In modern days, is it okay to be a stay at home wife?

[celestina]

I ask because I feel it is what I want to do, and it is what I can do. I’m thirty and I don’t have a college degree. I suffer from depression and social anxiety (so lots of problems communicating), which makes it hard for me to deal with stress and people on a daily basis. I also suffer from low pressure and, because of separate health issues, I cannot eat sugar; this makes me easily exhausted; I always carry a bottle of water on me without which I get easily dizzy if I get dehydrated or just after some physical effort. I live with my mother who suffers from an illness and is depressed. Her health problems force her to stay at home and she is on welfare. I also get some welfare money because I am her natural care giver. It's not a lot but it is how we live by.

I, for once, personally do not think it is okay to be a stay at home wife nowadays, simply because people’s needs have increased, prices of goods have increased, and it is just harder to afford a home. For all these reasons it is better to have two breadwinners in the household, to alleviate the pressure and share responsibilities equally between partners—which is why I went back to school; in less than two months, I am obtaining my professional diploma (here we call a “professional diploma” one of the intensive one-year programs designed to train adults for work in a specific field, in my case, administration). I have started to apply for positions in good companies to ensure myself a good job as soon as I'm done with my studies. I also feel I have something to offer in the field, despite my limited education.

This being said. Because of the mental and physical issues described earlier—issues which I have been struggling with since my teenage years (I have practically never worked in my life, and if I did, it was on and off, temporary jobs), I am afraid that I won’t be able to maintain a stable job in a permanent way...

I have always been sort of okay, living like this, until now—because I have met someone outstanding, and whose work ethics are extremely strong, and harsh... This person will not accept a stay at home wife (he mentioned it in a conversation though I’ve never told him my views about it). We have now been in a relationship for two years. He moved to work in another city a year ago and we have been doing long distance since. We have no problem with it and it's working out great, we trust each completely and care a great deal for each other. We see each other every month and we talk every day. He finds my “presence” comforting and supporting during his transition there (he will be coming back next year).

So, despite the physical distance, we are very close to each other, except he doesn’t know about my health problems and I don’t want him to; I want to make him happy by being a happy person, I don’t want to burden him with any of this, ever. The reason he loves me is because I’ve always been loving to him and always put him in a good mood especially when he’s strained from work. He’s okay with me not having a college degree, and he is just glad that I'm focusing on my studies now, and I guess he expects me to work normally after I graduate. This is also what I want to do, it’s my greatest wish; I try to fight against these predispositions that seem to convince me that I am no good for anything except to be a stay at home wife. I do want to try my best to change this attitude, and become a normal money maker… I am trying, but I’m afraid that the pressure becomes too much to handle some day and I will breakdown and he will leave (this man has too much on his hands already to deal with people with mental problems!). Also we are starting to be more serious and to talk about serious things for the future (like living together and traveling), but I am afraid I won’t be able to deliver financially…

During my low times, meaning those moments when I am feeling at my worst, I tell myself that I should leave him and be with someone more accepting of these things, willing to let me be a stay at home wife. I am a very caring lover and could make a person like this (there are a few) very happy, at home. This would take off a great deal of stress for me. Anyway I am not one to require a ton of money and material goods to be happy, in fact, I'm quite the opposite.

However, I would never be able to leave my current partner; especially after he has proved himself so much to me during the past two years; he has changed so much without me asking him to, to be a perfect partner... His willingness to please me, his openness to communicate with me, the way we get along and how we intellectually stimulate each other constantly (things so rare yet indispendable for a successful relationship)—all these things make me certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with this person. Except... I just strongly question my ability to make him happy in the long term… This man has great dreams for himself, and even though he has mentioned he does not look at how much money his partner makes, I still feel I could be slowing him down, eventually, if I don't do good in my life... I would never forgive myself for that.

I don't understand why it seems so easy for other people to make a good living for themselves yet it is so hard for me...

This is an issue I’m very ashamed of. I wouldn’t talk about these things to anyone in my surroundings; I mean, I have family, I have friends at school and outside of school (and truly exceptional friends, may I mention), but, if possible I will isolate myself as much as possible because I find company and conversations tiring and vain. And also people appreciate me because I am pretty much seen as the happy, lively, positive person (surprising fact, huh?), and people would never suspect any of the things I have written here, because I choose not to let them see. I hate the idea of being a sad, depressed, negative person, but all this anxiety and this hiding are starting to afflict me and the last thing I want, is to see it afflict my relationship and the life of the person I love...

I know even in this forum I am exposing myself to negative feedback because of an issue some would deem frivolous, but I just need to talk about it now… with the hopes that someone will help, not find a miracle solution to everything, but just help me reason and come up with what the right thing to do is, for myself and for the people I love.

Given my situation... What would you advise? Any help is appreciated.


P.S. I am not on medication because I do not want chemicals to alter the natural functioning of my body and I am too scared of the side effects, which can be very serious. Although I do wonder if medication could truly help in changing this state of mind I am in, I'm trying hard to better myself day by day. Some days just seem harder than others.

[Cerby]

The issue here is that you're essentially hiding your health from him. If you were to move in together your issues would eventually show through and you would need to tell him the truth. The longer you keep this from him, the more what your doing becomes a lie, which he likely will be annoyed about (not the condition, but that you hid it from him). You can't realistically expect that you can just be happy and everything will be perfect. What happens when you have bad day at work, and a meltdown at home?

I think you should seek professional help for your problems, depression and social anxiety can be treated, but you can't go it alone. People who make living seem easy are the ones who work hard for what they have. If you don't or can't work, then living isn't easy.

[Wakeup]

So, despite the physical distance, we are very close to each other, except he doesn’t know about my health problems and I don’t want him to;

Then you are lying to him by ommission. You're what they call doing the bait and switch. How will you keep this up when you are together full time and unable to hide behind our long distance?

I dunno, I understand your desperation in your thoughts of losing him but geezzus keeping your true emotional state hidden from him this long is unconscionable. Now you can't even know with 100% sureness if he loves you for you or for this made up "perfect" partner you've presented to him.

Given my situation... What would you advise? Any help is appreciated.

I'd tell him and then let the chips fall where they may. If I loved him, what else could I do? One doesn't deceive the one they love, not if they really love them in the unselfish way anyway. Do they?

If you're not on medication have you at least considered or gone to therapy to try to work through this without the medication? Perhaps he'd respond to the truth better if he knows you're at least getting help with what ails you.

Whether it's okay or not okay to be a stay at home wife is irrelevant. The fact that you say you can't work and he's voiced that he does not want a wife that stays at home is the issue. So, no! In this case is is not alright.

[celestina]

The issue here is that you're essentially hiding your health from him. If you were to move in together your issues would eventually show through and you would need to tell him the truth. The longer you keep this from him, the more what your doing becomes a lie, which he likely will be annoyed about (not the condition, but that you hid it from him). You can't realistically expect that you can just be happy and everything will be perfect. What happens when you have bad day at work, and a meltdown at home?

I think you should seek professional help for your problems, depression and social anxiety can be treated, but you can't go it alone. People who make living seem easy are the ones who work hard for what they have. If you don't or can't work, then living isn't easy.

You're right about the issues eventually showing... I do realize this is a lie, to all the people around me but even more a lie to myself: I tell myself that these health issues could might as well just not be real, and that I am just "lazy"; "lazy" can be changed. I already came a long way; I used to be a heavy drinker/smoker for more than a decade, and at 26-27, I quit all of that, completely, all by myself (I know a LOT of people who have tried quitting smoking, unsuccesfully; and I don't know an alcoholic who has even tried to stop drinking). These are achievements I'm very proud of. And these are the changes that make me believe that I can keep moving forward, and keep changing, keep becoming a better person, just a working person...

I'd like to ask... Do you believe that a person can change?

And yes, if these issues keep worrying me the way they are, I am considering getting help. Thanks for your time and response Cerby, I know this was a long one...

[celestina]

If you're not on medication have you at least considered or gone to therapy to try to work through this without the medication? Perhaps he'd respond to the truth better if he knows you're at least getting help with what ails you.

I broke down while talking to my mother's psychiatrist once and this doctor has wanted me to pursue therapy but I don't feel like I would've been able to because this would "officialize" some mental issues and make them too "real". I like to tell myself that my problems are just "bad habits" and that I can be normal and do what everyone else does. I know... seems like I'm sort of failing at that right now... But, I am re-considering it now, therapy.

Whether it's okay or not okay to be a stay at home wife is irrelevant. The fact that you say you can't work and he's voiced that he does not want a wife that stays at home is the issue. So, no! In this case is is not alright.

This is also a good point... If I stay with him, I do intend to do everything to make him happy. I'd be the happiest girl alive if I could manage a good job and be with him. I'm just afraid that even his lowest expectations are too high for me and I'm afraid there could be a time in the future when I'll feel like it is much to handle. This is what I'm struggling to succeed at... just pushing these fears and these feelings away... Because I have two legs and arms and two quite functional brain hemispheres, I should be able to work properly, shouldn't I? Could you see this as possible?

Thanks for your time Wakeup, really appreciated.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Lying to yourself is one thing. Stringing this man along and lying to him about who you are is really selfish and unfair.

[Wakeup]

I broke down while talking to my mother's psychiatrist once and this doctor has wanted me to pursue therapy but I don't feel like I would've been able to because this would "officialize" some mental issues and make them too "real". I like to tell myself that my problems are just "bad habits" and that I can be normal and do what everyone else does. I know... seems like I'm sort of failing at that right now... But, I am re-considering it now, therapy.



This is also a good point... If I stay with him, I do intend to do everything to make him happy. I'd be the happiest girl alive if I could manage a good job and be with him. I'm just afraid that even his lowest expectations are too high for me and I'm afraid there could be a time in the future when I'll feel like it is much to handle. This is what I'm struggling to succeed at... just pushing these fears and these feelings away... Because I have two legs and arms and two quite functional brain hemispheres, I should be able to work properly, shouldn't I? Could you see this as possible?

Thanks for your time Wakeup, really appreciated.

Celestina,doll You can only keep wishing and hoping and praying and pretending for so long before this all blows up in your face in the form of a broken up relationship or your own mental/emotional wellbeing spiralling downward or both.

Don't be afraid to go back to a therapist. If you're getting the help you need then I'd think that if you're going to have any chance with this guy (after you tell him the truth) then it will be because he sees that you're getting the professional help you need to get you happy without pretending to be.

Yes, I think it's possible for you to get a job outside the home, to be naturally happy and to even be content with another man should this one not find it in him to forgive you. BUT (big but) you can't keep this up and expect to have any of it. Love yourself enough to do therapy, not just consider it for awhile and then keep the status quo.

Good luck.

P.s. Your problems are official. Facing them and then overcoming them instead of denying you have them is the key to getting you to your goals.

[celestina]

Why thank you Wake up, this makes a lot of sense. I will take appropriate measures to try and overcome all of this and make sure I'm heading the right away... Thank you for helping.

Thanks to Cerby as well.

[bcgirl]

This relationship has already been based on lies and will not work. Do the right thing and be honest with him and tell him about your health. How would u feel if he led u onto believe he is single when in fact he is married? It's practically the same thing. If he knew about your mental health, he can decide for himself whether he wants to pursue more with u in life or not. For some ppl this may be a breaking point because if u want off springs, some ppl may not want to have potential off springs with disorders. This issue definitely needs addressing before u two end up married, living together and he sees your health first hand.

[InYourFACE]

oh men.this story is to longgg.I dont know you but im proud of u for not stay in the victim role.but steped up and start makingl something out of it. cause doing notting will make. u more depress.I think stay home mom is great for the kids.I think that is what every mom should do if they can.and u should do it if you think its best thing.and dont wait for what people think.I think u need to be honest to him when you ri ready for cause then he can make a fair dessision if he wants too be with you based On the truth and reality.and while you dont have kids its good for you to finish your school.cause you sound to me. like you dont want to be a homestay person right. now.and dont depent
blindly on no men.cause if something go wrong or kids r older you may want to of have to use your diploma. so go for it.you rrealy have ambitions!but cause of your fear and rusted in the bad situation you have for years u r afraid to step up out of it.just take step by step everyday.and see how it gos. before u know you will be enjoying it all the way.

[InYourFACE]

doing some sports like fitness or walking can help you a lot and make u more active positive.I thiink maybe u r suck up cause of your mom situation. and your issue is more emotionly and in your. thinking.maybe a therapist can help u find the reason and solutions. but for a change u need to step up. u can read some books also about how to motivate yourself