Any thoughts please...

[selina1]

Hello im not sure if this is an appropriate place to post this but i would really appreciate some peoples thoughts on the following situation. Apologies if this is not really relevant to this site.

I am in a stable, long term relationship with my partner who I love dearly. We are not married however have been living together for the past year and have both expressed wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. I know that I do not want to be with anybody else and have in my mind made a life long comitment to him and our relationship. Unfortunately my partner was made redundant from his job of 15 years last christmas and for a time after was feeling very low and unsure of which direction to take with regards to his career. We sat down and together decided that what he would most like is his own business, away from his current career role. He already has a business through which he does bits of consultancy work however wanted a completely fresh start in a new job role.
I have some savings and had recently come into some inheritance. We decided that we would finance the business from my savings.

We have since developed a couple of business concepts and in the past few months have settled on one. We have found a great premises and are in the process of finalising a lease for the same.

However to cut to the issue, unfortunately we experienced a few problems with transferring funds into our business account- due to errors of the bank. Which caused a little stress as my partner is not too good at dealing with things that go wrong and likes everything to go smoothly and as planned. I appreciate we all would prefer things to go as we wish all the time however recognise that in life this is not a realistic expectation. I was blamed repeatedly for the errors and subsequently began to feel as though the financial/ business side of our relationship was putting a huge strain on us in other ways. My partner behaved in ways which were innappropriate and became very angry when i tried to discuss this with him and say that i felt it best if we stepped back from the monetary side of things for a while until we knew that the lease was ready and the finance actually needed to be in the business account. Eventually following many tense evenings and arguments we agreed that this was best. At this time I also exressed that I did not want the business and how differently we deal with stressors to impact negatively on our personl relationship. He agreed and stated that he did not want this either and everything would be fine. I do not have any doubts of how he feels about me or the strength of our relationship.


It might be helpful to say here that there is long standing history of his ex girfriend having lots of money and 'throwing this at him' in many ways. He has always had what he wants financially in this respect. I have done my best to ensure that this is not a pattern repeated in our relationship and want things to be financially equal. However with his redundancy this has not been possible as I have taken on responsibility for financing the household bills (mortgage, utiities, shopping expenses, holidays etc.) I may add that technically it is his house as i moved in with him from my own rented house not visa versa. I am doing this because i want to support him in what has happened. I appreciate some people may view this as wrong.


I now find myself in a position where despite wanting us to be together forever and being very much in love ith him and wanting him to be happy I dont think I feel comfortable investing money in the business and would much prefer him to find a full time job, even if this is just to save up for an eventual business. I hate that i have come to feel this way and wish he wasnt depending on me financially to start the business as if this was the case I wouldnt have a problem with putting in a lot of effort to the business in other ways.

I am scared that if I go ahead and finance the business I will become resentful of having done so and if I do not my partner will be very hurt and end our relationship due to me 'pulling out'.


I know the above is a very rambled account but please could you take time to read through and share your views. Thank you

[Cerby]

Hi Selina, I thought about this for a bit before replying. You're in a no-win situation, if you give him the money and he fails, you lose. If you pull back the money, it will result in a massive conflict on an already strained relationship.

my partner is not too good at dealing with things that go wrong and likes everything to go smoothly and as planned.

This concerns me a great deal, a small business owner must be ready to fight battles and take on challenges. There is no "smooth" in running your own business, the first year is complete shit and every day is a stressful battle. If you survive, things do get better, but it takes time. And the fact he gets upset of simple issues before this have even started means that he is on a road to failure, if not in the business, in your relationship.

I think you should ask him to book time as a couple with a small business advisor, and lean towards not doing it at all. Let the advisor know you're not comfortable putting in only your money as the primary investor, and that for the safety of being a couple, you'd like him to put in 50% initial investment. The advisor should get what you're hinting at and advise that you not yet start a business. If this doesn't work, then hammer out a return to investment with the advisor, ask for something slightly unreasonable like 70% of the business net profit is returned to your initial investment, and once the investment is fulfilled, then it goes to 50%. Make sure you're a 50% shareholder in the company AS AN INDIVIDIAL and that way if the relationship ends, you still have a stake in his business. If he cuts you out or goes bankrupt, you will have legal options even if you break up.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

DO NOT give him your inheritance money. That is a ludicrous idea. I don't know how you should break it to him, other than just be direct. Just say you're not comfortable just giving away that much money. Why not at least make him leverage a small amount of what your original plan was, in order to get a small business loan. He has to be accountable in some way, and if you invest all your money and he loses it, which lets face it is probably what is going to happen, he gets off scott free and you are left with nothing. You would be a complete ****ing fool to go through with this. Tell him to get a job.

What is this business he wants to start? Have you seen a thorough, WRITTEN business plan? How much was your inheritance? How much does he want for this "loan"?

You sound very foolish, and like you sorely lack the business saavy to make a smart decision about this.

[smackie9]

Do not finance this business. He has no experience or business training, and he can't cope with solving a simple problem....this fails fails fails. Like any investment, you need to assign a lawyer and have a contract made up with a list of expectations, limitations, and what is entitled to both parties. And like Cerby mentioned, what have you arranged in the event of bankruptcy or the end of this relationship?

Back out now, it's your money and you are not obligated by contract to give it to him. If this ends your relationship so be it....love shouldn't be used as a tool to blackmale you into giving him the money. At least you will still have your savings when you leave him.


The moral of the story is, even if you love them so much, you still have to look out for #1.