Getting back with ex-gf - regain trust?

[Sam.H]

How should I act/not act when trying to win her back? It's becoming a 'game' in that because I dumped her and now regret my decision she has all the control. We have slept together and been telling each other we love each other but she says she needs time to see. We've been speaking for a month and at risk of me pressurising her by telling her how I feel and how much I love her etc. and being too intense I said maybe it's best if we just don't speak and let you think and after about an hour she called telling me she needed me and couldn't do this. Can I assume we are together and going to be ok? I want to be with her but because its not 'official' I feel vulnerable and in limbo as to what's happening. I've put my life on hold for her now just so I can rectify all my mistakes and love her like I should have all along. She means the world to me and I would do anything to prove and make it up to her. I want to win her back, she's still attracted to me etc. But she's scared. How do I know that fear down and get back her trust and prove to her it will be ok? I won't let it be any other way.

In depth story:

Basically been on and off with my gf for about 3 years. About 16 when we got together, both 20 now. The last year or so we were together for a month or so but I suffered extreme depression and anxiety which has been ongoing for a few years now (I'm taking medication for it…) and so I just dropped her to put it bluntly. I then a few months later arranged to see her again, and then after leading her on I slept with another girl.

It's been 3 months or so since that happened and I've lately for the last month i've been trying to get her back.
At first she did not want to speak as obviously she was afraid. I am fully aware, especially since writing this how disgusting my actions have been, to ttreat the girl you love that way is beyond awful. I wish with all my heart that I could make it up to her as she is the only one I see myself with and I FEEL that my depression + anxiety has led me to MANY regrets because it's made me think so irrationally. I have pushed away the people closest to me that I love from this illness and I want to rectify the situation.

As I say me and my ex have been speaking for about a months time, we have been telling each other how we feel quite often I have been quite intense in telling her how much I love her and she has reciprocated too. This time round however, and rightly so, she has become much more confident and self-dependent socially etc. I feel ashamed that a reclusive depressed idiot like me treated her the way I did and I now feel inferior.

Although we have been speaking for a month, her main concern was that I would drop her again but I think she NOW knows how seriously I have considered my actions, my future and feelings towards her and we slept together the other night. I have only seen her 2-3 times the month we have been speaking I am not sure what to make of this?

Is she now stringing me along? She has said she wants to 'take things slow' and see what happens but this makes me feel in limbo and that I could perhaps be strung along. I want to be with her so much and just put an end to all insecurities on both sides.

God bless to you all, and remember jeopardise what you truly love.

[Damien]

I am in some what of a similar situation. Me and my gf never really broke up but she wants to try again. start from friendship. take it slow as you say. Personally I think, if you really want to be with her, then keep going slow till she finally trusts you. I may have just missed this but What do you mean by putting your life on hold?

[Sam.H]

EDIT: Just to summarise, even though we have seen each other etc. how can I just make it go back to normal? Despite talking to her each day etc. it doesn't feel like the old her, doesn't feel like she's really there despite her even telling me she loves me. Am I being over-paranoid because I'm the underdog now doing the chasing? Or should I be appreciative that I have this 'advantage' and take control of it this time?!

Basically, I love her and I didn't treat her with love whatsoever. She was infatuated with me and I took this to advantage - maybe when you know you can have something it becomes less appealing and so I kept dropping her for other girls. We haven't been in a relationship for over a year as I mentioned above but the last time I started seeing her for a month or so as it was unofficial I just went and slept with another girl and she found out.

I have now come crawling back.

After a months sincere progress she has agreed to see me, we speak every day and we have slept with each other. I have seen her 3 times out of the month we have been speaking as she refused to at the beginning.

HOWEVER, during our time apart she has learnt a lot and I feel I am the underdog now. I feel as she is more social etc. than me I no longer have the advantage of her infatuation with me due to my betrayal of her trust and abandoning her. This time I am serious. I may have messed it up however I want nothing more in this world that to do right and to finally treat the one I love with respect. Being with other girls made me realise how what I had with her was special and I had to experience other girls to realise that.

At the moment as I say we have seen each other etc. but I just want it back how it was before, where she texts me 10 times a day etc. At the moment I'm doing the chasing and it's being reciprocated but I want it to be on an equal level. How do I restore the balance?
Shall I a) ask her, 'look do you want to be with me or not because I can't be in limbo anymore' (she wants to 'take it slow and see what happens' - i feel this has given me a chance of rejection where she could say look….this isn't right)
b) Just keep going and see what happens as she says?

Confused…but nonetheless is love.

[Damien]

I know how you feel. When I started out with my girlfriend, she would call 24/7, beg to see me, plant kisses every second we're together, but like you said, when I had her, she wasn't as appealing anymore. I felt like, yeah I have her now, there's no need to keep trying. Slowly and steadily I was losing her, and me being in my selfish little world didnt realize till last month, which was after 4 years of relationship. Last month, I started the chase, kissing her constantly, calling her every second I get, and she barely reciprocates. She sees that I get sad and she says sorry but I dont feel for you the way I felt four years ago. I have made so many mistakes that she doesnt think I can ever make up for it. Yesterday she told me that she hates being confused about me and wants break it off but somehow I convinced her to give me a shot as a friend and I will try to ask her out again and if she's sees me worthy as a boyfriend now, maybe continue our relationship. Start over from the beginning if you will. And that means taking it slow. and I think I will do whatever it is that I think she wants! slow, fast anything. IT is likely that this could end without us getting together but I'm not going to stop trying anyway. I think you should keep going with it and see. I'm sorry of my advice isn't of much use. I feel like I'm soon entering the situation in which you are in now. Good luck Sam.H!

[Sam.H]

All the best bro.

[Maple1714]

If I were her, I would never speak to you again...how many chances should you get? I am sure you feel bad for dropping her for other girls etc...and realize what you lost...but you screwed it up with her royally. You probably really don't love her anyway, you just want what you can't have. It's an old chase. If you want to be in a committed relationship you should find someone new and start fresh and don't take for granted the love of a woman. A woman's heart can be fickle and we can be infatuated with you at first and then totally over you very quickly...so when you find a good woman who cares for you don't let her slip away. Learn from this experience and do some growing up.

[Blondi3]

Only thing that's going to do anything here is time. You said it yourself - things were good, then you dropped her. And the reason doesn't seem to be anything to do with her, it was just what you were going through at the time. So there is nothing she can do to stop that happening again. She may KNOW that you won't do that again, but knowing it and feeling it are two very different things. For example, I know that spiders are harmless small insects that can do me no harm - but I still get my housemate to clear them out of the bath tub. Like it or not, what has happened has changed the dynamic of your relationship. It may never go back to 'normal' - you just have to make the most of what it is now and decide if its worth the effort. Over time she'll start to get more comfortable.

[Wakeup]

I see Karma headed your way, OP. She is going to break your heart just like you broke hers. You'd do well to back off a bit and let her be to figure this out. I'm thinking as long as the two of you are still having sex, neither of you will really figure out what you actually want and if what you want is with one another.

There's a reason you didn't value that bird in your hand, and thought the two in the bush were more important to you, Sam. You best make sure you're ready to be monogamous with one girl because if you rip her heart apart again once you've gotten her idolization of you back, I'll come there myself and kick your ass.