Need Some advice with my Girlfriend

[DL31970]

Hello to everyone. I am brand new to the forum, Im hoping to get some advice on what to do with my Girlfriend (ex-girlfriend..not sure what we are right now) and I have no idea where to turn so I though maybe some of you on here could offer some objective advice on my situation.
I met SS(her name anonymous) back in January and we both completely fell in love with each other. I know it sounds corney but I have never felt such a deep connection to a person as I did to SS. There was an incredible physical and emotional connection between us. We had the same temperment, same views, wanted the same things in life and both wanted the same things in a relationship. I was married for 12 years, dated alittle on and off after my divorce, nothing serious till I met SS. She came from an extremely dysfunctional home, was in several bad relationships and had childeren of her own (you can see where this is going lol). Although she talked about her past from time to time, she never seemed to show any real emotion or bitterness towards her parents or past relationships. She just wanted a future with me that was better, family, living together, possibly marriage etc.
The first 6 months were great with a few exceptions (i'll explain those in a min). We spent almost every weekend together. I got to meet her kids and she met mine. Our relationship continued to get stronger. One issue with SS was an obvious lack of self esteem. She felt she was very average, when in fact she was a very beautiful woman. I attributed that to her past and family upbringing. The second issue reared its ugly head in June. One night while we were on the couch sitting she started getting a bunch of emails and messages on her phone. I wasnt trying to be nosey but I joked and said...oh you are popular tonite lol. She didnt say anything just laughed and said it was her sister messaging her.
The next day I got a wierd email from her ex-boyfriend (who was a real jerk and how he got my email I have no idea still) who said simply."I think you might want to see this" and there was a link attatched to a certain Bondage and sex website and SS profile on there. All kinds of naked pics of her and other guys commenting on them. I immediatly called her out on it, and she insisted it was an old profile and that she didn't use it anymore since she met me. She physically showed me the confirmation e-mail showing that she had removed the account the next day, so I thought all was good again. She insisted that I was the most amazing man in the world and all she wanted or needed.
Our relationship continued, we got closer and closer. Everything seemed great. I would get 100 plus texts a day from her, most saying how lucky she was to have found me and how much she loved me.
I never had any reason to doubt her feelings for me.
In early Sept, she started acting little different, seemed quiet, not as many texts, withdrawn. One night while we were watching tv, she got a message from her ex boyfriend..which said " I really miss you too, and yes I do still love you"...now I didnt go through her phone, it was sitting right between us and when a messge comes up it displays it for a few mins on the screen. I was floored and imediatley questioned her on what that was all about. She got very defensive and said she didn't know and it wasn't anything for me to worry about. She also got mad and said I shouldnt be reading her texts! Of course I didnt intend to read it, but it just came up on her screen so I looked down at it. I didnt accuse her of cheating I simply asked if she still loved him? Now her ex boyfriend was quite abusive and a really A**hole if you know what I mean. Didnt have a job, basicly lived off SS.
Well the next day I got 3 or 4 nasty texts from her saying I was going through her stuff, and accusing her of cheating on me, and how could I betray her like this??? I was floored, and hurt that she would try and turn this around on me! Well next thing I know, I get a text message from her saying she needs time to think about things and she stopped calling and texting me. All my texts and calls went unanswered for 4 days!!!
I finally did get a text a few days later saying she still loved me, but wasn't sure how she felt about things betwwen us anymore????
Now is it me, or is this weird? How do you go from being so in love with someone to being unsure? And she continued to say it was my fault and I was insecure and making a big deal out of nothing.
Ive let her have some space the past two weeks, its what she said she needs...well the other day, just for the heck of it, I went back on that adult website just for the heck of it and what do you know....theres her profile back up again, with all new pictures of her naked etc. So I'm floored, and crushed! How could she go back to that after, supossedly being so in love with me and never wanting anything else?? Was it all a lie?
She has insisted in texts that she still loves and cares for me very much, meanwhile she continues to add new friends to her online profile (all guys of course). I have begged her to talk to me, I get the same response, This is something I need to workout in my head.
Now I know I should just walk away (or run) and everything in my head tells me its over between us. But I still love SS! The hurt hasnt changed, its actually gotten worse. I have done some research on the addictions some people have to The BDSM community (sexual Bondage) and adult sites and its mostly attributed to very low self esteem or abuse in the past. I have read that people go on there because they feel wanted, loved and appreciated. Even if its in a perverse kind of way. To make matters worse, her ex boyfriend is on there as well and they are friends ( i know this because Ive seen his picture before, and its also on this site). I dont think they have gotten back together because she had a perminent restraining order against him because of past abuse, so I think they mostly flirt etc..but its just the point, its weird.
So I guess my issue is this, I know SS needs help and counciling, and honestly I am the only adult in her life who probably truely cares about her (most of her family has little or no ties to her except her aunt and cousins)So I feel like I am the only one who might be able to get through to her. She has kids and I worry about them as well. Like I said, I know its not my problem, or responsibility, but I feel like I need to help her! Am I crazy??
We did actually meet for a bit the other day and sit down and have coffee together and she continues to tell me she loves me. I can see in her eyes she means it. I can also see this look of please help me in her eyes
I dont know if talking to her will make things better or drive her away? I doubt I could ever let myself trust her in a relationship the way I once did, however I feel like I still want to be her friend.
I am sorry for such a long post, and I appreciate anyones advice and input. By the way I am 40 and she is 35 years old. I forgot to mention that earlier.

[JB9]

[QUOTE}}One night while we were watching tv, she got a message from her ex boyfriend..which said " I really miss you too, and yes I do still love you"...now I didnt go through her phone, it was sitting right between us and when a messge comes up it displays it for a few mins on the screen.[/QUOTE]

That says it all.

[Boisdevie]

I am sorry for such a long post

Me too. If you make it shorter then you might get more replies and most of us have no inclination to read your life story.

[smackie9]

You can't rescue every lost and tormented soul you fall in love with. If she needs help she has to want help...you can't do that for her. Don't make her problems yours or it will destroy you even further. You can speak your mind about this to her, but it is best to keep your distance until she can prove to you that she wants changes. If not, then walk away, you can't do anything more for her without her taking you down with her.

[VincenzoG91]

During those four days when she wouldn't contact you, she was hooking up with her ex.

[DL31970]

During those four days when she wouldn't contact you, she was hooking up with her ex.

I have no idea and would rather not know.lol

[DL31970]

You can't rescue every lost and tormented soul you fall in love with. If she needs help she has to want help...you can't do that for her. Don't make her problems yours or it will destroy you even further. You can speak your mind about this to her, but it is best to keep your distance until she can prove to you that she wants changes. If not, then walk away, you can't do anything more for her without her taking you down with her.

I don't think im trying to rescue every lost soul lol, I was in a 9 month relationship with someone who has some serious issues with self esteem and is looking in the wrong place for it. She also has a 15 year daughter that lives with her and will grow up in a dysfunctional family as well. I may not be able to help her but someone has to try. I think this is the problem with todays society is that everyone just walks away from problems.

[DL31970]

Me too. If you make it shorter then you might get more replies and most of us have no inclination to read your life story.

Then don't read it lol

[zaccarus]

I'm afraid to say but reading through your post it seems that you know what you need to do buddy. In order to help someone they have to want to help themselves and at this point it doesn't appear that she wants to. I appreciate how hard it will be because of your feelings for her but I think you really need to walk away from this one. I hear what you are saying about society walking away but sometimes it's not your issue to address - like this isn't, all you can do is support her whilst she resolves it.

SS has some serious issues going on in her head and IMHO (and I ain't no expert) would need some serious counselling. If her a-hole ex is on this site that you mention as well as her re-instating her profile then I would imagine that he still has some serious form of control over her and if this is the case then I'm sorry to say that you have no chance.

On a differing note and one that you touch on, I'm of the belief that if you've got nothing to hide then what's the issue with the phone but I know a lot of people disagree with me on that one.

Lastly and just to be cheery, the pain will get worse but it will get better for you...good luck with what you decide!

[smackie9]

I don't think im trying to rescue every lost soul lol, I was in a 9 month relationship with someone who has some serious issues with self esteem and is looking in the wrong place for it. She also has a 15 year daughter that lives with her and will grow up in a dysfunctional family as well. I may not be able to help her but someone has to try. I think this is the problem with todays society is that everyone just walks away from problems.

You are not getting it....it's not your responsability. People don't want help if they don't ask for it. All you will end up doing is being the parent her the child. Sure you may think what's best for her, but what she wants is up to her not you.