Love is just a miserable lie

[lovecoma]

The situation: Two years ago there was a new guy in my class at the University who over the years I've become very friendly with. From day one he acted really interested, asking me all kinds of questions. He is a very friendly, energetic, funny guy who it turns out, I have a lot in common with. Same kind of background, same kind of likes and dislikes / humour etc. This formed a bound and I would say that we are friends.
Unfortunately my friend is also pretty handsome and over the course of these two years I started developing romantic feelings for him. At first I just saw him as a friend, we spent a lot of time together at school working on assignments, and during the last school months, last schoolyear, we had to work late and he took me out for a meal, which he payed since I had no money. Afterwards we went for a drink and had a really nice time. It's after this event that I started to see him as more than just a friend, and I started wondering whether he liked me more than a friend too.

Now, the thing is, I've been getting a lot of mixed signals from him. Sometimes I think he might have feelings for me too, looks across the room, always smiling, laughing at my jokes, body language, making plans to see eachther outside of school, but there's one mayor problem with that and with the whole situation. He has a girlfriend. As my feelings have grown stronger for him over the last couple of months, our friendship has gotten complicated. I've been acting weird around him because I have trouble dealing with the fact that I've fallen in love (frankly for the first time in my life) with a great guy who's in a relationship. I don't want to lose him as a friend, but at the same time I'm always wondering what his feelings are for me, and I feel bad for feeling this way about a guy who's already in a committed relationship. I do however wonder why he spents so much time with me? I see him everyday and he usually approaches me, so it's hard for me to ignore him, also I don't want to ignore him, because he's a good friend.

So, my question is: Why do you think he's so friendly with me? And what should I do?

[smackie9]

Just tell him how you feel. Then tell him since you have feelings for him that you feel it isn't right for you to hang out together anymore. That should get him to make a decision whether to break up with is GF or not. Trust me he does have an interest in you. Some people are so insecure they need to know there is something there before they dump their SO.

[lovecoma]

Well that's just the thing. I don't think he's insecure at all. He comes across like a confident guy, not cocky or anything, but self-assured. So sometimes I wonder wheter i'm just imagining that he could have any interest in me, maybe he's just friendly. Also if I tell him, and he doesn't have any feelings for me, it will be very awkward. I think it's me who's insecure, I cannot imagine that he would be interested in me in such a way, I'm even amazed that he would like me as a friend, but that's just my insecurities. I would feel very stupid telling him that I like him that way only to find out that he thinks I'm ridiculous for thinking that he could ever like me like that, especially because he's in a relationship. He might get mad. . .

[MaidenMinx]

A lot of seemingly confident people are hiding their insecurities, and often get very good at it.

[smackie9]

only to find out that he thinks I'm ridiculous for thinking that he could ever like me like that, especially because he's in a relationship. He might get mad. . .

If anything he would be flattered, or confess that he likes you too.

[lovecoma]

Just tell him how you feel. Then tell him since you have feelings for him that you feel it isn't right for you to hang out together anymore. That should get him to make a decision whether to break up with is GF or not. Trust me he does have an interest in you. Some people are so insecure they need to know there is something there before they dump their SO.

How are you so sure that he has in interest in me? What are the signs? He could just see me as a friend. If I'm to tell him that I like him and he doesn't feel the same way, our friendship might be ruined. On the other hand, I thought, he might not feel this way about me now, since he's still in a relationship, it might've never crossed his mind. Instead of telling him, I could stick around and see where things go, or would Im be wasting my time?

[knowingher]

just keep in the flow... never tell him about your feelings.. your right since hes in a relationship maybe you will ruin your friendship.

[smackie9]

You are wasting your time then.

[Jack1]

If he is spending that much time with you he may also see you as more than a friend. Its likely he is just as confused as you are about the whole thing, it sounds pretty complicated. Maybe its a good idea to just have an adult chat with him about it. If you approach it the right way it shouldn't ruin your friendship.

[Maple1714]

just keep in the flow... never tell him about your feelings.. your right since hes in a relationship maybe you will ruin your friendship.

OP - Always be honest with people about your feelings! Always! Tell him how you feel, its OK. Either you 2 will become more than friends or you will just remain friends and possibly take a short break to cool off. You never know? A guy does not hang out with a female on a regular basis outside of his relationship just b/c...he obviously has some sort of emotional attachment to you. You don't want to just be his friend...so tell him you want more and leave the ball in his court. Who knows, maybe he will break things off with his GF and you two will be together.

[lovecoma]

I wanted to add a little update. I haven't yet told him about my feelings, I want tp wait and see what will happen.

This weekend we went to a party he invited me to. His girlfriend was there as well. They both went there own way at the party and he sticked with me all night. At one point he started talking to me about how last year he had the feeling that he wanted to break up with her, but that he doesn't feel that way anymore. However then he proceeded to tell me about and complain about how she's lacking in communication with him and how it irritates him. He also told me about a fight he had with her a couple of days before, he feels like he gives a lot but she doesn't. . .it was all a bit vague. At one point he told me that she told him, that he should find another girl.
I than asked him if he believed in monogamy. He didn't say yes or no but his answer was something like this: He's the type of guy that would quickly develop feelings or fall in love with the girl he sleeps with. I told him I had never cheated, he told me he never cheated either.

We talked about their relationship for a very long time, sometimes his gf would come up to us, and we would stop talking about it, but when she left we'd continue the topic. Quite frankly I'm really surprised and confused that he would tell me all of this. Why would he tell me about his relationship issues?

[smackie9]

Because you are a female and he was hoping that he could get some insight from a woman's perspective to help him out.

[surfhb]

Whatever his reason is doesn't matter....he's in a relationship. Just ask the guy what's up?

[lovecoma]

I doubt that he would come to me for a female's perspective on the situation. He has two sisters whom he's very close with. Besides I have a form of autism, he knows that. So if he's looking for insight I doubt he would come to me for answers on how to fix things.

[smackie9]

Obviously he doesn't want to talk about this to family, prob because his GF is close to his family as well. Most people perfer to talk about personal problems to someone that isn't closely involved. Ha try again sister. Talking about personal things is not a sign of affection or intimacy.