Break-Up Imminent, Don't Know What To Feel

[sinisterseven13]

Okay, so I've been with my girl for nearly 5 years (will be 5 years in December). I feel like my heart's not really been in it for the last 8-9 months, and it's been a long time since I was properly sexually attracted to her (probably a few years). In the last 3-4 months I've started to notice other girls and develop crushes on others (not friends though). I'm going through a lot of conflicting feelings and the upshot is that I think that it's probably best we break up, but it feels like there's so many complications.

I've never broken up with anyone myself (though was broken up with by another 5-year GF) and so it feels like such a big deal. I still love her but not in love with her, so obviously don't want to hurt her (but obviously I will). I feel selfish that I want to meet other girls and find The One that makes me feel amazing.

I'm not sure I really love her that much any more (I don't pine for her when she's not with me, I'd kind of rather spend time on my own), and I certainly don't 'fancy' her any more or yearn for physical/sexual contact. I know it's not 'me' because I still feel that for other girls, so I'm know I'm not romantically dead inside.

We live together though, and she's got nowhere to go (and neither have I) should we split up and need time apart. I don't know how to break up with her, how to go about it without coming across as someone with teenage dreams that there's this 'perfect' girl out there for me (I'm 27 so I feel 'old') and with all of my friends disowning me.

Help?

[pisces25]

Your happiness is paramount. It's completely natural for relationships to run their course. However, relationships do go through their ups and downs and I don't feel its realistic that we will be always be able to maintain that first high. Especially living together. If it has already been a few years that you have felt physically attracted to her though then that is probably an indication the relationship is over. Best to just get it over and done with so you can both move on. As for your friends, if they are going to disown you over this are they really friends anyway?

[BackUpOrGetStng]

I doubt your friends will disown you. Start looking for a place to move and once that is all set, tell her it isn't working for you and you want to be single. Your friends won't disown you unless they were all her friends from the start.

[sinisterseven13]

If it has already been a few years that you have felt physically attracted to her though then that is probably an indication the relationship is over.

The 'nice guy' in me feels like I should look past this and focus instead on the companionship which she can offer and being able to potentially spend the rest of my life in the company of a good friend. However, if I'm not physically attracted, then she could easily just be one of my other friends, whom I don't cuddle, caress or sleep with.

The 'selfish' part of me figures that I deserve a partner whom I not only love as a friend, but also love as a lover. Our sex life has kind of dissipated into nothing, as I've lost the motivation to do so and for various reasons, she's never inclined to instigate anything. I'm not going to go cheating or looking for it elsewhere, but it does mean I end up with massive frustration and feelings of inadequacy, and I desperately want to be affectionate - only not with her.

[searock]

Sex is a very important part of a good relationship, and if you aren't even attracted to her anymore, the answer is simple: break up with her. Don't you think she deserves a guy who is in love with her as much as she is with him? Stop wasting your and her time.

[sinisterseven13]

Maybe it's because I'm not so experienced with break-ups (I've never done it before), but it feels like a huge deal. The logic part of my brain tells me that it isn't - that people break up all the time - but it's just never been my fault before. I feel like the world is going to come crashing down on one of my closest friends, and not only am I not going to do anything to stop it, but it's me that's causing it. I guess it's inexperience on my part, and my eternal desire to be the nice guy that everyone likes that never does anything bad.

She deserves someone who loves her. I wish I could love her that much, and I wish I could devote my life to her, but I can't. I feel like I'm the first person to have ever felt like this, but of course I'm not.

[pisces25]

It is daunting but what's the alternative? Stay in the relationship, be miserable and watch your life go by?

[searock]

It is daunting but what's the alternative? Stay in the relationship, be miserable and watch your life go by?

...and deny her the joy of being with someone who is truly in love with her, too?

[sinisterseven13]

These are all massively valid points, thanks guys.

I don't think she's right for me right now, so by extension I figure I'm not right for her. She deserves someone to adore her and reciprocate the love. I want to find love again, so I'm sure she'll want to as well, once the inevitable pain has subsided.

I guess I want her pain to be kept to a minimum, but have to accept that she'll feel pain. I think that, initially, it'll be a big surprise to her (she's so wrapped up in me that she probably hasn't noticed my body language that I've been unhappy for a while), but that eventually she'll realise that it's been on the cards for a while.

Despite the 5-year period, I guess at least we aren't married or have kids so even though the living-together thing isn't as big a problem as it could be. I'm 50% terrified by the thought of going through with the break-up and 50% excited about what could happen in the future when I meet new people!