I don't understand

[Trublusoul]

Hi all
Can anyone answer this unhappy question. My bf of 7 years we were engaged for two had an affair and got the other woman pregnant. I broke up with him as soon as I found out. She told me by coming to our house. He hid upstairs while she was here. It's been almost 9 months and the baby is due soon I guess. It broke my heart. We also had a baby together but she past away. And he was the only part I had left of her. I assumed when we broke up he would get with this woman and continue with her. But instead he keeps texting me and calling. Saying how much he loves and misses me. He begged to see me this weekend. So I met him for coffee. It was awful. I sat there trying to hide my tears and make small talk. He held my hand and asked over and over if he could spend the evening with me. I said no and just ran off and caught my train home. Seeing him just reminded me of the past. Sorry for the rambling.
My question is. Why is he doing this? Why does he want to keep seeing me and be in contact with me if all he did was betray me in the past? I asked him and he says its because he loves me. I replied that he would not have done what he did if he really loved me. Then all he says is sorry. I don't know if all he wants is sex with me now? But he would never admit that. Why would he be like this if another woman his having is baby?

[searock]

It's not like the fact that she's having his baby implies that he is in love with her or wants to spend his life with her. Did he tell you that he wants to get back together with you?

[Trublusoul]

Hi. Yes he says that all the time. He says he prays we can be together in the future. But that won't happen. I will never get back with him again. He hurt me too much. I just wonder why if he still loves me he did it in the first place? it makes no sense. I thought he would just leave me alone. its like burning down your own house and then lamenting that you have no place to live. It's not like he is a young kid, he knows unprotected sex can lead to pregnancy. Maybe he is just really stupid and it took 7 years for me to realise.

[searock]

How long did the affair go on with the other woman?

[Trublusoul]

It lasted about 6 months I think before she got pregnant.

[smackie9]

People have moments of weakness, sometimes it's just emotional, other times they get selfish and step over the line and as a result getting someone pregnant. Their relationship was an infatuation not love. It seems as though something was lacking in your relationship, and instead of addressing it, he had an affair instead. One reason people cheat is because they are bored with the relationship they're in...boredom is a man's biggest fear, that's why so many hesitate to commit to a marriage. He F ucked up badly. He didn't address the issues in your relationship, he had unprotected sex, and if it wasn't for this woman coming to your door, pregnant, he would have never told you. And if he got away with it, he would have continued with her or would have done it with someone else in the future. He begs because he realizes that he is losing the best thing he has ever had in his life, and he has lost it all. It's a normal reaction...when something that is taken away from you, you realize it's value. Too late for him tho.

This is very tragic for you with losing a child and him cheating, etc. I'm so sorry for your loss.

[smackie9]

BTW just because he still loves you isn't reason enough to forgive him, even tho you are being pulled in both directions, you need to stay focused. This child will have to be a part of his life, but also be a financial burden. It's not like you can put this affair behind you, you will be reminded always.

[Boisdevie]

He cheated on you for 6 months. Do you have such little self respect that you're even prepared to see him. If it was me and he was on fire I wouldn't cross the street to piss on him. Just make sure he pays maintenance.

[Trublusoul]

People have moments of weakness, sometimes it's just emotional, other times they get selfish and step over the line and as a result getting someone pregnant. Their relationship was an infatuation not love. It seems as though something was lacking in your relationship, and instead of addressing it, he had an affair instead. One reason people cheat is because they are bored with the relationship they're in...boredom is a man's biggest fear, that's why so many hesitate to commit to a marriage. He F ucked up badly. He didn't address the issues in your relationship, he had unprotected sex, and if it wasn't for this woman coming to your door, pregnant, he would have never told you. And if he got away with it, he would have continued with her or would have done it with someone else in the future. He begs because he realizes that he is losing the best thing he has ever had in his life, and he has lost it all. It's a normal reaction...when something that is taken away from you, you realize it's value. Too late for him tho.

This is very tragic for you with losing a child and him cheating, etc. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Thank you. Your explanation makes sense. I feel so angry at him. Yet I feel sad for him too. It's very distressing and confusing but I have to move on. Thanks again.

[Trublusoul]

He cheated on you for 6 months. Do you have such little self respect that you're even prepared to see him. If it was me and he was on fire I wouldn't cross the street to piss on him. Just make sure he pays maintenance.

I don't have any control over him paying his maintenance. That's up to him not me.

[smackie9]

Thank god you are not in a marriage with children having to deal with this. Ya sad for him, lets hope he learns a very valuable lesson about moral values.

[Sunshine17]

I have to agree with "smackie9" in your case it is clear regret. He loss on a good thing and he has realized it. It had no idea that you would take such measures in not wanting to be with him with hope that you would see past it and move on. But you have been put throw enough and it really does not matter the age of the person we all know right from wrong when we are a good enough age. It's clearly very disappointing and I am so sad for you. But your doing the right thing and being strong and loving yourself more to put your needs and feelings above his. There are many ways to deal with a loss of a child, therapy, and many social groups that can assist you. Rather than turn to a stranger you barely even know so shame on him. My opinion it was good that you did meet with him because some things you have to close out and not always run away from. And you handled it the best way you could have as its hard to get over and deal with the emotional loss then to deal with a man that you had many memories with and shared the same loss go behind your back and hurt you even more.

Time heal all wounds and it will heal yours just give yourself that time and needed space. Good luck and I am too sorry for your loss. Take Care.

[Wakeup]

Don't let him make you feel guilty for leaving him anymore. Tell him not to contact you again, that you're not going to respond to any further contact from him so that the two of you can put this behind you and move on to find the mate that you were actually meant to spend your life with. Please don't let what he did ruin your chances for happiness with a good man. Get some therapy to help you heal from the loss of the baby and the mess he left you in.

Zero contact.. don't let him keep you mired in this for a moment longer, trublu.

[Trublusoul]

Thanks for your encouragement and kind words guys. It's hard but I realise I dodged a bullet with this person. Better to find out now than later on. Plus I did leant a lot. And now I can focus on myself and what I want out of life. Thanks again.