Cant move past my girlfriends past!Please help!

[babypink]

Yes I agree she has issues with sex due to her past and that is where the problem is now with him thinking she is cheating. I must admit it sounds like she may well be but it's her behaviour that encourages that belief so serious counselling is needed to address her problems, to help the problems in the relationship. It depends on how much you love her and how much you don't want to loose her and her son and also if you have the strength yourself to deal with her issues as to whether you should stick around and make it work. Is she worth it?

[Mr.Bartender]

I'm very suprised at how "sexually free" she is/was too after that trauma. To me it seems not normal, and that's why I hate these ex lovers and group sex.part.ers still being around. A big part of me thinks she.used and was used for sex, but as long as they still talk to her she's cool with it because she feels like she was accepted...? Thoughts

[smackie9]

I really advice that you stop analyzing the reasons why. I know you want to understand but, it boils down to this....your happiness. Realistically you will not find it with her. Stop hoping to make her into something your wish for....it's over.

[babypink]

I think Mr Bartender maybe onto something and I also think it boils down to what Smackie9 says. For some reason in relationships it's harder to put your happiness first.

[Mr.Bartender]

I really advice that you stop analyzing the reasons why. I know you want to understand but, it boils down to this....your happiness. Realistically you will not find it with her. Stop hoping to make her into something your wish for....it's over.

Smackie thank you. I just want you to know that as childish I may sound, I am really heartbroke right now and yes, you are totally right, I do need to stop, I'm just really having a hard time. We have been together for over 2 years and I'm just really torn up inside.

[Mr.Bartender]

I think Mr Bartender maybe onto something and I also think it boils down to what Smackie9 says. For some reason in relationships it's harder to put your happiness first.

Baby thank you for all your input. I guess I have been waiting for her to have some sort of revelation and its not gonna happen.

[babypink]

No it's probably not. I wonder have you ever brought up with her your comment about these other guys and her just wanting to feel accepted. It's probably too sensitive to mention to her but maybe if she understood it a bit more it would help her come out of it. I think her revelation will come when she looses you to be honest.

[smackie9]

It's psychology 101. Of course women with low self esteem will use sex to be accepted. And of course whatever happened in childhood can predict certain behavior in adults. But knowing why she has this behavior isn't going to make her change. She has to see a problem with it and seek out help for herself....which isn't going to happen. It's not bothering her in the least, because it's learned behavior, and it comes naturally to her, so she doesn't find it an issue only he does. She wants him to accept her for who she is and I don't blame her. He can't get get his head around it, nor should he due to these circumstances. He would have to change for her, and I find that unfair because he is a stand up guy. Respect from her is lacking, because she doesn't find it necessary to follow some kind of relationship "boundaries". That will never change, so it comes down to compatibility. There isn't any. If you don't have compatibility then the relationship will never survive for the long haul.

[babypink]

Very insightful smackie9. Interestingly points about her natural learned behaviour. I suppose we all have that but in different ways, unfortunately for this girl she's allowing others to take advantage of her.

[smackie9]

Smackie thank you. I just want you to know that as childish I may sound, I am really heartbroke right now and yes, you are totally right, I do need to stop, I'm just really having a hard time. We have been together for over 2 years and I'm just really torn up inside.

No one said being in love would be easy. We are all faced with challenges. Relationships will come and go, that's how life prepares us for marriage. We fail, learn, grow and thrive.

[smackie9]

Very insightful smackie9. Interestingly points about her natural learned behaviour. I suppose we all have that but in different ways, unfortunately for this girl she's allowing others to take advantage of her.

I don't see it as her being taken advantage of if she accepts it and doesn't find it a problem. I don't buy the stigma that women are helpless. If they choose to be more sexually open that's their business. She is an adult, she is allowed to live her life the way she sees fit.

[Mr.Bartender]

What about if your partner told you something that you do really bothers them, good or bad...would you try to change for them?

[smackie9]

It depends on what it was.......if he told me not to socialize with my male friends I would have an issue with that.

[babypink]

Well sometimes they can't. My husband doesn't want to loose me but there's loads I'm not happy about the way he is but he can't change it. He admits it, accepts it but can't change it. You can't change somebody however much you think it's the right way for them to be.

[Mr.Bartender]

It depends on what it was.......if he told me not to socialize with my male friends I would have an issue with that.

So if he asked you to not talk to your ex lovers you would have a problem?