrong in the fact that her gait, posture and expressions are not true to her view of life and her values. What I like in her are her eyes. This is not some platitude or some wishy-romantic babble. When I talked to her I admired the honesty of her eyes. By honest I mean: wanting to learn and talk. Someone who does not give up on thinking. Please respond.
Thank You.