What do you do when you discover the importance of sexual compatibility too late?

[MaidenMinx]

I had never considered the issue of sexual compatibility before discovering this forum. I just figured that in my long term relationships I was bound to grow bored and uninterested after a time. Now I wonder if it's something more...

I love my husband. He and our son are the greatest things to have ever happened to me. He is my best friend and we are a great team. And to start with, things were fantastic in the bedroom. Now, it's still good, but it's not what I want, and I know he can't give me what I want. I have discovered over the years that I am a bit of a masochist. I have also discovered the things I would like to experience freak the crap out of my husband.

It's gotten to a point where I can't get aroused without fantasising about things that would make a lot of peoples skin crawl. But when the fantasy meets the reality of what my husband is and isn't willing to do it's, well, disappointing.

I'm sure I won't leave this thread up for long. This forums nasty streak is not reserved for new posters and I don't know how long I am prepared to leave myself open to criticism, even though I know there are some long memories in here....

[uap5765]

Can't you talk to him about it and tell him to just give it a shot? Even just one shot... and if things doesn't turn out well, then that's your answer. Either he would like it when he experienced it or you won't like it when he does it badly.

[MaidenMinx]

Can't you talk to him about it and tell him to just give it a shot? Even just one shot... and if things doesn't turn out well, then that's your answer. Either he would like it when he experienced it or you won't like it when he does it badly.

We've discussed it and I know exactly how far he is willing to go, and it makes him extremely uncomfortable when I am asking him to hurt me; which I understand completely, and that makes me love him more.

I can shift the idea out of my head, but then I find myself very rarely interested in sex. Then a series of things will happen to tweak my interest again. We'll have an active sex life for a while then I'll get bored again. It's a horrible vicious circle that is extremely unfair on my husband.

[Boisdevie]

I suppose you have to decide whether the fact that your sexual needs aren't being met are enough of a reason to find that sexual pleasure elsewhere, either with the agreement of your husband, or leave your husband.

[uap5765]

Well, you could say that by him hurting you while doing it shows that he loves you, since you're a masochist and that he's doing a favor for you. It's a weak argument though, because it's kind of a conflict for the "love" that he knows.

I think in reality, all marriages go through that vicious cycle you're talking about. Remember that you're not the only one. It's just how humans are built. I kind of read an article about how humans just can't stay "in love" or "sexually attracted" forever with the same partner. And unfortunately I can't give the link because of forum restrictions (have to get 10 posts), but then you can search: "The Anatomy of a Cheating Brain"

I also read some other studies about these chemicals in the brain, but overall, it's not an excuse for betrayal. My point is, it's NOT you're fault that you're feeling these things. Maybe your husband feels or will feel this cycle too. And although you can't stay "in love" or "sexually attracted" with same partner forever, you can however LOVE that person by caring and sticking with him for good or for bad. There's a difference between being in love and love.

This is just my opinion though.

[MaidenMinx]

I suppose you have to decide whether the fact that your sexual needs aren't being met are enough of a reason to find that sexual pleasure elsewhere, either with the agreement of your husband, or leave your husband.

That's what I have figured, but how the hell do you start that conversation? Darling I love you but due to the fact that you refuse to hurt me I want you to let other people hurt me? Oh and deal with the visual aftermath of me having my fun?

I don't imagine that is a conversation that would work well.... But I know they are my choices. I think I just needed it confirmed.

[uap5765]

Darling I love you but due to the fact that you refuse to hurt me I want you to let other people hurt me?

Well, I guess it's just the same with men hiring prostitutes to satisfy their sexual desires.

[MaidenMinx]

Well, you could say that by him hurting you while doing it shows that he loves you, since you're a masochist and that he's doing a favor for you. It's a weak argument though, because it's kind of a conflict for the "love" that he knows.

I think in reality, all marriages go through that vicious cycle you're talking about. Remember that you're not the only one. It's just how humans are built. I kind of read an article about how humans just can't stay "in love" or "sexually attracted" forever with the same partner. And unfortunately I can't give the link because of forum restrictions (have to get 10 posts), but then you can search: "The Anatomy of a Cheating Brain"

I also read some other studies about these chemicals in the brain, but overall, it's not an excuse for betrayal. My point is, it's NOT you're fault that you're feeling these things. Maybe your husband feels or will feel this cycle too. And although you can't stay "in love" or "sexually attracted" with same partner forever, you can however LOVE that person by caring and sticking with him for good or for bad. There's a difference between being in love and love.

This is just my opinion though.

Thank you for this. Knowing that this is a normal(ish) process for people to go through helps.

I do love my husband very much. This is the only problem we have ever had that I'm not sure how to improve. We go through such long dry spells I am surprised he has stuck with me all these years. We get along brilliantly and we make each other laugh. We have fun and enjoy the same taste in music. Our son is wonderful and my husband is a fantastic father. I don't see myself leaving him over this.

[MaidenMinx]

Well, I guess it's just the same with men hiring prostitutes to satisfy their sexual desires.

I've considered saying "you let me do this, you can have a hooker for the night" :p

[uap5765]

I've considered saying "you let me do this, you can have a hooker for the night" :p

I'll accept that deal if I were him. Lol. )

[Boisdevie]

I don't see myself leaving him over this.

Then why bother having this conversation? You accept the fact that sexually your relationship is less than perfect. And get on with it.

[MaidenMinx]

Then why bother having this conversation? You accept the fact that sexually your relationship is less than perfect. And get on with it.

I don't know. I guess I was resisting settling with that idea...

[HeartIsAching]

Weren't you seeing a counselor? Have you brought any of this up with him/her?

Frankly, most of those types of sexual deviations stem from past abuses, particularly childhood molestation. Please note that I'm NOT judging, I've got deviations of my own, but I'm fortunate enough to have spouse that shares those deviations.

[steviej]

Knowing he's very reserved about this fetish, do you think you approached it with him in the wrong way?

Rather than tell him you want slapping/whips/strangulation etc, did you try to ease him into it gradually by asking him to spank your ass when doing doggy style, and over time get him comfortable with doing more and more s&m stuff?

My gf is loves being dominated in bed, tied up, spanked, hair pulled, throat grabbed that kind of thing. I'd not really experienced a sub before so it took a bit of getting used to!

[MaidenMinx]

Knowing he's very reserved about this fetish, do you think you approached it with him in the wrong way?

Rather than tell him you want slapping/whips/strangulation etc, did you try to ease him into it gradually by asking him to spank your ass when doing doggy style, and over time get him comfortable with doing more and more s&m stuff?

My gf is loves being dominated in bed, tied up, spanked, hair pulled, throat grabbed that kind of thing. I'd not really experienced a sub before so it took a bit of getting used to!

Oh he was eased and that thrilled him at first, but he just can't bring himself to do more. He's happy for me to be auto-masochistic, but knows his limits.