What to do now having been cheated on?

[barry1980]

Hello
I am here for a little bit of advice and also because I am in a down in the dumps mood at the moment. This follows me finding out that my girlfriend of 7 years had a sexual relationship with another man.

The man in question was a customer at the pub where she works and for a year I was suspicious of him thanks to facebook posts. Basically she was telling me she was one place when really she was with him. I concluded one weekend that they were together on a little hotel break which I confronted her about a few weeks later. She finally admitted that she went away with him but that they slept in separate beds. Hmm?

Anyway, eventually, he apparently dumped by her and he chose to turn up at my door and tel me who he was and that he had been dating my gf for a year. He further told me that he was suspicious of her dating another male and he showed me photos of her and this other male together on days out. I had not seen these as she refuses me as a friend on facebook.

Anyway, this second bloke has in recent months listed himself as being in a relationship and has couple like piortfolio photos of him and her on his main pic on the facebook. I wish facebok was never invented! It's clear to me that them two have something going on. She had been stopping over at his which she denies.

Well for some reason after all this she tells me she still wants me and that "she doesnt wanna live without me". So I am in this position of whether to try again with her and sweep what she has done under the carpet. She has admitted now to having had a sexual relationship with the first male since November and that went on until March when he came to my door.

She refuses to admit anything sexual involvement with the second male but he still has them both photyographed with harms around eachother on facebook etc. I am wondering whether it would be worth writing him a message on facebook but do not want to come across as the jealous boyfriend type.

I keep thinking of so many good memories with her and old photos are not helping as they show just the good times. My emotions are rock bottom at the moment and just feel like my life is going by at a rete of knots with nothing to show.

All I want is to be happy with a trustworthy partner who I can grow old and have a kids with but I fear that despite all my love for this girl, she will only hurt me again if I tell her we can start over from fresh. I can never see it as being a fresh start because them memories of her being in bed naked with another man doing sexual things is a killer though that I cannot get out of mu head. I feel so cheated on.

Advice greatly needed....Thanks in advance!

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Either drop her completely and ignore all contact, or use her for sex until you find another girl.

[Boisdevie]

She cheated on you. So dump her because there's no way you can have a 'fresh start' - that's just bollocks.

[barry1980]

Thanks guys/girls for your advice. I almost enjoy reading the replies in a theraputic kind of way. When I read what you all write, I know exactly what you say is true and the sane part of my brain connects. But then I get the other feeling which rears its head which tells me I love this girl so why would I not want to be with her.

As a sort of update, she is moving into her first flat which is above a pub (one of the chains she works for). Anyway, I agreed to go and visit her flat so turned up and climbed the roof to access it before ringing her to let her know I was outside. She had been asking me all week if I'd like to come visit. SO I ring her when I am outside and sort of surprise her that I turned up. Turns out she'd told me the wrong pub. SHe was above the chain pub in the next town along. WHy tell me the wrong pub. She made out I had got it wrong but I know full well what she said. ANyway, I didnt travel to the next town. I told her over the phone that at least I had made an effort.

ANd two hours later I text her saying that the stupid f$$$$cked up thing was I put a new tshirt on and sprayed some after shave on in some wierd attempt to impress her. SHe text bk to say I didnt need to impress her. I text bk and said "Don't worry it won't happen again"....and left it at that when she replied saying I need to make up my mind what I want.

She tried ringing this evening but I didnt answer.

My birthday is on Wednesday. Blimey I am going to be 32! She has paid no mention to it so I am wondering if for the first time in 7 years she will forget it. If she does, I have in my head then that will DEFINITELY be it. Even though the sane part of my brain is saying it should be over anyway.

Oh yeah, and when I spoke to her a couple of days ago I said to she should tell that man to take the photo down of him and her clearly as a couple. But her response was to ask that if she does that, will I promise her that we will make another go of it. I made no promise as it was like she was keeping him as a back up which I told her. So she it seems is going to be happy whatever cos if she doesnt have me, she will have him. Although she does want me more instead of him I know for sure. But is there too much water under the bridge. Will she just do it again when another man takes her fancy. How does the woman's mind work?!

Anyway, that is where I stand at the moment. I think my worry is not finding someone again. It's daunting staring from scratch again. It takes ages to build up a solid relationship and who is to say if I do that with another woman, the same isnt to happen again!?

[Kokombos]

This is why I've learned to choose carefully when it comes falling for a girl. I don't know about you, but I suck, I fall in love too quickly, so I'm way too careful who I start to hang with.

Your girlfriend is exactly the kind of girl we would call a "cat", and this is to avoid offensive terms. She works on a pub, loves the night, loves going out with guys. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you, she could be very into you, but her passions and nature will always remain the same.

Now you've been with this girl 7 years. That's a lot of time. You are probably very into this woman, and probably will cost you a shitload of pain to dump her. I know that. BUT it won't get better if she is as you described. You either accept her for what she is, and have that sort of "open relationship"; or man up and dump her, block her, ignore her and never ever try to look her up (because if she is as you say, she WILL try to get back with you).

But if you think you can get back with her and have a healthy relationship without anymore infidelities, then I'm sorry man, it just won't happen. This is not the case of a woman who cheated on you one time during a momment of weakness.

[Ange Barnes]

This girl is not the one - move forward and keep going!

[mrFrog]

Keep your head up high and walk away. There's ton of better women out there. Don't waste your time for a cheater. Let her find another stupid man. I know that giving up a 7yrs relationship when you still love her is so hard. You need a period of time to heal your heart. Sometimes you'll feel frustrated. But it is temporary, it'll subside. Believe me, you'll be happy again in the near future.

[MsAdele]

I know you are in awful situation but you know in your heart what you are to do and whats best for you but its just the fear of the unknown that is stopping you. Jez you are only 32 for god sake! Your not ancient, I'm sure you'll find some girl that is loving and caring and who will put 100% in to a relationship with just you and not 2 or 3 other men (which you know of). Yes 7 years is a long time because you would have gone through so much together but what if you spend another 7 years with this woman and she continues as she is - which she will - will you be able to live with it, do you love her enough to stay with her and "share" her with other men or do you have enough courage to get her the hell out of your life and start fresh. She will not change because there is too much temptation plus she had men falling around her. The only thing I can say is cut your losses, start your 32nd birthday as a new start. Best of luck

[barry1980]

I like the advice of starting my 32nd bday as a fresh start! I would maybe tell her once and for all on that date (this Wednesday) that its over for good but I don't want that date to be synonomous with the break up! Not sure, I am half tempted to se eher on my bday as I have nthing else to really do and have booked the day off work.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Send her a text message asking her not to contact you anymore. Ignore her after that, and do it before your birthday.

[barry1980]

Send her a text message asking her not to contact you anymore. Ignore her after that, and do it before your birthday.

I want to see if she actuually remembers my bday so dont wanna say dont contact me just yet. Plus I know if I said that I wouldnt exactly mean it as I am at the stage still where I actually want her to call even though I would not necessarily answer phone.

It does cross my mind about dumping all her clothes on the floor at the pub where she works but I really dont want to make a fool out of myself. At the same time I want her to know how much I am hurting. By not speaking to her on the phone or answering her texts I am just thinking that she thinks I dont care. I am struggling somewhat and am trying to keep busy but when indoors I just find myself checking this site and looking on fbook to see if he has made any further update to his profile regarding him n her. AM I going out of my mind. Grrrrr.

[HeartIsAching]

Hello
I am here for a little bit of advice and also because I am in a down in the dumps mood at the moment. This follows me finding out that my girlfriend of 7 years had a sexual relationship with another man.

The man in question was a customer at the pub where she works and for a year I was suspicious of him thanks to facebook posts. Basically she was telling me she was one place when really she was with him. I concluded one weekend that they were together on a little hotel break which I confronted her about a few weeks later. She finally admitted that she went away with him but that they slept in separate beds. Hmm?

Anyway, eventually, he apparently dumped by her and he chose to turn up at my door and tel me who he was and that he had been dating my gf for a year. He further told me that he was suspicious of her dating another male and he showed me photos of her and this other male together on days out. I had not seen these as she refuses me as a friend on facebook.

Anyway, this second bloke has in recent months listed himself as being in a relationship and has couple like piortfolio photos of him and her on his main pic on the facebook. I wish facebok was never invented! It's clear to me that them two have something going on. She had been stopping over at his which she denies.

Well for some reason after all this she tells me she still wants me and that "she doesnt wanna live without me". So I am in this position of whether to try again with her and sweep what she has done under the carpet. She has admitted now to having had a sexual relationship with the first male since November and that went on until March when he came to my door.

She refuses to admit anything sexual involvement with the second male but he still has them both photyographed with harms around eachother on facebook etc. I am wondering whether it would be worth writing him a message on facebook but do not want to come across as the jealous boyfriend type.

I keep thinking of so many good memories with her and old photos are not helping as they show just the good times. My emotions are rock bottom at the moment and just feel like my life is going by at a rete of knots with nothing to show.

All I want is to be happy with a trustworthy partner who I can grow old and have a kids with but I fear that despite all my love for this girl, she will only hurt me again if I tell her we can start over from fresh. I can never see it as being a fresh start because them memories of her being in bed naked with another man doing sexual things is a killer though that I cannot get out of mu head. I feel so cheated on.

Advice greatly needed....Thanks in advance!

If you stay with her, you will be telling her that if she's sufficiently penitent, you'll take her back. There will be no actual consequences for her actions, and she WILL do it to you again. Unless you feel comfortable about sharing her with other guys, it's time to walk away.

[smackie9]

Dude this girl is a serial cheater, even before FB. Here's a tip....as soon as you see a change in behavior, something doesn't add up, or there is extra attention on FB, she hides her phone, messages are deleted, or you hear "oh he is just a friend" run away as fast as you can.

[MsAdele]

I like the advice of starting my 32nd bday as a fresh start! I would maybe tell her once and for all on that date (this Wednesday) that its over for good but I don't want that date to be synonomous with the break up! Not sure, I am half tempted to se eher on my bday as I have nthing else to really do and have booked the day off work.

Don't lower yourself to her level. I know you are hurting but you need to pull yourself back. Do not go to her workplace with her clothes because you are only going to regret it and it will make you look like the bad guy. Stop looking at her on FB! I think a problem for you also is the loneliness of being on your own, do not meet her for your birthday, do something nice for yourself there are lots of things you can do without her. If she actually forgets about your birthday then that says it all. Go out for your birthday and enjoy it. Its obvious that you are going to miss her but your know that you are better off without her.

[barry1980]

She just phoned after me ignoring her last text and call for past two days. She wanted to wish me a happy bday for tomorrow! Grrrr.....I still had aconvo with her about how hurtful cheating can be. I didnt shout and I didnt swear. I was calm . Lots of tears from her and she says she knows she done wrong. At one point I said ok I will meet u for a coffee tomorrow but more tears and more opinions from me and that sort of got left. So who knows. I fel like Im being sucked back in cos she thinks I pushed her to do it cos I neglected her. Hmmmm....I dont think I did. Think she just wanted sex with other men!