The Girlfriend wants space

[wintersend]

Here is the story:

I have been with my girlfriend now for nearly 3 years , the past 2 years have been great , we both got on and there was hardly no arguments. But recently there has been lots of arguments.

Tonight after i finished work i went over to see her we had a little chat and she said " i think we are seeing each other too much" and that she needs her space , she has had a few family issues that i cant really get into and i know they have really stressed her out.

She also said that i have become to clingy and needy, and that i wasnt the guy she fell in love with , i agree with her i have become to clingy and needy, she said to me that she needs her space , time to herself so she can just chill , and do girly things.

Things have been really rocky and i think space would do us good , i know she is not cheating on me because i know from her past relationships she has been cheated on and that has totally crushed her. I am lost on what to do i do really love her , and i want more than anything in the world for us too work.

So basically i need some advice on how to control my mind , i always think negatively , i am too clingy/needy. If we do give each other space and i back off a bit does anyone reckon it will work? every article i read on the interent it always comes down to "shes cheating on you" or "if she needs space she is going to break up with you" however i dont think this is the case.

Any feedback appreciated however i would like to hear it from a womans point of view , for the reason they will probably have a better idea of whats going on

Thanks for your time on reading this

[surfhb]

When a girl says those things it means she doesnt want to date you anymore.

[blitzz09]

Not all girls that want space want to breakup. Like men, woman enjoy a little girl-time. Having a partner that is clingy can be frustrating for a woman, especially if she is having a difficult time or a stressful time. Your relationship with her is a long term one and things change in long term relationships and seeing as how she is having a difficult and stressful time with family issues, she really needs a man that is not needy himself but instead supportative, otherwise, the stress is just going to get worse. My advice, do give her some space and some down time to herself to resolve the issues that are going on with her family-that may be the whole reason why arguments are starting to happen in your relationship. Try not to over think this or make yourself seem desperate to her, instead, give yourself some down time with the guys.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Back off of her really hard. Stop initiating any contact with her, and be short with her when she initiates. Go out and have fun with your friends. Pretend you're single, when you go out. Don't cheat on your girlfriend but flirt with other girls. Make a game of it. See how many girls numbers you can get on a night out. You'll have your female attention, and your g/f will have her space, and everybody's happy. Once she sees that you're fine without her, she'll want more time with you.

Make it seem like the prospect of losing her isn't that bad. You may even want to just break up with her and see how she reacts. If she doesn't care, then you'll know it's not worth the effort anyway.

[IndiReloaded]

This doesn't sound to me like its just about their relationship issues and perhaps a breakup. I would temper what Stung said b/c of her family issues. You didn't explicitly state what the problems are, but serious family problems can be very stressful. If you care about someone, you support them in a time of need. You don't just abandon them. But, you should do this in a way that doesn't add to her burden.

Give her space, but do offer your support in a non-clingy, confident way. Let her know you are there if she needs you. Go have fun and improve yourself as Stung says. I agree with him, btw. Don't be stupid and cheat on her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I don't think he should temper it at all(obviously ). She asked for space and I think he should give her all the space in the world. He should vanish. If she wants comfort, she can come to him, but it's clear she doesn't want that now.

[IndiReloaded]

Well, he asked for a woman's POV. I think some women would view a complete cutting of ties as a kind of abandonment. It isn't consistent with a 3 year relationship w/people who care about each other.

This isn't about 'well, I'm giving you what you asked for!'. That kind of argument won't hold water if they do get back together later. Your response, Stung, is almost too extreme and suggests punishing her. If part of her feelings is b/c of the stress of her family, then some compassion *while still giving her the space she requested* is entirely appropriate.

Saying something like "I'm going to give you the space you need, but do know I am here for you if you need it", is actually very mature and full of confidence.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

She already knows he's there if she needs. He's there whether she needs/wants it or not, and that is the problem. I didn't tell him to completely cut ties, I told him not to initiate any contact. You say my suggestion is extreme, but I think this situation calls for an extreme response. He needs to make a drastic change. When someone says they want space, showing that you're okay without them is the most effective way to get them to spend more time with you.

[IndiReloaded]

Stung, I just don't see your motivation here as considering what is best for the two of them. I might have given you the benefit of doubt despite your hedonist philosophy except for this part of your post:

You may even want to just break up with her and see how she reacts.

This is not a game to test someone to "see how she reacts". Not if you truly love someone who is going through a bad time. They've been together for 3 years. This isn't at all the same as your shorter-term dating experiences (and you've never been in a longterm relationship or marriage if I'm not mistaken?). He needs to act with *both* of their interests in mind if he wants them to make it through this bad patch. Not by escalating an already difficult situation. Again, before he 'disappears' he should let her know explicitly he is there for her but is giving her all the space she needs. Then there is no ambiguity about his motives for what he is doing.

[IndiReloaded]

He needs to make a drastic change. When someone says they want space, showing that you're okay without them is the most effective way to get them to spend more time with you.

I agree with this. But I also think its important to set the stage correctly before making a grand exit.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I've had a 2+ year relationship, and am happily in one of about 7 months(dunno if that counts as longterm to you).

I don't think he should see how she reacts as a test, I think he should see how she reacts to decide whether he wants to continue or not. I think it should be an actual break up conversation, where he is legitimately willing to exit the relationship. Many people say they want space, when they really want to break up. I think he should find out what she wants for real, and go from there. If she doesn't fight the break up then, he's better off than if he were to drag it out. If she does fight the break up, then he's shown that he can get over his clinginess and things should be fine as long he maintains a decent amount of space.

I still think he should back off really far, and let her set the pace.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I agree with this. But I also think its important to set the stage correctly before making a grand exit.

The stage has already been set. She said she doesn't want to see him as much. If that's not set correctly for a grand exit, I don't know what is.

[IndiReloaded]

LOL, Stung. You aren't one for making allowances for complexity in a situation, are you? Some responses to situations are more one-way than others.

It may be that your suggestion is the next step in what he should do. But for all we know, she may already be regretting her stress-induced words. Or not. But if he does as you suggest now, he takes the risk that she will simply decide he's too much drama for the bother. Really, adding the stress of a breakup on top of her other concerns when all she asked for is space could be viewed as over-reacting. Why should he do that as opposed to what I suggest? There is no significant %age to your breakup strategy at this time, not that I can see.

But I think we should let others comment on this thread.

[searock]

I agree with Indi.

[AdminOnline]

When a girl says those things it means she doesnt want to date you anymore.

the hard truth..

gonna hurt TS alot.