What should I do? Please help? Is there a hope?

[bee]

I am new here! I am really grateful that I can come here and ask you for your help and opinion.

my relationship ended last week. I met my b/f in January 2004 while we were both at the university. The relationship in general has been quite up and down. He already broke up with me once last summer. I can become really needy and dependant. he is quite an independant person and a guy so he needed a lot of space in our relationship, which I wasn't always able to give. He is 24 and I am 26. He likes to take things slowly. I think there were times he felt pressured. When we broke up the first time were still meeting each other but I soon realised it was too hurtful for me. For him it was convenient I think at that time so I decided after about a month or so to end it all with him. He was doing everything to win me back. I hesitated at first but he was making so many efforts I thought ok i'll give us the chance. This was last year in September. the relationship was much better aferwards and I thought now finally we are going to be together .There were still times when he bacame distant since he had stress with his dissertation and with his job interviews and I wasn't able to give him the space because his distancing affected me a lot. I became so attached to him emotionally.

In October our relationship became long-distance. He had to leave becasue he had to find a job and he couldn't find the job he was looking for in here. It's about 2 hours away by train and a plane. Things have not been always easy between us because of the distance but we were trying. He started his job, became quite busy so I started to feel neglected and we fought a lot over the phone. I needed him so much because I am here alone without my family and real friends. I was aware that my dependance on him was driving him away but somehow I couldn't stop myself! I missed him too much! He kept telling me to take it easy and not to worry that he is there and he loves me and is thinking of me. It wasn't enough! I went to visit him in November and I met his family! I was really happy to be with him again! We spent a really nice week in his country! He then came to visit me in my country for New Year's Eve and met my family and my friends. They liked him a lot too so I was happy about that! However, before he came we fought a lot because I kept pushing for answers when he is coming to see me. the thing is at that time he had started his new job and he had lots of worries and stress with finding an accommodation for him! But I still pushed him for answers! Even my parents told me that I wasn't being fair on him. he came at the end even though he was hesitating to come! He was worried we would be fighting again. But we had a nice time and things were good again! I then started my new job hoping I'll get busier so I won't need his attention so much! BUt the job is quite boring and there is not a lot to do. I felt lonely! He was there for me a lot! I felt loved so much! He tried his best I think! After some time, we reached the feeling of feeling so happy and in love! I was so happy! I started to go out more, do more sport and he was calling me more and was much more attentive to me! Things were great!! But he kept saying that he is not happy with the distance and that he misses me too much and he would like us to be closer to each other.

I went to see him in his place in February for a weekend. He came rushing from work to pick me up from the airport and he brought me the most beautiful flower! It was our first year annivesary! I was in heaven. He had my photos near his bed and was so happy to have me there with him! I came on Thursday and until about Saturday afternoon we had a great time! However, on Saturday he was not in the best mood. He was tired from work. Unfortunately i took it very personally and I thought he wasn't as happy as I was to see me. I expected this weekend to be the most wonderful because we didnt' see each other for one month and a half! I was really disappointed that he became a little distant. We had a row. It was quite bad. He told me that he can't be himself with me and that I take everything so personally and he felt really disappointed. the next day we made up but it was not the same. We started to talk about our situation and the distance. He said to me that he wants us to be closer that the distance is too hard for him,that something has to happen soon otherwise it's hard to continue like this. I took his comment as him giving up on me and I got upset and told him it's over! He was quite shocked and said why? I said because you are giving up on me. He said "why do you think I have been waiting for you? I was only honest with you!" He kept asking me if I was sure that it's over and I said yes but I didn't really mean it! I was just really upset and hurt! He was trying hard to fight for our relationship but when he saw my indifference about it, he started to cry! When I saw that I felt bad and I hugged him and said I didnt mean it! He rejected me. The first time I saw him crying! tried really hard to tell him that I overreacted and din't mean it. but he had been really distant with me. He had withdrawn himself emotionally from me completely! He said "we failed"! The situation got so bad that he even told me that he wasn't sure he still loved me. I felt devastated! I decided to go and see him last weekend to save it all. He wasn't sure if it was a good idea but I decided to go.

I wasn't really sure if I made the right decision but I wanted to show him that I loved him and I ddin't want to loose him! Some of my friends told me that he needed space from me to feel better but I didn't listen! He tried to be nice to me especially at the beginning but he was quite distant! It was strange between us. There was this uncomfortable feeling between us. we then had an argument becasue I kept saying to him that he is distant. He kept saying don't start again.. I couldn't control my emotions and I got quite upset. We then went for a walk but I could feel he was quite irritated. He said why did I come to see him to bother him again? I got so upset and told him that I'll go on my own that I dont need him and that he can do whatever he wants. He got upset and walked away. I called him after some time becasue I don't know his city and we met but he told me "It's over" "It's over" He was so upset! He said "Im fed up with your attitude and the way you make me feel! I am not happy and I want to end it!" I was crushed! THat night we slept in different rooms. He said he wanted to be away from me. The next day he came to me and he tried to talk to me but I was so hurt! I kept crying! We then lied next to each other and he hugged me so much and said "It's hard for me as well but the only thing I can say is I am sorry!"

This is what he told me when we had the open talk:

He said it wasn't easy for him as well as for me but he said it's best for both of us. At first I was really upset and hurt and I said to him he betrayed me and so on.. He was quite upset but then when we calmed down he hugged me.. I was crying so much.. He said to me that he wanted to be completely honest with me. he said that he hasn't been feeling good about us for a while. He admitted that if he was sure like me that I was the one for him he would have made more efforts but he said he gave our relationsip lots of energy and effort! he said he hasn't had enough experience in his life and he realised he needed to experience more. He also said he knew I wanted more out of the relatioship than he wanted and he said he is afraid of commitment. He also said that because I am older than him 2 years and have a little bit more experience with relationships. He said he knew I wanted to be more serious but he said he can't give me the stability now. He said that he has just started his job and he said he is not really sure about his own life. He said he is not happy with his own life so he can't love and he can't give me what I deserve. He said he is not happy with his life. He said that he is that kind of person, who doesn't know how to appreciate what he has and always looking for something else out there. So i guess he doens't want to miss out on anything. It's horrible to think I made him feel like this... He said that he really likes me a lot but he wants to be sure I am the girl for him by seeing what else is out there. He said he might be making a mistake but he said even if we kept going he would be always tempted .

I was so sad to hear that but I know I can't force him and I said to him that I understand he needs to experience more. I said to him that I actually agree with the idea of experiencing a lot before finding the one.. He was so amazed how understanding I was. He was so grateful for that! He said that he still wants to enjoy his life before becoming serious (He is 24 years old.) But he kept asking me if he will loose me. We agreed not to break up completely where we cut all contacts. We agreed that we will "take a break". He said maybe we will be back together but now he wants to be on his own and have his freedom. He said that of course if I find someone else he will not be happy and he will probably regret his decision but he said he wants me to be happy! He said "maybe I will realised that being on my own is not a good idea and I will want to be with you again but it might be too late and that's the risk I am taking". He said he doesn't want to completely close the door behind us. he said he was sad too. He said he still wants us to be in contact and he is still there for me.

What do you all think about it? Does anyone have a similar experience? And has it worked out? He said that we were fighting a lot and so that didn't make him motivated more. He said it made him feel like he wants to see something else.

I am sorry about the length! please everyone what do you all think about this? Is there a hope for us?

[Jenrick285]

Familarity and being comfortable are always things that tends to linger in relationships.

Sounds like he's a bit worn out with tiptoeing around with his actions and words. If he says something wrong, you get upset (This is taking from what you said). I think it would wear out the most patient of folks.

I could be wrong but perhaps you directed your focus on other things like career, friends, or even hobbies instead of him it might help.

And it's always good to get it out, whether it be with your friends or at a random forum... and just to add, if you just met someone, and this guy made you feel like what your bf explained... would you go out on a second date?

[bee]

I do realise I was being needy and dependant on him since I am abroad without my family and my real friends and I guess I needed his support and his attention a lot.. I am so sad though today

I am so down today so I came here to vent and to ask you for your help please! I haven't contacted him the whole weekend! On Sunday evening I received an email from HIM

He said:

how are u? how was your weekend? As for me i came back home and i spent my weekendresting with my family, no party and no drink! i made sport on saturday, so today i feel quite good!

How was your interview on the phone? I hope u did well! u could have let me know, couldnt u? or u prefer to keep that for yourself now?

good night

xxx

I didn't expect this email to be honest! When I read it I felt he was a little annoyed I didn't let him know. But now that he wanted to break up I feel that I can't just call him like normally... I thought we would not be in contact until he comes this Friday as I said to you he is still coming to spend the Easter with me! Well, the reason why I didn't tell him about my interview because we are broken up so I wasn't just going to call him to tell him about it! He sounds a little annoyed don't you thik? Or was he teasing me? I am not really sure! Anyway, I waited till this morning and I replied trying to sound really upbeat and I said that I had a nice weekend. The interview went well and I am happy I can leave my current job and start a new one! I said to him that I didn't let him know earlier because I din't want to disturb him during the weekend but I said that it's nice of him to ask! I then said I have got to go, I have lots of things to do! Take care and have a nice first spring day! I tried to sound as happy as possible!

he replied and said "Well done! I am happy for you!I am sure you will succeed!"

What do you all think? I am quite confused! Please help! I am not sure what to do or how to be with him! I don't want him to be comfortable with us as "friends"! I still love him!

I have been trying to be strong but I am suddenly feeling so sad I can't stop crying..If I tell him I don't want to be his friend what if I loose him for good! If you read his emails where he says : " i said it 's a break cos if it was a final break up we would never be together again cos we wouldnt talk to each other anymore maybe. and that's not what i want. i will not close the door but i didnt say we will be again together " He is saying that if we stop talking there would be not a chance for us

I feel so bad! I feel like I lost him! I feel that my behaviour drove him away... I shouldn't have said to him it's over that weekend! I hurt him badly and he closed himself.. It's breaking my heart thinking that he was telling me he loves me so much and now he said he wants to see what else is out there... I can't take it!

He is coming to see me on Friday! I am still wondering why would he want to do that! I feel he must care a lot because he is still travelling to see me instead of spending the holiday with his family and friends.. We are far from each other.. so it's not like a convienience for him.. I just don't understand it! I have been really strong! I have not contacted him! I have not called him to beg for another chance.. I haven't! and I was advised to act happy now! but I worry though that if I sound happy he will think that I am happier now without him than when I was with him.. and he would not want to come back. What do you suggest? But I know if I am miserable he won't come back to me..

He sent me another email this morning asking me if I was well and asking me about this weekend.. telling me that we could go and see a show and asking me if there was anything I wanted to do so we can organise our weekend.. I haven't replied! I am so confused.. I love him and I am sure seeing him this weekend will be hard but I don't want to call it off..

What do you think about the whole thing? I am so sad and confused!

I know that once you break up with someone you want to spend time away from them normally.. but it's not our case.. it's so strange that the break up doens't feel final.. do you think he is really interested only in a friendship?

I want us to be together again? do you think this coming weekend could be a chance for us? But his emails suggest he doesn't want to come back now so why is he still travelling here? I am so confused I am in tears Please help everyone! I need your help! I really appreciate all your help! I am not understanding it all! i am so confused! Should I hope or not?

I really appreciate your help! I am lost... I do not understand it all.. he was telling me just a month ago how much he loves me and then... it's the end

Please help! I am so lost not knowing what to do or how to be with him this weekend..

[misombra]

first thing, calm down. relax. take a breath. it's okay.

okay now. it sounds like he just wants to keep in touch.

blegh, those emails from ex's suck.

i say keep not contacting him. make him chase you.

[diablo robotico]

Rats, didn't see this thread before replying to your other thread in the Dating forum. So um... go read my reply there.

[bee]

Hello everyone!

You can't imagine how much your advice means to me!! Thank you!!! Thank you! tomorrow is the day D! He is coming here tomorrow evening!

I feel that even people who are close to me are not here right now! I guess that's why I come here every day because I am so happy to receive your help! I think I should't worry about sleeping with him because he was the one who actually said it that we shouldn't be intimate with each other now because he says he doesn't want to hurt my feelings... he says he knows that making love for me means that I am seriuos about the guy.. he says that he doesn't want to make the same mistake with me as he did with his ex. Appareantly she always begged him to sleep with her and was telling him she was ok with that but he knew she was doing it in order to change his mind about her.. he said he kind of lost repsect for her!

I am naturally not an independant women when it comes to relationships.. but I guess I have got to act independent of him.. and I must not go needy and desparate on him! It's going to be pretty hard but I guess I must do that! I wonder if I do that what is he going to think? I worry a little that he might that I don't care after all.. but I think if I go needy on him it would push him away! It's really strange to think that he is actually coming here tomorrow! we are going to see a musical on Saturday night! We both agreed to go and see it and I think it's good because I won't have the need all the time to ask him about us! I guess some of you might suggest that I shouldn't ask him about us or should I? I spoke to a very good friend of mine yesterday ( i really need to talk it out as you all see) it helps! anyway, she said that maybe i could ask him like on sunday how he feels about us? As Petey45 said! What do you think! I mean in a way if he spends the weekend with me and I won't ask him.. I will be probably still wondering after he will be back home! But then I worry he might feel pressured to talk about us again! What if he says that he has made up his mind.. how do I react to that? What do I say? I can't be his friend..I am not good with ex's! I an not friends with any of them because it's hard for me! but it's true I don't want to loose this one completely!

He has just sent me an email asking me if I could sing in msn tonight so we could talk about tomorrow evening! I haven't been on msn since it happened because I didn't want him to think I was online waiting for him.. I was scared that if I am online he might not say anything. I have not sent him one email, one message.. I have not made one phone call.. It's strange but I thought it's better not to! I woud end up asking him about us and I would end up probably needy on him.. I didn't want to do that.. but I am not sure when I meet him tomorrow how to be with him! Friendly but distant? I don't want to be cold! you see I worry about small details.. I don't know whether to show him my sadness but you all seem to sugget I shouldn't.. but then I think honesty is important and the way I feel!

He asked me in his email how I am doing and if I am ready for tomorrow?? What does it mean? ready? what do I answer to that? i know I am probably reading into it too much but I don't really know whether to sound really excited he is coming here.. I just don't know!

It's scary!!

Do you think I should ask him if he has been seeing anyone else or if he has met anyone else or if he likes anyone else? I guess I am really curious about that! and what if he asks me the same? It's so hard to know what to say or what not to say and how to be and how not to be....?? I still love him!

Bee