Is my marriage over?

[MsAdele]

Hi Everyone.

I'm new to this site and would like your opinion on my woes.

I am married for 2 years but have been with the same man for the past 16 years. I met him when I was 18 and pretty much went through my adult life with him, he is kind and caring BUT I think have fallen out of love with him and its due to lack of communication over the past few years - little things started to build up and build up and compound themselves until it all came to a stop when I found out that he was gambling and lost a lot of money on it.

About 3 years ago, he lost his job due to him trying to steal some money from his boss, he broke down and told me that he had gambled a considerable amount of money. He was so distraught that i stuck with him, a couple of months later we were due to marry and we did but now I think that he only asked me because it was his way of fixing things with us. To be honest, I would have loved to have married years ago as you can imagine I'm with him for 16 years and he never mentioned marriage, looking back I resent him for it now. I don't know why I stayed with him so long when he wasnt showing any signs of marrying me BUT we did buy a house together which was his way of showing a commitment and he thought we were good but inside I was really confused as to why he never asked me. He always told me he loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me.

We decided to have a new start so we moved so that he could get another job BUT before I could move I had to leave my job and give 4 months notice. He was on his own for 4 months but I met him nearly every weekend if not every second weekend. I could see by him that he was struggling and he used to cry when I was leaving him on Sunday evenings. When I eventually did move, we started bickering and arguing and then he told me that he didn't know whether he loved me or not because he wasn't sure of my commitment to him as he says I always put every one else before him. He does not have any family support as they are not a close family unlike mine who are very supportive and very close. He thinks it is strange that I do so much for them but he does not understand that this is what I would consider to be a "normal" family life that we do things for each other.

I have left him for a few weeks to see if things would change, I came back and it was good for a few weeks but then went back to square one again, it seems i'm going forward but being pushed back again. I'm afraid it does not stop there, I found out recently that he has been looking at porn sites and that he pays money to these women for dirty texts etc I was absolutely devastated when I found out this he had spent a lot of money on it and now I don't know if I can trust him it seems as if he obsessed with these sites now and sex with him has changed, all I think is he sees me as one of those women.

I'm so confused, I don't know if I'll ever trust him again, I don't feel that he loves me anymore and to be honest he has hurt me so much over the past few years that if I let my guard down he'll break my heart all over again. I am considering leaving him because there is no love between us but we've been with each other so long, we're familiar with each other and he is one of my best friends plus I worry about him because he would have no one to turn to which is a major concern for me. We have tried couselling but it has not worked.

I'm sorry that this is so long but I wanted to get everything in and I would appreciate your advice or views or if you had similar problems. Thanks xx

[KingZ]

Yes.​​​​​​​​

[iamaninnocentma]

No. .

[IndiReloaded]

Maybe so. .

[iamaninnocentma]

I wonder how the evil genius posts with less than 11 characters.

[haxan]

You didn't say you have children. If you don't, then you're plenty young enough to break ties, start over and find new love. It doesn't sound like you've come very far in your life to this point. Don't cheat yourself. It's hard to leave someone, even if they're no longer someone you love, when you've been with them for so long. You have to break, find new acquaintances and move on.

[vashti]

Agree with haxan; we need to know if there are kids in the mix before advising. Kids change everything.

[Wakeup]

Regardless if you have children, I think you should leave him unless HE gets some rehab for his addictions. You, perhaps some personal therapy for your co-dependency. Couples councelling has already been tried so forget that at this point.

Only a codependent person would marry a man who blew away all his money by gambling and then stole from his boss to pay it back. You had a good chance to leave him then but you didn't even though you knew you should and now it's quite possible that his debt will be half yours should you leave him. Start the process of getting over your fear of leaving him by talking to a lawyer to see what your rights are. Then scan the classified ads for places that you can afford to live when you leave. That will make you less fearful.

A therapist familiar with codependency or even Ala-non will help you see yourself to the point where you'll have the strength to leave a dysfunctional union. If he ever gets the help he needs to overcome his addictive personality and manipulative ways then perhaps you can think about reconcilliation once he's graduated rehab and councelling. In the meantime, you deserve to be free of all this as do your children if you happen to have any.

He'll never change as long as you stay and enable him to be this person he currently is.

[iamaninnocentma]

You didn't say you have children. If you don't, then you're plenty young enough to break ties, start over and find new love. It doesn't sound like you've come very far in your life to this point. Don't cheat yourself. It's hard to leave someone, even if they're no longer someone you love, when you've been with them for so long. You have to break, find new acquaintances and move on.

stfu please

[haxan]

stfu please

Where is all of this anger coming from innocentma? I stuck up for you just the other day. Some guys on the other side of the internet were saying that they saw you eating a peanut butter and dick sandwich, and I told them "Bullshit ! innocentma doesn't eat peanut butter".

Ungrateful wimp.

[KingZ]

I wonder how the evil genius posts with less than 11 characters.

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[KingZ]

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[IndiReloaded]

I wonder how the evil genius posts with less than 11 characters.



[IndiReloaded]



[KingZ]

You're welcome.

Fu​ck.

As an alternative to copy/pasting my posts, you can type "& #8203;" without the quotes and without the space between & and #. Most rules on this forum can be broken.