Hi,
My girlfriend of near 4 years decided last week that things had to end and to be honest it was a bit of shock, well, a lot of a shock. Ill give you the back story, it is quite lengthy but I really would appreciate other peoples musings on this that I am not connected to socially or emotionally.
We recently went on holiday as a happy as you like couple, sure things weren't ideal but there was no evidence to suggest things were particularly bad. We went on holiday with another couple who actually broke up towards the end of the trip. After the holiday, my girlfriend (who was friends with both sides of that couple) stayed in close contact with both and witnessed first hand what became a pretty ugly breakup. During this time my girlfriend had stated that she was applying for jobs outwith the City and when asked what I thought, I told her that as she didnt want to have kids, I didnt want to leave and compromises should be made. This was the start of the decline, I think. Following the break up of that other couple, my then girlfriend began to get close to the guy who did the dumping. I was too, he was a good laugh and I would have considered him a very good friend, we had a lot in common. My ex has always gotten on with guys better than girls, its actually one facet that I really loved about her. Some construed it as flirting, but I never doubter her for a second, I never had a reason. Anyway, her best mate, a guy, recently moved to Australia and this guy from the other couple had similar banter so when they started to get close I just sort of thought that she was missing that aspect of her life. I should say here that watching that couple break up was an eye opener - I realised I had to be a more attentive and emotionally available boyfriend, so I decided that my comment about not leaving the city was stupid and I would be an absolute fool to break up what I felt was THE relationship over something so trivial - basically I grew up. I more or less ran home from work that day to give my girlfriend the news - she had been distant and I knew it and I thought it was because she was upset about what I said. Only thing is when I told her what I thought, she seemed unreadable, in fact her demeanor didnt change. As the week wore on, I knew something else was up. One Sunday night I decided to challenge her on it and after about an hours questioning about what was wrong with her, she finally told me - she kissed the guy from the holiday and possibly had feelings for him. I honestly didnt see that coming and anyone who has been told that will know how it felt, heartbroken just isnt the word for it. We cried, we talked, I felt violated but I asked her if she wanted to break up with me and she said no. I knew then that I could forgive her if we both made the commitment to moving past this and learning from it and of course he was removed from both our lives. The next day however she decided that she wanted to think things over, that she didnt know if she wanted to continue because of how the relationship had been for the last year. This is something I will need to explain -
This time last year I started a new job - I had just finished, and spectacularly messed up, my Uni degree and blamed everything but myself. I started a full time job in a call centre and things went down from there - I had money troubles and looking back I now realise that I was actually probably depressed. My girlfriend and I enjoyed a truly amazing weekend away in Rome for a second time in November last year but after that, we did nothing together - we didnt go to the pub, out for dinner, we even sat in different rooms to watch TV. At the time it suited me though because I didnt really want to do that - I didnt want to do anything. My girlfriend had a tough time too - she wasnt happy at her own degree result and couldnt get a job but I was never there for her. I wasnt there to alleviate her boredom and offer her advice because I simply couldnt be bothered. I knew it was bad but I didnt think that we would ever, EVER break up.
Now, back to what I was saying. As soon as she told me that she didnt know if she wanted to be with me, that began what I will always remember as the single worst 2 weeks of my life. I tried everything I could to make her realise that this wasnt dead; we shared a flat - no, a home -, we have a dog together and we were planning our lives, talking about marriage and the future. Nothing I said would work though and after 2 weeks of being in limbo she told me that it was over. I cried and I cried and I cried and I cried. Truthfully, looking back I realise that it was mostly my fault - as I said before I just wasnt there. I think that being around a couple breaking up was probably what started it - she was unhappy and saw all the negativity surrounding them and found herself a friend and "something different" in the guy from the holiday which led to that kiss (she has promised me on her mothers life that nothing else other than that one kiss happened and I believe her!).
The day that we broke up I tried to promise her that everything would be ok and I outlines what would change to make it so. Her response was that she couldnt see how it would work. Now this is why I cannot accept that she has made the right call. Asked her if she loved me, she said yes. I asked her if she was in love with me, she said yes. I asked if she wanted to be with me, she said yes. I asked her if she was leaving me for holiday guy, she said no. I cannot understand why then that this needs to end!! She said she is tired of carrying the relationship (she did, Ill give her that) but when I asked if we were worth the fight she said she wasnt sure she had any left. One other thing, On the day that we broke up, I told her to tell me that it was over. 3 times I told her to say it was over, 3 times she repeated that she couldnt see how it could work before I finally got a tad angry.
Simply, I am not sure that SHE is sure she wants this to end. I have now moved all my stuff out and when I did, before I left she burst out crying, hugged me for about 30 minutes and everytime I tried to leave she held me tighter. I am truly scared that I will always love her and that I will always be waiting for her and I told her this, and I asked her to tell me that there was never going to be a way back to which she replied "I cannot ask you to wait". What does that mean!?!?
I know in my heart that this is ending for the wrong reason, this is the first major crisis we have had in our near 4 years and it guts me that at the first she has essentially cut and run. I told her that I have forgiven her kiss - mistakes happen. But I told her that I wasnt sure I could ever forgive her for ending our relationship. I know that one day she will regret doing it, because when we were happy, we were damn happy and knew it was forever. I just hope its not too late when she realises, but I fear that it will.
I am going over to the flat this week to pick up the remainder of my stuff and I know that it will be a long time till I see her and my dog again. I have a million things I want to say to her. Hell, I have even thought about fabricating a girl from work liking me and telling her that I am going for a drink with her to try and make her a little jealous!
Am I stupid to not let go? I will, in every way I know, try my best to and to get over her but I think I am always going to love her. She is my everything and It breaks my heart everyday when I wake up and realise the wonderful dream I had about her was just that - a dream.
Can anyone suggest what she might be thinking?? Am I wrong to think that somewhere down the line she will realise it was a mistake? What should I say to her when I see her this week?
I just....dont know anymore.
Thanks.