be cruel to be kind if you must

[smackie9]

You are an idiot....if he doesn't want to meet you irl then ditch the bastard...the guy is probably married or something like that anyways.

Are you that desperate?

[Wakeup]

You are an idiot....if he doesn't want to meet you irl then ditch the bastard...the guy is probably married or something like that anyways.

Are you that desperate?

Well that sums it up quite nicely... :o)

[1smittenkitten]

I think you have a problem with intimacy, and that's probably why you were felt safe with this guy, since he was on the interwebz and you could really feel it out first and cut it off easier if need be

That pretty much sums it up. His cowardly issues (and I agree he is being a coward) are my own as well.

I'm not angry about my independence but I am extremely passionate about it. All women ought to be. it's only fairly recently (in the last 5 years) That I even understood the importance of it. That I even attempted to be such a thing. To know that the feeling something isn't right, that little bit of anxiety is because **I** want to get away and go do something for myself. Work on a song, have a drink with the girls or whatever and NOT because some guy isn't giving me what I want from him. omg what a revelation! I don't need some guy to make me feel good? holy shit! freedom guys. It's not anger it's recently acquired freedom.

I also do not feel like I am wasting my life. I am fine with being single, yes even for another year. Even for 2 or 3 or 4. I am very busy with things that have nothing to do with the internet or this guy but at the end of doing all of it all day, what *I* want to do to relax is not watch a tv show, or go out and have casual sex with some guy. I met him doing what it is *I* like to do with my hour or 2 of free time before bed/booktime. I'd be doing it whether he was there or not but It's definitely a better time when he's there.

At this moment in my life I can honestly say I do not want an "assertive man who's not afraid of commitment" because I am definitely not unafraid of it myself. I think it shows a lot of maturity not to jump into things. I think he and I are on the same page there which is why it is easy for me to agree that one year is not a bad thing. On the other hand..

what's wrong with you that you'd allow this to continue on under his conditions and his alone. Are you that addicted to your crappy online banter that you give up yourself and allow him to string you along?

You're right. These were his conditions, this was not an open conversation where I had a say, or my feelings were taken into account. I don't like that.
How do you know you're being strung along until the year is up? What if at the end of the year I come back and we are a happy couple. Would you still say I was being strung along? What if at the end of the year we are nothing and I was "strung along", but enjoyed the ride? Even if we were to get married tomorrow there is no guarantee we'd still be talking a year from now..

That's the funny thing about life, and the years in it, there is never ever any guarantees about what will be different from now til then.

Is that "losing myself". Is that a lack of self respect? I don't know. I'm not giving up anything in my life to have him in it, in this capacity for now.

My friends do not understand my celibacy at all.They are either in long term committed relationships themselves (that half the time, they seem not to even want to be in) or very desperately wanting to be in one. Personally I think they are stupid, so yeh you're right my friends would think all of this is stupid but we all clearly have very different ideas about what's stupid.

My friend, he's been celibate for about the same time, Also definitely wasn't planning for or expecting to "like" someone they met, where we met. We are in this boat together, it's just that I seem to have inadvertently handed him the oars with this year thing. Maybe it's not a boat maybe it's a train..

All aboard the coward train, choo choo!

I'm just curious if it was ME who needed the year would your answers be to tell me not to string him along? That I clearly wasn't interested in him if I didn't wanna jump into things today? I can't tell you the relief I felt when he didn't want to meet right away -yes it was also mixed with disappointment but the relief, oh the relief!

Anyway thanks for replying, You've given me some good things to think about. I really do appreciate being able to see different sides to things so I can really own my decision to wait, or to move on now.

[1smittenkitten]

It just doesn't really make any sense why he wants to wait a year to meet in person? Is he waiting for a divorce to finalize? Is he waiting until his 18th birthday? Remember you are communicating with someone over the Internet....it could all be a lie. Have you seen that documentary called Catfish? You should watch it.

You think you know this person...but really you have no idea who he is.

He made a decision for himself 5 years ago that he was done with relationships for ever after the end of a nine year relationship. We talked about this a lot when we first met because it was something we had in common. It all seems so immature to me now, "Im done for ever, i got my feelings hurt and I'm never even gonna try again" was the basic jist

but -shrug- that's where we both were, after a few months of hanging out he started talking about how maybe he'd want a relationship one day but not for a few years, a few days after that he told me he did want to meet me but needed a year. Keep in mind this was said without any pressure from me. He told me he never wanted a relationship again I said, "I hear you."
He told me he was sure we'd end up together because he "knows himself"

, "oh not again life, not again" haha, said with this wistful air of having already been defeated (yes we talk on voice more than text) I said "well you don't know me, and your'e one arrogant guy to assume Id want to be in a relationship with you, just because you see yourself in one with me" ..he agreed, and yet still felt it to be so.

"I know myself, I'm old enough and experienced enough to know myself and my feelings and what they mean" He said. has said multiple times, in reference to his confidence that we will in fact end up a couple when we meet. That he isn't ready for that to happen yet and therefore is afraid to meet. That he keeps getting love feelings for me and has to distance himself from me emotionally. That he finds things I do adorable. I've said things to him like "You dont even know we'd get along in real life, the mediums are entirely different, we could hate one another"

he adamantly disagreed, was convincing -me- that we were definitely compatible.

Yeh that -does- seem entirely plausible to me, because I am there too! I don't think I had told myself I was -never- having a relationship ever again but I definitely figured i'd be single for a few more years and was very content to do so.

I guess because *I* am going to use this year to try and deal with the fact that I might be in a relationship at the end of it, and that my life will be very different as a result it seems entirely reasonable to me that he is simply doing the same..adjusting himself to the very real possibility that in a few months his decision to be single for ever is knocked on its ass and he is now dealing with the possibility of another huge loss (if we breakup, or don't work out or whatever)

Love is scary, loss hurts. -shrug-

And if he's lying, if hes a 400 pound married used to be a woman, with borderline personality disorder? hahaha so what? So I call him a liar and stop talking to him. people you meet in real life often lie about shit too. I'm a big girl, I can deal with it. the great thing about not meeting him in real life is it's just as easy for me to walk away next year as it will be for him.
The really scary stuff happens after we meet cause then it's real..then feelings can get damaged but hanging out online for a few more months? pff that's a week of feeling kinda sad and dumb and then -over it- Seems like a small risk for the possibility of a huge gain.

[Wakeup]

You're right. These were his conditions, this was not an open conversation where I had a say, or my feelings were taken into account. I don't like that.

Most people wouldn't like it. It's a red flag that he calls all the shots, isnt jonesing to meet you in person, has such issues that he needs a GD year before he'll show his real face to you. Everything he's said are only words. Words mean nothing unless there are actions to back them up. Until you spend time with him, get to see if his actions match his words, then consider everything he's said as him either just telling you what he thinks you want to hear or, him hiding behind them to avoid you seeing who he really is. He wants you to fall for him (which you obviously have/are) BEFORE you even know the real, true him.

How do you know you're being strung along until the year is up? What if at the end of the year I come back and we are a happy couple.

What if your Aunt had balls.. She'd then be your uncle. Your statment makes about as much sense as mine just did. Women of self-worth do not take a chance with their emotional health on such whimsy as a relationship formed on sand.

Would you still say I was being strung along? What if at the end of the year we are nothing and I was "strung along", but enjoyed the ride?

Enjoyed what ride. You call words on a screen and being duped as "enjoying the ride?" You may talk the talk about having improved your self-worth, which you have improved btw, but you ceertainly need a whole lot more help with it if you'd let some dude you've never met keep on keeping on the way you have been.

Even if we were to get married tomorrow there is no guarantee we'd still be talking a year from now..

Please stop trying to justify your fear, insecurity, lack of self-worth (because if you really had some you would have told this chump to hit it the minute he said I'll not meet you for a year) and intimacy issues with silly, illogical statements like that one.

This is your life. If you want to have cyber sex because you're too afraid to let a man into your life FOR REAL then so be it but you know that is exactly what you are doing and you're looking for someone to give you permission. Ask yourself why you need others to tell you its a super thing you've got going on.

That's the funny thing about life, and the years in it, there is never ever any guarantees about what will be different from now til then.

More of you justifying and you're doing it on a sand castle instead of a solid foundation. Solid foundations have a far better guarantee of not crumbling.

Is that "losing myself". Is that a lack of self respect? I don't know. I'm not giving up anything in my life to have him in it, in this capacity for now.

More fear, insecurity and fear of intimacy justification. Do you not see that you'll be giving up your emotions for a man you've never even touched, who you've never watched sleep, who you've never had the pleasure of inhaling his unique scent, who you've never kissed or had the pleasure of even hugging but, if it doesn't work out you will still be suffering some very real break up emotions after having never experienced any of the good one's first. You will be giving up your emotional well being as you psychologically and emotionally bond with him through words without any of the benefits that functional adults get to experience when in love and that is a huge sacrifice ~ that is what you will be giving up. You fool only yourself with your bravado about being able to just be able to walk away from someone who you have been bonding with through fantasy and words without action to back them as being true.

My friends do not understand my celibacy at all.

If the don't understand your celebacy, wait till they find out about your online fantasy, control freak "suiter" who you allow to set ALL terms of your fantasy courtship because you have issues.

I'm just curious if it was ME who needed the year would your answers be to tell me not to string him along? That I clearly wasn't interested in him if I didn't wanna jump into things today? I can't tell you the relief I felt when he didn't want to meet right away -yes it was also mixed with disappointment but the relief, oh the relief!

Get yourself some personal therapy. There is a reason why you fear men.. maybe therapy will get you past it. And, yes I would tell him to run fast from you if the roles were reversed because the whole situation is riddled with psychological and emotional dysfunction.

Anyway thanks for replying, You've given me some good things to think about. I really do appreciate being able to see different sides to things so I can really own my decision to wait, or to move on now.

You know something is wrong... hence this thread. Don't ignore your gut. Have you even seen a photo of him, cammed in real time or talked on the phone?

[1smittenkitten]

Enjoyed what ride. You call words on a screen and being duped as "enjoying the ride?"

<- I don't like the implication I am being duped, perhaps I am but that has yet to be proven. It seems so biased towards the worst, I'm not geared that way.
As for enjoying the ride, I laugh -so- hard and have -the- best time when we hang out. As I've stated before, this is a place I'd be hanging out whether I had met him there or not. I have online pals there much like the three of you seem to be e-pals, I go there to shoot the shit and have a laugh before bed. I hate TV, I don't go to clubs and Roller derby isn't every night of the week. I really like it yeh I'm a nerd, so sue me.
There are things I'd talk about with strangers online I wouldn't talk about with my real life friends (like my penchant for zombie games). I work in HR and my HAPPY TO HELP YOU personality is actually genuine, I am happy to help people but I do not always want to do it in a polite way. I have to for work. I do not have to here. I can be myself online.

This is your life. If you want to have cyber sex because you're too afraid to let a man into your life FOR REAL then so be it but you know that is exactly what you are doing and you're looking for someone to give you permission. Ask yourself why you need others to tell you its a super thing you've got going on.

haha I am not having any kind of sex, that is so gross hahahaha. I agree I am definitely Spending time online in general, to avoid meeting real men for real life romantic situations. I am absolutely not looking for anyones approval. I genuinely came here looking for the answer I didn't want to hear about this one guy in particular and this one year thing. I already know all the reasons I think it's a good idea, I could go on about it for a month. I can't make a decision I can truly own without -both- sides. I wanted to hear exactly why it is a shit idea.

Do you not see that you'll be giving up your emotions for a man you've never even touched, who you've never watched sleep, who you've never had the pleasure of inhaling his unique scent, who you've never kissed or had the pleasure of even hugging but, if it doesn't work out you will still be suffering some very real break up emotions after having never experienced any of the good one's first. You will be giving up your emotional well being as you psychologically and emotionally bond with him through words without any of the benefits that functional adults get to experience when in love and that is a huge sacrifice ~ that is what you will be giving up. You fool only yourself with your bravado about being able to just be able to walk away from someone who you have been bonding with through fantasy and words without action to back them as being true.

<--THAT is why I came here That right there. No I really didn't see it til I just read it. That is something I cannot argue with or Justify away no matter how hard I try.

You will be giving up your emotional well being as you psychologically and emotionally bond with him through words without any of the benefits that functional adults get to experience when in love and that is a huge sacrifice ~ that is what you will be giving up.

You're not wrong, but he did it too, We did it together and that means -something- to me.. All that other shit is scary as hell after five years without it.

Baby steps.

You fool only yourself with your bravado about being able to just be able to walk away from someone who you have been bonding with through fantasy and words

yes well he fools himself with the same, doesn't he?

You know something is wrong... hence this thread. Don't ignore your gut. Have you even seen a photo of him, cammed in real time or talked on the phone?

I'm the only person he's sent a photo to in years. The people we chat with have all speculated about what he looks like for ages. The chat we use is voice enabled, so while we have not talked on the telephone proper, the majority of our conversations have been done through voice. If he is a bullshitter he is a spectacular one, but then, he would be. -shrug-

You've given me something to think about that's for certain.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

What you're doing can barely be called thinking, if at all. The plain truth is, he would want to meet you if he really had an interest in something real.

Tell him that he's got you excited about dating again, and you're going on a date and see how he responds. I have no clue what this would accomplish, but I think it would be interesting.

[Wakeup]

yes well he fools himself with the same, doesn't he?

You don't know that. It could be his hobby to do this for all you know. I suggest you worry about you and the negative things that can come of this for you and don't take anything that you assume about him into consideration.

You have social issues, that is plain to see and anything any of us say here to you won't mean a thing (not even the things that have made you think) since you seem to have made up your mind to wait and live your fantasy. While you wait and chat and bond more with him, may I suggest you use some of your time by discussing this whole thing with a councellor. I would think that your company benefits would cover you and you could delve into your fear of men/sharing yourself for real with them and your willingness to be swept along on some strange man's whim. \

I'm the only person he's sent a photo to in years.

pffft. Do you even know it's of him? No, no you don't do you.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

I have an answer......shut off the computer.

[1smittenkitten]

What I am upset about is that I miss you when you are gone. This tells me I am growing too attached. That my emotions for you are real even if a relationship is not. That is scary and not healthy.
It's no secret that you're a very controlling person.
You have control over everything to do with our friendship.
When we talk, Where we talk, How long we talk, usually even what we talk about. When or if we will ever meet. Everything is on your terms and your terms alone and I'm starting to feel like im left with the dilemma of choosing between my self respect and continuing on with this.
That's not a good place to be.
I really want both my self respect and to keep knowing you.
Someone said something to me recently that just slammed me really hard, she said" Do you not see that you'll be giving up your emotions for a man you've never even touched, who you've never watched sleep, who you've never had the pleasure of inhaling his unique scent, who you've never kissed or had the pleasure of even hugging but, if it doesn't work out you will still be suffering some very real break up emotions after having never experienced any of the good one's first. You will be giving up your emotional well being as you psychologically and emotionally bond with him through words without any of the benefits that functional adults get to experience when in love and that is a huge sacrifice ~ that is what you will be giving up. You fool only yourself with your bravado about being able to just be able to walk away from someone who you have been bonding with through fantasy and words without action to back them as being true."
That was so ****ed up to read when I first read it.. But i dont think shes wrong. People have suggested I use this and or that tactic, mostly to stop talking to you and tell you to call me when you want to meet. That's really not my style and anyway I don't think you would respond to that sort of power play. I'd get over you and everything but That's not a good ending at all. I'm hoping to appeal to the part of you that really wants 'whatever 'this is to work, to see that it isn't this way. That we are both sacrificing those things and its damaging to any potential future something else. This is it. This is the infatuation stage and we haven't even kissed. You're ****ing this all up.

End result after a conversation - We're meeting for drinks.

I was legitimately, fully prepared to walk away from this. What Wakeup said was poignant, and it hit home for me, really hard. I guess him too.

[Maple1714]

Hmmm...interesting update! Good for you for telling him how you felt...Let us know how meet up goes!

[Wakeup]

I hope your real life meet pans out to what you've both built up in words. Good luck, Kitten.