Moving forward & forgetting the past - need some tips

[zaccarus]

Hi guys & gals,

Can you give me some pointers? Me and my girlfriend have taken a break from a long term relationship due to issues but we have both said that we want to move it forward again. Trouble is that I can’t seem to let go of the past and am still possessive of her and very paranoid about her true feelings/actions. In the cold light of day and logically thinking I know that if she didn’t want to be with me then she wouldn’t be and the fact that she wants to try again should be enough for me to believe her. Problem is I can’t stop the paranoia. What can I do to get this negativity out of my head?

Please don't just say 'man-up' as it really isn't as easy as that!

Ta for your help.

[Boisdevie]

Man up yer big jessie.

OK I'll be serious. Any relationship where you need to 'take a break' in my mind in a relationship that's doomed unless these 'issues' have been dealt with.

[jeejee]

What about Ross and Rachel, they took a break and he even pumped that bitch from the copy shop. Six series down the line. Cunts are back together with a baby. Hardly doomed.

[surfhb]

Hi guys & gals,

Can you give me some pointers? Me and my girlfriend have taken a break from a long term relationship due to issues but we have both said that we want to move it forward again. Trouble is that I can’t seem to let go of the past and am still possessive of her and very paranoid about her true feelings/actions. In the cold light of day and logically thinking I know that if she didn’t want to be with me then she wouldn’t be and the fact that she wants to try again should be enough for me to believe her. Problem is I can’t stop the paranoia. What can I do to get this negativity out of my head?

Please don't just say 'man-up' as it really isn't as easy as that!

Ta for your help.

Maybe seek some advice from a third party and learn from thier experience? Thats what ive always done. Hard to say exactly since we've all been in tricky relationship situation yet most everyone seems to make it out alive. It all depends on the individual on how it's handled. I know you don't want to hear it but it's your decision to get over it or not....others can only offer advice based on thier experience. So man up!!

[zaccarus]

Maybe seek some advice from a third party and learn from thier experience?

Thanks for the response but this is kinda why I asked in here...

[VincenzoG91]

Hi guys & gals,

Can you give me some pointers? Me and my girlfriend have taken a break from a long term relationship due to issues but we have both said that we want to move it forward again. Trouble is that I can’t seem to let go of the past and am still possessive of her and very paranoid about her true feelings/actions. In the cold light of day and logically thinking I know that if she didn’t want to be with me then she wouldn’t be and the fact that she wants to try again should be enough for me to believe her. Problem is I can’t stop the paranoia. What can I do to get this negativity out of my head?

Please don't just say 'man-up' as it really isn't as easy as that!

Ta for your help.

You admit that you have some issues: possessiveness, distrust, and an inability to let go of the past. Breaking up didn't solve those issues. Getting back together didn't solve those issues. Admitting these problems is a good starting point, but you are probably going to need professional help to get any further in the short-term. See a therapist, or maybe seek couples counseling if your girlfriend has done anything to actually cause your anxieties, like cheating on you.

[surfhb]

Thanks for the response but this is kinda why I asked in here...

Your only question is you need advice to get over this paranoia.....its rather vague. Sorry if i wasnt clear...seek out a friend or someone you look up to or a therapist to get you over this.....at least thats what I would do

[jeejee]

Hate to piss in everyones pool here, but in england, people dont go to therapists for shite like this. The only people that get therapy, are people that actually need it. Not some daft teenager who cant control his bird. No wonder yank therapists all drive about in ****ing BMW's.

[VincenzoG91]

In America, it's only socially acceptable to see a therapist if you live on the east or west coast, and in those places, it's something that people almost brag about.

[Wakeup]

Me and my girlfriend have taken a break from a long term relationship due to issues but we have both said that we want to move it forward again.

But what did you both do to resolve these "issues" you talk about? If you did nothing then it's easy to see why you "can't let go of the past." The best time to let things go is when they no longer exist.

[Daya]

Hi zaccarus
Reading your post it made me wonder if your girlfriend had cheated on you or if you have brought your possessiveness with you in to your relationship. As you have not worked with your issues they are still there and they will keep popping up adding distrust in the relationship.

My experience is that a relationship which is not build on trust will not succeed, no matter how much the partners in it feel they love one another.

Man Up, is so easy to say and it is not always as easy as that. As others have suggested, my advice is for you to seek out help to deal with your past issues, so that you can let go of them or you will end up not just destroying this relationships but others to come.

Love Daya

[steviej]

Thread is useless without details! How can we give advice when you don't give us anything to advise on?

[traidoradotnet]

From what I understand, you have not settle things up yet that's why you can't get yourself a closure. Why not talk to her and tell her everything she should know. Ask her if she wants you guys to give it one more try, if she declined then that's the answer to your problem. You can't stay in love with her and forget that you have a life of your own. Forgetting the past starts when you want to believe on your future.

[zaccarus]

Thanks for the replies, I have deliberately left out the full history as a) it's so long and b) it's rather boring to read!

Just to clarify a couple of points, yes she had an affair and yes we have addressed the reasons for this - it was basically based around on lack of communication. We have both stated we want to try and rebuild our relationship and have both said what it is that we need for this. I have said I need her support and basically need her to blow smoke up my arse and make me feel special to her and loved by her, and she has just said I need to grow some balls.

I lost my temperature with her about this and have thrown the ball into her court. I am willing to try and compromise to make things work so it's now up to her if she wants to put into our relationship what I need out of it. Yes I need to trust her and have made great inroads into this over the past few days as I have realized that if she didn't want to be with then she wouldn't say she wanted to rebuild. There is another insecurity that I have but I have also laid it out and told her what I need from her when this situation arises.

[steviej]

She's cheated, relationship is over.

It's like a cancer, at first you try and battle through it, putting a brave face on it, pretending everything is ok and can return to normal. But underneath it's eating you up, making you bitter, insecure and causing resentment.
This will spread and slowly kill the relationship.

Face up to it and bin this cheating skiprat sooner rather than later.