I am a virgin with mental disorders considering sexual activity. Advice?

[Seras]

I hope you weren't expecting a post from some poor autistic kid or someone with a crippling lack of social confidence. This will probably harder to relate to (sorry), but the title is actually a pretty accurate summary of this post.

I'm a 24 year old male virgin. Here's the thing: I do not form relationships. I do not create emotional connections with people, at all. I have never experienced emotions relating to other people, including family. Even when they die. I suspect my wiring is probably a bit different than the general population, and its likely if not certain that I will never fall in love or have feelings of empathy for another person.

I have a few reasons for being chaste. I dislike drama, or dealing with people and their emotions in general. I've seen enough of relationships and people to see that most sexual relations involve some degree of drama. I also don't like the idea of spending much effort or money on attaining sex. Any kind of dating strikes me as an involved process. I tend to avoid large social situations like bars (not liking to deal with people). It's not that I can't navigate social situations- I'm often told I'm very charming. I think I'm a pretty good actor. I tend to know what other people want to hear about themselves, how to make them feel like I'm interested in what they're saying. Usually, I'm not. My interests are things like the so called hard sciences, art, and a wide range of things that tend to be non-people based. I find people are generally more interested in those things only in so far as they relate to people, so our interests rarely overlap well. My conversations are basically nothing but me auto-piloting standard responses. I'd rather be reading interesting patents.

More crippling is my lack of appreciation for pleasure. I don't seek it. I've never tried alcohol, tobacco, etc simply because I don't have an interest in it. So when it comes to sex, I would say I view it as something that would generally involve hours of time for a relatively short period of a pleasure (orgasm is literally seconds... at least for me) I'm not even really looking for. I suspect for a lot of people sexual pleasure might be largely an emotional satisfaction combined with the physical sensations and chemical release, but I'm skeptical that I'd feel any kind of emotional connection, even though I would probably fake one.

I probably have a fairly healthy sex drive. My body really wants to get laid. I notice women and feel lust constantly. On some level, I resent it. My body has its own set of desires- eating, sleeping, ****ing, etc. Mine do not match up. I go along with the ones necessary for maintaining health, but avoid everything that I don't need. When I go along with it I feel like a robot, merely acting out my genetic programming, basically lacking free will. Ooo look, the human completed a behavior that triggers a dopamine response, making it desire the trigger activity more in the future. I like to feel like I can at least pretend I think and act for myself.

Don't get me wrong- I'm not trying to say I'm the one with the right idea, that I don't respect people who enjoy seeking pleasure and happiness in life. Our bodies are forged by nature to seek pleasure. I just happen to be wired a bit differently. I realize these viewpoints could sound antagonistic, and I'm not trying to piss people off or make them attack me for my views. I'm just explaining how I see and feel about things.



Despite all these reasons that I've remained a virgin for so long, I am curious. I like to understand things, and while I'm not hopeful about really gaining much understanding, I'd to at least gain a sliver of insight into what is arguably the fundamental root of all human behavior- everything we are programmed to do in life is merely a means to the end of ****ing and making more of us. I feel like I'm missing out on some universally shared experience that keeps me from understanding people. There have been several times when I think I would have enjoyed discussing my views on sexuality with people, but until I actually experience things myself I feel that I'm not qualified to say much.

On a personal level I'm don't think I'm ashamed of being a virgin, but I feel like society in general perceives it as a non-masculine trait, perhaps even a sign of personal weakness. This might actually be one of my primary motivations for considering sexual activity. Personal weaknesses bother me, and it somehow makes me feel less of a man- even when I actively recognize its a stupid feeling it still bugs me. Stupid cultural brainwashing.



I'm interested in opinions on whether sexual experience would be valuable for me, and if so, how I should go about seeking it. I'm in good shape, working out on a regular basis. I don't have any deformities or anything, and I've been told I look handsome, though I'm not model good looks or anything. Based on being approached in the past, I don't think I would have a lot of trouble finding a sexual partner, although I might be underestimating the difficulty.

What type of personality traits might I look for in a partner in this rather unusual circumstance? I'm leaning towards traits like somewhat older and open minded. Ideally someone interested in hearing my viewpoint and motivations. How would you recommend finding and approaching such a person? How would you recommend broaching the topic with them and introducing my circumstances? To be clear, I'm not looking for general advice on how to go get laid. That kind of advice is pretty universally available, and I'd probably learn those behaviors just as easily through observation and trial and error.



Thanks in advance for your thoughts and feedback.

[asdfg789]

didn't read all the stuff you wrote. but how about becoming a monk ?

[Seras]

didn't read all the stuff you wrote.

I tried to at least include paragraph breaks so it didn't have too much WALL OF TEXT syndrome, but I figure not many people will care enough to finish anyways.

but how about becoming a monk ?

I think a lot of the mental exercises some monks perform are very interesting, but I have even more difficulty relating to spirituality than people. In my mind, everything in the universe is nothing more than a collection of subatomic particles in varying configurations and electromagnetic states, following the laws of physics in a possibly deterministic manner. In such a view, there is no free will- no concept of good, evil, right, wrong or just about any spiritual construct. Without a concept of free will really just about everything goes out the window

[dem862]

Well you could pay a prostitute for sex. It is easy and simple. It will probably disappoint you, but it will satisfy your curiosity. Then you could go back to porn for the rest of your life. Real free sex is not that easy to get. There are all kinds of games that must be played and fears that must be faced. Fast, free sex is mostly available in clubs and bars, but these women are well-versed in the games and usually will not even consider training someone. Other normal women expect some modicum of emotional involvement, and it will usually take several dates if not months to get sex, if you survive the screening process. For me, the real enjoyment of having sex is the intimacy between two people. Orgasms are cheaply and easily obtained by masturbation, no need to involve another person in the process. If you aren't interested in intimacy, I don't see the point in participating with someone else.

[vashti]

You might want to look into some sort of support group for people with autism. You might meet a woman who is like you, and won't expect the same sort of emotional involvement the unaffected might.

Good luck.

[cheekxs]

i cant read this one for some reasn................zzzz

[searock]

In my mind, everything in the universe is nothing more than a collection of subatomic particles in varying configurations and electromagnetic states, following the laws of physics in a possibly deterministic manner. In such a view, there is no free will- no concept of good, evil, right, wrong or just about any spiritual construct. Without a concept of free will really just about everything goes out the window

One could argue that the laws of physics are an expression of God's work on the universe. Also, the absence of free will does not preclude spirituality.

If you want to try out sex without having any emotional attachment with the person you are having sex with, you can find a girl who likewise doesn't want an attachment. One sure way to do that is to hire a prostitute, as dem862 said. Or you could try dating sites, where you can explain your outlook (it would be more difficult to do so in real life) and try to find a partner with a compatible personality.

[andypeeque]

Seras,

You seem like an intelligent guy. I have been in a similar position to you in the past. I was a virgin until my early twenties and I'm sure we shared some similarities in our outlook.

To answer your question of whether a sexual experience would be valuable to you, I would say it will absolutely be valuable to you, depending of course on the type of experience you go looking for.
In all likelihood it will completely change your life, for the better. Sex is incredible, it is unlike (and better) than anything you have experienced before. Masturbation is an extremely poor substitute for the real thing.
Even better still is the emotional connection that you can develop with another person that is only really possible in a sexual relationship. Sex is as close as two people can come.

My advice is this - you need to get out of your own head. Stop over analyzing things and try and connect with people. Not because that will make you a man or correct your personal weaknesses but because your life will
become infinitely better. Please take it from someone who's been where you are.

Good luck.

[smackie9]

Just go on a dating site or look in the personals under "casual encounters". There you will find others that don't want an emotional connection either. These things usually start out with a few coffee dates to check each other out and get to one another a little bit before sex is decided.

[sickofdrama]

Why dont you just say your schizoid instead of all that explanantion?

Anyways, you've probably already read this en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Schizoid_personality_disorder#Schizoid_sexuality

[Wakeup]

Please tell me you don't watch Dexter, Op. We wouldn't want you getting any funny ideas from it. Anyway, as others have said, why not just hire a prostitute? Keep yourself to yourself without dragging in women that say they only want casual, but attach drama usually after more than one encounter takes place and they erroneously think they are in love!

A prostitue will just take your money and deliver the goods then leave. No drama. Try an escort service, they're regularily checked out for STD's and WILL NOT do you unprotected so you're sexual health will be better off in the long run than just doing randoms here and there.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Take some LSD. I was very much like you described with a rigidly scientific view of the world, though I do get along really well with people and am genuinely interested in them. People and their dynamics are just as interesting as art and science to me. I am a computer programmer by the way, writing predictive/statistical analytics algorithms. Anyway, LSD really opened up my eyes to the spiritual world, which I previously denounced. It gave me new insight into how everything works. One of the best things about it, is the range and depth of emotions you go through during it. I believe it impossible to go through and LSD trip and come out without love for something. Once is enough.

[Love'sReject]

One could argue that the laws of physics are an expression of God's work on the universe.

How convenient. *GROAN*

[searock]

What do you mean, Love's Reject? It's not impossible.

[Love'sReject]

What do you mean, Love's Reject? It's not impossible.

I guess what I said may come across as condescending, but what I had intended to convey was my thought about how presumptuous and imperative your statement was; rather than suggest the possibility, you seem to authoritatively declare that God exists and that it is some sort of fact that all empirical evidence and thought is simply the expression of a God you again declared to absolutely exist.

Now, as a believer in God, I am not some atheist who finds offense with every mention of God and I accept the possibility of your statement. However, the fact is, your statement left no room for the possibility of the exact opposite.