Need Major Advice

[anonymous546]

Okay. I'll try to keep this as short as possible, so I can hopefully get honest and accurate responses.

I met my gf over a year and a half ago on a dating site. We met up had a wonderful beginning, fell for each other and everything has worked great. We've even had a child, got our own place, we make decent money, and can take care of ourselves. But, from time to time, and since my gf's mother came down the last time, I feel like her feelings for me have changed. This is so hard to explain...I'll begin by keeping everthing in chronological order, so that it all makes more sense, hopefully.

We moved in together the first of the year. Since then, I have caught my gf texting some older guy (was about six months ago) something from her phone (yes, I check her phone). The only message I seen was that this guy was practically begging her to send him more pictures. He was a married man looking for pictures and my gf apparently had a history with him by sharing these pictures of her for money. I asked her about it and she blew up, started crying and said I would think she was a horrible person. She also said that she wasn't sending him anything and that she used to before her and I got together, and she was only trying to get money back and he owed her from a previous exchange. I overlooked this and she deleted him from her facebook.

Later on, her mother came down, when she had the baby, and seemed very nice. Her and I seemed to like each other and respected one another. However, her mother came down again and this time, it wasn't the same. She was a a lot more quiet, and would not really talk to me. So, out of curiosity, on the day my gf was supposed to take her mom back to the airport, I left a voice recorder in the car to see if anything was being said, since I had a hinch something was. Sure enough, when my gf got back, I got the recorder and heard the entire conversation. My gf was basically agreeing with her mother that I was a douchebag. However, she was also saying things herself like, "he's such an asshole", and towards the end her mother was like, "well, just be a bigger bitch", and my gf was like, "well, if I have to I'll just do it on my own"...

I heard all of this, and although I tried keeping it to myself, I just couldn't. That night, her and I got into an argument and she blamed me for invading her privacy, while I demanded answers as to why she would say certain things like that about me when all she has to do in the first place is leave me if she's not happy. I've practically begged her to leave me if she wasn't happy, but she still insist she loves me, so I continue to believe her.

She also has a thing with her phone where she takes it everywhere in the house with her. One time, after the above happened, she left her phone in the bathroom by mistake, and I was getting in the shower. I sat on the toilet, with clothes on, of course, and looked through her phone to see if I could find anything suspicious. I didn't, and only saw a few from her mom and her talking, but nothing really about me. But, in this time, she was banging on the door in urgency saying she needed to get something from the bathroom, and all I did was yell "I'm in the shower, I'll be out in a minute". She kept on and on for a minute, and then finally quit.

And, then, my gf suffers from fibromyalgia (may be mispelled). So, I understand she goes through pain and can get irritable at times. But, she really gets irritable at my daughter, from a previous marriage. One time, recently, my daughter went and picked up my gf's poop from the living room, and when she came in to throw it away, my gf yelled at her and said, "why do you have to come in here to throw that away in here, Zoe?!" I said, "Wait, a minute...She's doing you a favor by throwing your dog's poop away. Why are you getting mad at her?" My gf replied, "I'm not yelling (she was), I'm just saying she doesn't need to throw that away in here, there's a trash bag in the kitchen". Even though there was, she was throwing it away in the toilet, and wasn't loud or disruptive about it.

Other times, I just get worried she either just doesn't really want to be with me, or maybe I'm being too selfish and not understanding more that her pain makes her this way. I'm so lost. She says she loves me, is with me all the time, and not other friends, but she has ways about her that would probably make anyone think red flags. Anytime I ever try and talk to her about the way I feel she gets really mad, or really emotional and starts saying things like, "you just don't ****ing trust me", and then starts crying, making me feel like I did something wrong. All I say is, "You know that if you're ever unhappy with me, I'd rather you leave me then stay out of guilt or anything else". I have also stated things like, "I love you, and I want to be with you, but I can't understand why you keep your phone with you even in the bathroom. You take it everywhere, I've found you deleting history from the computer, too. I just don't get it."

My gf thinks I'm severely insecure, and told her mother that in the recording, saying, "He's so ****ing insecure". Her mother, in reply, was like, "It's one thing to be a little jelous, cause that shows care, but if you don't trust me around other men or when I'm by myself around others, you don't need to be with me". To an extent, I agree. But, I really love this woman, and I think a part of her loves me, whether that be a big part or a small part. I just don't understand whether it's her fibromyalgia causing her to do things, or if she's really being dishonest with me about her feelings. I need help, ASAP. Thanks.

[Bella82]

If you feel the need to record her conversations, read through her text messages etc, then you clearly don't trust her. I also don't believe her actions have anything at all to do with this condition she has - that might be justified for situations like being irritable for no reason when you're in pain, but why would it justify sending photos to a random guy she used to know or complaining to her mother about you? Telling your family/friends negative things about your partner never ends well, as this will progressively skew their view on them.

You keep telling her to leave you if she's not happy, but we all know that it's easier said than done. Putting it on her to make the decision is also not very fair, and its a bit manipulative too, as you seem to be unhappy as well. If you don't feel it's working, be honest and tell her. Doesn't seem like you've had that discussion yet? At this point, you've nothing to loose.

[searock]

Putting a recorder in her car is messed up, and (I hope) illegal. Also checking through her phone all the time, no wonder she feels like you don't trust her: it's the simple truth. What kind of relationship doesn't involve trust? An unhealthy one. You are the one who feels miserable, so stop putting pressure on her and you break up with her.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

Break up with her. Do you really want to spy on her indefinitely?

[Wakeup]

OP: Please get some help for your over-the-top insecurity and need to control. This thread is about you, not your girlfriend because the only thing she's done that crossed a standard relationship boundary is to talk to an ex who she sold photo's of her naked body to, with whom she immediately deleted from her contacts list when you asked her about it. I wonder, if you didn't jump into this relationship/fatherhood so quickly, would you have moved in and had a child with her knowing that she did such a thing? If the answer to that is no, then learn the lesson. If the answer is yes, you still would have, then learn to forgive and forget and quit torturing her and yourself.

You met this girl and were foolish enough to have a baby with her all in the span of a year and a half. You didn't even know each other before you were dragging a child into your dysfunction. You are not good life-time partners for one another due to your insecurity and her codependency. She stays and you stay and neither of you are happy. That's whack.

At the very least, if you're going to sweat this out as a couple in front of your child for the next 20 years then please have the decency to get personal councelling for your paranoia and couples councelling so that your kid doesn't end up thinking that this dysfunction you call a relationship is normal. Believe me, it's not.

Take a look in the mirror.. your solutions lies there.

I'll add that there isn't a person on this earth that hasn't vented to their mother about their partner at one time or another. If you can't talk to your mother then who the hell can you talk to? A mother's job is to be there with advice when their child is confused and/or hurting. Tell us, OP. Who have you vented to besides a forum board full of strangers? If your answer is no one, then please get yourself to a professional who will listen and help you to overcome your paranoia.

[anonymous546]

See, that's the thing. It's not infidelity. She's not cheating on me, she's just not being completely honest with me about everything, or as it would seem.

Like today, I got up and went to the living room to get on the computer and check my messages. I went to history, just out of curiosity, and seen a message she had created on ecards, the ones that have the clever and witty pictures that you can add your own comments to and post to facebook? Well, she made one (though she never posted it) that said something like, "a dog will always understand you, be right there for you, and keep all of your secrets"...I read that and I was like "wtf?"...How am I supposed to understand that?

First of all, let me just say I have been one of the biggest positive influences on her life in a long time. Not only did I help her stop smoking, I helped her get her dad to move down from the north so she could start a better relationship with him. And when she didn't want to tell her family she was pregnant out of fear, I told her to stand up for herself like a woman and tell them. That tunred out well for her too, as her mother came down. If it hadn't been for me, her mother wouldn't have known until the last minute. Furthermore, since the beginning, I have always been right there for her every step of the way. Anytime she needed me to take her to go get her cortizone shots, I've been right there. Anytime she needed pain meds, I gave her my pain meds that I was supposed to use for a dislocated toe!

My point is, there's no reason for her to act this way towards me, but it's like she thinks she has the right to have these secret thought, or have these shadow feelings...it's so frustrating. Because I don't know what the hell I should do. She tells me she loves me, holds my hand, says she'd be prepared to marry me whenever I proposed, and yet she thinks its completely okay to have these feelings, make these cards for her own liberation from what?!

Has anyone else ever gone through this? It's like sometimes I feel like she has one foot in the relationship, and another outside of it. Or, like she has this hand behind her back she doesn't want me to be a part of (her thoughts). Please, anyone that can honestly help me, I would appreciate.

Break up with her. Do you really want to spy on her indefinitely?

[searock]

We have tried to help you. You need to break up with her and stop spying on your girlfriends.

[anonymous546]

Breaking up with her isn't as practical as it sounds. We have a son together. I just want to know if anyone else can interpret this. And theres nothing wrong with spying, so long as you do it to better understand the issu, and if your significant other leaves you no other choice. I deserve to know the truth.

[searock]

Yes, there is something wrong with spying. It is *your* choice to spy on her, she doesn't "make" you do anything.

If you don't trust her, just tell her. Go to couples therapy. If even that doesn't work, then I'm pretty sure your son will be better off with separated parents, rather than in a family so full of mistrust and deceiving.

[Wakeup]

See, that's the thing. It's not infidelity. She's not cheating on me, she's just not being completely honest with me about everything, or as it would seem.

Like today, I got up and went to the living room to get on the computer and check my messages. I went to history, just out of curiosity, and seen a message she had created on ecards, the ones that have the clever and witty pictures that you can add your own comments to and post to facebook? Well, she made one (though she never posted it) that said something like, "a dog will always understand you, be right there for you, and keep all of your secrets"...I read that and I was like "wtf?"...How am I supposed to understand that?

First of all, let me just say I have been one of the biggest positive influences on her life in a long time. Not only did I help her stop smoking, I helped her get her dad to move down from the north so she could start a better relationship with him. And when she didn't want to tell her family she was pregnant out of fear, I told her to stand up for herself like a woman and tell them. That tunred out well for her too, as her mother came down. If it hadn't been for me, her mother wouldn't have known until the last minute. Furthermore, since the beginning, I have always been right there for her every step of the way. Anytime she needed me to take her to go get her cortizone shots, I've been right there. Anytime she needed pain meds, I gave her my pain meds that I was supposed to use for a dislocated toe!

My point is, there's no reason for her to act this way towards me, but it's like she thinks she has the right to have these secret thought, or have these shadow feelings...it's so frustrating. Because I don't know what the hell I should do. She tells me she loves me, holds my hand, says she'd be prepared to marry me whenever I proposed, and yet she thinks its completely okay to have these feelings, make these cards for her own liberation from what?!

Has anyone else ever gone through this? It's like sometimes I feel like she has one foot in the relationship, and another outside of it. Or, like she has this hand behind her back she doesn't want me to be a part of (her thoughts). Please, anyone that can honestly help me, I would appreciate.

You have huge mental issues. Please seek the appropriate professional (psychiatrist/psycholgist?) to overcome your obsessive behaviour. You owe it to your son to be the best husband you can be to his mother and she the best wife to you so that he grows up knowing what a functional and loving relationship actually looks like or he will be doomed to repeat your angst ridden mistakes. As long as you have your psychological issues, you cannot fulfill that mandatory requirement once you become a parent.

YOU are the problem not your wife, or so it seems.

[anonymous546]

I disagree, just because I know the bigger picture and things you are obviously deliberately overlooking, or are just too lazy to read the original post. How am I the one wrong when I've been talked about negatively behind my back by the one that says they love me?..Seriously?..wow. And, no, I have every right as a faithful man to know the truth. I've never had this problem in any other relationship my entire life. I seriously doubt you're right. Thanks anyway.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You are a ****ing moron. I hope this girl rips your heart out and eats it, shits it out, then forces you to eat it.

[sickofdrama]

Seriously, you have some issues. It looks to me she does too, but guess what, to change the world you have to change yourself first. Tell your situation to a therapist, you lose nothing trying (but money, but thats nothing compared to fixing your stuff).

[anonymous546]

I agree I have issues, to the extent that they are outside of me, and out of my control. This site has been helpful to the degree of confirming what I already knew. I need to let the professional be the judge.

[IndiReloaded]

You both have issues. You certainly do seem controlling but you've also chosen a woman many would find difficult to trust. Selling photos for money isn't exactly upright behaviour.

All that stuff you have done for her? You are looking for validation... applause. Did she ask you to help with any of that? I doubt it, at least not to the controlling extent you seem to have done.

Get some counselling. You both need to learn about boundaries. Do it for the sake of your son, if nothing else. Good luck.