Need advice my heart is breaking - long post

[struggling1]

Hey all,

First off I'm new here but so need some advice from people who don't know me so it can be as honest or brutal as you like.

This is going to be quite lengthy but please read it as I really need the help.

I have been in a relationship with my girlfriend for 6 and a half years but have known each other for 10. We lived separately to begin with but after about 18 months decided to give it a go and she moved into mine. This worked and she eventually sold her place and then I sold mine and we bought a place together so that we could have a family together (I all ready have 2 kids from a previous marriage whilst she doesn't).

Things didn't go well and I brushed it off and made very blase comments about it, little did I know but she was really hung up on it and I made her feel completely rejected. She said about putting it on the back burner whilst she focused on a hobby hers so I knew nothing about how fanatical she had become about it and how she was truly feeling.

This rejection led to her messing around with a couple of guys from her work and I ended up finding out about it. Obviously this completely destroyed me as up until that point I though that we had the perfect relationship.

I lost all belief in her and in the early days questioned who she was seeing at work etc. This eased slightly but not to a great extent as I didn't feel that I was getting any support from her, in fact her stock phrase that seemed to get said constantly was "I just want us to forget this and go back to how we were". I said it would take a long time for me to start trusting in her again and she put a time limit on it and then over a week brought it forward from 6 months to 1. This destroyed me as I had hoped that she was going to support me as I wanted to forgive her and work on our future.

This led me to moving out and renting a place. Things started to improve and we would see each other regularly and started to rebuild our relationship. She continued to go out on a regular basis drinking after work and each time it would raise my demons and we would have a falling out as I don't trust her. This would lead to tears (on both sides) but after a few days we would be in each others arms again. Skip forward 3 months and this happened at least once a month.

In the end she said it was too much for her and I agreed as it was too much for me to. We had a frank chat about what we both needed to make our relationship work. She said that she needed me to stop mentioning the past and "slamming it in her face" whilst I said that she needed to try and re-build my trust in her and give me a bit of consideration.

It really cleared the air and we said that it was a break through. So much so that we booked a last minute break and went away for a week. We did have one fall out but that was me getting the arse with her as she was adamant that she wanted to sing "our song" on karaoke even though she was fully aware that it brought back bad memories for me.

Things were okish when we got back but I knew something was on her mind and I had to force it out of her as she is a closed book when it comes to emotions and she admitted that she was scared of the future and was unsure about when I should move back in. This was in October and I wasn't planning on going back until January. This shocked me as at the beginning she wanted me to move back in whilst it was me who said that I wasn't ready.

This led to an argument of sorts where I laid things on the line for her as I had stopped mentioning the past and tried to have faith in her, I say faith as she still hasn't done anything to try and rebuild my trust. She apologised for not supporting me and said that she would take my issues into account and would do anything that she could to try and help me trust in her again.

This was on Thursday. On Friday she went out drinking after work, I was fully aware of this and offered to pick her up from the station. In the past this has been around half 11. I told her that I would have the odd moment when I would worry about what she was up to but would try and cope. She finally messaged me at 11pm saying she was just heading for the station and then called at midnight to say that she was about to get on the train. The train got in at ten past one. I hadn't heard from her all night and then for her to be as late as this made me really question what she had said the previous night about supporting me and taking my feelings into consideration.

We have spoken as I can't go on feeling like this and she said that she can't go on hurting me. The tears have been non-stop on both sides since and we have decided that we need some time apart to try and get our heads straight.

Sorry for the long post but thought I'd get across as much info as I could - now this is where I need your advice.... I say this as today I have become more and more angry as all I needed from her was some consideration and compromise. She knows I have issues when she goes out drinking and I do struggle when she does but "let her" as I know it would only build resentment if she didn't. I think that she should have messaged me a couple of times through-out the evening and gotten back earlier. Is this too much to ask?

I love her and know that she loves me but why can't she try and help me overcome my demons instead of making them worse?!? Is it just me as if the situation was reversed I would be doing anything that I could to try and get her trust back - almost to the point of giving her a minute-by-minute update when I went out drinking.

Like I said please be as honest and/or brutal as you like as I really need it.

[ttylox]

"Is this too much to ask?" - no, you shouldn't have to ask for that.
"why does she not help me overcome my demons instead of making them worse?" - because she's having a good time and you're taking it up the arse.

My guess is that she thinks asking for forgiveness is much easier than asking permission. So she'll come home whenever she pleases, after hanging out wherever and with whomever she pleases and then she'll give you some sob story about how sorry she is and you'll just forgive her until she does some other asinine, hurtful thing.

If my boyfriend wanted to go out drinking with his co-workers after he admittedly hooked up with some of them - I'd absolutely say no. And if he has resentment about that, then he can go kick rocks.

Stop letting her do this to do - get out or man up.

[struggling1]

Thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Seeing your reply has made me question her true motives and feelings for me and I think you maybe right, maybe I should end it once and for all as she clearly can't give me what I want.

[Cerby]

This post is a good case as to how hard it is to overcome a cheating partner. You were both right and wrong here. She was right to ask you to stop slamming it in her face, but was wrong to put any sort of timeline on it. You were right to question her motives in the following months, but wrong in using it as fuel for future arguments.

It sounds like by your end statements you're expecting her to overcome your demons, when that isn't a fair request. It is a personal battle you need to take on in regaining trust and making it work from your side. You're expecting her to compomise because you're struggling with the problems that all stemmed from the cheating. She told you she was to be trusted, so from there it was entirely up to you to either belief and rebuild, or lose control and move on.

It sounds like you're now just going through the motions and this relationship is coming apart. If you really want to make it work, you probably want to look into couples therapy to actually resolve your issues instead of just trying to work around them. If you continue like this, you're doomed.

[VincenzoG91]

Sounds like she has a drinking problem. She drinks until she is out of control, and then she drunkenly hooks up with dudes. She's right that you need to stop talking about the past if you're going to really forgive her. However, she needs to change her behavior from the way it was in the past, or else there is really no reason to forgive or forget the past. I don't see a happy future for the two of you unless you both change and leave the past behind. Most of the change needs to come from her, and that is unlikely to happen until she stops the drinking.

[Love'sReject]

What a bitch. Don't forgive this bird; get the hell over this cheating whore.

[kb8j47ur]

Yeah this girl sucks. I had a gf like that once. She sounds like trailer trash. Drop the hoe.